PREVIOUS: Resist dialoguing, #2
POST:“Ego States – Basics” (Adult, Parent, Child)
TOPIC: TOOL for Recovery / healing IS
Healthy Adult & Loving Parent <–> Inner Child dialoguing
For ACoAs, the GOAL of this process is to shift the WIC’s focus away from believing all the harmful, distorted & untrue things it hears from the Introject – to stop the Child from relying on that voice for it’s identity & way of functioning in the world.
We need to woo the WIC away from the PigP & redirect it’s attention to our Healthy Adult & the newly developed Loving PARENT. To do that we use written & verbal dialogues, gradually replacing the harsh voice which originally created our self-hate
EVERYONE has inner dialogues all the time – called self-talk. We argue pros & cons, debating: “Should I or shouldn’t I?”, we obsessively argue with a ‘real’ person about something that bothers us – but only in our head, we hear the ‘voice’ of our parents or a religious figure scolding or lecturing…. AND no one thinks that’s crazy. SO – why not conversations with our younger self??
A common Q about talking with the Inner Child: “Is it supposed to grow up, go away or what?”
ANS: We want to heal the wounded child & bring forward the Natural one, which is our essence. Then they interact with the other 2 E.S. to make a whole person. (Review ADULT #2)
🗣FORMS of SELF-TALK
a. Most of the time we think in the ‘I’ form, which is either the Adult, Part 1 or the Inner Child, positively or negatively.
➕ If the statements are positive “I’d rather not do that – thanks all the same, I need more sleep, I’ll study for that exam today…” that’s the Healthy Adult
“I want to see that movie, I looove my cat, give me some more ice cream, I don’t want to be around that —, it doesn’t feel good….” you’re hearing the healthy Child
➖ If the statements in the “I” form are negative, harsh, painful…. then we know it’s the Wounded Inner Child (WIC) who is in self-hate or hopeless mode: “I can’t do anything right, no one likes me, I can’t stand being ignored!, I’ll never get anywhere – I might as well give up….”
b. However, when we talk to ourselves in the “You” form, our Inner Parent is talking to the Inner Child, probably without realizing it.
➕ If the statements are positive, then our Loving / Nurturing Parent may say: “You can do it, you’re so smart – I’m proud of you, I know you’re in pain & I’m here with you, you’ll do better next time….”
➖ If the ‘You’ statements are mean, discouraging, judgmental… we know it’s the Introject (PigP / Bad Parent) talking to the Child part of us:
”You should have known better than to —, You could have done that if you’d tried harder, You blew it, you — !, You’re in trouble now! You’re so stupid, No one’s ever going to like you” ….
ACoAs: Notice that our self-talk is rarely if ever positive**, supportive, congratulatory…. Instead, we have perpetual toxic internal voices, with either the PigP haranguing the WIC or the WIC attacking itself, in agreement with the PigP
Some of us have a fairly well-developed Adult (from life experience & native intelligence) but only use it at work &/or to benefit others. Most of us are skating by on the WIC’s version of an Adult – which is very limited & full of CDs (cognitive distortions).
Even when we have a competent Adult ego state, we’re still missing the Good Parent – the main thing we’re trying to create with this tool.
**POSITIVE: Emotions are NEVER negative or positive – are just to be acknowledged, not changed or eliminated.
Only thoughts or actions (T.E.A.) can be helpful or harmful, encouraging or discouraging, useful or wasteful, valuable or worthless, producing growth or stagnation…. SO they can be corrected when they’re self-defeating.
(POST: Being Negative means….)
NEXT: Resist Talking to the IC (#2)