I’VE ALWAYS HAD TO CONTROL –
everything to feel safe

PREVIOUS: What is Control #5

POSTs : Healthy UNIT – Adult & Parent

QUOTE: “Wealth is not about having a lot of money. It’s about having a lot of options”.  ~ Chris Rock

To IMPROVE Self-control (S-C), especially in difficult situations, having as much info about the PPT involved is relevant & important.
But when trying to understand or decide what to or not to do/say – First – step back & do a quick mental OVER-VIEW :
• Pay more attention to the forest instead of focusing on individual trees, ie. consider the ultimate goal or big picture of the situation you’re in

• Look at how your actions fit into an overall framework, as being part of a larger plan or purpose in your life, NOT just a specific instance or action. Don’t just stare at a detail in front of you (“But he said…., they ignored me…..), getting lost in something that bothers you or that may be out-of-place.

Problem:
• One instance of an issue or topic is not its purpose or definition, so using it to define a concept is faulty thinking (a CD),
➼ AND only focusing on a specific example or instance prevents us from being able to apply the concept to a wide variety of life situations. This limits our ability to understand what causes our actions, & so to be in charge of them.

EXP: When a person is asked what they think something means
“What is the purpose of Guilt?” // “What is Self-Hate” ….
— the inevitably answer is given as an example of it:
“Feeling bad about something” // “Being hard on oneself”….
— rather than its basic definition, its meaning, or what it’s used for.
Solution:
Think of a Definition or Purpose of a topic as the large category ANIMAL (the Kingdom. Then you can list as many different examples as apply – cat, horse, bird, elephant, crock….(the Species)

Healthy S-C is NOT ABOUT:
• asking for permission to be who you already are. But it’s respectful to ask – if you’re ‘impinging’ on someone’s rights, or if you need to give them a choice about something
• being any healthier than you are – to have good things in your life
• knowing everything or solving every issue (not be perfect)
• arguing your point – unless it’s really important, especially when it’s clear they’re not open. You don’t have to be right, & don’t have to prove it when you are
If we push & push to be understood by such people, we just make a fool of ourselves (Article re. being in control, w/ Biblical references)

STRENGTHEN S-C by engaging your ADULT
INSIDE:
• every morning look in the mirror while washing & teeth-brushing, & think of 5 things you value about yourself – no matter how imperfect!
• be honest, & be true to yourself. Realize you’re important, & never believe or accept anyone saying or implying that you aren’t
AND
• focus on what’s important to you, & put your all into those – rather than into things that aren’t that relevant or worthwhile
• be happy with yourself, focus on what you can change, and ignore what you can’t (either not right now – or ever)
• make the best of the life you have, changing the things that are harmful & eliminating things that are a waste of time/energy
OUTSIDE:
• always remember your best qualities & skills, what makes you valuable & unique, so you can be your best Self in the moment
• organize the important things you need to do each day, & keep a positive (“can-do”) attitude in your work place
AND
• try doing things the way you want to, instead of letting others influence you to do it their way, or distract you from your goals
• when someone is mean to you (by action/ words), stick up for yourself, with assertive “I” statements, coming from your Healthy Adult
• remember to be polite, & look at things as possibilities (WikiHow)
YOU CAN be in control / in charge of your life.

NEXT: Toxic Family Rules