Author: dmtorbi

Double BINDS – Positive Use (Part 11)

dmtorbi ACoAs, al-anon, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , , ,

DBs - contrast

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

THERE’S ALWAYS A WAY AROUND
if only I knew how!

PREVIOUS: Double Binds (Part 10)

SITE: “Talking to Toddlers: Double Binds in Parenting Young Kids”
BOOK: ‘Covert Persuasion’ + comments)

Kindle BOOK: “Double-Binds: The DNA of Emotional & Mental Problems, & How to Make use of Their Positive Potential” – John Lentz (DNA = Double Negative Association)

SURPRISE: After all these post on the ‘evil’ of D. Messages & D. Binds – would you believe there are actually ways to use DM for good?
On the one hand they can cause untold suffering.
On the other – the pain can  be a motivator to transform ourself, if we’re willing to do the work.

• The POSITIVE use of DBs was instituted by Dr. Milton Erickson, as a therapeutic tool. He first learned the art of the D.Binding from his father, who would ask, “Do you want to feed the chickens first or the hogs, & then do you want to fill the wood box or pump the water for the cows first.” The elder Erickson gave Milton a choice of which chore to do first, but the boy was not free to leave the chores undone. Erickson admitted he consented mainly because he chose the order in which he did them.

Erickson & Bateson used positive DBs for spiritual growth, & to confront patients with the contradictions in their life, to help them heal. DBs allow a person to have a set of injunctions which support them in many situations, whichever choice they make.
EXP: “Get enough sleep for your health” AND “Don’t sleep your life away”

PURPOSE: to help people release painful emotions, to stop “feeling crazy” & get past resistance to positive changes. Sometimes they don’t want either choice of a positive bind, even though both are to their benefit. But DBs are one of the most effective indirect language tools for inducing trance, as a way to loosen stuck-ness.

“Invaluable leaps in learning & personal development involve Including positive DBs to Transform / Transcend negative binding patterns. Often our greatest strengths come from being doubly bound to express both sides. EXP: Steve Jobs could not not innovate.” (From What are Double Binds?)

» It can also induce us to be “completely present” at a difficult time in a relationship, letting go of past situations that resembles this one, in order to consider what our partner needs right now.
The double bind is an opportunity to communicate more effectively, & possibly to become wiser. (MORE…. )

Clinical Hypno-therapist Dr. Jay Stone uses double & triple binds to subtly aid his clients. CHART ⬇️  re. Self-care.
You can apply it to any specific issue you want to work on.
◆  In two-level communication, the conscious mind gets a choice, but the unconscious mind does not

◆  In the triple bind, the person’s conscious mind is allowed to choose how often to apply the lesson, but the unconscious mind has agreed to self-care as soon as the conscious mind made its choice of frequency.
★ ACoAs:
This way of using DBs is very effective with toddlers (see ‘SITE’ above) and is worth learning to use with our WIC, who is usually resistant to more direct forms of change.

WIN-WIN We can learn to create win-wins for ourself & others, using positive DBs to encourage a desired outcome. This makes both Sender & Receiver right, no matter what they do or say, which is empowering rather than living in anxiety. There are 5 dimensions of the Win/Win model: Character, Relationships, Agreements, Supportive Systems & Processes
Screen Shot 2013-09-08 at 4.29.04 PM
◀️ In Business &/or Parenting
a. In a competitive situation OR in an unhealthy one, where making a safe connection is not possible, Win/Lose is a valid option. (MORE….)

b.When forging a positive relationship is the main focus & goal, Win/Win is the desirable outcome

• In that case, the “Purpose frame” is applicable – the NLP frame used for Chunking Up – to discover the motivation for doing something. It is a way to give the other person what they want (actual need), but not what they asked for (request).

NEXT: DBs – Part 12

Double BINDS – Tools (Part 10)

dmtorbi ACoAs, al-anon, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

THERE IS HELP AVAILABLE – all I have to do is use it!

PREVIOUS: Escaping DB (Part 9)


RECOVERING from DBs

😓 Remember the old Gershwin song “Someone To Watch Over Me”? Maybe no one ever did truly watch over you, so you didn’t learn to do it for yourself. NOW is a good time to start – by learning to be the Loving Parent you never had.

