PARENTS BLAMING US (Part 1) 

being blamed 

WHY IS IT ALWAYS MY FAULT?
No matter what I do, it’s wrong!

PREVIOUS: Rebellion vs Compliance #2

SEE posts : What is Guilt?
What is Shame?
• ACoAs’ Need for Revenge


INTRO

There is a lot of talk in the ‘spiritual’ community about forgiveness, ie – that we should not be blamers.
Not blaming ourselves (S-H) or others (attacks) is a good rule for us in the present – now that we’re adults. And that’s a discussion for another post.

However, those same teachers & preachers never talk about what was done to us as kids – that among many other types of harm, our parents unfairly, inappropriately blamed us for all kinds of things – and what that did to our tender & vulnerable developing sense of identity!

This post is about what happened TO US as children. A hallmark of alcoholic (& other emotionally unhealthy) families is the mistreatment of their children in all 4 of life’s aspects: Spiritual, Emotional, Mental, Physical (PMES).

😿 Parents blaming their children for ANYTHING is ABUSIVE. Blaming us is the same as holding us responsible for their deficiencies & unhappiness.
Remember – abuse is not just physical, in all its forms.

It encompasses all the ways people harm others – especially their children – by injuring another’s rights, self-esteem, mental clarity, sense of safety, emotional equilibrium & boundaries. So Blame fits into 3 categories – S, M & E.

👥 A variation on Blame is a constant negative COMPARISON with a dead or living sibling, another relative, a famous person….
“Why can’t you be more like ____”

1. IN OUR CHILDHOOD
Damaged parents blamed you for things which :
a. were NOT your fault
• difficulties because of a learning disability, like dyslexia or ADD
• the illness or death of a parent; a parent being left by a lover or spouse…

b. was a projection
of what the parents were guilty of being (fearful, irresponsible, lazy, feeling unlovable, risk-averse….)

c. you were not doing
what you were accused of
• being a ‘whore’ when you were too young to have had sex at all OR
• of seducing a parent’s lover/ spouse, when that adult was actually sexually abusing the child
• of using drugs when you never did – at least not at the point…)
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d. you couldn’t do, especially without any instruction, & then accused of being stupid
• when you legitimately couldn’t know something (fixing a car or other machinery, shopping by themselves, ‘getting
• a hard school subject
• expected to know how to fix a parent’s personal, sexual & financial problems or forced to take care of a drunk or crazy parent, alone…
e. were actually no one’s fault such as • an act of God
• being born with a physical or mental limitation
•  getting severely ill or having an accident…

f.
 something one of your siblings or other child did, but we were held responsible for, especially if you were the Hero or Scapegoat (start a fight; steal or break something; get into trouble at school…)

g. your parents were jealous of, because they couldn’t do something you could (a natural skill or gift) & so they made that ability a bad thing

h. was mostly not true
• always lying (“Kids always lie so we can’t believe anything they say”)
Screen Shot 2016-06-12 at 5.06.44 AM• always being stubborn, selfish, too sensitive, difficult, disobedient, stupid….

➼ This last category are a group of normal childhood characteristics which:
√ sick parent cannot tolerate because of their own issues
√ occur sometimes as a defense in the child because of family abuse & neglect…
√ happens occasionally because kids are human ie. imperfect.
Those behaviors & attitudes then get demonized – which make them both a ‘sin’ and more likely to continue, while we try to be perfect. We CAN’T WIN in a sick environment.

NEXT: ACoAs’ need for revenge

Principles of Character – Outline (Part 1)

self-awareness  

THESE ARE THE QUALITIES
I aspire to, a day-at-a-time

PREVIOUS: “Keep the focus on yourself” means? (Part 2)

REMINDER: See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

REVIEW: What is Character (many posts)

PRINCIPLES for CHARACTER EDUCATION (Modified from TeachingValues.com)

PRINCIPLES –> Values –> Comments

1 ATTRACTION: Courage, Discernment, Self-awareness
We attract whatever we put our attention to, which makes it bigger. If we don’t do anything to limit our destructive impulses, life becomes increasingly difficult for us to control. By staying awake & using discernment, we can see the difference between what’s helping or harming us. Then we need the courage to take steps toward health, by eliminating negative desires that attract chaos into our lives. (See “ACoAs & Risk“)

2 CAUSE & EFFECT : Accountability, Good Intentions, Restraint
According to the ‘law of the universe’ – for every action there’s an equal re-action. When we realize that we’re accountable for our thoughts, words & actions, we’re willing to own that motivates our actions, & recognize the wisdom of restraint
 (See “Keep the focus on yourself” and “Fear of Responsibility“)

3 DEVOTION : Concentration, Calmness, Focuscalmness
We can connect with Creative Intelligence by taking the time to go inside, to our True Self, not the false ego. This applies to everyone, by being calm, & concentrating on higher thoughts, whether through prayer, song, meditation or a walk in the woods. When we focus our lives on spiritual principles & actions, we connect with the Divine

4 FAITH : Trust, Hope, Patience
There is a Loving Intelligence that pervades all things. All that is necessary is for us to maintain our trust and hope, even though we live in the midst of uncertainty. Faith is our willingness to take the next step without fear or looking back, yet have the patience to allow Divine Order to work through our situation without trying to force the results ourselves. (See “Lack of Trust and Healthy Trusting“)

5 FORGIVENESS : Compassion, Mercy, Understandingforgiveness
Forgiveness is a conscious act that frees us from the damaging image of ourselves as a victim. It dissolves the poison of resentment which acts as blocks to the Universal Reality. Because we choose a new understanding of our situation, we can be free to extend mercy and compassion to ourselves, as well as to those who have wronged us. This reconnects us back to our Real Self.

