the better my discernment

PREVIOUS: Healthy Trust (#2)




H.T. is knowing who & what can be relied on – or not. Legitimate trust comes in large part from experience, so it’s imperative for ACoAs to not jump in too easily or quickly into new situation or with new people
H.T. allows us & others to be human – with weaknesses & strengths, while having a generally favorable outlook on life

. assumes things usually work out, but able to deal with frustration, delay & loss without falling apart –  because we won’t automatically react from FoA
H.T. allows us to ‘trust the process’ of life, participating in an activity (like Recovery or learning a skill) without knowing the outcome, since we can’t predict the future, no matter how much we wish it

. takes time to develop. ‘Instant trust’ is a symptom of symbiosis
H.T. is based on being awake in every situation, evaluating what’s really going on, by having access to that gut feeling we have (the YEAH or ICK factors) when we’re emotionally clear enough to tell when someone / thing is suitable or unsuitable specifically for us, OR when they are objectively harmful, neutral or beneficial

NOTE: This is opposite to that ACoA addictive high feeling we get from being with someone whose damage fits ours hand-in-glove, someone enough like our abusive family that we’re sure we found our soul mate! 
This lala trance state means we’re in fantasy, headed for disappointment & danger, because the high is hiding our Longing for an idealized mommy, our FoA & lack of Boundaries.

Trust CHARACTERISTICS (using T.E.A.) All 3 must be prescompetenceent, to some degree, for optimum trust to exist – whether referring to personal or business relationships

1. Competence / Results / Ability

Mental: The capacity to evaluate & discriminate among various “people, places & things” to identify which are to be trusted, to what extent, & in what arenas. It’s “Reading reality truthfully in order to respond responsibly.”

Practical: The demonstrated ability to get results – a combination of practical knowledge & adaptable to circumstances, allowing a person or group to deliver on promises

2. Character / Integrity / Valuesintegrity-
Mental: When a person or group is clear about their beliefs, attitudes, feelings & perceptions, without accepting what other people project on to them. They know that self-understanding & development are important, observing how their values are expressed in every-day life

The internal agreement between their values & actions, which make them reliable & therefore trustworthy. When things don’t go well they acknowledge & explain what happened, taking responsibility for their part, & work positively to improve outcomes

3. Compassion / Concern / Benevolencedoctor
• An awareness of one’s connection to & inter-dependence with others, which inspires agreement & caring actions from others
• Based on genuine valuing & respect for others. The emotional investment in people enables them to reciprocate, not out of obligation, but from appreciation & gratitude

• The extent to which a person has the best interests of another in mind, which is not ego-driven or primarily profit-oriented
• Includes a high level of empathy, which shows up as genuine caring for & help toward a person or group

• accept us for who we are – rather than what we sound like, how we look,  or what we do or have
• affirm & encourage us in troubled times  (VS. ignore or criticize)
• appreciate our personal talents as well as accept our limitations
• balance the good they see in us against our mistakes & flaws

• confrontgood listener us directly when they need to, in a loving, sympathetic way (not shaming or being insensitive)
• listen to us with compassion, when we need to vent (not try to fix / solve our problems)
• respect our choice of friends, activities, & spirituality (neither object nor automatically agree with)

• respect our needs, opinions, habits, and beliefs – equally with their own – even if they conflict
• respect our limits & boundaries, including times when we need privacy or solitude  (not seen as a rejection)
• understand & empathize with us, within their limits

NEXT: Healthy Trust (Part 4)

One thought on “HEALTHY TRUSTING (Part 3)

  1. Totally awesome information. I’m always grateful to you for it. I especially needed the “healthy internal responses” information. It’s good stuff.


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