While we can’t stop being afraid of making changes in dealing with D.Binders, we can take some preemptive actions.
Before talking to / spending time with a difficult person, you can plan ahead to reinforce yourADULT& PARENT ego states, so that your WIC doesn’t take over when around them :
🔆 PHYSICAL
• get enough sleep the night before, & eat healthy
• take more time to get ready, leave enough time to travel, wear something comfortable
• call a safe person for support. Take a friend with you, if possible
🔆 MENTAL
• talk to you Inner Child before the ‘event’ to prepare him / her. Do the first half of book-ending
• remember – you are NOT the crazy one
• know that you cannot be perfect, because humans aren’t!
🔆 EMOTIONAL / SPIRITAUAL
• do some rage work, if possible, to go with less pent-up rage & frustration
• pray for guidance & inner peace (see Part 12)

REMINDERS 
✦ It’s not you: You are not stupid or crazy. DBs are crazy-making, setting you up in a no-win situation by a damaged /abusive person or system
✦ Trust your gut: If you ‘feel’ something’s wrong, believe it! & if necessary – check it out with someone you trust

✦ Believe in yourself: Be aware of your own power to break free & the intelligence to get out of the dilemma, so you don’t slide into one of the co-dependent roles – Victim, Rescuing the S, or become a Perpetrator
✦ Question the statements: If what you’re being told is self-contradictory, AND you’re supposed to act on both, you know the whole communication is flawed & not to be honored

✦ Threat of or Real punishment: Be sure the person can do you actual harm. You may already have experienced how they react when you don’t fall in line with the craziness, & you survived.
INVENTORY: What form did the harm take? How did you cope? What was the outcome? What kind of actual power do they have over you in the present? Do they pay your bills, are they in charge of your employment ……?

If not then you definitely have the freedom to ignore the mental games they’re playing. If they do still have some control over your life, you can use suggestions from other posts

✦ Redefine punishment: Yes – the S may get angry & say mean things – but once you believe you’re a good person & you “know what I know” they’re not dangerous to your spirit.
To a child, all forms of abandonment on any PMES level feel intolerable (‘death’) . Besides physical abuse, it includes disapproval, verbal abuse, being ignored & deprived…. But you are no longer a child.

✦ Meet your own standards: Disobeying either DB choice lead to a real or threatened punishment. If you must choose – give yourself permission to pick the side of the bind that fits your personality & circumstances, even if it upsets the Sender’s game
✦ Change the focus: In some cases, you can successfully shift attention outside the double bind (DBs – Part 5b)

✦ Look for allies within the situation: Adults need to go elsewhere for approval, respect, kindness… since the S is not willing or able to provide these. In the medical example (DMs, Part 4b) maybe someone in the doctor’s office can encourage & validate you. Don’t let your fear & shame isolate you.

✦ Get external support: Look for people, groups & activities that help you feel strong, resilient & creative – so you can breathe!
Keep searching until you find outside witnesses or authorities who will believe you & understand the problem

✦ Walk away: It’s a big world AND you have options now. Teach your WIC that you can get your needs met in abuse-free ways. Keep looking for them using your UNIT.  (MORE….)

NEXT: DBs  (#11) – Uses

Double BINDS – Escaping (Part 9)

dmtorbi ACoAs, al-anon, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

escape DBsI’M WILLING TO MAKE THE EFFORT
of finding a way out of this tangle

PREVIOUS: Speaking Up, Part 8c


ESCAPING DBs – requires:
• flexible thinking – giving up either/or (B & W) limitations
• a capacity to see beyond the obvious
• being curious & creative, willing to take reasonable risks
• having the courage to let go of the past & it’s ‘training’

🌱Find your own ways to “leave the field of the DB”.
Be creative. Use multiple visible & meta perspectives, which can make a difficult situation manageable. Distinguish between :
• ongoing life events (career – upper level meaning)
• a specific events (‘fight’ with boss – lower level) and
• the difference between them (the ‘fight’ isn’t going to end your career) you
Pick out positive parts of the DMessages you can focus on & ignore the others: “Take what you like & leave the rest”, Al-Anon

S&I from S🌱 Intense Emotional Attachment – The R’s anxiety of stepping outside the DB is the Fear of Abandonment – losing the symbiotic dependence on the S.

GOAL: become the center of our Adult universe (‘first position’):
• accept & love your Inner Child just as he/she is
• work to uncover your True Self
• practice emotional honesty
• own your strengths & accumulated knowledge

🌱 Doing vs Being – Separate your actions from your identity – they are not the same. We know this because there’s a big difference between how we act from damaged vs how we act from our Healthy Adult / Natural Self

🌱 Look for the Payoff – Our dilemma: while DBs really do trap us & we may complain bitterly about not ‘getting anywhere’, many ACoAs are so used to being stuck & uncomfortable they won’t do anything to change it. What’s familiar FEELS ‘comforting’ – & we hate feeling uncomfortable. SO – which is it? Are we comfortable or miserable in our D.Bind world? Pick a side.

