ACoAs – HUMILITY (Part 2)

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THE MORE SELF-ESTEEM
the more humility!

PREVIOUS: Arrogance vs HUMILITY (2a)

SITES: ‘’HUMILITY – the most beautiful word in the English Language’’

INTELLECTUAL HUMILITY (extensive)

 


MARKERS
re. ONESELF
THEY:
• know their inner worth, not depending on out-performing others, or having to always be ’the first, the best, the most…. ’
• don’t have to frantically chase some intangible or unrealistic degree of importance, success, fame or power

• have an honest, accurate assessment of their talents, limits & areas that need improving. Can admit mistakes, & ask for forgiveness
• have a clear perspective of reality, respecting their place in whatever context they’re in
• can handle frustrating situations with a genuine sense of peace, since they respond, rather than react, to life’s challenges. Able to control their temper
ARE:
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• able to value but not spoil themselves (to every whim of the WIC). Humble self-respect is not attracted to superficial or unhealthy behavior

• good for the sake of being good, admitting they’re as human as everyone else
• OK with being an ordinary/ average person (even when ‘special’, gifted, ‘important’), not needing to be part of some ‘in crowd’ to feel acceptable
ARE:
• teachable – assuming there’s always more to learn about & from all PPT
• courteous, respectful, not pretentious, not boastful or gloating about their accomplishments
• happy to work behind the scenes when required or appropriate, knowing their work is as important as any done in the spotlight
• Willing to yield the right to be right. Do not demand their rights

MARKERS re. OTHERS
ARE:

• motivated to help people, aware that others have needs too
• compassionate & look for the best in others (realistically). Give others the benefit of the doubt
• able & willing to forgive others, letting go of grudges & bitterness
• comfortable with others’ success. H prevents embarrassing themselves in competitive situations
THEY: 
• know they need others, so allow themselves to be open & vulnerable rather than closed & ‘distant’
• show honest interest in others, by asking about their lives & accomplishments
• treat each person as someone of value, regardless of position in society, profession, age or economic status
• don’t pre-judge others’ behavior – knowing that everyone has their own reasons for doing things (that are annoying), even if they don’t know or never find out what those are
THEY:
• ask Qs & love dialogue (not assume they know), & use conversation to explore new worlds
• speak simply, not trying to manipulate or trip others up
• ALSO put energy & effort into listening
• don’t gossip, especially about faults they see in others
• respect those in authority, & pray for them to have wisdom

Social Activism: One form H is in the area of reform, such as in thhelp otherse 2013 workshop by Melanie Marie Tervalon “Cultural Humility: Working in Partnership with Families & Communities”.
Included topics were: Reversing health disparities in the US / Using the tools of cultural competence & cultural humility at work

In Business: Humility is studied as a multi-dimensional trait, which includes awareness, self-understanding, openness & perspective ability. People with these qualities are valued because they tend to be more generous, selfless & altruistic

• Jim Collins, in “Built To Last: Successful Habits of Visionary Companies” (1994), says humility is a key ingredient at the highest level of executive ability. “Humility + Will = Level 5 leaders, who are a study in duality – modest and willful, shy and fearless, patient yet express fierce resolve.” (MORE….)

Arrogant leaders can do well in business, but rarely create lasting relationships because they doesn’t inspire loyalty & trust. They often find themselves surrounded by users who are all too happy to take advantage of the egotist’s ruthless & obsessive need to ‘make good’, but will jump ship at the first sign of trouble

humble leadersConfident leaders also succeed, but not at the expense of others. They have broader spheres of influence, attract better talent, inspire more confidence, loyalty & respect. Truly H people are quietly self-assured, giving them more determination & commitment

Humble LEADER come from a position of strength, & are more persuasive. They HAVE the:
• courage to set aside personal gain to benefit others
• character to respond charitably when attacked
• candor to be honest, & ability to change course if necessary (MORE….)

SITEs: 3 Reasons to Be Humble: People, Agility, and Growth”, re. entrepreneurs
Humility: The Foundation Value of Innovation Leadership”

NEXT: 4 Parenting styles (Part 1)

Being CONFIDENT (Part 2)

confidence balance    

I BALANCE the EXTREMES BETWEEN
healthy & unhealthy,
too much & too little….

PREVIOUS: Being Confident (#1)

QUOTE: “Kindness in Thinking creates Profoundness. Kindness in Words creates Confidence. Kindness in Giving creates Love.” (&) “When you are content to simply be yourself, & don’t compete or compare, everyone will respect you.” Lao Tzu

REMINDER: Do NOT let yourself get overwhelmed by this list. It’s meant to be a guide, qualities to work towards. Looking at the cup half full – or more – notice & then acknowledge when you have expressed a little of any one of these in your daily life, give yourself a pat on the back, & remind your Inner Child of your progress!

