WHAT DO YOU MEAN –
everything’s not about ME?
PREVIOUS: Accessing Es
See ACRONYM Page for abbrev.
Fundamentally, most people are being run by a combination of their bad parent & the WIC. This of course applies to all unhealed ACoAs & addicts, whether in Recovery or not, before doing deep FoO work. How these 2 ego states are expressed is determined by how our inborn nature reacts with the specific environment (family & culture) each of us grew up in.
Much of this blog is about the ways ACoAs express this immaturity.
☁︎ For some, our psychological & emotional under-development is noticeable to observers. Not believing in ourselves, we live in deprivation (work, living space, grooming, education, health…), like 12 yr old orphans on the street!
• But even for those of us who are highly accomplished, without an integrated True Self we’re still emotionally, psychologically & Spiritually immature. This is hard to acknowledge – after all, who’d want to admit they’re still ‘functioning’ from a childish place?
1. ATTENTION SEEKING
• we fish for compliments, & have unreasonable expectations of others
• extremely competitive, a poor loser, perfectionistic & refuse to play or work if we can’t have our own way
• have a great need to get what we want, demanding immediate gratification. Feel we can’t bear to wait, even shout & command to be catered to
• secretly believe we’re somehow special, demand constant attention, sympathy & unearned respect, so can’t have satisfying relationship
• usually fake, inconsiderate, tactless & selfish – the child’s delusion that the world revolves around us, not looking beyond ourself
• act pushy & inappropriately whenever we feel out of control
• can’t stand others having needs & wants different from ours
• try to force others to be just like ourselves, or our ideal
• want the whole world to be safe for ourself, so try to make everyone & everything conform to our view of what’s right & wrong
3. EMOTIONALLY UNEVEN
• can be pleasant as long as things go our way, then suddenly explode with anger over a trivial (but not to us) remark or incident. Others don’t know how to be around us, never knowing how we’ll react
• don’t handle criticism well (over-react), take every slight as a personal attack, take ourself too seriously
• great difficulty forgiving (letting go) of slights & hurts. Either keep throwing it in someone’s face, or withdraw without explanation
• are easily frustrated. If things don’t go our way, demand that others change, or refuse to participate further. Can have temper tantrums, prolonged pouts & rapid mood shifts
• are prone to jealousy & envy – may wish bad things on other who seem / are more fortunate
• regularly feel like we’re going to lose control (& often do) & are afraid of change
• lack ability to be emotionally neutral toward others – are either irrationally negative (antagonistic) or blindly positive (loyal)
• find it hard to successfully manage Es during or after a crisis – either fall apart or become physically or emotionally distant, especially during a confrontation
• project our Shadow side onto others & then judge them harshly
4. NOT DEPENDABLE
• are generally unreliable, often late, not doing what we say they’ll do, letting people down (with lots of ready excuses)
• our life is chaotic & impulsive, making us unpredictable & ‘difficult’
• only focus on our own gain or loss, so have a hard time with integrity
• regularly promise things we can’t or don’t want to do, so constantly disappoint
PS: The toxic roles of Hero, Martyr or Co-dependent may make us seem ‘strong’ & responsible, but compulsive over-doing, placating, & people-pleasing are acted on to the detriment of self-care & the true needs & feelings of others!
5. NOT RESPONSIBLE
• are convinced other people’s actions cause our lack of ability or poor performance
• avoid or deny having financial, work & relationship problems
• can become defensive or antagonistic if others point out any part we played in our troubles
• don’t have a realistic view of ourselves, & can’t take in or use constructive criticism
• don’t own our part in bad situations, re. our problems with others
• make bad choices, or none at all
• rely on others for care and protection, being superficial & thoughtless