healthy people

HEALTHY TRUSTING (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , , , ,

TRUST

TRUSTING MY JUDGEMENT  
needs a realistic basis!

PREVIOUS: Healthy Trust (#2)

SITE: re. Trust issues, brief Questionnaire


♟️ High Trust relationship are built on : Authenticity, Consistency, Empathy, Integrity & Transparency.   (SITE “Cultivating Trust…..“)

♟️ DIMENSIONS : Main components of Trust
🔑 Assumed = It’s time dependent, built one action at a time. The more consistent your behavior, the more likely others are going to assume you’ll act the same way again.
🔑 Associative = Others will trust you based on the stories they’re heard / read about you, so you have the least influence or control over this aspect
OR – how you gauge your trust-level is based on preconceived stereotypes you may have (gender, race, wealth….)
OR – how similar or different someone is to you (comfort level familiarity)
🔑 Vulnerable = the fastest path to building trust with someone else is when both people… express vulnerability – the act of exposing oneself to possible harm, rejection, or scrutiny – in an effort to connect beyond a surface level relationship.

♟️ ASPECTS
🔆 Delayed Reciprocity – to create trust use the Golden Rule: ‘Do unto others as you would have them do unto you’. If I do something for you now, I trust (hope, expect) that it will be repaid / returned, in some unspecified way at some unspecified time in the future.

🔆 Exposevulnerabled Vulnerability – in a trust arrangement you may be leaving yourself open to being taken advantage of.  The threat of pay-back from someone or feeling guilty about asking may curb the temptation to exposed your ‘soft side’. We’re looking for fairness. So I feel that “for things to work between us successfully, I need to be able to trust that you won’t make me (or yourself) suffer”.

🔆 Predictability – it’s normal for people to make forecasts, trying to figure out what others will do or what will happen, for ourself personally & in the world in general. We want to spot & prepare for threats, as well as make plans to achieve longer-term goals.  The point of greatest unpredictability is at 50%, so a reliable enemy is ‘safer’ than an unpredictable friend – at least we know where we stand with them.

🔆 Value Exchange – Most transactions in life are based on reciprocity, which works because we each Screen Shot 2015-09-20 at 9.27.35 PMvalue things differently. You need food & have a skill, I have money & need a job done…..  Trust in value-exchange occurs when you don’t know very much (or at all) about them, their intention or what they’re actually going to provide. AND you don’t know exactly if what you’re getting is what you asked for & expected.

HEALTHY – You are trustworthy if YOU :
♦︎ keep other people’s confidential information, secrets & vulnerabilities private (exception = when it’s dangerous to others or illegal)
♦︎ regularly follow through on your commitments & show up when / where you say you will be
♦︎ own your mistakes, offer genuine apologies, & then make amends
♦︎ set clear limits & respect those of others
♦︎ when appropriate, show empathy & provide support without harsh judgment

RECOVERY re. “UNDER-Trusting” post – Consider these positive internal responses in relation those who —
• are mean to us: Develop the ability & skill to stand up to them when appropriate & not a danger, or stay away from them altogether

• ignore us: Teach the WIC that no one can make us invisible! Some can see us & some cannot – it’s not a reflection on us (pun intended)!  When we cover o a True Self we are visible to ourself & to those who have ‘eyes’, knowing that we can’t make “blind people see colors!” Everyone else is only a potential connection, but not a necessary one

• do have good boundaries: It’s not their job to rescue or parent us. The distress that gets triggered by their responses to us is from our old wounds, not their behavior. This pain needs to be owned & dealt with in Program, therapy & our spiritual practice.
🙂 And we can learn from these healthier people to develop our own limits & self-care.  The ideal goal is to surround ourself with people who are genuinely trustworthy that will create a safe present & an even better future.

NEXT: Healthy Trust #3

ACoAs – Healthy GIVE & TAKE (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

reciprocity
THE MORE I KNOW ABOUT MYSELF
the more I can enjoy what I’m offered

PREVIOUS: Give & Take (#1)

 

WHAT TO TAKE from others – or NOT

👎🏽 Saying ‘NO’ requires that we know enough about ourselves & our rights – to make the best choices.
In some cases it also depends on who’s offering & why. If the giver is a relative, a boss or important client, taking the gift may be the kindest, or wisest thing to do, regardless of our taste. We can always regift

But if it’s close family or friends who are supposed to know who we are – & they insist on giving us things that are clearly not appropriate or suited to us – it’s legitimate to say “No thank you!”

EXP: Paula & Sharon were BFFs who lived in adjacent buildings & spent a lot of time in each other’s place. Paula was ‘earthy’ & preferred antiques, while Sharon liked everything bright, shiny & new. For their B/days (one day apart) they exchanged lovely gift BUT Paula always gave Sharon things that were her taste & totally NOT Sharon’s.

After a few years of this Sharon finally spoke up, asking to be considered accurately. The following gift again did not fit Sharon clothes or decor, so with regret, she gave the gift back!
PS. Years later Sharon developed another close friendship, also an ACoA, who admitted not knowing how to give appropriate gifts. They solved it by exchanging a short list of what each would like, to choose from. It worked great.accept good

Say YES to:
• complements about anything – looks, skills, style, accomplishments, knowledge, talents,  creativity
• freely given generosity – of money, help, provisions, short-term free services, lending something you need
•  kindness, respect, positive attention, appreciation….. any time
• offers of aid when you most need it
• new ideas, suggestions, other people’s experiences we can learn from
• something frivolous & fun – just because!