EXP: WIC / ACoA ‘logic’ =: If I’m damned either way, that gets me off the hook. “I’m crazy & irresponsible because my hormones are out of whack OR I’m manic-depressive, OR just plain lazy….”
SO – I don’t have to do hard / painful emotions work, I don’t have to take care of myself & still get to be loyal to the family. Yipeee! – NOT

COMPROMISE – There are always options, & not all compromise is bad! AND not a sign of weakness. It shows you care about someone or something beyond yourself.
• We don’t have to like some of the actions that can make the needed shift away from our disrupted thinking, but if they help us get un-stuck, they’re worth it. If we stop seeing every situation as all-or-nothing, we often find at least the start of a solution.

Aristotle noted that doing ‘virtuous’ things feel unnatural at first, but consistent practice turns them into a stable character trait.
And to create the new habit we may have to push ourself. Since many of us are not allowed to be self-motivating, outside help to get past the inertia can be the incentive to get our engine turning over.
EXP: As a kid we may have been given the DB: “Don’t be childish – do what you’re told!” MEANING:
1. act like an adult, AND at the same time
2. be a child & obey, sometimes sweetened with “Besides it’ll be fun / feel good / work out, once you get going”…..

PARADOX – A positive use of paradox can also be an escape from a DB. The Inner Child loves to do the opposite of what it’s told. Right?
• Can’t sleep, but desperately want to?
Decide to stay awake all night, to remove the pressure. You may stay up as long as you want, OR —> just not having to – will do the trick, & soon your eyes will close on their own
• Afraid to go to a party, but would like to?
Decide to only stay for 15 min & then leave. Removing the pressure of having to be ‘on & acceptable’ allows you to go, & maybe even enjoy it enough to stay a little longer. Or not. (From “No way out? 3 ways to help….” )

NEXT:  DBs – TOOLS, #10

Double BINDS – Verbalize (Part 8c)

dmtorbi ACoAs

PREVIOUS: Verbalizing (Part 8b)

SITEs: “Psychological Edge : Own your Assertiveness”

 

❤️ SPEAK UP (Parts a, b)
1. Say what you HEAR and OBSERVE
🔆 D. Binded by OTHERS
2. SAY WHAT’S HIDDEN
〽️ DB-ing OURSELF: We started out trapped by family experiences, then continue trapping ourself because of the pain we don’t want to admit to or confront. (See DMs – Part 8b).  Now we can be reminded that we’re part of the human collective, with many of the same emotions & beliefs.
When we speak our worries out loud – in the right environment, even if we think they’re trivial – it gives people around us a chance to say “Me too!”, some who may never have been able to say it until then.

👩🏽 Remember – to break any D Message, we need to choose one of the 2 options OR find a third one. To do that – we have to know who we are & what works for us. Start by identifying what you need & give yourself permission to do, to have or to feel it, even if there are some who don’t agree.
• Ask: “What do I really want in this particular situation?”
It may be one side of the DB, OR something completely different. List which of the options you want & don’t want. It’s OK to be conflicted but the contradictions will point out the D.Messages you’re telling yourself.say what's hdden

It’s a way to sort out what has more weight – even if both sound appealing of at least acceptable.
• Do you want to go somewhere or stay home?
• Would you rather hang out or work on a project?
• See your family or go to a show?…..
Our personal D.Binds are about internal conflict – health vs disease, resentment vs letting go, obedience vs disobedience to Toxic Rules….

ADMITTING what we’re hiding from ourself LETS us:get help wirh DBs
• be with reasonably clear-minded people who can help us face our underlying fears & confusion
• be more accessible (instead of invisible) to Self & others, especially if we’ve been indirect or distant for a long time
• talk to people as peers, rather than below or above them, or trying to always go it alone
Saying what’s confusing or contradictory will help them understand a little more about how we think & what we need.

RECOVERY EXP: In therapy Maria tackled the issue of feeling suicidal since early childhood, but never overtly acted on. She learned that the impulse partly came from her mother’s DMs:
A. “You’ll be the death of me – yet” (you’re a potential murderer, it’s only a matter of time, you terrible child)  – AND
B. “Of course I love you – you’re my baby!” (as long as you’re just like me – perfect! So don’t be yourself, ie. the Real You has to die.)

• Young Maria could never be ‘perfect’ (please mom), no matter how hard she tried. She was always doing/being something her mother didn’t understand & couldn’t tolerate – because the child was not like her! By the time Maria was 10 she wished she were dead, but suicide was against her religious training.

S & I • As a young woman she ‘chose’ to date men who were not only emotionally abusive, but also physically dangerous. Maybe they would do it for her! But that never ‘worked out’ & she was left  alive having to face the underlying issue

In terms of the DB, it came down to siding with her mother’s messages or her own sanity.
“Either she dies or I die”. Maria chose herself. Even so – her mother lived another 25 yrs, to age 90. Irony? No matter what – Maria’s S & I recovery didn’t have the power to kill her mother, and her mother had not succeeded in destroying her!

