IF I PAY ATTENTION
I’ll know who to trust!

PREVIOUS: Healthy Trusting #4

LIE DETECTING
• To safely trust requires a relatively healthy Inner Self we can depend on to correctly evaluate our environment & identify how people, places or things make us feel emotionally & physically (in our gut).
> Safety does not come from being naive, a patsy or being unrealistic, which are part of Over-T.

• Some of us are naturally better at reading body language & have a higher social IQ, while others have to work at it, but it can be developed.
When we first meet people we can’t know if they’re going to be honest, dishonest or some mix.  As we get to know them, we’ll be able to tell if they’re reliable, by noticing things like verbal inconsistencies & physical cues of lying or evasion

Interesting: Nancy Carter & J. Mark Weber (2010) surveyed a group of MBA students in Toronto & found that 85% believed that cynical people (low-trusting) are better at detecting liars. Scientists then filmed people in fake job interviews, half of whom were told to include some lies. These videos were then shown to the original students.

To everyone’s surprise it was the high-trusting (of others) participants (not acoa-type over-trusters) who had the best lie-detecting scores.
They were the most sensitive to deceit, noticing physical giveaways like fidgeting & changes in voice tone & pitch.
The cynics scored the worst, more often ‘hiring’ the participants who had lied – which shows that using skepticism as a defense can be a handicap!

This suggests:
• even though low-trusters will usually assume others are lying to them (maybe a projection of their own tendency) –  they’re actually not very good at  spotting the dishonest ones
• because high-trusters are better at catching lies, they’re less fearful of being duped, making it easier for them to be comfortable in the world & taking social risks.
Also, people who are generally predisposed to being trusting are seen by others as trustworthy .

PRACTICAL TRUST in BIZ comes from assessing someone’s :
a. Ability – base expectations of competence on some proof that a candidate has the knowledge & skill to meet your needs or requirements
EXP: Check their credential & references, give a trial period & then re-evaluate. ONLY ask them what they have to offer when you have reliable sources & you’re sure they’ve had first-hand experience

b. Integrity – how well the hired person sticks to principles that are acceptable to you AND that you’ve mutually agreed on, including:
• honoring standards of legality, fairness, excellence…..
• meaning what they say
• a history of follow-thru
This may still require a written contact, to cover unforeseen future changes or difficulties. This may include a Marriage contact – expecting your spouse to keep their promise of fidelity
In BIZ:  > the company you work for providing all stated commitments
> the contractor doing the remodeling job – well, & for the price quoted

c. Respect / Caring – in personal relationships, trust develops over time, so you find out that the person:
• cares enough about your welfare to either be of help, or at least not get in your way
• has your best interest at heart & their motives are ‘clean’
• will do anything they can (appropriately) to be there for you, thru’ thick or thin, while still taking care of themself  (MORE….)

You can Trust SAFE people if you ALREADY HAVE the:
• Ability to find & let safe people into your life,  building relationships based on mutual respect, caring & concern, so both can grow & mature independently
• Emotional health to appropriately rely on safe others, so they have opportunities to treat you in a fair, open & honest way
• ‘Trust’-glue of good relationships, that allows your True Self to flourish
• Inner assurance of acceptance from the person who you can share secrets with. That things are fine between you – so come what may – nothing can disrupt the bond you have with each other

BEING ABLE TO :
• Choose the right people to be supportive & reinforcing, even when you’re ‘weak’ / needy
• Let safe-others know your emotions & reactions, with the confidence they’ll respect you & not take advantage
TO :
• Assume safe-others won’t intentionally hurt or abuse you if you make a mistake
• Open up to safe-others about your background, problems, concerns & limitations, assured they won’t cut you off because of them
• Share your innermost Truth with a few others, with the belief – from experience – that they won’t spread it around.

NEXT: Being Trustworthy