healthy trust

HEALTHY TRUSTING (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

 THE MORE I TRUST MY JUDGMENT
the better my discernment

PREVIOUS: Healthy Trust (#2)

 

♟️ Trust CHARACTERISTICS (using T.E.A.)
All 3 must be present, to some degree, for optimum trust to exist – whether in personal or business relationships

competence1. Competence / Results / Ability
Mental: The conscious ability to evaluate & discriminate among various “people, places & things” in order to identify which ones are to be trusted, to what extent, & in what arenas. Quote : We need to “Read reality truthfully in order to respond responsibly.”

Practical: To demonstrate the ability to get results – combine practical knowledge ➕ adapt to circumstances – which allows a person or group to deliver on promises

2. Character / Integrity / Valuesintegrity-
Mental: When a person or group is clear about their beliefs, attitudes, feelings & perceptions, without accepting what other people project on to them. They know that self-understanding & development are important, tracking how they express their values in every-day life

Practical: The internal agreement between a person’s values & actions make them reliable & therefore trustworthy. When things don’t go well they acknowledge & figure out what happened, taking responsibility for their part – without S-H, & work positively to improve future outcomes

3. Compassion / Concern / Benevolencedoctor
• Being aware of one’s connection to & inter-dependence with others, which inspires agreement & caring actions
• Genuinely valuing & respecting others. The emotional investment in people allows them to reciprocate, not out of obligation, but from appreciation & gratitude

• The extent to which a person has the best interests of another in mind, which is not ego-driven or primarily profit-oriented
• Includes a high level of empathy, which shows up as genuine caring for & help toward a person or group

HEALTHY TRUST (H.T.)
H.T. is knowing who & what can be relied on – or not. Legitimate trust comes in large part from experience, so it’s imperative for ACoAs to not jump too easily or quickly into new situation or with new people
H.T. allows us & others to be human – with weaknesses & strengths, while having a generally favorable outlook on life

H.T. assumes things usually work out, but can also deal with frustration, delay & loss without falling apart –  not automatically reacting from FoA
H.T. allows us to ‘trust the process’ of life, participating in an activity (like Recovery or learning a skill) without knowing the outcome, since we can’t predict the future, no matter how much we wish we could

H.T. takes time to develop. ‘Instant trust’ is a symptom of symbiosis &/or being in fantasy
H.T. means being awake in every situation, & evaluating what’s really going on, by having access to our gut feelings (the YEAH or ICK factors). It’s when we’re emotionally clear enough to tell when someone / thing is suitable or unsuitable specifically for us, OR when they are objectively harmful, neutral or beneficial

NOTE: This is opposite to that ACoA addictive ‘high’ we get from being with someone whose damage fits ours hand-in-glove, someone enough like our abusive family that we’re sure we found our soul mate! 
Yuck!
This lala trance-state comes from the WIC, heading to disappointment & danger, because the high hides our FoA, lack of Boundaries, & ultimately our Longing for an idealized mommy

TRUSTWORTHY People WILL :
• accept us for who we are – rather than what they wish we were,  AND not for what we sound like, how we look, what we do or have
• affirm & encourage us in troubled times  (vs. ignore or criticize)
• appreciate our personal talents as well as accept our limitations

• balance the good they see in us against our mistakes & flaws
• confront us directly when they need to, in a loving, sympathetic way (not shaming or  insensitive)
• listen to us with compassion, when we need to vent (not trying to fix / solve our problems)

• respect our choice of friends, activities, & spirituality (neither object nor automatically agree with)
• respect our needs, opinions, habits, and beliefs – equally with their own – even if they conflict
• respect our limits & boundaries, including times when we need privacy or solitude  (not taken as a rejection)
• understand & empathize with us, within their capacity.

NEXT: Healthy Trust (Part 4)

HEALTHY TRUSTING (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , , , ,

TRUST

TRUSTING MY JUDGEMENT  
needs a realistic basis!

PREVIOUS: Healthy Trust (#2)

SITE: re. Trust issues, brief Questionnaire


♟️ High Trust relationship are built on : Authenticity, Consistency, Empathy, Integrity & Transparency.   (SITE “Cultivating Trust…..“)

♟️ DIMENSIONS : Main components of Trust
🔑 Assumed = It’s time dependent, built one action at a time. The more consistent your behavior, the more likely others are going to assume you’ll act the same way again.
🔑 Associative = Others will trust you based on the stories they’re heard / read about you, so you have the least influence or control over this aspect
OR – how you gauge your trust-level is based on preconceived stereotypes you may have (gender, race, wealth….)
OR – how similar or different someone is to you (comfort level familiarity)
🔑 Vulnerable = the fastest path to building trust with someone else is when both people… express vulnerability – the act of exposing oneself to possible harm, rejection, or scrutiny – in an effort to connect beyond a surface level relationship.

♟️ ASPECTS
🔆 Delayed Reciprocity – to create trust use the Golden Rule: ‘Do unto others as you would have them do unto you’. If I do something for you now, I trust (hope, expect) that it will be repaid / returned, in some unspecified way at some unspecified time in the future.

🔆 Exposevulnerabled Vulnerability – in a trust arrangement you may be leaving yourself open to being taken advantage of.  The threat of pay-back from someone or feeling guilty about asking may curb the temptation to exposed your ‘soft side’. We’re looking for fairness. So I feel that “for things to work between us successfully, I need to be able to trust that you won’t make me (or yourself) suffer”.