Trust your natural Resilience & Resourcefulness. These are not qualities we have to learn or work for. It’s something we’re born with – & the  proof is that we’ve survived many traumatic events.

Depending on how much S-H you have & how much you’ve been shamed for not ‘doing it right’, it may be really hard to believe.  BUT it’s important for your Adult to repeat “I know what I know” until the WIC can catch up.
Self-trust will always demand courage, but that’s OK – we have a lot of that too. Now when we speak up, we find that there are 2 – or more others – who understand, can commiserate & be supportive.

NEXT : DBs – Escaping (#9)

Double BINDS – Verbalizing (Part 8b)

dmtorbi ACoAs

PREVIOUS: Double Binds (Part 8a)

SITE: NLP Logical Levels of Change

BOOK: Double Bind: A Guide to Recovery and Relapse Prevention for  Chemically Dependent Sexual Abuse Survivors

❤️ SPEAK UP about the Double Bind  (cont)
🗝 LANGUAGE components

1. Say what you HEAR and OBSERVE
🔆 D. Binded by OTHERS : When we speak up, some things can shift, if not in the relationship with the S, than for ourself – which is empowering. We can stand up for our rights, & say what we see & hear:
EXP a : “I’m confused! Can we slow down & figure out what we’re really talking about? You’re sending me 2 messages where one cancels out the other.
SO:
a. You say you love me, but in the same sentence tell me you can’t see me / can’t help me out / can’t go with me…. because you’re sooosay what you seeo busy.

If I say it doesn’t feel like you care about me, you ask how I could say such a thing
If I try to explain it, you get angry, insulting & belittling me. SO – there’s no point in responding.”
> OR
b. You say you love me, but then you yell, call me bad names, support others against me, blame & shame me.
If I say it doesn’t feel like you care about me, you ask how I could say that
If try to explain it, you get all hurt & victimy. SO – there’s no point in responding” (More ….)

EXP b: “Please say something that will agree with your body language and facial expression”
• Right now you’re tense & frowning, but say you’re happy to see me. Which is it? Pleased or anxious? — OR
• Right now you’re insulting me but you’re smiling. Those 2 things don’t go together. What are you angry about? Be honest or don’t say anything!

✳️ TALKING to the Sender:
• If the S can’t or won’t talk the problem through with you – at all – work it out with someone else
• If they blatantly deny your observations & feelings, don’t second-guess yourself. Stick to what you know – then you’re free &  clear

• In some cases they may be willing to admit they’re being confusing / controlling, genuinely not realizing what they were doing. That’s good, but they may still not be able or willing to change
• If they are willing to listen, you can state your need for clarity & re-wording – as a wish, & as a desire to eliminate obstacles in your relationship

✳️ USE Re-Framing on Senders  (See Part 8a)
As we make the effort to avoid playing the DB game (DMs, Part 3), it’s important to recognize the S’s reactions when we oppose or ignore them. You’ll get either:

a. Re. themself: ”See how good I am”.
They’ll strongly protest that they’re not appreciated for the benefits they provide you / society. They may tearfully wonder why their benevolence goes unnoticed or undervalued, & ask to be understood as an active agent of ‘good’.
DO NOT fall for it!

b. Re. others: “See how bad you are”.
For a R who mentally or physically wants to get out of their clutches – even a little –  the S will try to strike fear into the ‘anxious heart’, accusing the R of being out-of-control.
And with fake alarm, they’ll talk to anyone who will listen , pointing out the one who opposes them (R)  trying to enlist others in turning the resisting person around! (narcissist’s Enablers or Flying Monkeys = family members, co-workers, neighbors….)

• Re-framing lets us think of Senders as performing a serunmask trickvice – as gifts to help us grow. Their destructive talent is the ‘art of camouflage’, but a knowledgeable person is not fooled by this evil that masquerades as goodness. Stick with the winners & trust your gut instincts.

✳️ Since you can’t win with them anyway, don’t try to placate them or explain yourself!, nor be forced out of “Abiding” (persistent, enduring state of mind,) .even though the extremes of Fight or Yield are always available.
“Being happy is the best revenge”. (Changing DBs, Part 12)

NEXT: 〽️ D. Binded by OURSELF (Part 8c)

Double BINDS – Verbalizing (Part 8a)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, astrology, bible, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

say what you mean SAY WHAT YOU MEAN
but don’t say it mean!