CONFIDENT People (cont):
take responsibility for their thought, emotions & actions. This includes all their positive parts, as well as the less ideal ones. They don’t need to blame others when things don’t work out, but also don’t take on blame for things that have nothing to do with them

can be alone with their own thoughts. They know that mental GIGO means thinking, reading & listening to positive, healthy, enjoyable things, which can improve their knowledge & lift the spirit.
Their inner dialogue is not harsh from S-H, nor confused by the PP, or fear od abandonment & lack of self-awareness.
So they don’t have to fill every minute with conversation, technology (TV, e-mail, cellphones, texting, web surfing, playing games….) & other drugs & time-wasters, in order to numb out

S.M.A.R.T.

‘keep it simple’. Whenever possible they find the simplest, sanest way to do things, no matter where they are or who they’re dealing with.
They never have to re-invent the wheel, & don’t hang out in convoluted, torturous thinking, drama or awful-izing. Knowing who they are & what they want, they can think clearly, so don’t easily get sidetracked or manipulated

THEY:
trust their instincts.  They pay careful attention to their environment, pick up on non-verbal cues, listen to the feeling in their gut & the still small voice in their head. They do not ignore these cues, even tho they can’t be explained logically. Instincts are an important tool in their bag of life skills, guiding them on their path, helping to make the best choices

accept help whenever they need it. They’re not ashamed of not knowing everything, or of not being able getting helpto do everything themselves, so are not afraid to ask for & receive emotional support & practical help. Confident people are secure enough to admit having limitations, & don’t see that as a sign of weakness.
They know that when searching for help they pay someone a huge compliment – it shows genuine respect for that person’s expertise & judgment. Otherwise they wouldn’t have asked. They’re eager to learn from others

• take care of themselves. They don’t wait for others to do for them what they can do for themselves.  They’re willing to learn easier & better ways to do things, & find procedures to make their life less complicated or stressful

are optimistic. They have a realistic view of their future, knowing from experience that bad situations eventually right themselves, & that many stressors can be overcome with sensible plans. They have the ability to see the light at the end of the tunnel, & plan their journey toward it.
Optimism allows confident people to believe they’ll be OK, no matter how bad the current situation may seem. They never give up, but know it’s good to regularly take a break

In reality, everyone experiences  an occasional knock to their self-worth. In those cases, confident people take time out to question their motives & review their choices, but don’t get paralyzed. Their mind is focused on solutions, so they take actions as soon as possible, or keep working towards a better outcome in the future. One antidote to doubt is an increase in productive activity. (CHART – confidence vs doubt)

 

NEXT: Confident People (Part 3)

Principles of Character – Outline (Part 1)

self-awareness  

THESE ARE THE QUALITIES
I aspire to, a day-at-a-time

PREVIOUS: “Keep the focus on yourself” means? (Part 2)

REMINDER: See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

REVIEW: What is Character (many posts)

PRINCIPLES for CHARACTER EDUCATION (Modified from TeachingValues.com)

PRINCIPLES –> Values –> Comments

1 ATTRACTION: Courage, Discernment, Self-awareness
We attract whatever we put our attention to, which makes it bigger. If we don’t do anything to limit our destructive impulses, life becomes increasingly difficult for us to control. By staying awake & using discernment, we can see the difference between what’s helping or harming us. Then we need the courage to take steps toward health, by eliminating negative desires that attract chaos into our lives. (See “ACoAs & Risk“)

2 CAUSE & EFFECT : Accountability, Good Intentions, Restraint
According to the ‘law of the universe’ – for every action there’s an equal re-action. When we realize that we’re accountable for our thoughts, words & actions, we’re willing to own that motivates our actions, & recognize the wisdom of restraint
 (See “Keep the focus on yourself” and “Fear of Responsibility“)

3 DEVOTION : Concentration, Calmness, Focuscalmness
We can connect with Creative Intelligence by taking the time to go inside, to our True Self, not the false ego. This applies to everyone, by being calm, & concentrating on higher thoughts, whether through prayer, song, meditation or a walk in the woods. When we focus our lives on spiritual principles & actions, we connect with the Divine

4 FAITH : Trust, Hope, Patience
There is a Loving Intelligence that pervades all things. All that is necessary is for us to maintain our trust and hope, even though we live in the midst of uncertainty. Faith is our willingness to take the next step without fear or looking back, yet have the patience to allow Divine Order to work through our situation without trying to force the results ourselves. (See “Lack of Trust and Healthy Trusting“)

5 FORGIVENESS : Compassion, Mercy, Understandingforgiveness
Forgiveness is a conscious act that frees us from the damaging image of ourselves as a victim. It dissolves the poison of resentment which acts as blocks to the Universal Reality. Because we choose a new understanding of our situation, we can be free to extend mercy and compassion to ourselves, as well as to those who have wronged us. This reconnects us back to our Real Self.

