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Continuing from ‘ADULT E.S. Part 3’, this chart shows how people function in organizations.
1. DAMAGING PARENT styles of communication are ineffective. The intended message sent to an employee is not understood, so whatever needs to be accomplished is less likely to be done, or done incorrectly
The ‘sender’ boss or group leader is not OK & so treats ‘listeners’ the same as themselves = as “Not OK”, or encourages them to make someone else “Not OK” (as scapegoat).
Because communication is broken, it can escalate to anger by more & more misunderstanding, or will stop altogether. In extreme cases the rift will be permanent. (‘Adult E.S., Part 2’)
a. Criticizing P.: In this mode we try to hang on to a sense of power & superiority by controlling through fear & intimidation. We talk down to others, not allowing them to share in decisions, sometimes even the actual work, or expecting too much of them, & always dissatisfied with their performance
We assume other people can’t do things as well as we can, except maybe a few chosen ones (who are like us) – but we never take responsibility for our own mistakes or ignorance. Then we can end up taking on too much of the workload, & get burned out
b. Inconsistent / Unavailable P : In this mode we’re not dependable, give incomplete or confusing instruction, & mixed messages, like offering praise one day & judging or ignoring staff / co-workers another day
Actions are seemingly random, depending on our inner turmoil, even leaning on subordinates to do the work for us or ‘hold our hand’ emotionally
At other times we may be silent, distant & cold. This style is often a copy of one of our parents, so we’ll might be indecisive, because of distorted thinking (CDs), & lack of knowledge or experience (Ts & As) and/or being moody, depressed, afraid of taking risks because of low self-esteem & fear of loss (Es & As)
Just as the Interfering Adult thinks no one can do anything right in the practical / functional realm,
= the boundary-invading Parent believes no one can take care of themselves emotionally.
At work these modes put a great deal of pressure on anyone in charge, (boss / manager), often creating exhaustion, anxiety & depression.
Unhealthy Parent style
• People-pleasing – It’s the ROLE of the ‘parent who lets the children run the household’. At work or in other groups we try to make everyone our friend, don’t discriminate between safe & unsafe people, trying to over-compensate for the bad parents we had originally, & who are now in our head
• Rescuing – we see everyone as a ‘child who must be attended to in some way’. This controlling style looks like a benevolent care-taker, but actually imposes our own point of view on others. It’s an over-blown sense of responsibility, trying to meet everyone needs – like the ones we never got but are not allowed to give ourself.
2. INTEGRATING ADULT is the effective way to tell others “WE are OK” It’s the E.S. most likely to get the desired / intended responses or results from others that we want :
= info is received, necessary actions follow, & good relationships are developed or maintained.
It allows conversations to continue (now or later) if necessary & desired. Each person or group is able to hold onto their “I’m OK” position, whether they agree with each other – or not, or whether like each other – or not
WISE PARENT is the Supporting / Nurturing. In this E.S. we are caring & affirming.
= We can be helpful, guiding, mentoring…. without controlling or micro-managing
= We can be understanding & compassionate, without people-pleasing.
Pos. Physical: arm around shoulder as sign of support, pat on the back
Pos Verbal: encouraging statements “I’ll take care of you, you did really well, I’m proud of you….”
NEXT: The UNIT, #1