I’M WILLING TO GROW
beyond my early training!
PREVIOUS: Emotional Maturity (#1)
SITE: Self-Soothing Hand positions Exercises (helps with PTSD)
See ACRONYM Page for abbrev.
QUOTE: “We grow sometimes in one dimension & not in another, unevenly….. mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present & future mingle, pulling us backward, forward, or fixing us in the present. We’re made up of layers, cells, constellations.” Anais Nin
Def: Emotional Maturity (EM) is expressed in ways that fit our chronological age – increased adjustment, stability & self-regulation of emotions. Psychological Wiki
PURPOSE – is TO:
1. know what personal goals to work toward
2. acknowledge healthy qualities we’re already developing, based on personal growth, to appreciate our Recovery progress
3. know what to look for in others* – lovers, mates, friends, family (adults), bosses…..
✶ ACoAs will say they wouldn’t know a healthy person if they fell over them.
WELL – here are some guidelines – for YOURself & about others! Keep a copy on your phone, desktop & bathroom mirror
PS: As emotional wounds heal & distorted beliefs are corrected, we can claim these EM characteristics, & see many areas of our life gradually improve
EMOTIONAL GOALS & ACHIEVEMENTS – YOU:
• accept yourself unconditionally, even for the things that are incomplete, unattractive or need improving
• are in touch with a full range of Es & not afraid to find out what they are at any given moment, but not overwhelmed or driven by them
• are comfortable expressing Es in a healthy way, from Adult ego state
• Es in perspective, from a balanced internal place rather than B & W extremes (“If it’s hysterical it’s historical”)
• know how to manage & cope with old or new pain
• aren’t overly ‘sensitive’, can have E, but not so easily hurt
• accept & tolerate anxiety & other uncomfortable Es
• recognize anger or rage & express them appropriately, in a way that leads to your growth
• aren’t afraid to feel sadness & cry, as well as explore the reasons for it
• accept & face guilt (especially when breaking family rules)
• can handle disappointment, so are a good loser, handling defeat without whining or blame
• don’t need to constantly find fault, but also aren’t idealistic & unrealistic (in denial) about things that are genuinely harmful
• have mostly outgrown envy & jealousy, being honestly glad when others have success or good fortune
• let yourself be vulnerable without shame or terror, & can let others see your soft / unsuccessful side, but only when appropriate & with safe people
• accept that some stress is part of life, rather than trying to hide, but not create difficulties. Can meet emergencies with poise
• don’t worry about or try to fix things that are beyond your control
• don’t have to “show off” in socially unacceptable ways to feel important
• don’t need approval from others to feel good about yourself
• have a reasonable amount of patience at reasonable delays, & have self-control in adversity. Accept you sometimes have to adjust to other people’s convenience, needs or limitations
• admit & are able to working through Es (fear, anger, pain…) from traumatic events in your life (divorce, major illness, death, disasters….) rather than pretending nothing’s wrong
• don’t indulge in self-pity (“woe is me”), understanding the law of compensation* operates in all of life.
IMP: Having compassion for ourselves & our misfortunes, which are not of our making, is not the same as self-pity, which only blames others for our pain without taking any responsibility to heal our wounds
*Compensation: All life is about trade-offs – good for bad, & bad for good. It’s anything that makes up for the lack or limitation of something else, an amend or reward for loss or deprivation.
“As there is no worldly gain without some loss, so there is no worldly loss without some gain: • If thou hast lost thy wealth, thou hast lost some trouble with it
• If thou art degraded from thy honor, thou art likewise freed from the stroke of envy
• If sickness hast blurred thy beauty, it hath delivered thee from pride
• Set the allowance against the loss and thou shalt find no loss great.”
English Metaphysical poet Francis Quarles (1592 ~ 1644)
NEXT: Emotional Maturity – Relational, Spiritual