6 GRATITUDE: Generosity, Magnanimity, Appreciation
The true state of Universal Reality is abundance. When we are grateful and appreciate what life has to offer, it indicates to the Universe that we accept whatever has been given to us, and that we lack nothing. If we want to attract more prosperity into our lives, we need to start thinking magnanimously, and be generous to all of life. Tcopoperationhis then opens up the flow of supply into our world,- because whatever we give to life returns to us.

7 HARMONY : Optimism, Co-operation, Enthusiasm
One of the universal laws is that we can choose what thoughts we want to focus on. When we choose negative ones,  which lead to painful emotions, our lives become infinitely more stressful and complex, as we lose the inner connection with the Infinite. When we choose to be optimistic, cooperative and enthusiastic rather than being a victim of unhappiness, we remain in control of ourselves and maintain inner quiet.

8 HUMILITY: Modesty, Unpretentious, Gentleness
Through an attitude of modesty and un-pretentiousness, we realize we don’t have to raise ourselvintegrityes up with self-importance. God in His own way and time will reward us with whatever we need, as long as we rid ourselves of pride and hold on to an attitude of gentleness toward all life. See “Humiliation“, and “Arrogance vs Humility”)

9 INTEGRITY : Truthfulness, Courage, Sincerity, Honesty
Our connection to our inner reality is strengthened when we align our thoughts, words and actions with truth, and have the courage act with sincerity and honesty. This is letting go of our own will and honoring the Divine Will instead. (SeeWhy ACoAs Lie)

NEXT: Character (Part 2)

Positive Character: ‘PERSONALITY’

THE BETTER MY SELF-ESTEEM
the better my relationships

Previous: Char. Traits & Contrasts

See ACRONYM Page for abbrev.

 

ENTHUSIASM / HUMOR
“Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm,” Ralph Waldo Emerson.
This is having enthusiasm about performing all types of jobs (large or small), because it generates a lot of energy, & make us far more likely to succeed. When we believe in what we’re doing, we’re excited & look forward to achieving a goal. It’s about keeping a good attitude (thoughts), even when faced with unpleasant conditions, & expressing joy in each task as we give it our best effort.

We humorcan help people smile & feel relaxed by seeing the lighter side of things. Humor can help to better cope with pain, which enhances our immune system & reduces stress. Laughter is an essential part of a healthy, happy life.  EXP:
• be an energy-giver to others  • treat every job as important  • see the foolishness of human self-importance  • take some time every day to laugh, be playful  • don’t stay discouraged but find what’s already positive in your life

FLEXIBILITY
The ability to respond easily & appropriately to new or changing emotional moods or physical conditions in our environment – by changing or modifying our actions & beliefs when needed, without flexiblegreat agitation or drama. Willing to shift plans or ideas given by authority figures who we need to deal with.  Flexible thinking : Consider new or different explanations for an event or a chain of events (reframing).
EXP:
• don’t get upset when plans change • respect the decisions of others • don’t be stubborn • look for the good in changes • don’t compromise what’s right

HONESTY / INTEGRITY
“Earning future trust by accurately reporting past facts.” It means to act according to the values, beliefs & principles we claim to hold (internally consistent, opposite of hypocrisy) Proof: being the same when alone as we are when around others. It’s to always speak the truth, & generally – show up in a genuine way, without pretense. Be honest & accurate in our actions, not hiding something in order to ‘get over’.  Take responsibility for our feelings & actions.

