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Continuing from ‘ADULT E.S. Part 3’, this chart shows how people function in organizations.
1. DAMAGING PARENT styles of communication are ineffective. The intended message sent is not understood, so whatever needs to be accomplished is less likely to be done, or done incorrectly
The ‘sender’ is not OK & so treats ‘listeners’ the same as themselves = as “Not OK”, or encourages them to make someone else “Not OK” (as scapegoat).
Because communication is broken, it will stop or can escalate to more & more misunderstanding & anger. In extreme cases the rift will be permanent. ‘Adult E.S., Part 2’)
a. Criticizing P.: In this mode we try to hang on to a sense of power & superiority by controlling through fear & intimidation. We talk down to others, not allowing them to share in decisions, sometimes even the actual work, or expecting too much of them & always dissatisfied with their performance
We assume other people can’t do things as well as we can, except maybe a few chosen ones (who are like us) – but we never take responsibility for our own mistakes or ignorance. Then we can end up taking on too much of the workload, & get burned out
b. Inconsistent / Unavailable P : In this mode we’re not dependable, give incomplete or confusing instruction, & mixed messages, like offering praise one day & judging or ignoring staff / co-workers another day
Actions are seemingly random, depending on our inner turmoil, even leaning on subordinates to do the work for us or ‘hold our hand’ emotionally
At other times we may be silent, distant & cold. This style is often a copy of one of our parents, so we’ll might be indecisive, because of distorted thinking (CDs), & lack of knowledge or experience (Ts & As) and/or being moody, depressed, afraid of taking risks because of low self-esteem & fear of loss (Es & As)
Just as the the Interfering Adult thinks no one can do anything right in the practical/ functional realm,
= the boundary-invading Parent believes no one can take care of themselves emotionally
At work these modes put a great deal of pressure on anyone in charge, (boss / manager), often creating exhaustion, anxiety & depression.
Unhealthy Parent style
• People-pleasing – being in the ROLE of ‘parent who lets the children run the household’. At work or in other groups we try to make everyone our friend, don’t discriminate between safe & unsafe people, trying to over-compensate for the bad parents we had originally & who are now in our head
• Rescuing – we see everyone as a ‘child who must be attended to in some way’. This controlling style looks like a benevolent care-taker, but actually imposes our own point of view on others. It’s an over-blown sense of responsibility, trying to meet everyone needs – like the ones we never got but are not allowed to give ourselves
2. INTEGRATING ADULT – is the effective way to tell others “WE are OK” It’s the E.S. most likely to get the desired/ intended responses or results we want:
= info is received, necessary actions follow, & good relationships are developed or maintained.
It allows conversations to continue (now or later) if necessary & desired. Each person or group is able to hold onto their “I’m OK” position, whether they agree with each other – or not, or whether like each other – or not
WISE PARENT is Supporting / Nurturing. In this E.S. we are caring & affirming.
= We can be helpful, guiding, mentoring…. without controlling or micro-managing
= We can be understanding & compassionate, without people-pleasing.
Pos. Physical: arm around shoulder as sign of support, pat on the back
Pos Verbal: encouraging statements “I’ll take care of you, you did really well, I’m proud of you….”
NEXT: The UNIT, #1