Being CONFIDENT (Part 1)

makes me happy, not arrogant

PREVIOUS: Double Messages (#9)

QUOTE: “Don’t let what you can’t do – stop you from doing what you can do.” John Wooden, sports coach & motivational writer

DEF: Confidence comes from a positive & realistic assessment of one’s abilities, creativity, knowledge, personal judgment, power, talents, & worth.

CONFIDENT people are usually HAPPY PEOPLE
ACoAs: Remember that we were not allowed to be ourself from the get-go, so we have to work hard at uncovering our True Self, fighting the PP voice which doesn’t want us to uncover it.
Contrary to what many of us have been taught, self-confidence is not arrogance, which is an over-evaluation of one’s worth, often displayed in offensive expressions of superiority & false prideWellness aspects

➼ The following are some basic characteristics of mentally healthy people – GOALs which everyone can strive for. No one is confident all the time, so we are NOT looking for perfection in anything – only progress!

• have a clear sense of self – they know who they are, fundamentally – their basic inborn qualities, special abilities & gifts, their hard-earned accumulated knowledge, likes & dislikes, dreams & hopes.
They’re not afraid to admit their flaws & limitations, but don’t dwell on them

• don‘t beat themselves up. Being human is to not be perfect, which they accept, & so aren’t ashamed of being limited or of having shortcoming. When they don’t know something or have a ‘weak’ moment, they identify the issue, try to find a solution, dust themselves off & keep going. There’s never a legitimate reason for self-criticism or abuse

follow their goals & dreams. They’re comfortable owning their talents & desires, knowing those are part of their True Self. They don’t let fear, doubt or other people’s negative opinions prevent them from pursuing their plans & visions. They want to have a purposeful life – to fulfill as much of their destiny as possible, & contribute to improving society

• show confidence by how they carry themselves. Unless they’re ill or disabled (which does not diminish them), they have a self-assured walk, stand or sit with head straight, shoulders back, give eye contact when engaged in conversation…. In any case, they’re ‘comfortable in their skin

Screen Shot 2015-09-29 at 1.58.05 PM pay attention to their health. GIGO (Garbage in, Garbage out) applies to the body as well as the mind, both of which they treat with respect.
As much as their circumstances will allow – they give themselves quality nourishment :  healthy food, fresh air, relaxation & activity, regular medical attention, appropriate vitamins & medication…. as needed

learn from their past without dwelling on it. They’re willing to acknowledge & deal with old trauma, so they can heal. They recognize how old thinking & behavior patterns limit their progress, & are determined to improve whatever they can. They keep moving forward, but accept & learn from the past, knowing wounds are part of their identity

don’t absorb criticism. Because they regard themselves positively, they don’t feel judged or belittled, even if someone is trying to do that, especially people who know very little or nothing about them. They’re not shaken by others’ opinions, & in many cases don’t even bother defending themselves

refuse to stay victims. Not everyone had a painful or traumatic childhood, but everyone has had difficulties & challenges sometime in their life. The confident person refuses to let stressors get them down for too long – even if they truly were victims as children.

Feeling compassion for oneself in not the same as self-pity, which is more about believing one is powerless & hopeless than feeling sad about experiencing painful events.boundaries
— AND they refuse to be victimized  as adults- won’t let others abuse or take advantage of them, because they know their own worth, without arrogance

have strong personal boundaries. They know their needs & rights, so can ask for what they want, or stop others from inappropriately imposing their needs or desires.
They don’t try to please others just for the sake of making others happy, to prevent being ‘abandoned’. They know when to say Yes or No, but not as a way to be controlling or boost their ego.

NEXT: Being Confident (Part 2)

HEALTHY Boundaries – Info (Part 2)


is Too close for me!

PREVIOUS: Healthy Bs – Info (Part 1)


REVIEW: Bs – ‘Healthy Source’

Studies have formulated Personal Boundary distances for middle class people in Western & westernized countries.  In most social situations Americans require a comfort zone of 6 to 8 sq feet per person, & any violation of that buffer may trigger a strong reaction. In crowded cities people are most likely to just shut down – at least in public

1a. The Intimate Zone – the most important – is 6-18″ (15-45 cms). People guard this area as if it were their private property & only those who are emotionally close are allowed in, which include lovers, parents, spouse, children, close friends, relatives & pets
1b. The Close-Intimate Sub-zone: extends 0-6″ (15 cm) from the body, which may be entered only during intimate physical contact (whispering, hugging, kissing, sex…)

2. The Personal Zone – 18-48″ (46 cm-1.22m), the distance between us & others, at polite social functions like parties, any friendly gatherings & talking with close friends

3. The Social Zone – 4-12 feet (1.22~3.6m) – the distance from strangers, like sales or repair people, a new employee, anyone else we don’t know very well, & generally talking with acquaintances
4. The Public Zone – 12 feet (3.6m) – interacting with strangers & when addressing large groups

 Personal space has been studied in relation to age, race, culture, mental disorder, menstrual cycle & gender. Regarding the latter, researchers have observed definite differences between the personal space needed by men vs. women in general (most women need less):
• Whether the distance is between 2 men or 2 women
• If a man in approaching a woman or vice versa
• Positioning:geneder Bs
men prefer being next to each other but face to face with an attractive woman. Men need more room around them, so will try to avoid crowds & personal invasion of any kind, reacting hostilely if they can’t

women prefer face to face, being more sensitive to the space next to them, & become wary if a stranger approaches from the side. Women generally keep their distance from both genders unless they feel safe, are more tolerant in crowded areas & seldom invade other people’s space  (More ….

• Studies also noted that children learn this spacing by age 12 if not before, as seen in a sample taken between kindergarten & 6th grade, where significant gender effects were found: Both boys & girls need more distance when around the opposite sex, & less when with their own. (Males – Female Differences)

General CHARACTERISTICS of Healthy Boundaries
▪︎ Appropriate, based on my inner life.  I set a boundary or let it go based on what I’m experiencing right now – which include my beliefs, choices, thoughts, decisions, feelings, intuition, needs & wants. So knowing what’s coming up for me in my external life is crucial in setting healthy boundaries & having healthy relationships

▪︎ Clear. I know my internal boundaries & those that I use in relation to others
▪︎ Firm. I decide how firm I want my boundaries to be, to get what I want or need

▪︎ Flexible. Healthy boundaries need to be flexible – when appropriate. I decide how close or far away I want someone to be, in order to get what I want or need. Also – for healthy relationships, I need to let go of some boundaries & limits – when appropriate

▪︎ Maintaining. I have to consider whether to hold firm OR relax a specific boundary or limit – for some period of time, to get what I want or need

▪︎ Present. I need to keep my boundary in mind when in a specific situation, to identify which ones work & which don’t. If I don’t stay alert & identify which one is appropriate, I may not be able to decide whether to ‘enforce’ it or relax it

▪︎ Protective. They help protect the well-being & integrity of my Inner Child

▪︎ Receptive. I need to consider when it’s useful or enjoyable for loosen a particular boundary a bit, so I can let another person, place, thing, behavior or experience in.
(Modified from list by Patricia Jones, ‘Alive in the Moment)

NEXT: List of Healthy Bs, Part 1