PREVIOUS: S & I – Intro, Part 1
SITES: Lack of Object Constancy (causes Narcissism & other Personality Disorders)
• Hole in my heart re. BOOK about how Kathy Brous ” ….. accidentally regressed myself back to infancy and healed it all.” Includes interview with Goldie Hawn & Dr. Dan Siegel, about the brain & Attachment Disorder, from lack of Object Constancy in childhood.
S & I DILEMA – the internal conflict between wanting our needs to be met (by someone else) AND wanting to have personal freedom (autonomy).
If we only think in terms of either being dependent or being independent – we put ourselves in a bind:
• staying emotionally dependent can lead to the fear that if we speak up for ourselves or express our True Self we risk hurting the other person or making them mad – so, losing the connection with them (A.)
• we may believe that being independent means always being serious, being alone, not having fun, taking on responsibilities that we don’t feel ready for, being burdened or trapped …..
✶ However, genuine maturity (inter-dependence) includes a balance of these two needs. How much of each category will vary from person to person, & for each of us – can vary from day-to-day!
🚴🏻♂️ SEPARATION – for ACoAs in the present: It’s about unhooking ourselves from the addictive symbiotic attachment to our dysfunctional family. This separation is not primarily physical, although sometimes that too is necessary, but rather needs to happen inside of us.
👀 INDIVIDUATION – the transition from our family’s ways of viewing the world & defining us as a person, to become fully ourselves – the True Self we were born as, but didn’t originally get to know or not allowed to develop
S & I – Growing up really means shifting away :
–FROM– the FS which is controlled by our parents’ sub-selves (Introject)
–TO– our True Self. This gradually happens as the WIC realizes that our ever-present Healthy Core has truly gained a great deal of knowledge & wisdom over the years.
Our developing ‘UNIT’ (Healthy Adult & Loving Parent) is quite capable of being an effective internal leader & caretaker of the Child in a wide variety of situations, once we access all that accumulated experience.
Keep saying: “I know what I know”! Book-ending helps to make this shift.
DEVELOPMENTAL TASKS Theory (Robert Havighurst)
Development is continuous throughout a person’s entire life, in stages. Moving from one stage to the next comes by successfully solving a problem or accomplishing certain age-related tasks, common to the majority of people in a culture.
Tasks at each stage are influenced by
• biology (physical maturation, genetic makeup)
• psychology (personal values, goals) • sociology (child’s specific culture) CHART
ORIGINS of S & I Theory describes how people develop an identity – pushed by biological urges & pulled by socio-cultural forces.
🚦🚥 Repeated disruptions in this all-important process usually results in great difficulty creating & maintaining a reliable sense of Self in adulthood. ( Margaret Mahler (1897 – 1985)
The S & I CYCLE – phases
Normal Autistic: (first month) Mahler eventually abandoning this phase, based on later infant research, leading her to believe it doesn’t actually exist – but is still included in many books
Normal Symbiotic : (0-5 mths) when the child is fused with the mother, & together they’re separate from the rest of the world. The infant is aware of its mother, but has no sense of individuality, & there is a barrier between the two of them and the rest of the world
S & I (6-24 mths), the infant begins to break out of the ‘autistic shell’ of self-absorption, into the world of human connections
• Separation is the start of breaking the fusion with mother, developing limits, & the infant’s sense that there’s a difference between the mind of the mother & its own
• Individuation is the development of the infant’s ego with a sense of identity and cognitive (thinking) abilities, leading eventually to the formation of it’s own unique character (if allowed!)
NEXT: S & I (#3)