PREVIOUS: Healthy Trust #3

SITE: “5 Facets of trust”(Slide #6 & 29-33)
Cultivation & Manifestation of Trust

ATTITUDES that DEVELOP the ability to TRUST

• Self-acceptance: to do this we have to know who we are – good points & weaknesses.  There’s NO room for self-abuse, only realistic assessment of ALL our qualities, abilities & knowledge.  Improved self-esteem makes it safer to get close to people without fear of abuse or abandonment

• Self-disclosure of our woundedness:  Al–anon suggests that “You’re only as sick as your secrets”, so we need to air out our pain & distorted thinking – but ONLY in safe places & with healthier people

• A healing environment: good therapists, healers, teachers, recovery & spiritual groups.  As we grow we can change how we interact with significant others, which will lessen blame, accusations & acrimony on all sides

• Diminished fear: many of us will have to ‘act as if’ until we feel safer. Intense fears from the past can linger, & ‘new’ ones depends on negative self-talk & staying with unrecovered people. “If it’s hysterical, it’s  historical”. The less FoA & S-H we have the less our day-to-day fear.  In any case, even with our fears, we don’t have to restrict all our interactions & activities

• More openness: Others can’t connect with us if we keep hiding our True Self.  With Recovery we can risk being appropriately open with the right people, who have proven themselves kind & supportive, so that they can get to know & appreciate us

• Reduced Competitiveness: ACoAs don’t always want exactly what others have, but are envious (between 2 people) & jealous (between 3 or more) because they’re getting their needs met but we’re not allowed to! We feel deeply powerless, becoming enraged & obsessed. So the more we provide our needs, there’ll be less desire for competition or accusations of unfairness, reducing barriers between ourselves & others

• Remembering the balance of life: the “Boomerang Effect’’ shows that if we are dishonest, mistrusting, narrow-minded… we assume everyone else is too, & are more likely to meet up with the same type.
BUT if we practice being sincere, respectful, kind, open-minded (but not foolish), most people will respond by showing us their best side too. This is not the same as being a victim or people-pleaser, which some people can’t resist taking advantage of

• Hope in the overall good will of mankind: without it we become isolated & emotionally stuck. This comes from learning to recognize & pull out the ‘weeds & parasites’ in our life, & knowing that not everyone is narcissistic or dangerous

NOTE : Trust as a Virtue – in some cultures (rural, religious, fraternities, armed forces, police, gangs, tight-knit criminals….) cooperation & friendly social relations are based on mutual trust & trustworthiness, which are considered a prerequisite & great virtue (“I’m no snitch, I’ve got you back, blood is thicker than water….. ”) (Morton Deutsch, 1973)

HEALTHY PEOPLE WANT TO: 
• be honest with themselves & others in important matters
• tell their truth, or if they don’t feel safe doing so, be clear as to why
• opt for compromise when someone differs on important matters
• consistently keep their promises
• be respectfully direct & assertive, rather than aggressive or submissive

NEXT: HOW to Trust