I CAN ONLY STAND MYSELF – if I pretend to be superior!
PREVIOUS: Humiliation (#3)
SITE: “The Difference Between Confidence & Arrogance is Empathy“
◆ Teaching Humility in an Age of Arrogance
QUOTEs:“Much to learn, you still have” ~ YODA to Count Dooku, StarWars II
• “Do you wish people to think well of you? Don’t speak well of yourself” ~ Pascal
DEF: ARROGANCE (ARR) = inflating, exalting, over-valuing oneself. It’s “Bigging yourself up”, whether publicly or just inside your own mind, & often involves criticizing & knocking others down at the same time. (Ennea-Type #3)
“The act or habit of making unjustified declarations in an overbearing manner…. exorbitant claims of rank, dignity, estimation, or power”
♦️It is a major characteristic of all styles of narcissism – overt or covert, falling on a continuum from mild to severe. The extreme expression of arrogance is Narcissistic Personality Disorder. 2 main types:
• Vulnerable – those who use arrogance to compensate for their insecurity
• Grandiose – who truly believe themselves to be perfect, without weakness or limitations.
It’s one of 7 features of “dark” personality traits, based on 7 basic fears, which are the False Self’s primary means of self-preservation.
• Arrogance = FEAR of vulnerability
• Greed = f. of lack / not having enough
• Impatience = f. of missed or lost opportunity
• Martyrdom = f. of worthlessness
• Self-Destruction = f. of loss of control
• Self-Deprecation = f. of inadequacy
• Stubbornness = f. of change or of new situations (MORE…)
CHARACTERISTICS of ARR people (A G. Cerdan)
☂︎ Constantly talking about themselves & their achievements
☂︎ Charming – at first. Behind it is contempt, lack of empathy, resentment & selfishness
☂︎ Intolerant of anyone who doesn’t like or approve of them
☂︎ Never asking for forgiveness
☂︎ Over-compensate for insecurity – being loud, stubborn, showing off in dress & makeup….
☂︎ Tremendous need to be praised
☂︎ Trouble forming & keeping relationships
☂︎ Won’t admit mistakes, can’t handle criticism
ARR. is the result of Negative childhood experiences, causing:
a. deep (hidden) terror & insecurity (fear of abandonment)
b. the WIC’s dysfunctional strategy to ‘protect’ the Self
c. misconceptions about the nature of Self, life & others
d. a False Persona to hide a, b & c in adulthood
• We all have the potential to be arrogant in some area of our life. But – for people terrified to admit or show common human limitations, it can become a dominant pattern. This character defect represents the need to be seen as flawless, because exposing any weakness makes them feel unbearably vulnerable (like negative EnneaType 1, but not exclusively). See (Ennea-Flaws in All)
Hidden belief: “Who I really am will never be good enough for anyone to accept. So no one must ever see the real me.”
ACoAs are very familiar with this obsession with perfection, because our family punished or made fun of normal childhood needs & behavior, which they treated as unforgivable flaws!
– – Vanity (unhealthy False Self):
an irrational / obsessive belief in our superior attractiveness or abilities as reflected in the eyes of others – which is falling for our own lies (egotism / narcissism).
It comes from the Latin vanities: empty, foolish, futile, untruthful
+ + Pride (healthy Confidence): recognizing, appreciating AND enjoying all our good qualities, rather than exaggerating or need yo make them up to mask or deny normal human limits & imperfection.
It’s a positive expression of the True Self, being realistic about our innate value & accomplishments (“Worst & Best Personality Traits” – lists)
WHY do ARR people Succeed?
⚡️They use anger to intimidate
⚡️Being ‘difficult’ makes others give in to them more easily
⚡️Being dominant / domineering allows them to steal the show
⚡️Believing they’re superior helps them go for what they want
⚡️In disagreements, they attack the person rather than the issue
Arrogant leaders can do well in business, but rarely create lasting relationships – because they doesn’t inspire loyalty & trust. They’re often surrounded by users who are all too happy to take advantage of the egotist’s ruthless & obsessive need to ‘make good’, but will jump ship at the first sign of trouble
ARR is built on a variety of sandy / swampy foundations, such as:
– family lineage, ‘connections’, money, possessions
– achievements based on natural talents + hard work
– illusions / self-deception about non-existent personal qualities
– being stuck in past glory & accomplishments
HOWEVER – none of these provide genuine self-esteem, which only has one source: Unconditional love!
NEXT: Arrogance #2
2 thoughts on “ACoAs – ARROGANCE (Part 1)”
This post really hits home. Arrogance is probably my biggest character defect. I learned this way of acting from my father (and mother). They have different styles of acting it out but both are off-the-scale arrogant – and so am I now. I honestly thought I was better than other people and I was really surprised when I recently learned (and recognized in myself) that it’s a cover against feeling vulnerable – with an underlying hidden belief: “Who I really am will never be good enough for others to accept. So no one must ever see the real me.” It’s sad. It’s also scary that I could be so delusional.
On another topic, if self-esteem comes from only one source – unconditional love, are we able to give that to ourselves so that we can develop self-esteem? Or do we have to get that from outside of ourselves? Or is it a combination?
Tara, thanks for your comment.
Al-Anon’s Preamble includes the statement: “We will love you until you can love yourself”. It needs to be both – our daily job to counter the PP voice & show the WIC it has a right to be loved, and we need healthy people to validate us the way our family couldn’t – by seeing our True Self.