🔆 Predictability – it’s normal for people to make forecasts, trying to figure out what others will do or what will happen, for ourself personally & in the world in general. We want to spot & prepare for threats, as well as make plans to achieve longer-term goals.  The point of greatest unpredictability is at 50%, so a reliable enemy is ‘safer’ than an unpredictable friend – at least we know where we stand with them.

🔆 Value Exchange – Most transactions in life are based on reciprocity, which works because we each Screen Shot 2015-09-20 at 9.27.35 PMvalue things differently. You need food & have a skill, I have money & need a job done…..  Trust in value-exchange occurs when you don’t know very much (or at all) about them, their intention or what they’re actually going to provide. AND you don’t know exactly if what you’re getting is what you asked for & expected.

HEALTHY – You are trustworthy if YOU :
♦︎ keep other people’s confidential information, secrets & vulnerabilities private (exception = when it’s dangerous to others or illegal)
♦︎ regularly follow through on your commitments & show up when / where you say you will be
♦︎ own your mistakes, offer genuine apologies, & then make amends
♦︎ set clear limits & respect those of others
♦︎ when appropriate, show empathy & provide support without harsh judgment

RECOVERY re. “UNDER-Trusting” post – Consider these positive internal responses in relation those who —
• are mean to us: Develop the ability & skill to stand up to them when appropriate & not a danger, or stay away from them altogether

• ignore us: Teach the WIC that no one can make us invisible! Some can see us & some cannot – it’s not a reflection on us (pun intended)!  When we cover o a True Self we are visible to ourself & to those who have ‘eyes’, knowing that we can’t make “blind people see colors!” Everyone else is only a potential connection, but not a necessary one

• do have good boundaries: It’s not their job to rescue or parent us. The distress that gets triggered by their responses to us is from our old wounds, not their behavior. This pain needs to be owned & dealt with in Program, therapy & our spiritual practice.
🙂 And we can learn from these healthier people to develop our own limits & self-care.  The ideal goal is to surround ourself with people who are genuinely trustworthy that will create a safe present & an even better future.

NEXT: Healthy Trust #3

HEALTHY TRUSTING (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , , , ,

catching myself

PREVIOUS: Patterns of Mistrust #2

 

“TRUST” comes from the German word “trost” meaning ‘consolation’, which implies feeling comfortable. In this context it’s relevant to remember that ACoAs almost never felt comforted growing up.
It’s one reason we were never able to trust! And now, as adults, we don’t realize how much we still need to be comforted, so we’re ashamed when we feel vulnerable, needy & ‘feeling sorry’ for ourselves

✶ Genuine trust is first & ultimately foremost about being able to trust ONESELF, a quality we cultivate via our True inner Voice. As an adult, it’s trusting your own judgement, knowing from experience & mindfulness that you will get what you’ve asked for – rather than being afraid & hesitantthumbsUp

A major factor for trusting others IS picking the right person, location, opportunity… that suits us & is do-able, staying away from those that are not.
While there’s a certain level of risk because people & life can be unpredictable, if we’re emotionally balanced, it’s possible to be confident enough to handle setbacks & disappointments

• ACoAs need & want safety above all else – even more than love – neither of which our parents provided enough of, so we believe we’re not entitled to it
• But we can’t feel safe if we can’t trust. AND we can’t trust as long as we’re flooded with Self-Hate! The Al-Anon preamble says “…..we will love you until you can love yourself”.

Healthy trust is not about who or what others are. This is hard for ACoAs to internalize because of co-dependence & S-H.  ACoAs need to find people & / or groups that are safe enough to help us heal so we can become kind to ourselves (via the Loving Parent) & trust that “I know what I know!” (via the Healthy Adult)

• Assumption: ACoAs usually think of trust only in the  POSITIVE – ‘I can rely on X…… I can expect Y to…..’, which is true but only unrealiablehalf the story, & encourages Over-Trusting

HOWEVER
• Balance: Healthy Trust also includes knowing who & what is NOT reliable. The characteristics & patterns of Damage are just as predictable & consistent as those of Health, but will only cause problems.

• We can trust that a specific person will continually abuse or disappoint us, based on their consistent pattern of behavior (patent, ‘friend’…)
• We can trust that a specific location will usually be unsuitable or dangerous (bars, some neighborhoods….)
• We can trust that a type of event is the wrong one for us……

Once we know what to look for we can see it all around us, & depend on the outcome to be harmful or just a waste of time – without having to be hit over the head each time!

EXP: If you’re not paying attention when you go into a room & sit down on the first chair that looks comfortable – you may be shocked & maybe injured if it collapses & you land on your butt – because you assumed all chairs are equally well made & sturdy

🍋 Yet that’s what ACoAs often do with people & situations – we don’t pay attention or evaluate who or what we’re getting involved with.  Many times we accept friends lovers, jobs, pets, invitations, apartments …. without asking: “What do I want? Is this something I’m interested in? Does this suit my needs or fit my personality?
AND: “What is this person/place telling we about themself?”

TRUST (T) is valid when:
• we’re clear about the ‘rules’ of T – rather than being in fantasy
• the prerequisites for T exist – we’ve done some due-diligence
• we assess who or what does NOT warrant our T – so we don’t waste time & energy on them
fia-color• we experience a positive outcome from trusting the right person or info (feel calmer or relieved / get the introduction we heard about / receive the  promised money / enjoy a shared experience ….)
EXP:  Faith – the trust-er believes that their chosen path is pre-ordained by a Higher Force, so whatever happens is fated & therefore welcomed. This removes a great deal of worry about the outcome of faith-based decisions will be, whether successful & joyful or unpleasant & tragic.

NEXT: Healthy Trust (Part 2)