I JUST DON’T HAVE TIME
to stop & talk to the kid!
PREVIOUS: Talking to the Inner Child (#1)
POST: “How to Dialogue with your I.C.”
PROCRASTINATION & Dialoguing
Putting off (consistently OR at all) talking WITH our Inner Child is another example of the insidious procrastination many ACoAs are plagued by, representing resistance, either from the WIC or PP.
Many times we put off taking actions, even ones we would like, because we can’t make a decision. Our thinking is thoroughly confused by having several conflicting points of view about something & we don’t know how to parse them out. Which one is right?
🔸 This hamster-in-the-wheel thinking can include :
🗣 the real ‘voice’ of a mentor, friend or relative, ➕our own —
• the PP, society’s rules & religious beliefs as CDs
• the WIC’s fear, hopelessness & self-hate
• possibly the Healthy Child’s intuition / wishes
• sometimes even the rational Adult voice….
…… all at the board meeting in our head, vying to be heard & trying to win over the others
When this happens on a regular basis it does NOT means we’re crazy. It DOES mean we don’t have an clear sense of our own identity & permission to ‘know what I know’.
However, as we connect with our True Self – our general human rights & specific needs – we can separate out the various internal voices, choosing the one most fitting to us & the current situation, via the healthy Adult. The others we ignored as irrelevant, incorrect or harmful
When ACoAs in Recovery are asked “Why don’t you talk to your Inner Child at all, OR if you do occasionally, then why not every day?” – the most common response is “I don’t know” – with a lilt & a shrug. We know we’re supposed to but we have so many ‘reasons’ for not doing it!
1. MAIN excuse for refusing to talk to our Inner Child is:
• I don’t want to connect with the pain that will come up: “I hate the kid – it only causes me trouble. It’s always messing things up for me! I want it to go away because it hurts when I do let it surface, AND I’m terrified I’ll uncover some deep dark trauma I can’t handle”
ANS: Re. ‘causing trouble’ – as long as we ignore that younger, hurt part of us, it’ll keep jumping up & down, & biting us in the butt. Only when we consistently dialogue with the WIC will it act out less
Re. fear of ‘uncovering’ – actually, we already know all our deepest darkest suffering. Originally we had to shove it under a mental carpet or lock it away in the dungeon of our subconscious, but we never really forgot the main events.
What we’ve resisted knowing / feeling is how truly abusive & damaging they were for us, & so we ‘cope’ by cutting off & distracting ourselves.
Re. the Pain – We can only fully face early trauma when we have enough self-soothing skills via a good Inner Parent, a decent support system for guidance & comfort, & internal permission to feel all our Es without S-H.
With Recovery come a deeper, clearer understanding of what happened TO us & why! We must believe in our bones that we did not cause our damage, which will allow us to go deeper. It takes a certain amount of healing to tolerate re-feeling the backlog of old pain, which is provided by Ego Strength – “the ability to maintain emotional stability while coping with internal and external stressors”.
In any case (able to face the pain or not) – we need to develop a rapport with the Child, which means talking with it throughout the day about anything & everything – the weather, the colors we like, what we’re going to do after work, what book to read or show to watch…. No topic is too trivial! It’s time to heal our sad little one, & only love heals. Information is important, but love is the medicine.
NEXT: Resist Talking to the I.C. (Part 3)