PREVIOUS: ACoAs – ARROGANCE vs Humility (#1)
ACoAs: Self-Hate & Arrogance (ARR)
😢 On the one hand we see others as superior to us, ‘saner’, more capable, luckier, not damaged – like we are….. We nurture the bad habit of “compare & despair”.
Many of us have such a poor understanding of what self-esteem is that we’re often duped by people who have created a persona / False Self which makes them seem confident, but are actually arrogant, narcissistic & grandiose.
Just because someone has a career, family, education, a social life…. doesn’t mean they’re psychologically healthy. Consider our own parents, who may have had some of these externals, yet were selfish, neglectful, cruel, even crazy.
😎 On the other hand – we have our own secret arrogance. Hard to believe? Don’t want to admit to this character defect? How could depressed, victim-y, self-hating ACoAs possible be arrogant?
ANS: No matter how well disguised, ARR is the WIC’s :
◆ mistaken way of compensating for its deep sense of powerlessness
◆ copying how some of our caretakers acted, absorbed into our PP
ACoA ARR shows up in several ways, AS:
• Self-Hate, which says we are the worst – the bad seed, evil …. AND
• Superiority, which says “I’m actually better than everyone else, even though they don’t know it. I’ll never let on, or they won’t like me.”
• Co-dependence, which says that we can prevent others from feeling certain emotions (ones we’re most afraid of) OR from abandoning us. That we have the power to control how others see & treat us, by how well we ‘behave’ (suppressing our True Self)
• Dependence (as adults) which says we have the right to use others to ‘take care’ of us so we don’t have to, because we’re victims. We wait for them to be substitute parents, to do for us what we can & should be doing for ourselves : waiting to be chosen (rather than choosing), to give us permission, approval, validation, basic info, constant pushing, motivation, love…. & most of all to give us an identity!
• Grandiosity, which says we can do superhuman things, like fixing our parents’ pain & damage, getting narcissists to ‘see/hear‘ us, doing 20 things at once, skip over process, know things we were never taught…..
• Idealism, which says that the whole world should be the way we want it to be, since we know the ‘right’ way others should behave
• Perfectionism, which says we can make ourselves flaw-less, in order to be loved & approved of. (Failure is inevitable, which adds to our S-H)
• Rescuing, which says we have the right to interfere in other people’s lives – because we know better what’s good / right for them
• Symbiosis (our narcissism), which says that everyone should think, feel & act the way WE do or would. Then we’re confused when they don’t.
IMPLIED: Everyone has to be just like us = since we’re not actually allowed to be our True Self, if we can hide in a crowd of others who are all the same, the world (parents) won’t notice, & won’t punish or kill us.!!
EXP: Any time we say with anger or anguish: “I just can’t understand how he/she could do/be XYZ….” = implies that only our way is reasonable & correct, so how can they be so dumb, mean, selfish….?
IMPLICATION : If they’re not like us them we’re exposed!
BTW: It’s imperative for ACoAs to learn & believe that it is NOT arrogant or selfish* TO take care of ourselves, acknowledge our needs & act on them – before dealing with the needs/wants of other adults
➼ This is true self-esteem, a requirement for mature, successful living, without having to ‘use’ others to get our needs met or tell us who we are supposed to be
*Selfish is when we expect / demand someone to give themselves up for us – to do what we want them to do instead of what’s right for them.
Selfish is when we expect / demand that others provide our needs, instead of supporting them to take loving care of themselves.
SELF-CARE is about taking responsibility for our own life, being in charge of our choices, being our own motivator – rather than blaming others or the ‘universe’ when we don’t feel taken care of. Self-care = Mental Health
NEXT: HUMILITY = #1