I HAVE THE POWER, ALREADY –
to defend my WIC from the NI / PP!
PREVIOUS : Introject – Bad Voice (Part 3)
See ACRONYM page for abbrev.
To HEAL & GROW – the TWO major goals are :
1. Develop a strong, clear voice of our own, that we can follow – to be comfortable & even successful, in all parts of our life
2. Form a POSITIVE INTROJECT, developed from healthy external sources.
The idea is to ‘take in’ a new way of seeing ourselves that is emotionally self-sustaining, rather than being endlessly dependent on others to feel OK.
We can disconnect from the Negative Introject (PP) by developing our own identity (S & I) with help:
• get external acknowledgement & then continue internal validation of what we went thru as kids & still put up in the present, so that the PP can’t fool us any more
• use that validation to be in touch with our pain, rage & sorrow at the original abuse, so we’re not wasting energy in denial
• continually work at diminishing S-H
• believe in our Right to have needs, opinions & dreams
• clearly identify what the PP is telling us & then counter it
• thoroughly ‘get’ that the PP abusive & therefore harmful
• actively practice disobeying the Toxic RULES
• learn what our own healthy, intuitive, inborn voice is saying, listening to and acting on that instead
• gradually separate the WIC’s dependence on the PP & transfer it’s loyalty to our developing UNIT by always being the Good Parent
• develop strong boundaries with others, rather than walls, especially with anyone who treats us like our family
• have the courage to say NO to unhealthy & unsuitable people
Distancing from the PP
• We can tell it move aside, leave our Inner Child alone, shut up in there!….
• We can try to sooth the bad voice by validating it’s pain / fear… and telling it we understand its pain, that it will not be harmed by anything positive we’re doing for ourselves, BUT never agreeing with it
• don’t respond at all – ignore it. Talk to the WIC instead,
soothing & comforting it. The better your connection with the kid, the less power the PP will have.
The PP will try to fight for its life, but with consistent self care, eventually it’ll get quieter & fade, even if it’s still in the far background
✓ IF WE – tried to protect one parent from the other, because the victim one was too weak to stand up for themself; OR if one parents left, or died
❇ Then we became the replacement punching bag, or spouse-substitute, or tried protecting them by magical thinking….
• IF we’re still attached to that role & reproduce it in current relationships
❇ NOW we can give our parents back to each other. It was THEIR relationship, their marriage, their loss… SAY: “Dad / Mom, You’re not my mate. I give you back to him/her to deal with. I have my own life to live & it was never my job.”
– OR –
✓ IF WE – took on a depressed parent’s suicidal feelings (even if they never acted on them directly)
❇ Then we became suicidal, from love and a child’s magical belief that we could then keep them alive…
• So we do self-destructive things, or find other physically, mentally, emotionally & spiritually dangerous people or situations to hurt us
❇ NOW we can give him / her back the responsibility for their own life, so we don’t have to act on their wish to escape. We don’t have to kill ourselves.
In RECOVERY – we work at gradually shedding as much family damage as we’re able. Once we identify what’s our damage & what’s theirs, we can say daily affirmations, & do visualizations to shed that burden.
PACK UP what’s theirs. Then mentally go up to each person & return it – lay the box or bag at their feet AND walk away!
Develop a POSITIVE INTROJECT
It’s appropriate to ABSORB all positive feedback from outside sources – accurate, intelligent, patient, positive, realistic, supportive, validating, & spiritual.
Healthy mirroring & guidance can be from :
• a loving family member, if there is one
• any appropriate 12-step Program, rehab, workshops…
• a knowledgeable psychotherapist, & perhaps group therapy
• helpful books & literature (psychological & spiritual)
• our Higher Power, spiritual or religious teachers/ leaders, if suitable
• successful well-known people, as role models & inspiration
• craneo-sacral & other knowledgeable body workers, nutritionist…
• good friends, a supportive mate, caring adult children, AND pets
• business partners, clients, acquaintances – who value your abilities ….
Remember to calm your WIC when it gets overwhelmed by how much there is to sort out in Recovery. Like with any new skill – it takes knowledge, guidance, time & practice.
NEXT: Notice re. book version of blog