Why RESIST talking to the Inner Child? (Part 5)

talking with PP

PREVIOUS: Why resist? #4

SITE: “Make Your Inner Child Your Partner

 

 

Other RESISTANCE SOURCES (cont)
In this case it’s the WIC not co-operating  re. communicating with the UNIT, no matter how caring.

3. The WIC – at first you may be surprised to realize that the Wounded Child is not so quick to let go of the Bad Voice! You’re just starting to learn how to be a Good Parent / Healthy Adult, expecting to take over the job of Executive ego state from the Inner Child who’s been running the show your whole life.
But as far as the child is concerned, you’ve never been available before, or you sound just like ‘them’…. so why should it trust you now? And why would it want to give up it’s power to an unknown, unproven entity (the ‘new’ you)?

Some reasons the WIC resists :bad authority
• The kid has learned that – in general – NO authority is safe or trustworthy. They never listened or cared about anyone but themselves – & now you’re proposing to be the new adult who knows what’s ‘better’ for it? It sounds like more of the same! Besides, why would you bother with me anyway?

Loyalty to our parents runs very deep, no matter how badly they treated us. The kid needs to be taken care of & it only knows the family it grew up with, & you aren’t on the radar screen – yet

• Our brain grooves are so deeply etched making the connection to the PP primal. The kid is afraid to leave the Introject because it don’t want to be alone, which is all it knows

• The ‘adults’ in our childhood were absent, childish, depressed, crazy, cruel, drunk or just to-o-o busy to be bothered with us – most of them not actually in charge of anything! That left it all up to us, which was terrifying, but it also gave us a sense of power

It was immature, inappropriate & distorted power to be sure, but the only option many of us had. We did what we could to survive & we did. Now the WIC doesn’t want to give up it’s position, convinced it’ll disintegrate or die if it ‘lets go’. So the WIC is in a Double Bind: thinking it’s in control of running our life <—> while it’s actually being run by the bad voice!

Double Binds: We hate many of our parents’ traits & behavior patterns <—> YET slavishly follow the rules & patterns they set out for us, even more terrified of separating from them in person or inside ourselves (to S & I)

Damned if we do, damned if we don’t – & damned if we say anything about it!!
We have many such confusing & conflicting beliefs, all of which are incorrect

• To the kid ‘Growing up’ is not a positive, even though many of us originally had the fantasy that when we were adults we’d  🌁 be OK, have everything we want, not suffer anymore, have our dreams come true….
☔︎ At the same time the WIC secretly believes that ‘growing up’ really means being completely alone or becoming just like them. Either one sucks, so it resists letting the UNIT help us heal our past

• Letting go of the PP means being in charge of our own life, taking risks, being responsible – which the kid can’t, won’t, isn’t allowed to….. It means being our own motivator, the opposite of co-dependence, giving up the fantasy someone will finally come along to rescue us. The WIC will fight these outcomes tooth & nail!

CO-DEPENDENCE & the WIC
The result of the WIC’s resistance is that it prevents us from becoming our own person – the person we were born to be. And without that our only option it to stay co-dependent.

IRONY: 
on the one hand the WIC doesn’t want to give up its false power, while also manipulate others into taking care of it! That way we can continue obeying a major alcoholic/ narcissistic family rule (don’t need anything) while sneakily getting some ‘illegal’ goodies

NEXT:  Why resist? #6

Why RESIST talking to the Inner Child? (Part 3)

missing info 

I HAVE TO WORK THROUGH                 
my resistance to  the IC

PREVIOUS: Talking to the I.C. – #2

SITE: Write Action – Dialoguing with the IC” (1-12)

MORE EXCUSES for not Dialoguing
2
It feels silly, stupid, fake, self-conscious
ANS: It’s going to be awkward at first – like many new things – but that’s resistance, from the WIC &/or the PP. If you keep at it – correctly – it begins to make sense, then becomes more natural & automatic

3. It feels ‘schizophrenic’
ANS: This term is mistakenly used because schizophrenics hear voices & sometimes talk to themselves. Schizophrenia is a devastating mental illness based in defective brain chemistry, with hallucinations & delusions.
It has nothing to do with various Ego States interacting internally, which are normal conscious parts of a whole personality.
NEVER apply it to the process of talking to the Inner Child.whose voice

4. I’m just making it up
ANS: Review Ego States. They’re real. We need to learn about the various components, how they sound, what their point of view & purpose is. With enough info & practice you’ll hear the differences

5. I don’t know who’s talking
ANS: “I” statements are either from the Adult, if it’s a logical thought, or the Inner Child, especially if it’s self-deprecating or self-defeating.
The “You” form is the Parent voice, either mean or kind.
When you have strong emotions it’s definitely the Child.
Some of us hear the WIC very easily, some only our rational voice, some mainly the bad Parent. Writing out dialogues using both hands helps to differentiate them

6. I don’t have time / it’s too much work, takes too longtoo much time
ANS: This is the same as saying you don’t have time to eat – ever. If you don’t nourish your body you get sick & eventually die.
AND if you don’t feed you heart, mind & spirit with attention & love, you starve your essence.

