PREVIOUS: Rebuilding Trust (Part 1)
1. BETRAYED – by OTHERS
2. BEING the Trust VIOLATOR
These suggestions apply mainly to being in a ‘commuted’ love unit, but can also be used re. family members & close friends.
If both people want to stay connected AND you’re willing to face your misconduct —
a. in GENEAL (re. friends, work…. ) – if the problem is that you were neglectful, manipulated, said cruel things, didn’t keep promises, stole, lied, threatened, hit ….. THEN identify the behavior & stop doing it immediately
• be sincere – your victim is closely scrutinizing your motives & intentions
b. in an INTIMATE relationship – if you were unfaithful – cut off all connection to the “other” person
• take responsibility for your actions – don’t blame anyone else or make excuses
• provide an honest apology & a thorough account of what really happened – and if possible the why of your actions
• do not expect instant forgiveness & reinstatement, especially if you’ve been disloyal, untruthful & undependable before
• take immediate action to restore the rift between you & the other person, including listening to & validating their emotional pain & outrage, which you caused
• know you’re likely to be on probation, but if the relationship is important to you, commit to behaving in an upstanding way & then work at keeping your promise
• restate or change your shared goals & interests you can both build on
• be able to sustain good behavior over the long haul
• be willing to get professional help (individual & couples), go to AA, Al-Anon, pray for healing of underlying damage……
😻 BUILDING Trust in an Intimate relationship
✤ Be Authentic – uncover & live in your True Self which included the Natural Child ego state, which includes all talents, attitudes, tastes, genetic tendencies, learning styles, personality type…. as well as basic weaknesses
✤ Keep your Word – Realistically, do what you say you’re going to do, SO don’t promise anything you can’t / don’t want to do
✤ Be Transparent – nothing hidden (text messages, websites, finances … & no stockpiling unexpressed emotions
✤ Don’t Lie – neither blatant lies, nor letting the other person believe something that’s not true
✤ Confess Promptly (see 3 posts re. AA’s 10th Step).
No one can be perfect. Instead of letting problems fester, quickly & appropriately admit omissions, lies & mistakes (0000)
😰 BOTH : To HEAL
🔺 Know the Details – Violator gives their side of the event, to provide you with a broader perspective : What, when, where? What may have contributed to this situation? Are there mitigating circumstances?
🔺 Release Anger – Betrayed person (you) need to acknowledge anger, & use healthy ways of getting it out. The offender too needs to express resentment & anger harbored from before
🔺 Commitment – Both parties need to define what’s required to stay committed, IF they want to keep the relationship
🔺 Rebuild Trust & the Relationship – see below (MORE….)
QUALITIES of any GOOD Relationship – BEING:
• Approachable – willing to listen & when necessary, be able to handle things you may find hard to hear.
• Appreciative – don’t take each other for granted & be realistic. Say ‘thank you’ when deserved & give compliments when appropriate & sincere (showing Love)
• Caring & Kind – Don’t stop saying “I love you”. Find ways to be thoughtful, considering the other person’s tastes & preferences.(5 Love Languages)
When angry, state your Es in a way that will do the least emotional damage. You’re more likely to be heard, & prevents a buildup of resentments in the other
• Fun to be around – a sense of humor is always welcome. Plan enjoyable things to do together that are relaxing & entertaining. Have your own interests as well, so you have something new to contribute
• Helpful – approach problems together. Combine the best skills & natural talents of each to solve life’s difficulties, creating a greater sense of unity & strength
• Positive – think confidently about yourself (but arrogant), & treat the other from the same point of view. Start from the assumption that you both have the possibility of growth & happiness, without overlooking limitations & flaws
• Respectful – appreciate & value your differences, as well as enjoying your similarities. Don’t try to change the other, but be clear about what you need, & would like to see improved in the relationship
• Trustworthy – see post. Be consistent!
• Understanding – encourage open communication of needs, opinions & emotions
NEXT: Double Messages – Basics #2