WHAT DO YOU MEAN –
everything’s not about ME?
PREVIOUS: Accessing Es #2
See ACRONYM Page for abbrev.
Fundamentally, most people are being run by a combination of their bad parent & the WIC. This of course applies to all unhealed ACoAs & addicts, whether in Recovery or not, before doing deep FoO work. How these 2 ego states are expressed is determined by our inborn nature combined with the specific environment (family & culture) each of us grew up in.
Much of this blog is about the ways ACoAs express this immaturity.
☁︎ For some, our psychological & emotional under-development is noticeable to observers. Not believing in ourselves, we live in deprivation (work, living space, grooming, education, health…), like 12 yr old orphans on the street!
• But even for those of us who are highly accomplished, without an integrated True Self means being emotionally immature. This truth is hard to acknowledge – after all, who’d want to admit they’re still ‘functioning’ from a childish place?
• Age is not the main basis for maturity. Many people live their whole lives as emotional babies, not always obvious on the surface. Actual children ARE naturally immature.
But when ACoAs were kids, we had to be little grownups so the ‘adults’ wouldn’t have to be loving & responsible parents.
Most of our role models were wounded kids themselves, so we never had a chance to learn genuine maturity from them
SOME immaturity CHARACTERISTICS:
1. STUCK in DAMAGE
• staying loyal to our family by feeding our S-H, obeying Toxic Rules, acting from the Toxic Roles, using people / places / things as addictions
• trapped in our ‘story’ – using unproductive patterns of thinking & acting from childhood (repetition compulsion)
• our sense of identity coming from the False Self
• acting out our anxiety on our family or relationship, creating blame, guilt & physical symptoms (body pain, auto-immune illnesses…)
PS: This does includes the years in Recovery – but as long as we’re progressing, it’s OK no matter how slowly
The most basic trait of an emotional immature person. Never equate arrogance with self-esteem. All expressions of S-H are forms of self-centeredness.
• preoccupied with our own ideas & fears, even when hidden by rescuing, hi-achieving, people-pleasing….. can result in social anxiety, from assuming everyone will judge, criticize & dislike us
• take everything personally, trouble separating issues & situations from our ego or personal reactions to a topic, ‘hear’ discussions about issues through a filter that makes everything about us
• overly sensitive, but mainly for things done to us – real or projected, rather than caring about the effect we have on others because of the things we do (but not as co-dependence)
• actions indicate little regard for the needs & point of view of others (really), but we also have only slight regard for ourselves (hidden S-H)
• talk more than listen, steering all conversations back to us. Don’t take the time to be understanding, compassionate or empathetic —
— alternated with being lost in thought (dissociated) or consumed with our own views, worries, & outcome of our troubles (obsessions)
• act inappropriately whenever we feel out of control
• want the whole world to be safe for ourselves, so try to make everyone & everything conform to their view of what’s right & wrong
• try to force others to be just like ourselves, or our ideal
• can’t stand others having needs & wants different from ours
• obsess about how to get others to think like us, resort to unhealthy behaviors to get our way, often at the cost of a once-loving relationship
4. NOT SELF-AWARE
• access to our own ‘voice’ & True Self
• awareness of how we communicate, that we don’t make genuine connections, or what effect we have on others by what we say
• appropriate sense of boundaries (over or under-functioning)
• ability to question or reflect on the consequences of our actions
• genuine empathy for or perspective about others
• awareness of our emotions or interior life ( cutoff, reactive, stressed, anxious) OR why we think, feel & do what we do
NEXT: Immaturity (Part 2a)