So no matter how outwardly successful you may be, your sad lonely, hurting part keeps gnawing away at your insides. As long as we ignore our wounded part – it runs us! If you want your life to function better, this tool is an absolute must!

✍️ Written dialogues using both hands does take time. If you’re serious about your recovery you’ll find a way – somehow. You know that you make time for the things you really want to do.
🧠 BUT you can also be dialoguing in your head throughout the day – no matter where you are – in the bathroom, on the bus, waiting in line or on the phone, before you go to sleep…. ALSO, sometimes it’s enough to just pat yourself on the chest, letting the kid know you’re thinking of him or her in a caring way.

7. I never get a response
ANS: Our Inner Child (Natural & Adapted) is all our historical ages, from birth on, so when we connect it can be with the pre-verbal child or one of the older ages. Once you connect, the IC will talk a lot!

• The youngest one won’t have words to respond, only emotions & sensations. Pay attention to what your body & imagination is telling you.
• The middle kid (around 13-14) is sometimes the most honest, & sometimes the angry one. Either way it needs to be encouraged to express how it feel & what it knows
• Some ACoAs don’t even talk to their teenage self, so it’s being ignored like at home, or it’s in rebellious mode with folded arms & facing away

HOWEVER – the main reason we don’t get a response (assuming we’re actually trying!) is because the child doesn’t trust us yet – we haven’t proven ourselves consistent or safe. Do you make an effort to communicate regularly, & with compassion? Are you being neglectful, OR do you sound like you original parents?

REALITY – if we are persistent in talking kindly, realistically to the kids & asking them Qs, eventually one or more will respond, even if it takes months, but only if we care enough to show up!

NEXT: Part 4 – Resistance from the WIC

Why RESIST talking to the Inner Child? (Part 2)

love the kid 

I JUST DON’T HAVE TIME
to stop & talk to the kid!

PREVIOUS: Talking to the Inner Child (#1)

POST: “How to Dialogue with your I.C.”

 

PROCRASTINATION & Dialoguing
Putting off (consistently OR at all) talking WITH our Inner Child is another example of the insidious procrastination many ACoAs are plagued by, representing resistance, either from the WIC or PP.
Many times we put off taking actions, even ones we would like, because we can’t make a decision. Our thinking is thoroughly confused by having several conflicting points of view about something & we don’t know how to parse them out. Which one is right?

🔸 This hamster-in-the-wheel thinking can include :
🗣 the real ‘voice’ of a mentor, friend or relative, ➕our own —hamster wheel
• the PP, society’s rules & religious beliefs as CDs
• the WIC’s fear, hopelessness & self-hate
• possibly the Healthy Child’s intuition / wishes
• sometimes even the rational Adult voice….
…… all at the board meeting in our head, vying to be heard & trying to win over the others

When this happens on a regular basis it does NOT means we’re crazy. It DOES mean we don’t have an clear sense of our own identity & permission to ‘know what I know’.

However, as we connect with our True Self – our general human rights &  specific needs – we can separate out the various internal voices, choosing the one most fitting to us & the current situation, via the healthy Adult. The others we ignored as irrelevant, incorrect or harmful

When ACoAs in Recovery are asked “Why don’t you talk to your Inner Child at all, OR if you do occasionally, then why not every day?” –  the most common response is “I don’t know” – with a lilt & a shrug. We know we’re supposed to but we have so many ‘reasons’ for not doing it!

RESISTANCE
1.  MAIN excuse
for refusing to talk to our Inner Child is:
I don’t woma & circleswant to connect with the pain that will come up: “I hate the kid – it only causes me trouble. It’s always messing things up for me! I want it to go away because it hurts when I do let it surface, AND I’m terrified I’ll uncover some deep dark trauma I can’t handle”

ANS: Re.causing trouble’ – as long as we ignore that younger, hurt part of us, it’ll keep jumping up & down, & biting us in the butt. Only when we consistently dialogue with the WIC will it act out less
Re. fear of ‘uncovering – actually, we already know all our deepest darkest suffering. Originally we had to shove it under a mental carpet or lock it away in the dungeon of our subconscious, but we never really forgot the main events.
What we’ve resisted knowing / feeling is how truly abusive & damaging they were for us, & so we ‘cope’ by cutting off & distracting ourselves.

