PREVIOUS : Identifying the N (Part 2)
Re. THEMSELVES (Ns) cont. — THEY:
◆ don’t show their ‘true’ (damaged) self
Ns are manipulative, so of course they won’t be themselves when you first meet. They lure you into believing they’re an OK ‘normal’ person, maybe even sweet & kind. You won’t find out the truth until much later – when it’s too late because you’re already hooked.
◆ don’t like losing control
Ns can’t stand to be at the mercy of other people’s preferences, which remind them they’re not invulnerable or completely independent. EXP: They may have to ask for what they want, & even worse, people may not feel like meeting the request.
When Ns are not in the driver’s seat in all situation, with everyone – they get extremely anxious &/or angry – but won’t want to show it, because that would also be losing control!
Having everything be the way they want – without consideration for others – gives them a sense of security, knowing others will give in
◆ don’t do anything they don’t want to, OR that doesn’t benefit them
They can do helpful, useful things for others, but t’s not from generosity. It will only be something they actually like to do & nothing more. If it happens to be good for you too – that’s lucky, because anything else will be ignored.
✘ If an important object, emotion or need you have does not make sense to them, they’ll ignore it or blatantly put it down, no matter how much it means to you
✘ Ns don’t do anything without benefitting themselves. Whatever ‘kindness’ they do for you – they’re already calculating what they’ll get in return. You won’t know what they’re going to want until they call in a very big favor, out of proportion to what they did.
So, automatically giving a N whatever they want is NOT a good idea.
◆ don’t take orders
Don’t try to order a N around (not that it’s OK to do to anyone). But Ns are especially touchy about their importance & high value, so trying to be in charge of them or take control away from them will put a big dent in their self-esteem. It shouldn’t be surprising to later find they’re out for revenge, directly or subtly
◆ won’t let anyone prove them wrong
Ns will argue that black is white until you start agreeing. This is one of the biggest negatives from being around them for too long. Arguing with them is a waste of time & effort, because they have their ‘reasons’ all figured out. Some even believe that they’re spouting.
The clever ones can sound very ‘logical’ & therefore convincing. BUT each premise is always flawed in some subtle way.
Others just repeat their crazy thinking (illogical, contradictory, untenable….). Unless you’re very clear (“I know what I know”), you may start doubting your own beliefs & actual experiences, because they sound soooo convinced of their position.
◆ never allow you to see them as the bad guy / gal
Ns can never tolerate seeing themselves as the ‘bad one’, so have to make sure you don’t either. No matter the reality of a situation – of their making or just life – the blame for something being ‘off’ will ultimately fall on you, which can easily have make you feel like a terrible person. But getting you to feel bad about yourself is exactly what they want. That way they ‘win’.
◆constantly feel under-appreciated
Their grandiose attitude means they always have a grievance against the world. Because they feel entitled to something better, Ns are convinced they’re not getting the recognition they deserve, & can become bitter & cynical
◆ If not outwardly grandiose ….
“Covert N”, is the softer – BUT not milder – form, expressed in being anxious, defensive, hypersensitive & withdrawn, as opposed to the blatant hyper-aggressive, super-loud Trump type.
Both share a common core of arrogance, conceit, & giving in to their own needs while disregard others, just in a different style.
Extrapolated from “The Narcissist You Know.” by psychologist Joseph Burgo, Ph.D.
NEXT : Overt Ns – toward others (#1)