the better my discernment

PREVIOUS: Healthy Trust (#2)




H.T. is knowing who & what can be relied on – or not. Legitimate trust comes in large part from experience, so it’s imperative for ACoAs to not jump in too easily or quickly into new situation or with new people
H.T. allows us & others to be human – with weaknesses & strengths, while having a generally favorable outlook on life

. assumes things usually work out, but able to deal with frustration, delay & loss without falling apart –  because we won’t automatically react from FoA
H.T. allows us to ‘trust the process’ of life, participating in an activity (like Recovery or learning a skill) without knowing the outcome, since we can’t predict the future, no matter how much we wish it

. takes time to develop. ‘Instant trust’ is a symptom of symbiosis
H.T. is based on being awake in every situation, evaluating what’s really going on, by having access to that gut feeling we have (the YEAH or ICK factors) when we’re emotionally clear enough to tell when someone / thing is suitable or unsuitable specifically for us, OR when they are objectively harmful, neutral or beneficial

NOTE: This is opposite to that ACoA addictive high feeling we get from being with someone whose damage fits ours hand-in-glove, someone enough like our abusive family that we’re sure we found our soul mate! 
This lala trance state means we’re in fantasy, headed for disappointment & danger, because the high is hiding our Longing for an idealized mommy, our FoA & lack of Boundaries.

Trust CHARACTERISTICS (using T.E.A.) All 3 must be prescompetenceent, to some degree, for optimum trust to exist – whether referring to personal or business relationships

1. Competence / Results / Ability

Mental: The capacity to evaluate & discriminate among various “people, places & things” to identify which are to be trusted, to what extent, & in what arenas. It’s “Reading reality truthfully in order to respond responsibly.”

Practical: The demonstrated ability to get results – a combination of practical knowledge & adaptable to circumstances, allowing a person or group to deliver on promises

2. Character / Integrity / Valuesintegrity-
Mental: When a person or group is clear about their beliefs, attitudes, feelings & perceptions, without accepting what other people project on to them. They know that self-understanding & development are important, observing how their values are expressed in every-day life

The internal agreement between their values & actions, which make them reliable & therefore trustworthy. When things don’t go well they acknowledge & explain what happened, taking responsibility for their part, & work positively to improve outcomes

3. Compassion / Concern / Benevolencedoctor
• An awareness of one’s connection to & inter-dependence with others, which inspires agreement & caring actions from others
• Based on genuine valuing & respect for others. The emotional investment in people enables them to reciprocate, not out of obligation, but from appreciation & gratitude

• The extent to which a person has the best interests of another in mind, which is not ego-driven or primarily profit-oriented
• Includes a high level of empathy, which shows up as genuine caring for & help toward a person or group

• accept us for who we are – rather than what we sound like, how we look,  or what we do or have
• affirm & encourage us in troubled times  (VS. ignore or criticize)
• appreciate our personal talents as well as accept our limitations
• balance the good they see in us against our mistakes & flaws

• confrontgood listener us directly when they need to, in a loving, sympathetic way (not shaming or being insensitive)
• listen to us with compassion, when we need to vent (not try to fix / solve our problems)
• respect our choice of friends, activities, & spirituality (neither object nor automatically agree with)

• respect our needs, opinions, habits, and beliefs – equally with their own – even if they conflict
• respect our limits & boundaries, including times when we need privacy or solitude  (not seen as a rejection)
• understand & empathize with us, within their limits

NEXT: Healthy Trust (Part 4)

UNIT: Healthy Adult/Parent (Part 2)

My Inner Children need me to talk to them!

PREVIOUS: Healthy Adult & Loving Parent #1

POSTs: Why resist talking to the Child?
Bookending with the IC


See Part 1 for acronyms in these posts

♥  INNER DIALOGUES – Intro  (Examples in Part 3)
❀  Everyone’s INNER CHILD is made up of the combined emotions, experiences, memories & thoughts from childhood. It is:
• every age & developmental stage we’re lived thru
• our interactions with family, school, friends, religion…
• our version (conscious interpretation/ ‘understanding’) of all the people who were important to us, good or bad
• what we picked up from them subliminally.  Kids are very intuitiveego states

Depending on the content of a voice, we’re hearing from:
❧ a good parent or a bad inner parent
❧ a healthy child or a wounded inner child
❧ a sane adult or a fake inner adult

The 1st in each ego state are soothing, informative, helpful, humorous, even spiritual

The 2nd in each ES will cause us great pain, a feeling of hopelessness or futility….. & some of those voices are louder, carry more weight, are meaner….than others

NEW UNIT (HA + LP) needs to interact with both the NC & the WC.
TO learn how:
• Get IC dialogue-writing books, & practice until it becomes natural
• Watch kind, loving real-life or TV parents talking to their children  (especially when the kids mess up!)
• Visualize holding your WIC & NC – what do they need & want to hear? what would you have liked your parents to say to you?
✶  Make sure to leave time for the kid to answer, comment, feel, react… It’s not a dialogue if you do all the talking!relaxing

Helpful prerequisites  :
• Less Self-Hate & less attachment to the Bad Voice (PP)
• Willing to take time & effort to learn this new language
• Done enough inventories to know your WIC’s issues
• Know quite a bit about all your good qualities
• Less anxiety – to be able to sit quietly & communicate
• Maybe have done ‘morning pages’, prayer, meditation….
• Lot & lots of patience – the kid may not respond right away