PREVIOUS: Double Binds (# 7)

SITEs: “Escaping from the BD“
✦“Double Bind Insults”

 

❤️ SPEAK UP about the Double Bind (DB) someone has tried to trap you in, because “You’re only as sick as your secrets.” (Al-Anon). DBs can only control us as long as we deliberately ignore our own contradictory beliefs and their contradictory messages (loyalty to toxic family, not trusting our perceptions….), or keep them out of unconsciousness altogether.

🗝 LANGUAGE components help us become aware of embedded “thought viruses” in communication distortions, (use Chart in #6a). To stand up to internal or external D. Messages which put is in a D. Bind, we need to know something about the way people express themselves.
✅ Congruent communication – (matching)
All parts of the communication are consistent, agree with each other, fit together, make sense. (MORE…)
But if what you’re ‘Receiving’ is not self-congruent, make sure you do not participate in the S‘s game of control, by pointing it out the best you can

✅ Meaning
Listen for obvious or subtle contradictions in what someone says – or that you say to yourself – often in the form of CDs.
Where’s the focus? Is the speaker – or you – talking about Thoughts, Emotions, or Actions?
Do the statements make sense? Are there obvious & hidden meanings?
EXP : What are some possible implication to the observation :  “Even Jimmy got an A on that test!”?

✅ Levels
The function of each level-of-meaning is to organize & direct elements from the level below it, each having a greater degree of impact on the individual, organism or system. (Animal is higher, vs cat // Forrest vs tree…. ).
Levels of processes on a behavior level are different than those on a mental level.
EXP: Tying someone up would stop them from physically taking revenge, but not from continuing to plan it. In fact, it will often encourage it. (MORE….)

Learn to discriminate between messages directed to different levels of experience, which automatically helps to distinguish between different levels of distortions (DMs, #1)
LEVELS, from highest to lowest : 
(1) identity (2) beliefs & values (3) capabilities (4) behavior (5) environment (6) spiritual = a type of ‘relational field’ that forms a sense of being part of a larger system beyond one’s individual identity.
EXP: “It’s a sin to lie” (#2)
but “Don’t tell dad what I bought today” (4 or 6) = requires lying.

✅ Meta-messages – a special type of communication, info that are subtle & unspoken but definitely implied, which the R picks up on but can’t prove.
These come in the form of non-verbal signals – tone of voice, body language, vocal sounds (sigh, grunt…) or facial expressions – which contradict the spoken words (incongruent), sending a D.Message

Notice the small visible changes in unspoken cues when someone’s talking (a frown, inappropriate smile or voice tone, clenched fists, stiff posture …) IF they’re at odds with the words being spoken.
EXP: ACoAs are notorious for recounting horrific childhood events while smiling, even laughing!

Paying attention to our anxiety & anger reactions (emotions) – can help to catch on to the mixed messages so we can track & sort out various types of verbal conflicts / distortions (thinking) . It will free us to respond differently to Metas that confuse, reducing the power of the DB, & possibly allow us to give the other person feedback, if desired & appropriate.

ALCOHOLIC RULES: don’t THINK, don’t FEEL, don’t TALK
ACoAs stay trapped in DBs when we hide our fear – from shame, S-H & feeling crazy, assuming others will laugh at or belittle us, cut us off…..

Instead, questioning our beliefs & talking about them weakens the hold DBs have over us.
We can’t afford to let fear & shame stop us! Rather than being lonely & passive victims isolated with our emotional pain & mental confusion, speaking THE ‘truth’ (not just our personal beliefs) lets us own our sanity!

• Given the nature of D. Binds, it’s often necessary & absolutely appropriate to get other people’ perspective to help us sort out the mess – those few who we know to be safe & not caught up in the dilemma we’re fighting to escape. At the very least they can provide company & encouragement! “A burden shared is a burden halved.”

NEXT: DBs – Verbalizing (Part 8b)

Double BINDS – Re-Framing (Part 7)

dmtorbi ACoAs, al-anon, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

sharng foodI CAN SEE THIS ‘MESS’
in a whole new light! 

PREVIOUS: Double Binds (Part 6b)

 

RE-FRAMING (NLP)
• A frame is the focus of attention we give to something (DBs #4a & b).
❖ Re-Framing (R-F) assigns another meaning to any upsetting situation, which helps us identify, interpret & respond to it in new ways.
It’s a powerful tool for solving problems based on assumptions that insure stuck-ness. (See ‘AGREEMENT Frame’)

• Dealing with DBs requires making cognitive leaps by using a broader perspective, by putting toxic communications into a larger context. While re-framing by itself seldom resolves a problem, it offers a way to “softening it” so a solution can be uncovered that’s acceptable, if not always always liked.

