the better my discernment

PREVIOUS: Healthy Trust (#2)


Trust CHARACTERISTICS (using T.E.A.) All 3 must be prescompetenceent, to some degree, for optimum trust to exist – whether referring to personal or business relationships

1. Competence / Results / Ability

Mental: The conscious ability to evaluate & discriminate among various “people, places & things” in order to identify which ones are to be trusted, to what extent, & in what arenas. Quote : “Reading reality truthfully in order to respond responsibly.”

Practical: The demonstrated ability to get results – a combination of practical knowledge ➕ adapting to circumstances, allowing a person or group to deliver on promises

2. Character / Integrity / Valuesintegrity-
Mental: This is when a person or group is clear about their beliefs, attitudes, feelings & perceptions, without accepting what other people project on to them. They know that self-understanding & development are important, tracking how they express their values in every-day life

The internal agreement between their values & actions make them reliable & therefore trustworthy. When things don’t go well they acknowledge & figure out what happened, taking responsibility for their part – without S-H, & work positively to improve future outcomes

3. Compassion / Concern / Benevolencedoctor
• Being aware of one’s connection to & inter-dependence with others, which inspires agreement & caring actions
• It’s based on genuinely valuing & respecting others. The emotional investment in people allows them to reciprocate, not out of obligation, but from appreciation & gratitude

• The extent to which a person has the best interests of another in mind, which is not ego-driven or primarily profit-oriented
• Includes a high level of empathy, which shows up as genuine caring for & help toward a person or group

H.T. is knowing who & what can be relied on – or not. Legitimate trust comes in large part from experience, so it’s imperative for ACoAs to not jump too easily or quickly into new situation or with new people
H.T. allows us & others to be human – with weaknesses & strengths, while having a generally favorable outlook on life

. assumes things usually work out, but can also deal with frustration, delay & loss without falling apart –  because we won’t automatically react from FoA
H.T. allows us to ‘trust the process’ of life, participating in an activity (like Recovery or learning a skill) without knowing the outcome, since we can’t predict the future, no matter how much we wish we could

. takes time to develop. ‘Instant trust’ is a symptom of symbiosis &/or being in fantasy
H.T. is based on being awake in every situation, evaluating what’s really going on, by having access to our gut feelings (the YEAH or ICK factors). It’s when we’re emotionally clear enough to tell when someone / thing is suitable or unsuitable specifically for us, OR when they are objectively harmful, neutral or beneficial

NOTE: This is opposite to that ACoA addictive ‘high’ we get from being with someone whose damage fits ours hand-in-glove, someone enough like our abusive family that we’re sure we found our soul mate! 
This lala trance-state comes from the WIC, heading us to disappointment & danger, because the high hides our FoA, lack of Boundaries, & ultimately our Longing for an idealized mommy

• accept us for who we are – rather than what we sound like, how we look, what we do or have
• affirm & encourage us in troubled times  (VS. ignore or criticize)
• appreciate our personal talents as well as accept our limitations
• balance the good they see in us against our mistakes & flaws

• confront us directly when they need to, in a loving, sympathetic way (not shaming or being insensitive)
• listen to us with compassion, when we need to vent (not try to fix / solve our problems)
• respect our choice of friends, activities, & spirituality (neither object nor automatically agree with)

• respect our needs, opinions, habits, and beliefs – equally with their own – even if they conflict
• respect our limits & boundaries, including times when we need privacy or solitude  (not seen as a rejection)
• understand & empathize with us, within their capacity.

NEXT: Healthy Trust (Part 4)

One thought on “HEALTHY TRUSTING (Part 3)

  1. Totally awesome information. I’m always grateful to you for it. I especially needed the “healthy internal responses” information. It’s good stuff.


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