6 GRATITUDE: Generosity, Magnanimity, Appreciation
The true state of Universal Reality is abundance. When we are grateful and appreciate what life has to offer, it indicates to the Universe that we accept whatever has been given to us, and that we lack nothing. If we want to attract more prosperity into our lives, we need to start thinking magnanimously, and be generous to all of life. Tcopoperationhis then opens up the flow of supply into our world,- because whatever we give to life returns to us.

7 HARMONY : Optimism, Co-operation, Enthusiasm
One of the universal laws is that we can choose what thoughts we want to focus on. When we choose negative ones,  which lead to painful emotions, our lives become infinitely more stressful and complex, as we lose the inner connection with the Infinite. When we choose to be optimistic, cooperative and enthusiastic rather than being a victim of unhappiness, we remain in control of ourselves and maintain inner quiet.

8 HUMILITY: Modesty, Unpretentious, Gentleness
Through an attitude of modesty and un-pretentiousness, we realize we don’t have to raise ourselvintegrityes up with self-importance. God in His own way and time will reward us with whatever we need, as long as we rid ourselves of pride and hold on to an attitude of gentleness toward all life. See “Humiliation“, and “Arrogance vs Humility”)

9 INTEGRITY : Truthfulness, Courage, Sincerity, Honesty
Our connection to our inner reality is strengthened when we align our thoughts, words and actions with truth, and have the courage act with sincerity and honesty. This is letting go of our own will and honoring the Divine Will instead. (SeeWhy ACoAs Lie)

NEXT: Character (Part 2)

RECOVERY – What IT IS & IS NOT (Part 2)

Screen Shot 2015-07-10 at 9.30.12 AM 

LEARNING HOW TO BUILD A LIFE
on the experience of those who know

PREVIOUS: RECOVERY – IS & is NOT (#1)

SITE: “25 Things you do as an Adult when you’ve experienced Childhood Emotional Abuse
(just like the Laundry List)

 


RECOVERY 
IS NOT….
❖…eliminating ALL pain from our life
IS...
❧…a combination of gains & losses, fulfillment and disappointment, joy & pain – part of being human, not superhuman.  Only addicts – of any kind – want ‘no pain’ & think that’s an appropriate goal
🦋

IS NOT…❖…trying to get from our family all the things we never got as kids, nor
assume we can have a ‘great’ relationship with them – if only we were well enough

IS…❧…accepting there’s no ‘if only’ about our family & our childhood (SORRY!)
• It was their damage that prevented them from being all we needed.  It was never because of who we were! (Yes, it was done to us, at us, with us – but it wano more blames never ABOUT us  ie. our essence)
and, unless family members have been growing, or changing – enough – we may choose more radical steps

We can choose how to deal with them – by :
a. rare or no contact, to protect from abuse & mind games
b. no contact for a long time, until we are more healed, so our buttons (which they installed) get much smaller :)! Then re-connect & see….

c.
limited contact, to see who they really are, for clarification & validation of how they treated us – which will diminish self-hate, & allow us to gain some emotional distance from the family drama
d. regular contact, spaced out AND only as friendly Adults.  Don’t expect them to be parental if they can’t. Interact superficially or only in ways that suites everyone. Don’t push for the impossible!

➼ Others will often disappoint, which can make us sad & angry. That’s normal. It just doesn’t have to devastate. NOW it’s truly up to us to become Kind Parent & Wise Adult for ourselves, with the help of therapy, H.P., Program & other support systems.
🦋

IS NOT...❖…saying we have forgiven our family, as if it were an intellectual decision, made once & forever, hoping that will wipe out all of the damage they inflicted, & all of our pain

IS…❧…knowing that forgiveness is a gift from H.P. – a ‘letting go’ – as a result of our willingness to do Recovery work to clean out old emotional wounds.
Forgiveness is the end product of that work, rather than a prerequisite for growth, as many tell us. Forgiveness isn’t genuine without healing our rage & pain. (9 posts = 4 types)

PROOF : when we try to ‘will’ forgiveness & think it’s all behind us – eventually some life-event will stir up that unresolved pain & bite us in the butt. Besides, some abuses are un-forgivable! But we still have to let go – of being a victim of our own rage by feeling the sorrow that’s underneath (“Forgiveness Is an Inside Job“)
🦋

IS NOT…❖…getting over our rage, so we don’t have to feel it any more OR not having any more terror, worry, sadness… if / when we get ‘really healthy’Screen Shot 2015-07-10 at 9.38.11 AM

IS... ❧…knowing & accepting that we’ll always have some vestiges of the old pain, fear, rage, shame & abandonment hurt, BUT that those Es doesn’t have to control us
…. being willing to separate internally, from the bad voice & externally, from harmful people. It’s absolutely necessary to get away from damaging situations & negative thoughts. After all, if you kept scraping away at a sore on your skin, it wouldn’t heal, would it?

• At first this ‘letting go’ can bring up fear & depression, but with time, it will allow us to heal old wounds, making us less fearful & angry.
We can find & use new ways to deal with those painful Es – by: letting them out in safe places & ways, learning to accept & comfort ourselves. Then we’ll experience pleasant, joyful emotions as well.

NEXT: RECOVERY – IS & is NOT (#3)