Re-framing asks “How can I think about or respond to this differently?”
a shift that leads to self-empowerment, with higher functioning & satisfaction, taking us from no-win to no-lose. (MORE…)

• ACoAs are used to feeling trapped (‘Learned Helplessness’), but eventually in Recovery we can come to value the inherent freedom of dealing with OR resolving DBs. (also: Seligman – slideshare ). While we originally experienced DBs as a horrible trap, we can now see them as opportunities to choose what works for
«

«
As adults we have many different emotional reactions & possible points of view about life’s events – like how we grieve a death differently, or how we show love. This means we can’t be “wrong” when expressing our True Self.
★ Damage is the same for everyone, but our essence is specific to us, so we can learn about & pursue our own style! (Grieving & DBs)

TYPES of Re-Framing
🧩 Context
We can start with figuring out where a ‘problem situation’ or reaction would fit better – the most appropriate context that would make ithe situation useful, or an asset or skill
EXP: Dancing in the isles in a conservative church / synagogue / mosque would be severely frowned on, but not at a Pentecostal or African-American Baptist church!

🧩 Content
We can shift the focus, either to a different part of the problem, by asking : “What else could this mean?”
OR seeing that the same situation can have several meanings – good, bad or different

EXP: I see someone frowning ‘at me’. Are they annoyed with me? OR maybe they’re preoccupied :
• worrying about a sick loved one
• thinking about a problem they need to solve
• looking at someone/ thing past my shoulder that upset them….—> none of which is about me !

🧩Value
Changing the meaning of a word or term is often done in marketing, where the same product is given a totally new purpose, a different use &/or presented to new markets.
It can also be the way a phrase is accented, as in the picture ◀️
EXP: Many pre-Christmas retailers will say they’ll help you “Pay less” with special deals, but the Berlin lingerie store Blush recommends a ‘smaller’ holiday gift : “Make your loved one happy with less!”

DB QUESTIONS
At some point we may run into someone who loves to ask unfair or impossible DB Qs – the kind that try to force the answer the (S) wants, no matter what you actually  want.  Unless we can step outside the Bind, we’ll be in a catch-22 – angry & possibly humiliated.

These Qs are usually made up of 2 parts: Reference to a ‘bad’ thing or an assumed action PLUS its frequency (★ MORE…. )
The S starts with an accusation OR assumption about you, then asks if you’re ‘still at it’ or ‘will be doing it’.
By framing the Q as closed, you’re expected to only give a Yes/No or other one-word answer, without a chance to address the actual topic
EXP: “Are still lying? / Have you stopped beating your wife? / When do you want to help us? / How much money can you contribute?”….

• RE-FRAMING: The only sane & self-respecting way to handle this kind of verbal trickery is to treat it as if you heard an open question, so that you respond to the underlying assumption rather than the closed question.
EXP: “What makes you think I’m a liar? / I’ve never beaten my wife & never will / I don’t have time in my schedule to help / I’ve already contribute all I can”…. (Open vs Closed Qs)

NEXT: DBs – Part 8a

Double BINDS – STAYING AWAKE (Part 6b)

dmtorbi ACoAs

PREVIOUS: Double Binds (Part 6a)

 

📣 IMPERATIVE
❗️ VERBALIZE
❓CHART

❇️ TEASING OUT Double Messages (which lead to DBs)
They’re not just very confusing, they’re devastating – as long as =
= we don’t recognize ‘craziness’ when we hear it, AND
= try to make sense of another person’s over-reaction or distortion of reality, which never has / had anything to do with us.
Without a clear understanding of LOGIC (mental clarity), & still believing we’ve done something wrong – we’re kept under the Sender’s mental / emotional spell.unraveling DBs

EXPs of power-less people
✧ Children : threatened with punishment for speaking about abuse or bullying. BUT If they don’t tell, the abuse continues.
✧ Women can be penalized in the workplace for lack of assertiveness AND lack of femininity, with no approved middle ground
✧ African-Americans identifying racist words & actions are told to “watch your tone”, no matter how gently & respectfully they’re pointed out

Re. ANGER 
1. If you’re consistently very angry or uncomfortable by the way someone talks to you,  they may just be mean, dismissive or unavailable.
2. But if you’re also very confused & ‘feel’ crazy, you’ve probably absorbed in the hopelessness of being put in a DB.

