PREVIOUS: Not enough Love? #3
REVIEW posts: “Abandonment pain, Now”
• “…..the distressing feeling when one’s social relationships are perceived as being less satisfying than what is desired….” See article above
• “Loneliness, and the feeling of being unwanted, is the most terrible poverty.” Mother Teresa
• “What loneliness is more lonely than distrust?” George Eliot
• “Anger is a manifestation of a deeper issue… and that, for me, is based on insecurity, self-esteem and loneliness.” Naomi Campbell
Def. of LONELINESS (L)
• Sadness resulting from being forsaken or abandoned
• Feeling a strong sense of emptiness, yearning, distress and solitude, from an inadequate quantity or quality of social relationships
• Social pain – a psychological mechanism meant to alert people to being too isolated, which can motivate them to seek social connections
• Dejected or desolate by the awareness of being alone, without companions. Separation between persons or groups
(SITE: ….. 3 Factors of Loneliness)
✶ Loneliness is a universal phenomenon, since humans are social creatures by nature. But too much of it is crippling.
• Most people think that loneliness is ONLY about external scarcity – not having friends or someone special in one’s life. Human beings definitely need others – “No man is an island” – for support, companionship, information, touching, mentoring, sex, love, fun, sharing creativity….
… BUT ACoA loneliness is not mainly about missing a physical presence. We know this is true because healthy people can be alone & not feel lonely. However, ours is primarily an internal lack, from not having been comforted & nurtured as kids, which became a big ‘hole in the soul’, & then is acted out in our life-choices, SUCH AS:
a. With too much unresolved old pain, we’re so uncomfortable being alone with ourselves that we either keep very busy (over-doing, rescuing others….) or find endless distractions (social media, addictions, – to not have to feel / deal with out anxiety & rage
b. This is then reflected in who we pick. Being with the ‘wrong’ person is very lonely indeed – even when it’s someone we love – if they’re always in their own inner world, with little or no room for us.
In that case the loneliness is even greater because there’s the illusion of companionship, but with no real connection
a. Health: While some children naturally need more time by themselves than others (Introverts), all need guidance & companionship – when learning new info, doing chores, trying out new skills, playing, performing… AND most of all – to not be alone with painful emotions!
Trauma is not only caused by distressing events themselves but from having to cope with the resulting fear & pain alone!
In difficult times – whether from a skinned knee, being bullied by peers or the loss of a parent – kids need 4 main things:
📿 physical / medical care, when appropriate
👄 words for what actually happened, & a way to understand it
🤔 validation that the situation was legitimately distressing, without hysterics & over-dramatizing
♥ comfort for any/all emotions the child may be feeling!
✶ When children experience these comforting (E) & informative (T) interactions from loving parents &/or other caretakers, self-comforting skills gradually become internalized, so that as adults they know how to take care of themselves, & self-soothing becomes automatic.
By carrying that ‘togetherness’ internally for the rest of life they’re never truly alone. This minimizes the level of hurt & eliminates panic whenever facing difficulties & losses as adults.
NEXT: Lack of comfort #2