I’VE LEARNED ALL TOO WELL
to humiliate myself & let others
PREVIOUS: Humiliation – Part 1
1.EXTERNAL Sources (cont)
• always held at arm’s length (mate, child, ‘friend’)
• deliberately overlooked or ignored
• falsely accused, or subject to slander, gossip, insinuations
• given the silent treatment, treated as invisible
• made to wait for someone unnecessarily, habitually
• threatened with abuse – verbal (name calling…), physical, sexual, psychological
• withholding acknowledgement or recognition
• forced to agree with someone’s opinion or beliefs which contradict your own
• the attention you get be a way to manipulation you (how, when…)
• to apologize unfairly, when not guilty of anything
• your experience or information dismissed, discounted, silenced
d. SOCIAL / SEXUAL
• forced to defer to others who are less honorable, intelligent or less qualified
• poor, unemployed, foreclosed, homeless
• reduced in rank, responsibility, role, title, positional, power, authority
• publicly disrespected, downgraded, defeated, slighted
• shamed by bad investments, debt, bankruptcy
• subjected to punishment, social powerlessness, imprisonment
• shamed for heritage, race, gender, appearance, character
• the victim of a practical joke, prank, or confidence scheme
NOTE: Not all recipients of these experiences are innocent. While many people are true victims – some ‘earn’ one or more of these mistreatments by acting out, being abusive, disrespectful…. or by unconsciously setting themselves up – to be taught a lesson, be punished or get pay-back.
This does not mean that humiliation is a healthy way to treat anyone – but is often the way people retaliate on a perpetrator, or copy their original tormentor by inflict on others injuries previously done to them.
2. INTERNAL Source: Self-humiliation
Being put down always comes from outside, something being done TO someone, & is NOT OK with most victims.
However, if you were continually humiliated as a child – at school, in the playground, but especially at home, you came to believe you deserved it, and is the way you should always be treated (via the PP)
Even though it makes you feel angry, sad, lonely, hopeless….& maybe consciously you don’t think it’s right or fair – you’ve internalize the mistreatment (of course) & will act it out in many, or all, parts of your life
• For ACoAs, being humiliated is experienced as :
“You’re attacking my very essence, & it seems to make enough sense that I’m doubting my own worth, so I feel shame”.
It represents a lack of self-respect – not about our abilities or actions – but about the core of our being, saying we have no intrinsic value.
Without ‘serious’ help to understand & deal with it, we assume it’s inevitable – perpetuating our degradation, & finding others who will also reinforce the original pattern
SHAME is internal. Is an emotional response to an insult to our basic Self.
As adults, we can only FEEL humiliated if we agree with what’s said or done to us. When we’re insecure about our rights & our value, we’re more prone to feel shame when disrespected, because we give too much weight to what others think of us than to what we think of ourselves.
NOTE: Feeling ashamed is from us. ‘Being shamed’ is the same things as ‘being humiliated’ – & comes from others
WAYS of functioning out of shame, S-H & FoA
◆ an adult always acting or sounding like a child (childish / immature)
◆ not having or using common sense
◆ trying to do the impossible (reversed Serenity Prayer)
◆ punishing self or letting other punish us for making mistakes
telling everyone your personal business / all of your flaws / dumping problems inappropriately
◆ dating people who neglect & abuse you
◆ not ‘letting go’, not accepting reality
◆ ‘chasing’ anyone who is just not interested or definitely unavailable, &/or something unrealistic, not appropriate…
◆ making a fool of yourself, for attention, from rage or arrogance
◆ talking trash, over-using sexual innuendos
◆ acting out in various ways, public drunkenness, lewdness, fighting
◆ always grabbing the spotlight, being arrogant, showing off
◆ being sexually inappropriate, promiscuous
◆ being inappropriate in a particular setting (you’re actions / language may be suited to another venue, but not the one you’ve chosen)
◆ justifying or over-explaining yourself
◆ trying to convince a narcissist of your point of view, or that you’re right & they’re wrong
NEXT: Arrogance vs Humility (Part 1)