3. A totally different reason for being very angry at the Sender (E) comes up when you finally get what they’re really doing. This anger is not from intense frustration but rather that your ‘new’ awareness has causes a crack in some deeply held denial about them, which you’re ready to face now.
You can tell, because this emotional reaction (E) does NOT include mental confusion (T). It’s clear. it just hurts!

ain greement The IFs
👶🏼 In any case, first ask your Inner Child what it’s saying about itself. If you hear any form of self-blame, (“I can’t do anything right, I’m such a mess….”), the WIC is definitely agreeing with the family’s Toxic Rules.
However, if you’ve been subjected to a DB, the WIC is twisting what it heard, using it against itself rather than hearing the twist in what the other person actually said / meant

🧔🏻 If you do catch on, then check in with your Logical Adult ego state for a rational evaluation of what is being said. It’s absolutely OK to ask some healthy people to help you clarify & verify your conclusions
IF the Adult’s version of the DB communication is quite different from your WIC’s, and others agree that you’re NOT crazy – you can help your Child unravel the confusion & eliminate S-H

👨‍👦 IF the Adult & the Inner Child are both saying there’s something wrong with the messages you’re getting, you’re a lot closer to being free! The less internal conflict between parts of yourself (ego states) the healthier you are and the easier it is to protect yourself.

IF you still feel emotionally confused & mentally lost, test the rules / demands / statements….for D.Messages, by first boiling them down to their underlying implications, to see where they’re contradictory, as in ‘DMs,#2’.
EXPs to get you started:
👀 “It’s a good thing that X is….”, AND “It’s a bad thing that -the same- X is….” (both must be agreed about and accepted)

👀 “You should/must do/be X (be smart)… to please me” AND “You should/must not do/be X (be smart)… in order to please me”

👀 “You’re bad when you X….” AND “You’re good when you X…”
👀 “I love it when it is X….” AND “I hate it when it is X….”

teasingEXP: Someone teases you & your feelings are hurt. If you complain, an S-type will say: “You’re too sensitive. What’s the matter, can’t you take a joke?”
But, if YOU tease someone else, those same people will say: “That was a mean, cruel, vicious thing to say. No wonder nobody likes you.”
Lose-Lose Meanings:
A – You’re bad (weak) when you don’t like my teasing, AND 
B – You’re bad (mean) when you tease others
Said another way:
A – I disapprove of you when you’re over-sensitive (for yourself) – AND
B – I disapprove of you when you’re under-sensitive (to me)

NEXT: DBs, Part 7

Double BINDS – STAYING AWAKE (Part 6a)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

IF I’M GOING TO GET MYSELF FREE
I’m going to have to pay close attention

PREVIOUS: Double Binds (Part 5b)

BOOK: “Switch: How to Change Things When Change Is Hard” ~ Chip & Dan Heath (review…..)

GETTING STARTED
D. Binds, created by D. Messages, are like being called over to someone who is crooking their index finger, meaning “Come to me, my darling,” – but when you get there they slap your face.
Or being told, “Darling, tell me how you feel,” but then when you do, they sarcastically sneer that you’re being dramatic, hateful, over-sensitive, crazy, ridiculous, immature….

📣 IMPERATIVE : We can not afford to mentally blank out when dealing with controlling, narcissistic, double-binding people – which is what the WIC does when terrified & trying to disappear (dissociating).
It will make a big difference to your well-being if you stay awake for how you feel around people who do the come-here-go-away dance or give other kinds of DMs.

🔺Identifying the specific D. Messages you’ve been getting is crucial so you know what you’re dealing with, & then figure a way out.
If one specific person you’re around is a S, you’re probably angry a lot of the time, but may not recognize it as that specific emotion. And underneath the anger – you’re really scared of displeasing or losing them – whether you can feel that deeper layer or not.

❗️VERBALIZE what’s going on. You’re only in a full Double Bind while the contradictory statements you’ve been subjected to remain unconscious. Once they’re articulated, they lose some of their force. Questioning AND objecting to the contradictions, & getting external support, can often help with our own internal distorted beliefs

EXP of self-hating D.Message (More….. )  Also DM Part 7b)
a. Having many PTSD symptoms means I’m broken, worthless -BUT-
b. Admitting to only a few symptoms means the abuse wasn’t that bad
c. I’m not supposed to notice the abuse that really happened, nor help to heal the aftereffects

❓CHART: Use it for your own DBs, to figure out what were imposed on you by another person or institution. 📕 Expand & add columns as needed
Re. RESULTS: Internally – what’s already happened
Externally: what you fear will happen
Re. OPTIONS: The one best suited to your personality & current circumstances
Final RESULTS – of your choice, in T.E.A. terms

«
Fill in columns for each part of the Double/Triple BIND you’re in, in as much detail as you can. DO a little, then add as you figure more out. Include:
🔸 (A,B,C) Conflicting commands & Consequences, from yourself or others
🔸 Blatant & subtle Punishments
🔸 Any attempts to unhook yourself, successful or not
🔸 What happened – in yourself or from others / overall outcome
🔸 If still stuck, why you’re still in it (internal reasons)….
“Beating the DBs” and post “Negative Benefits”

• Since DBs are often stacked together, it’s necessary to unravel them statement by statement – like parsing a sentence. See how many parts you can identify in the following abusive, distorted manipulative communications:
EXP – Toxic Parent to actual Child
“Now you want my help! Hah! I never got into this kind of trouble when I was a kid. Surprise me by doing something right for a change, I’d like that!”
“You should be ashamed of yourself. Listen to me, you’ve got to take control over your life. Stop questioning what I tell you. I’ve been around a lot longer than you have, you know.”

