ACoAs: REBUILDING Trust (Part 2)


rebulding trust
TRUST STARTS WITH ME –
but I have a right to reciprocation

PREVIOUS: Rebuilding Trust (Part 1)

 

1. BETRAYED – by OTHERS

2. BEING the Trust VIOLATOR
These suggestions apply mainly to being in a ‘commuted’ love unit, but can also be used re. family members & close friends.
If
both people want to stay connected AND you’re willing to face your misconduct —
broken-hearta. in GENEAL (re. friends, work…. ) – if the problem is that you were neglectful, manipulated, said cruel things, didn’t keep promises, stole, lied, threatened, hit ….. THEN identify the behavior & stop doing it immediately
• be sincere – your victim is closely scrutinizing your motives & intentions

b. in an INTIMATE relationship – if you were unfaithful – cut off all connection to the “other” person
• take responsibility for your actions – don’t blame anyone else or make promise keeperexcuses
• provide an honest apology & a thorough account of what really happened – and if possible the why of your actions

• do not expect instant forgiveness & reinstatement, especially if you’ve been disloyal, untruthful & undependable before
• take immediate action to restore the rift between you & the other person, including listening to & validating their emotional pain & outrage, which you caused

• know you’re likely to be on probation, but if the relationship is important to you, commit to behaving in an upstanding way & then work at keeping your promise
• restate or change your shared goals & interests you can both build on
• be able to sustain good behavior over the long haul
• be willing to get professional help (individual & couples), go to AA, Al-Anon, pray for healing of underlying damage……

😻 BUILDING Trust in an Intimate relationship
✤  Be Authentic – uncover & live in your True Self which included the Natural Child ego state, which includes all talents, attitudes, tastes, genetic tendencies, learning styles, personality type…. as well as basic weaknesses

Keep your Word – Realistically, do what you say you’re going to do, SO don’t promise anything you can’t / don’t want to do
Be Transparent – nothing hidden (text messages, websites, finances … & no stockpiling unexpressed emotions

Don’t Lie – neither blatant lies, nor letting the other person believe something that’s not true
Confess Promptly (see 3 posts re. AA’s 10th Step).
No one can be perfect. Instead of letting problems fester, quickly & appropriately admit omissions, lies & mistakes (0000)

😰 BOTH : To HEAL
🔺 Know the Details –  Violator gives their side of the event, to provide you with a broader perspective : What, when, where? What may have contributed to this situation? Are there mitigating circumstances?

🔺 Release Anger – Betrayed person (you) need to acknowledge anger, & use healthy ways of getting it out. The offender too needs to express resentment & anger harbored from before

🔺 Commitment – Both parties need to define what’s required to stay committed, IF they want to keep the relationship
🔺 Rebuild Trust & the Relationship  – see below  (MORE….)

QUALITIES of any GOOD Relationship – BEING:
Approachable – willing to listen & when necessary, be able to handle things you may find hard to hear.
Appreciative – don’t take each other for granted & be realistic. Say ‘thank you’ when deserved & give compliments when appropriate & sincere  (showing Love)

Caring & Kind – Don’t stop saying “I love you”. Find ways to be thoughtful, considering the other person’s tastes & preferences.(5 Love Languages)
When angry, state your Es in a way that wcouples loveill do the least emotional damage.  You’re more likely to be heard, &  prevents a buildup of resentments in the other

Fun to be around – a sense of humor is always welcome. Plan enjoyable things to do together that are relaxing & entertaining. Have your own interests as well, so you have something new to contribute
Helpful – approach problems together. Combine the best skills & natural talents of each to solve life’s difficulties, creating a greater sense of unity & strength

Positive – think confidently about yourself (but arrogant), & treat the other from the same point of view. Start from the assumption that you both have the possibility of growth & happiness, without overlooking limitations & flaws

Respectful – appreciate & value your differences, as well as enjoying your similarities. Don’t try to communicatechange the other, but be clear about what you need, & would like to see improved in the relationship
Trustworthy – see post. Be consistent!
Understanding – encourage open communication of needs, opinions & emotions

NEXT: Double Messages – Basics #2

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