I’VE ALWAYS HAD TO CONTROL
everything to feel safe

PREVIOUS: What is Control #4

SEE post: Healthy UNIT – Adult & Parent

QUOTE: “Wealth is not about having a lot of money. It’s about having a lot of options”.  ~ Chris Rock

STUDY – by Jerome Kagan, from Harvard U, looked to see if ‘personality’ changes with age, & noted that brain wiring is a fundamental factor. His team used MRI scans to show that the brains of young adults – identified as shy as toddlers – work differently than the more Extroverted as kids.  HOWEVER, there are many other factors, including class, that make a difference in how children mature.

To IMPROVE self-control, especially in difficult situations, having details about the PPT involved are relevant & important, but when trying to understand or decide on what to or not to do/say – First step back & do a mental OVER-VIEW:
• Pay more attention to the forest instead of focusing on individual trees – consider the ultimate goal or big picture of the situation you’re in

• Look at how your actions fit into an overall framework, as being part of a larger plan or purpose in your life, NOT just a specific instance or action. Don’t just stare at a detail in front of you (“But he said…., they ignored me…..), getting lost in something that bothers you or that may be out-of-place.

EXP: When people are asked what they think something means:
“What is the purpose of Guilt?” // “What is Self-Hate” ….
— the inevitably answer is given as an example of it:
“Feeling bad about something” // “Being hard on oneself”….
— rather than a basic definition, it’s meaning, or what it’s used for.
Problem:
• An instance of an issue or topic is not its purpose or definition, so it’s faulty thinking (a CD), ➼ AND only focusing on a specific example or instance prevents us from being able to apply the concept to a wide variety of life situations – thus limiting our ability to understand what causes our actions & so to be in charge of them.
Suggestion:
Think of a Definition or Purpose as the large category ANIMAL (the Kingdom), rather than just one of its many examples – cat, horse, bird, elephant….(the Species)

IDEAS for your ADULT, so YOU can be in charge of your own life
INSIDE:
• every morning look in the mirror while washing & teeth-brushing, & think of 5 things you value about yourself – no matter how imperfect!
• be honest, & be true to yourself. Realize you’re important, & never believe or accept anyone saying or implying that you aren’t
• focus on what’s important to you, & put your all into those – rather than into things that aren’t that relevant or worthwhile
• be happy with yourself, focus on what you can change, and ignore what you can’t (either not right now – or ever)
• make the best of the life you have, & changing the things that are harmful & eliminating things that are a waste of time/energy
OUTSIDE:
• when someone is mean to you (action/ words), stick up for yourself, with assertive “I” statements, coming from your Healthy Adult
• always remember your best qualities & skills, what makes you valuable & unique, so you can be your best Self in the moment
• try doing things the way you want to, instead of letting others influence you to do it their way, or distract you from your goals
• organize the important things you need to do each day, & keep a positive (“can-do”) attitude in your work place
• remember to be polite, & look at things as possibilities (WikiHow)

Ultimately, it means:
• being in charge of you WIC – by forming a relationship with him/her, so you are the stronger voice – reasonable, trustworthy and KIND
• AND not letting the PP bully the child into staying in the disease, who will then either rebel or fold.
YOU CAN be in control / in charge of your life.

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