I JUST DON’T HAVE TIME
to stop & talk to the kid!
PREVIOUS: Talking to the Inner Child (#1)
POST: “How to Dialogue with your I.C.”
🗣 FORMS of Self-Talk (Part 1)
1. OUR PROCRASTINATION to Dialoguing
Putting off talking WITH our Inner Child (inconsistently OR not at all) is another example of the insidious delaying tactic many ACoAs are plagued by. It represents resistance to self-care, either from the WIC or PigP.
Many times we put off taking actions, even ones we would like to do, because we can’t make a decision. Our thinking is thoroughly confused by having several conflicting points of view about something & we don’t know how to parse them out. Which one is right?
🔸 This hamster-in-the-wheel thinking can include :
🗣 the real ‘voice’ of a mentor, friend or relative, ➕our own —
• the PigP, society’s rules & religious beliefs as CDs
• the WIC’s fear, hopelessness & self-hate
• possibly the Healthy Child’s intuition / wishes
• sometimes even the rational Adult voice….
…… all at the board meeting in our head, vying to be heard & trying to win over the others
When this happens on a regular basis it does NOT means we’re crazy. It DOES mean we don’t have an clear sense of our own identity & permission to ‘know what I know’.
However, as we connect with our True Self – our general human rights & specific needs – we can separate out the various internal voices, choosing the one most fitting to us & the current situation, via the healthy Adult. The others we ignored as irrelevant, incorrect or harmful
When ACoAs in Recovery are asked “Why don’t you talk to your Inner Child at all, OR if you do occasionally, then why not every day?” – the most common response is “I don’t know” – with a lilt & a shrug. We know we’re supposed to but we have so many ‘reasons’ for not doing it!
✳️ MAIN excuse for refusing to talk to our Inner Child is:
⚠️ I don’t want to connect with the pain that will come up: “I hate the kid – it only causes me trouble. It’s always messing things up for me! I want it to go away because it hurts when I do let it surface, AND I’m terrified I’ll uncover some deep dark trauma I can’t handle”
ANS: Re. ‘causing trouble’ – as long as we ignore that younger, hurt part of us, it’ll keep jumping up & down, & biting us in the butt. Only when we consistently dialogue with the WIC will it stop causing us problems
Re. fear of ‘uncovering’ – actually, we already know all our deepest darkest horrors. Originally we had to shove it under a mental carpet or lock it away in the dungeon of our subconscious, but we never really forgot the main events.
What we’ve resisted knowing / feeling is how truly abusive & damaging our family was, & so we ‘cope’ by cutting off & distracting ourselves.
Re. the Pain – We can only fully face early trauma when we have enough self-soothing skills via a good Inner Parent, a decent support system for guidance & comfort, & internal permission to feel all our Es without S-H.
❗️AND – not all our emotions are painful. We also feel excitement, pleasure, enjoyment, relief….
With Recovery comes a deeper, clearer understanding of what happened TO us & why! We must believe in our bones that we did not cause our damage, which will allow us to go deeper.
It takes a certain amount of healing to tolerate re-feeling the backlog of old pain, which is provided by Ego Strength : “the ability to maintain emotional stability while coping with internal & external stressors”.
In any case, (whether able to face old pain or not), we need to develop a rapport with the Child, which means talking with it throughout the day about anything & everything – the weather, the colors we like, what we’re going to do after work, what book to read or show to watch…. No topic is too trivial! It’s time to heal our sad little one & the angry teen, & only love heals. Information is important, but love is the medicine.
NEXT: Resist Talking to the I.C. (Part 3)
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