IT’S SO MUCH BETTER FOR ME
to be in control, than to be controlling

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SEE post: ‘ACoAs Acting controlling’

REMINDER: See Acronym PAGE for abbrev.

QUOTE: “To enjoy freedom we have to control ourselves” ~ Virginia Woolf

Self-Control and PRESSURE
1. Neutral: No Pressure – A free environment with no competition, where you can do whatever you want. Self-control is based on however you feel at the moment. With no one else to compare to, people will be more -or- less motivated, depending on the urgency of whatever they’re doing, or their ability to self-motivate

ACoAs – Re.‘ Neutral: No Pressure’, self-motivation is not our strong suit, as mentioned in other posts. We’re taught to take care of others – instead of ourselves.
When we have an open chunk of time, we often think “I don’t know what to do”,  OR “I have so many things I could do / should be doing – I don’t know which one to pick”.
So we end up wasting the opportunity by doing nothing or just puttering around. Then we feel frustrated & upset with ourselves (S-H).

2. Negative: Bad Pressure – In a judgmental & prejudicial environment with no competition, people can get depressed, unmotivated & lose self-control.
REVIEW:
➤Emotional Power over others, OR
➤Emotional over-Control of oneself are the same because they:
• try to unfairly influence inner feelings, beliefs, attitudes, values
• are inappropriate internal strategies for dealing with issues, conflicts or mistakes
• are less obvious than physical methods, being manipulative, sneaky, dishonest
• produce subtle results (harder to catch)
• are identified by resulting signs — emotional suppression, depression, negativity, pessimism, low self-esteem, insecurity, discouragement

3. Positive: Good Pressure – Being in a competitive but non-judgmental, non-prejudicial environment makes people want to be like those around them, to become motivated, inspired & gain self-control

Healthy Self-Control does NOT mean we have to:
• know everything or solve everything (not be perfect)
• be any healthier than we are – to have good things in our life
• ask for permission to be who we already are. But it’s respectful to ask – if we’re ‘impinging’ on their rights, or if we need to give them a choice about something
• argue – unless it’s really important (don’t have to be right, & don’t have to prove it when we are)
• convince others of our point, especially when it’s clear they’re not open.
If we push & push to be understood by such people, we just make a fool of ourselves (Article re. being in control, w/ Biblical references)

STUDY from Humboldt University, Germany:
Broad styles of emotional control can be identified early in life.  This study followed children for 19 years, starting at age 4, then divided them into young people who were –
• Under-controlled:  disagreeable & lacked self-control. “When feeling frustrated they acted aggressively towards others, notwithstanding the negative consequences.”

• Resilient (balanced): self-confident, emotionally stable, with a positive orientation toward others. These were “good at modulating their emotions, interacting with others & bouncing back from adversity”

• Over-controlled: emotionally brittle, introverted, tense, quiet, self-conscious & uncomfortable around strangers. Who “… control their emotions too much, so are less ‘natural’ & spontaneous. Being slow to warm up, they are seen by others as shy.”

COMMENTS : Our personal style of emotional reactivity, combined with environmental experiences affect brain chemistry, suggesting how we react to life as adults.
Regardless of which type we’re born as, pre-Recovery ACoAs are rarely ‘Resilient’, but more likely over- or under-controlled from childhood trauma

⚡︎ ⚡︎ SO: coming from a turbulent, dysfunctional home, the impulsive child can easily turn out to be the trouble-maker or drama-queen, AND the shy one ends up isolated, depressed & marginalized (Scapegoat or Lost Child)

One observation from the study was that – “compared to the resilient children, the other 2 types took longer to move into adult roles, such as leaving home, starting a romantic relationship or finding a career. Accomplishing these milestones requires a social adeptness that over- and under-controllers take longer to develop….”

⎈ BUT: if someone came from a loving family, the Extrovert could grow up to be a dynamic go-getter AND the Introvert will be the quiet one who successfully uses their influence & skill in-the-background

NEXT: Healthy Control (Part 2)