ACoAs: REBUILDING Trust (Part 2)

rebulding trust
but I have a right to reciprocation

PREVIOUS: Rebuilding Trust (Part 1)

QUOTE:To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.” ˜˜George MacDonald, Scottish novelist


😻BUILDING Trust in an Intimate relationship:
Keep your Word – Realistically, do what you say you’re going to do
Be Transparent – nothing hidden (text messages, websites, finances … & no stockpiling unexpressed emotions
Don’t Lie – neither blatant lies, nor letting the other person believe something that’s not true
Confess Promptly – No one can be perfect. Instead of letting problems fester, quickly and appropriately admit omissions, lies & mistakes

1. Know the Details –  Violator gives their side of the event, to provide you with a broader perspective : What, when, where? What may have contributed to this situation? Are there mitigating circumstances?

2. Release Anger – Betrayed person (you) need to acknowledge anger, & use healthy ways of getting it out. The offender too needs to express resentment & anger harbored from before

3. Commitment – Both parties need to define what’s required to stay committed, if they want to keep the relationship
4. & 5. Rebuild Trust & the Relationship  – see below  (MORE….)

>> If
the offender is willing to face & correct their behavior :
a. If you are the Trust Violator, you need to….. (previous post)

b. As the Violated person, you need to:
• identify & deal with painful emotions of betrayal (shock, anger, hurt, disappointment, fear…) – instead of excusing the other by minimizing their bad behavior, the practical consequences & emotional distress

• ask for total transparency – no more lying or double-dealing. They need to be forthcoming without always being prodded
• going forward, believe the person’s actions not their words

• adjust your expectations to what’s actually possible in this situation. Evaluating unrealistic hopes or demands you have of the other person
• be respectful, positive & kind (not punishing or vengeful), but stay awake

• look at yourself too, for any way you may have contributed to the problem.  You did not cause their behavior but may have helped create a climate which made it inevitable or too easy for them to acting out – including things you did NOT do or say

• decide if you can forgive. This does not mean white-washing or overlooking bad behavior. Work to understand the reasons behind it & having some compassion for their weaknesses – knowing the choices made are from their WIC. But the actions are unacceptable, so letting go of hurt may take time

QUALITIES of any GOOD Relationship – BEING:
Appreciative – don’t take each other for granted & be realistic. Say ‘thank you’ when deserved & give compliments when appropriate & sincere
Caring & Kind – Don’t stop saying “I love you”. Find ways to be thoughtful, & considering the other person’s tastes & preferences.
When angry, state your Es in a way that wcouples loveill do the least emotional damage.  You’re more likely to be heard, &  prevents a buildup of resentments in the other

Fun to be around – a sense of humor is always welcome. Plan enjoyable things to do together that are relaxing & entertaining. Have your own interests as well, so you have something new to contribute
Helpful – approach problems together. Combine the best skills & natural talents of each to solve life’s difficulties, creating a greater sense of unity & strength

Positive – think confidently about yourself (but arrogant), & treat the other from the same point of view. Start from the assumption that you both have the possibility of growth & happiness, without overlooking limitations & flaws

Respectful – appreciate & value your differences, as well as enjoying your similarities. Don’t try to communicatechange the other, but be clear about what you need, & would like to see improved in the relationship
Trustworthy – see previous post. Be consistent!
Understanding – encourage open communication of needs, opinions & emotions
Approachable – willing to listen & when necessary, be able to handle things you may find hard to hear.

NEXT: Double Messages – Basics #2

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