Re. the Pain – We can only fully face early trauma when we have enough self-soothing skills via a good Inner Parent, a decent support system for guidance & comfort, & internal permission to feel all our Es without S-H.

With Recovery come a deeper, clearer understanding of what happened TO us & why! We must believe in our bones that we did not cause our damage, which will allow us to go deeper. It takes a certain amount of healing to tolerate re-feeling the backlog of old pain, which is provided by Ego Strength – “the ability to maintain emotional stability while coping with internal and external stressors”.

In any case (able to face the pain or not) – we need to develop a rapport with the Child, which means talking with it throughout the day about anything & everything – the weather, the colors we like, what we’re going to do after work, what book to read or show to watch…. No topic is too trivial! It’s time to heal our sad little one, & only love heals. Information is important, but love is the medicine.

NEXT: Resist Talking to the I.C. (Part 3)

UNIT: Healthy Adult/Parent (Part 3)

IT’S SORT OF LIKE:
Adult       = a good Dad,
Parent    = a good Mom,
&  Child  = little ME!

PREVIOUS: Adult & Parent (cont.)


📌  PP = pig parent

👂🏾WHY you may not ‘hear’ the IC 🦻🏼 (cont)

2. Introject:  Some people mainly hear the Bad Parent voice – in the form of ‘shoulds’ & judgments, about themselves & others (you know who you are). They’re the ones who know it all, are controlling, bossy, demanding, pushy….  channeling the Introject (PP)!

• So – when you start a conversation with such a person, you’ll be talking to their PP.
EXP: When Mike asked: “Hi, how are you doing?” He got back: “None of your business!”Screen Shot 2015-07-19 at 7.14.30 AM
And when Sara thought about writing a book, she heard “Who do you think you are?”

• It can be very enlightening to dialogue with the PP, to find out more about it’s point of view, what it’s telling the kid all the time, what it wants, what its concerns are…. so we can counter with truth & logic! z🥺

👥 The UNIT has to consistently be in play.
As grownups, we have to prove to the WIC we’re worthy of being in charge, since the ones who raised us were not.
As kids we had to either hide or be super-kid, but all of us were on our own. So developing a functional UNIT is the only way the kid will trust us enough to turn over it’s power, the only way to show the WIC is Safe & Valuable!

This is done by the UNIT’s healthy internal communication + appropriate external actions – which takes time & dedication to develop.  Our ONLY job is to take care of our Kid. If we do – everything else falls into place.

⬇️ CHARACTERISTICS of the LP – ways you can treat yourself!
EXPs: UNIT conversations with the Inner Child ⬇️

♥  Week before an operation:
IC: ‘I want a new red blanket to take with me to the hospital’
LP: ‘OK, honey, let’s go shopping.’
In the store:
IC: ‘I want that one! ‘ (the most expensive)
HA: ‘We only have $– to spend on this.  We need some money for groceries too’
LP: ‘I’ll get you one of these – thesmaller one. We already have 2 red blankets at home – & yes I know they’re old!”

Sensing the WIC’s anxiety:
LP: “I know you’re worried & scared about the procedure. I’ll be with you the whole time & Jerry’s picking us up afterwards.”
HA: “You know I trust this doctor.  We’ll be ok.”
IC: (Pouts but understands)

Waiting to get on a plane
IC: (A little antsy but not talking)
LP: (Noticing, waiting – knows kid is not afraid of flying, so it can’t be that)
IC: (Not saying anything but seems concerned)
LP: (Finally gets an ‘image’ of the issue) — “OK, OK, I’ll take you!”
(Kid doesn’t have to ‘go’ but is worried about needing the bathroom on the plane before seat belt light is off!
They go to the restroom & the kid is happy.😘

After a social gathering with casual friends
IC: (In a lot of pain) “They don’t like me, I talked too much, no one came over to me afterwards, I can’t go back there, I know they’re saying bad things about me …
HA: OK, I hear you.  But what we know about these particular people is that they have shown many ways that they like you. You’ve talked a lot before & they are still nice to us”
IC: “Yeah, but…”

HA:
“Yes, we aren’t their age or have the same core beliefs & not in their inner circle, but that’s not a negative reflection on you – or them. It’s just a reality. Different is different, not bad.”
LP: “Honey, the bottom line is that you are who you are & not everyone fits with us. That doesn’t make you undesirable.  We have to find places that suit all parts of us – the mental adult, the feeling kid (you, little one) & the spiritual parent.
IC: Reluctantly “OK”. It took a few days, but the pain went away.
*The next time at that same gathering  – everyone was as friendly as usual.   (“See, honey?” >”I know”)

NEXT: Relationship Form A – #1