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N. Mind Games #7 (s-w)

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NOTE:
The following 3 posts will be about how ACoAs express our narcissism. In case you object to the idea (many do) or wonder how that can be – here is a list of the parallels between alcoholism & narcissism which we grew up with. 

1) Denial
N : Narcissism (N) is characterized by iron-clad denial. From their point of view, they have no problems & can do no wrong. Bragging & a damn-the-consequences-swagger are essential parts of many N personae

Alcoholic : Denial also keeps addiction in place. Their denial shows up in many ways, like saying they can stop drinking anytime they want, lying about when they drank, or refusing to acknowledge the consequences of their drinking.
That’s why AA members say  “I’m ____ & I’m an alcoholic.” It breaks denial.

2) Lack of introspection
N : NPD narcissists are not interested in self-reflection. Doing so would risk facing their character defects & emptiness

Alcoholic : Addiction can also mask inner conflicts, a low self-image & painful emotions. As long as an addict uses, those problems go unaddressed. They pile up & get harder & harder to face

3) Entitlement
N : Ns are defined by entitlement – feeling superior to almost everyone. Not caring about others (lacking empathy), they give themself full permission to do whatever they want, in spite of social & spiritual rules, or the cost to others.

Alcoholic  : Their sacred entitlement is drinking. Many are willing to lose everyone & everything in their lives before give up alcohol

4) Self-absorption
N  / Alcoholic : With both – it’s “all about ME.” Their needs are primary. While both may seem to function normally in many settings (when not drunk or triggered by loss of Supply), their self-focus always shows up
5) Self-destructiveness
N : Ns are trapped in a non-stop compulsion devoted to preserving their image, & preventing anything that will make them feel small & unimportant

Alcoholic  : Without help, they will sacrifice health, well-being, reputation, relationships & self-esteem

6) Refusal to take responsibility
N : Ns are quick to blame others for “making me act” the way they do. They almost never apologize or promise to change. That would show weakness, which is unbearable to Ns, sullying the image they desperately hang on to

Alcoholic : Active alcoholics are also quick to blame PPT (people, places & things) for their behavior. While some apologize & promise to turn over a new leaf, their continued drinking & abusive ways eventually are seen for what they are – as empty as their bottles

7) Behavior can switch rapidly
N : Ns can go from charming <–to–> threatening in a heartbeat. Feeling slighted or ‘disobeyed’ can send them into full battle mode

Alcoholic : Their mood & actions can swing drastically, especially when under the influence. Alcohol lowers inhibitions, leading to outrageous, dangerous or abusive behavior

8) Superficial relationships
❧ The N’s dysfunction & the alcoholic’s active addiction make it impossible for them to form & nurture deep, meaningful relationships
N : Trying to have a reciprocal, honest conversation with a N is a hit-or-miss proposition, & impossible with NPDs. It’s their way or the highway.

Alcoholic : Trying to make a meaningful connection with someone who’s drunk is a fool’s errand. And they won’t remember it later anyway!

9) Manipulating others
❧ Both will use anybody they can – to get their ‘drug of choice’
N : The N’s fix is attention & self-gratification. They only see others in terms of what they can get from someone

Alcoholic : The alcoholic’s fix is a drink. Others are viewed as either enabling their drinking or as potential threats to their freedom to drink. They need enablers as cover

10) Behavior is at others expense
N  / A : Those close to both experience being used, emotional abandonment, deprivation & rejection, creating feelings of rage & shame. Loved ones of both may withdraw or eventually leave the relationship

11) Shame
N : Avoiding shame drives much of narcissistic behavior. Instead, they cope by dishing shame out to others

Alcoholic : They carry immense shame, but their drinking numbs or masks it.
(This List modified from Dan Neuharth PhD MFT)

💘 Some people are both NPDs & active addicts, which makes them doubly hard to deal with. ACoAs had to cope with both types in childhood, absorbing many of their traits, but using our native personality as filter to ‘reinterpret’ their patterns.

NEXT: ACoAs as Narcissists (#1)