Emotional MATURITY – Cognitive, Practical

‘I KNOW WHAT I KNOW’
and I’m also willing to learn

PREVIOUS: Emotional Maturity – General

NOTE: As recovering ACoAs, many of us start the maturing process much later in life than we would have if we’d come from a healthy, loving family. This is perfectly natural.

Therefore, we need to :
• mourn the loss of time & possibilities our damage has stolen from us
• safely express our rage at the unfairness of having to clean up the mess our parents bequeathed us
• consistently work at Recovery, & persevere no matter how hard & long it takes
• keep looking for, finding & accepting appropriate people & support systems that will nurture our growth
• know in our bones that Recovery & therefore EM is a realistic goal for ourself (NEVER ‘compare & despair’). You are NOT someone else!

COGNITIVE – ABLE TO:
• be self-appraising, & comfortable with who you are & what you want in life
• take responsibility for your decisions. Admit when you’re wrong, without being overly guilt- or shame-ridden
• consciously look for the motives behind your own actions, with wisdom & compassion
• face reality, in yourself & in others, the way things are right now (acceptance)
TO:
• decide what you believe, based on experiences & feelings, not on what others say or do – or want of you. Believe “I know what I know”
• realize there are many different opinions in the world, & you can’t use others to form our identity
• change your opinions about people or situations, when receiving new info
TO:
• accurately chose info from available data, then apply it to make positive decisions for yourself
• mainly use reason to decide how to act. You need Es to say what’s suitable or not – for yourself, but they are not always or automatically to be acted on
• think before acting to be in control of your behavior
TO:
• eliminate magical thinking (grandiosity), unrealistic expectations, projections….
• live with being imperfect & sometimes failing. It does not reflect on your personal value, no matter what we were told as a kid
• thoughtfully listen to others’ opinions. Understand & tolerate differing views, without diminishing you in any way
TO:
• accept not everyone will feel the same way about a situation, stimulus or idea as you do
• understand the relationship between core values & Es
• always want to learn new things to improve yourself, making you more effective & useful in the world

PRACTICAL – ABLE TO:
• admit & deal with the consequences of your actions or inactions
• accept when you don’t succeed at something. Figure out what went wrong, learn from any mistakes, & make the necessary corrections – when possible, & without shame
• asses the risks of a potential or planned situation (date, interview…) that you’re already familiar with, OR that you know enough about to evaluate – without projecting negatively.
When assessing possible pitfalls / risks of an upcoming event, do research & then use that info wisely (not impulsive, compulsive)
TO:
• balance family, rest, work & play – without trying to do it perfectly, or do it well all the time
• be mainly self-reliant in all areas of life, but not isolated or afraid to ask for help when needed
• follow through with things you’ve started, even when it’s hard, but also know when to let go of a hopeless situation
TO:
• know what you want to do with your life & then pursue it with enthusiasm & patience, persevering even when there are obstacles
• plan ahead, being realistic & practical, rather than letting things go till the last minute. Use inspiration & intuition when faced with an unexpected problem, but not as a substitute for being prepared
• tackle difficult & demanding situations – even when scared – trusting you can use knowledge & experience, not forgetting past successes
TO:
• take overall responsibility for your own life (& small children), without endless excuses, but not be responsible for the lives or needs of (most) other adults
• use moderation & balance in all things, but allow for extremes once in a while when appropriate
• work hard toward your goals, not compulsively or to the point of exhaustion, but with a reasonable plan that can be modified or enhanced according to circumstances