EXP – Authority to ‘Problem’ Person / Patient
“You have to accept that you are X (mentally ill, addict, out-of-control, raging, self-destructive…) before we can help you. We’re only doing this for your own good, out of love and compassion for you, even though you are X (the label).”

“When you say that — “we are the problem, that we’re doing this to suit ourselves because we don’t like the way you are —  it only proves that you are indeed X (the label)”

NEXT: DBs – Staying Awake, Part 6b

Double BINDS – Options (Part 5b)

dmtorbi ACoAs

PREVIOUS: DB – Options (Part 5a)

 

OPTIONS in dealing with DBs (cont)
1. DO LESS
2. INTERMEDIATE option

3. PICK ONE: Eventually, as you get emotionally stronger & with the right support, the most common option is to choose one of the 2 opposing positions presented to you, & stick to it – the one you prefer & can live with.pick one
EXP : SO – between “I encourage you to go back to school” and “I discourage you from going back to school”
– YOU choose the one YOU want, even if you understand & maybe even sympathize with the other person’s needs & fears (of abandonment or envy …. (Use FORM A, part 2)

4. “And now for something COMPLETELY DIFFERENT” (Monty Python): Look for a 3rd alternative which suits you but does not deal with either part of the DB, as mentioned before – by what cadet James T Kirk did on the Kobayashi Maru test.

There may be a middle way between compliance & escape, especially important when you’re in a relationship with a S you’re not ready or willing to leave (boss, spouse, parent, adult-child….).

a. It can be done by directing the S’s attention to a point outside the DB.
In the medical example from ‘Double Messages’ Part 4b, instead of getting angry, defensive or wounded, one could say: “Let’s just focus on understanding my present symptoms & how to treat them.”

b. It can come from noticing a missing part of the DB – a loophole – as a possible exit from the trap.
EXP: Carla on Cheers always turned an insult aimed at her – back on the speaker, by changing the meaning of their words. No matter how obvious the slur, her response would usually be “So what’s your point?” LOVE IT!

imagesEXP: from the Calvin & Hobbs cartoon, using Tropes:
> Teacher: “Explain Newton’s First Law of Motion in your own words”.
> Calvin: (writing) Yakka foob mog. Grub pubbawup zink chumble spuzz. (to camera: “I love loopholes!”).

c. It can be done by changing one part of the pattern. Helping yourself to feel differently about an apparent double bind can be a starting point to escape the claustrophobic prison of a ‘no-win’ situation

EXP : An artist was commanded to paint a flattering portrait of his one-eyed king. He would be executed if he failed to show a faithful likeness, but would meet the same fate if it revealed any imperfections in his majesty. All was well when the royal portrait was finally unveiled. It showed the king taking aim with bow and arrow – with the bad eye firmly closed.

EXP : A woman wanting to stop smoking but not gain weight afterward, was encouraged to find a food plan that would ‘protect’ her. She re-tooled her diet & exercise style first – & then quit the cigs. Changing one part of her life-pattern made room for other parts to shift more easily.

5. SLIGHT of MOUTH** – If physical detachment is not possible, the pattern can be dented if not broken, by commenting on or questioning the essence of the D.Messages leading to the DB.
EXPs of what to say:
• “Thinking in no-win terms creates no-win results. Is that your goal?”
• “What are you trying to accomplish? You can’t have both, so which do you really want?”
• “You only believe that because you haven’t considering the impact or consequence of what you’re saying”
• “Have you noticed that your statements put me in a no-win situation?”
• “How do you figure out or explain the difference between those opposing ideas?”
• “If those ideas belong together, do they only apply to you or to everyone?” (More)

**Slight of Mouth, a cousin of the magician’s slight-of-hand, was created in the 1970s by founders of NLP as a tool for persuading people to change their beliefs or actions. It’s a powerful set of re-framing patterns, consisting of 14 precise ways to speak to others, which can create or force a particular outcome.  (“Sleight of Mouth” patterns)

NEXT: DBs – Facing ourselves (#6a)