Being honest eliminates guilt & shame, while increasing our self-confidence & sense of inner peace. Only do or say things we believe in our heart, &honesty
go after what you want – fairly. Be honorable in intentions & actions, which makes us trustworthy. Being considerate comes from respecting oneself & others
EXP:
• able to admit to making a mistake • return items that don’t belong to us • not be manipulative  • be fair in our dealing with others • be true to our deepest self  • be able to tolerate disagreements  • don’t exaggerate to make ourselves or things seem bigger or better than they are

HUMILITY/ MODESTY (unpretentious)
Modesty is an expression of self-confidence that helps make a balanced & fair assessment of our abilities & character. It encourages collaboration, since modest people have nothing to gain from bragging & nothing to lose by being vulnerable. 
It’s letting one’s accomplishments speak for themselves – being free from vanity, egotism, boastfulness, or great pretensions (not having to show off). POST: ACoAs – Arrogance vs Humility humility
Having an inflated self-concept actually hinders achievement, because it ignores the possibility of self-improvement, sacrifice & hard work. Humility does NOT mean being self-deprecating or hiding ones talents. But it’s a necessary control on the natural human tendency to think of ourselves more highly than is good either for ourselves or our community. It means not always having to be right or prove our point.
EXP:
• respect ourselves & others  • appreciate how others have helped us  • be thankful  • don’t need to out-do others by making ourselves look better or smarter • value what we have & all the good around us  • listen at least as much as we speak  • being ‘grounded’ (humus = earth – Latin)Positive Character:

NEXT: Positive Character – Knowledge #2

RECOVERY – What it IS & IS NOT (Part 1)

in with the new 

OUT WITH THE OLD, IN WITH THE NEW
Dismantling the old patterns

PREVIOUS: Self-esteem IS

SITEBenefits of a Gratitude List

 

IS NOT…❖…expecting to get unconditional love and perfect sanity from any human. It’s unrealistic, but the Wounded Inner Child demands it anyway. Now – when we don’t get it, we accuse others of abandoning us!

IS…❧…understanding that in adult relationships –  each person has their own needs.  Since our parents couldn’t give us unconditional love, when it would have been ‘normal’, we can only look for it now from ourselves, our pets & our Higher Power.  As we interact with healthier people we will receive more appropriate companionship – be mirrored, understood, respected, considered, loved…but never perfectly!
🦋

IS NOT…❖…being free of emotions (Es) that were unacceptable in our family, controlling our Es or trying to have ‘appropriate’ Es. Those are signs of damaged thinking – (CDs) – NOT the same as being in control of our behavior!

IS…❧…accepting all emotions as legitimate. Humans are built with the capacity AND the need to feel. Es are the natural indicators of our reaction to any experience – to let us know whether something is good or bad for us. Re.T.E.A. —
Actions may, or may not, be good, & can be corrected, over time
• Unhealthy Thoughts can be reframed & replaced, when harmful or incorrect
finger Es
Es just are. They can go from very joyful <–to–> very painful, but are never good or bad! We need to have access to a wide range of Es, with many shades. It gives us a sense of vibrancy & allows us to connect with others.
Only looking seeing everything in B & W = tv, paintings, walls, clothes….. can become quite boring. Suppressing or narrowing down Es (to 1 or 2, like rage or fear) will make us cold, hard, distant & ultimately limited, one-dimensional.
The intensity & depth of our emotional reservoir (old childhood pain) is so great that it will never be completely empty.  Accept this & learn how to manage Es rather than trying to spiritualize them away!
(review “Feelings Aren’t Facts” posts) (MORE re. hand-emotions)
🦋

IS NOT…❖…trying to fix our childhood damage, to eliminate all character defects & do is easily and quickly.  Any effort to fix ourselves means we think we’re bad, that our badness is our own fault, SO we’re responsible for doing anything we can to eradicate it. (BTW, this is one of the reasons why many ACoAs want to be dead)

IS…❧…accepting that alcoholism & co-dependence have left deep scars & emotional hangovers. (ACoA site) These will take our life-time to gradually heal. Being human means we’ll never be perfect – but Recovery IS truly possible!damage?
Many have proven it.
Humility (not humiliation) is acknowledging our human limitations, with a consistent willingness to evaluate ourselves with compassion, in honesty & reality, modifying our thoughts & action so we can reach our own goals
🦋

IS NOT…❖…being ‘serene’ all the time.
• To always be pleasant, kind, honest, thoughtful…is a disguise for a wide range of emotions we don’t find acceptable
• To still be the good boy / girl, in the present, is the symbiotic need for our family’s approval, rather than becoming our own person
• Forever trying to be ‘so good’ is a negation of our legitimate rage & pain of childhood abandonment

IS...❧…gaining genuine serenity, based on a solid emotional, mental & spiritual foundation – from the inside.  This creates the unshakable knowledge that we are ok even when we’re in pain, under pressure, not understood or supported.  We can have upheaval, express intense pain / anger… and still be at peace, deep down.  Serenity is the by-product of knowing & accepting ourselves in the moment, trusting our gut, having a great support system & a loving H. P.

NEXT: RECOVERY IS / IS NOT #2