CONSIDER: Rejecting someone’s good-faith offers of time, kind words or small objects – is a way to dismiss the person as unimportant, & can un-necessarily hurt their feelings. It implies that what they’re not good enough for you

EXP: In early Recovery Sean was reminded to appreciate whenever he was complemented, rather than negate it by explaining at length why he didn’t deserve the acknowledgement. His sponsor said: “It’s insulting to the person who is giving you a gift, by throwing it back in their face. Just say ‘thank you’ & then zip the lip.”
He remembered thinking: “OK, I’ll just say thank you, but privately I don’t have to agree!”  Oh well, Progress – not Perfection! Eventually he was able to appreciate genuine praise.

HEALTHY RECIPROCITY
IMP: Being reciprocal means that we are supposed to receive something in return for our efforts – it can be a Thank You, a smile, a vacation or even a house! It means we ‘allow’ others to give to us in return for something positive we have done (once or regularly) – OR just because they like us! Can you imagine?

Being able to receive is a normal part of life. This is hard for many ACoAs to believe & grasp – if we’ve been blindly obeying Toxic Rules such as “Only other people’s needs count”. Do-ing for others is all we know & taking anything makes us feel guilty! Because we don’t feel worthy of anything good, we’re not comfortable receiving – even when it’s done freely & with pleasure.

Beneficial EXCHANGES of any kind DEPEND ON:
know thyselfa. Knowing our needs. Directly or indirectly, we were taught to ignore & deny them. So now – how can we know what to take & what to reject, if we can’t tell what’s good for us or what we need?
TOXIC rules: “No one wants to help me, nor ever will” , “I should never be comforted when in pain”….(Post : Our Rights)

b. Trusting ourselves. We learned that we could never believe our own thoughts, experiences, emotions, good judgement or intuition!
They told us everything we felt was wrong, stupid or the opposite! So now – how can we identify what feels right for us or not?
TOXIC Rules: “It’s weak & dangerous to have needs, ask for help, have our emotions”

NEXT: Give & Take (#3)

WHAT JUST HAPPENED? – Intro (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

caught in their mess

 

I KEEP GETTING CAUGHT UP
in these messes with people!

PREVIOUS: “What just happened” (#1)

 

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

 

PURPOSE of the INVENTORY (in Part 4)Screen Shot 2016-06-19 at 5.32.57 AM
We can use the Qs to strengthen our HEALTHY ADULT to be more in charge in the future, whatever the circumstances.
We can LEARN about:
1. OURSELVES – strengths, weaknesses, style, beliefs, needs, wishes…
a. conscious parts we ignore, don’t accept or deal with, parts we’re working on, need to pay more attention to, are OK with…
b. aspects that are hidden in the shadows which ‘force’ us to act out old fears & beliefs AND prevent us from shining our inner light

2. WHAT to expect – so we’re not shocked & reactive, every time.
ACoAs have a built-in ‘forgetter’ after experiencing a run-in with painful people & situations which mirror of our childhood trauma
a. In the present we bury the knowledge we could have gained from this encounter, & are then “taken by Screen Shot 2016-06-19 at 5.27.10 AMsurprise” for the umpteenth time when dealing with the same situation – again! as if it had never happened before

b. Even when encountering an unpleasant stranger, the interchange with them is often similar to others of that type, but we’re still surprised, not able to assert ourselves, shocked into muteness… OR over-react from the WIC’s old rage.

INTERCHANGES that hurt — 
a. but are not even remotely about us
EXP: Mona is an acupuncturist & is at a banquet honoring a prominent friend of hers. She starts talking to a man at her table & eventually they exchange business cards. He’s relatively friendly at first, but looking at her card, he becomes quite hostile, bad-mouthing her profession. She’s shocked & hurt.

Excusing herself, Mona moves to a distant table. After mulling it over for a while she goes back & asks him “What just happened?”. Slightly calmer, he tells about a very bad experience the only time he ever went to get acupuncture – when he almost became paralyzed from a cramp in his back & could hardly breathe. He didn’t apologize, but Mona was satisfied.

b. occur when we accidentally step on someone toes
EXP: Sandi gives Joe a CD of Edith Piaf for his B/day, knowing how much he loves her Screen Shot 2016-06-19 at 5.53.00 AMmusic. He’s thrilled & puts it on speaker. Sandi ‘hates’ Piaf (which he doesn’t know) & asks him to play it later. He wants to know why & she admits Piaf doesn’t suit her.

He feels hurt – as if it’s as an attack on his taste (taking things personally & being ‘over-sensitive’). Then he gets angry & attacks her for being insensitive & having no taste in music!
Sandi explains that Piaf’s voice & music are too painful to listen to, which has nothing to do with him or his taste! This only moderately mollifies him.

c. are actually meant as a positive, but are said ‘wrong’Screen Shot 2016-06-19 at 5.42.57 AM
EXP: While visiting a friend, Pat mentioned that she goes to her dentist on Sundays, since he didn’t work on the Sabbath. Her friend said “Only you could have found a dentist to see on Sundays!”  Pat was hurt & angry, but didn’t say anything for a week. It reminded her of being teased at home & in school.

After going thru the 30 Qs (Part 4), she called her friend. “Bobby, remember what you said last week about my dentist?”
-pause- “No”.
“You said…. & what I heard was that you were making fun of me, like – I’m so weird…”
-pause- “No, what I was saying was that I admired you for your cleverness…”
-pause-  “OH!. Well, thanks. But it would have been clearer if you’d said that!”

NEXT: “What Just Happened?” #3