👂🏾🦻🏼WHY you may not ‘hear’ the IC 🦻🏼
1. Being ‘kid whipped’!
a. you’re ALL kid.  Without the ‘UNIT’ present there is no dialogue. That can be changed. The child E.S. is a separate entity, should not be in charge.  A therapist once said: “You have a child, you are not a child!”
• Visualize the IC sitting outside of yourself – in your lap, on the bed or floor, hiding behind a chair or curtain…. but always there, waiting

b. the IC is too young to talk.  Depending on what IC age is being triggered by a current situation, you may feel your pre-verbal infant self – with lots of emotions but no words

c. the WIC doesn’t trust you.
If you’ve been unavailable altogether, or inconsistent, only talking AT the kid,  sounding like the bad parent…. the kid isn’t going to respond!
EXP: “Hi little one, how do you feel?”  >> “What do you care?”

d. the IC is old enough to talk but doesn’t know how to express what’s going on with it yet – doesn’t have the right words for things it’s feeling, isn’t developed enough to think abstractly, isn’t allowed to say what it feels or needs…. EXP: “ Hi, what’s bothering you?” >> “I don’t know”.
Bill Cosby said that’s how his younger kids always responded when asked why they’d done something ‘bad’

e. The older WIC – maybe 13-18 – is angry if you’ve been ignoring him/her, especially if you’ve already been talking to the younger ones. You may get an image of it with its back turned to you, crossed arms, pouting….

The teen needs just as much attention, but of a different kind = more practical, included in decisions, being asked its opinion. This ES often hold knowledge & wisdom we’re not even aware of – until we connect.
BUT also – there are still many things our teen Self doesn’t understand, so it needs validation of its painful experiences, AND talked to with respect

NEXT: Healthy Adult/ Loving Parent – #3


against the NI 

to defend my WIC from the NI / PP!

PREVIOUS :  Introject (Part 3)

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

To HEAL & GROW – the
TWO major goals are :
1.  Develop a strong, clear voice of our own, that we can follow – to be comfortable & even successful, in all parts of our life
2.  Form a POSITIVE INTROJECT, developed from healthy external sources. The idea is to ‘take in’ a new way of seeing ourself that’s emotionally self-sustaining, rather than endlessly dependent on others to feel OK.

Ways to disconnect from the Negative Introject (PigP) by developing our own identity (S & I) with help:
• actively practice disobeying the Toxic RULES
• believe in our Right to have needs, opinions & dreams
• clearly identify what the PigP is telling us & then counter it
• continually work at diminishing S-H by admitting original pain
listen careful• develop strong boundaries with others, rather than walls, especially with anyone who treats us like our family
• get external acknowledgement & then continue internal validation of what we went thru as kids & still put up in the present, so that the PigP can’t fool us any more
• gradually separate the WIC’s dependence on the PigP & transfer it’s loyalty to our developing UNIT by always being the Good Parent
• have the courage to say NO to unhealthy & unsuitable people
• learn what our own healthy, intuitive, inborn voice is saying, & then listen to -and- act on that instead
• thoroughly ‘get’ that the PigP abusive & therefore harmful
• use that validation to be in touch with our pain, rage & sorrow at the original abuse, so we’re not wasting energy in denial

Distancing from the PigP
• We can tell it move aside, leave our Inner Child alone, shut up in there!…. OR
• We can try to sooth the bad voice by validating it’s pain / fear… and telling it we understand its pain, that it will not be harmed by anything positive we’re doing for ourselves, BUT never agreeing inner childwith it
• don’t respond at all – ignore it.  Talk to the WIC instead, soothing & comforting it. The better your connection with the kid, the less power the PigP will have.
The PigP will try to fight for its life, but with consistent self care, eventually it’ll get quieter & fade, even if it’s still in the far background
IF WE – tried to protect one parent from the other, because the victim one was too weak to stand up for themself; OR if one parents left, or died
Then we became the replacement punching bag, or spouse-substitute, or tried protecting them by magical thinking….

IF WE – took on a depressed parent’s suicidal feelings (even if they never acted on them directly)
Then we became suicidal, from love and a child’s magical belief inner workingsthat we could then keep them alive…

In RECOVERY – we can gradually shed as much family damage as we’re able. Once we identify what’s our damage & what’s theirs, we can say daily affirmations, do visualizations t& disagree with the bad voice.

IF we’re still attached to an old family role & reproduce it in current relationships
NOW we can give our parents back to each other. It was THEIR relationship, their marriage, their loss… SAY: “Dad / Mom, You’re not my mate. I give you back to him/her to deal with. I have my own life to live & it was never my job.”

IF we’re still attracted to physically, mentally, emotionally & spiritually dangerous people or situations unsuitable to growth
NOW we can give them back the responsibility for their own life, so we don’t have to act on their wish to escape. We don’t have to kill ourselves. PACK UP what’s theirs. Then mentally go up to each person & return it – lay the box or bag at their feet AND walk away!

It’s appropriate to ABSORB all kinds of positive feedback from outside sources – accurate, intelligent, patient, positive, realistic, supportive, validating, & spiritual.
Healthy mirroring & guidance can be FROM :
• a loving family member, if there is one
• any appropriate 12-step Program, rehab, workshops…
• a knowledgeable psychotherapist, & perhaps a group therapy
free inner child• helpful books & literature (psychological & spiritual)
• our Higher Power, spiritual or religious teachers/ leaders, if suitable
• successful well-known people, as role models & inspiration
• craneo-sacral & other knowledgeable body workers, nutritionist…
• good friends, a supportive mate, caring adult-children AND pets
• business partners, clients, acquaintances – anyone who values your abilities ….

Remember to calm your WIC when it gets overwhelmed by how much there is to sort out in Recovery. Like with any new skill – it takes knowledge, guidance, time & practice.

NEXT: Notice re. book version of blog