ACoAs & HUMILIATION (Part 3)


PREVIOUS: Humiliation – Part 2

QUOTEs :“It’s a pervasive & all too destructive influence in the behavior of individuals, groups, organizations & nations.”  ~ Donald Klein

✦ “Persistent humiliation robs you of the vantage of rebellion.” ~ M. Silver

✦ “The difference between how a person treats the powerless versus the powerful is as good a measure of human character as I know.” ~ Robert I. Sutton, Stanford prof

↗️ NOVEL: “The Insulted and Humiliated”~ Fyodor Dostoyevesky Review
Goodreads: “…. published soon after Dostoevsky’s political imprisonment, clearly foreshadows his later preoccupation with unconscious psychological drives & their external effects on the lives of his characters. Where his later works carry these drives to inevitably dramatic conclusions, The Insulted & Injured confines them within the smaller boundaries of everyday events…..”

1. EXTERNAL Sources (Part 1)
2. INTERNAL Source: Self-humiliation (Part 2)

3. RESULTS of being humiliated
Donald C. Klein in “The Humiliation Dynamic,” points out that being disrespected can cause some people to become consumed by their wounded pride, producing ‘humiliated fury’. And, because of the powerlessness & lack of control that it exposes, it can also lead to anxiety.

• Even if the humiliation is not intentional, as from a misunderstanding, the consequences can be severe, ranging from interpersonal conflict to international terrorism. 3x Nobel Peace Prize nominee & author of “From Humiliation to Dignity” Evelin Lindner calls it the “nuclear bomb of emotions.”

In 2 studies (PubMed), students were subjected to shameful events every day for 2 weeks. They reported their resulting feelings of anger, also pointing out class-mates who got angry. Narcissism was treated as a potential factor in their reactions. As predicted, shameful events made children angry – especially boys with high narcissism scores. These results validate clinical theory that shaming events can trigger that ‘humiliated fury’.humiliation depression

• When turned inward this rage most often results in depression & apathy. The accompanying S-H prevents someone from being able to meet their own needs, let alone have energy available to love and care for others

• When turned outward it can generate paranoia & revenge fantasies, which can lead to sadistic behavior. Humiliated fury unfortunately creates additional victims, often including innocent bystanders

Some consequences
People in power use humiliation as a form of social control & oppression. The fear of humiliation can be a powerful motivator for taking actions – sometime positive (to prove ‘they’re wrong’), but more often negative

• Humiliation (internal or external) has been linked to abuse to self or others, academic failure, delinquency, depression, discrimination, learned helplessness, low self-esteem, marital conflict, social disruption, social isolation, under-achievement, torture – even death.

4. RECOVERY – Consider:
1. whether the humiliating comment or action does not – in reality – diminish your seltime to evaluatef-image, decrease your position, or tarnish your public face / reputation. If yes, then ‘let go”
OR
2. If the event does harm you socially (a concrete result) – but not your self-esteem – what can you do to repair the situation?
Use any positive help you can find.
OR
3. Does the humiliation feel so familiar that you believe it?
It’s IMP to identify why specific comments / actions hurt you:
• How does it echo your childhood?
• What loss (realistic or emotion-based) does it represent to you? (of self-esteem, of connection, of social opportunities, of financial benefit….)
• What do you need to do – if anything – to counter it?

Possible Solutions to being humiliated:
• If possible, talk to the offender, from the Adult ego state, & ask for the behavior to stop
• If they will not respond favorably, leave the degrading environment & find a more appreciative one, when possible
OR
• If ‘trapped’, even temporarily, with an abuser (bully, controller, sadist, manipulator…) you can re-frame the painful experiences in some way that acknowledges your strength & ability to cope.

Most important – do not take it personally. This increases self-confidence & diminishes the damaging effects & fear of humiliation.
Being humiliated, by oneself or others, is NEVER justified!

For more background on this version of humiliation, review posts:
Self-Hate & ACoAs / Our Wounded Inner Child / Over-controlling Ourselves / Toxic Family RULES / What is Emotional Abuse?

NEXT: Arrogance vs HUMILITY (Part 1)

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