IF I PAY ATTENTION
I’ll know who to trust!

PREVIOUS: Healthy Trusting #4

LIE DETECTING
• To safely trust requires a relatively healthy Inner Self we can depend on to correctly evaluate our environment & identify how people, places or things make us feel emotionally & physically (in our gut).
> Safety does not come from being naive, a patsy or unrealistic, which is Over-T.

• Some of us are naturally better at reading body language & have a higher social IQ, while others have to work at it, but it can be accomplished.
When we first meet people we can’t know if they’re going to be honest, dishonest or some mix.  As we get to know them, we’ll be able to tell if they’re reliable, noticing things like verbal inconsistencies & physical cues of lying or evasion

Interesting: Nancy Carter & J. Mark Weber (2010) surveyed a group of MBA students in Toronto & found that 85% believed that cynical people (low-trusting) are better at detecting liars. Scientists then filmed people in fake job interviews, half of whom were told to include some lies. These videos were then shown to the original students.

To everyone’s surprise it was the high-trusting (others) participants (not acoa-type over-trusters) who had the best lie-detecting scores.
They were the most sensitive to deceit, noticing physical giveaways like fidgeting & changes in voice tone & pitch.
The cynics scored the worst, more often ‘hiring’ the participants who had lied – which shows that using skepticism as a defense can be a handicap! (MORE….)

This suggests:
• even though low-trusters will usually assume others are lying to them – perhaps as a project of their own tendency to lie – they’re not very good at actually spotting when others are being dishonest
• because high-trusters are better at spotting lies, they’re less fearful of being duped, making it easier for them to be comfortable in the world & taking social risks. Also, people who are generally predisposed to trusting others are perceived by others to be trustworthy (MORE… )

PRACTICAL TRUST in BIZ comes from assessing someone’s:
a. Ability – basing expectations on some proof that a candidate has the knowledge & skill to function in a way that meets your needs or requirements
EXP: Check their credential & references, give a trial period & then re-evaluate. ONLY ask them for what you KNOW they have to offer from first-hand experience or reliable sources

b. Integrity – how well the hired person sticks to principles that are acceptable to you AND that you’ve mutually agreed on, including:
• honoring standards of legality, fairness, excellence…..
• meaning what they say
• a history of follow-thru
This may still require a written contact, to cover unforeseen future changes or difficulties
EXP:  > your spouse keeping their promise of fidelity
> the company you work for provides all stated commitments
> the contractor does the remodeling job, & for the price quoted

c. Respect / Caring – in personal relationships, trust developed over time, so you know the person:
• cares enough about your welfare to either be of help, or at least not get in your way, OR
• has your best interest at heart & their motives are ‘clean’, OR
• will do anything they can (appropriately) to be there for you, thru thick or thin, while still taking care of themselves  (MORE….)

You can Trust SAFE people by ALREADY HAVING the:
• Emotional health to rely on appropriate, safe others (being vulnerable enough), to give them the opportunity to treat you in a fair, open & honest way
• Ability to let safe people into your life & build relationships based on mutual respect, caring & concern, so both can grow & mature independently
• ‘Trust’ glue of good relationships, that allows your True Self to flourish
• Inner assurance of acceptance from the person who you can share secrets with
• Assurance that things are fine between you – so that, come what may – nothing can disrupt the bond you have with each other

BEING ABLE TO:
• Choose the right people to be supportive & reinforcing, even when you’re ‘weak’ / needy
• Let safe-others know your emotions & reactions, with the confidence they’ll respect you & not take advantage
TO :
• Share your innermost Truth with a few others, with the belief – from experience – they won’t spread it around
• Assume safe-others won’t intentionally hurt or abuse you if you make a mistake
• Open up to let safe-others in on your background, problems, concerns & limitations, assured they won’t cut you off because of them.

NEXT: Being Trustworthy