Double BINDS – Changing (Part 12)

if I’m willing to stand firm

PREVIOUS: Double Binds (Part 6b)

SITE: “The Double Bind: The Intimate Tie” (Re. Schizophrenia & Borderline PD)


1. Mental, Practical –
“We learn the rope of life by untying its knots.” Jean Toomer, American poet / novelist (see Parts 8-11)

2. Emotional / Spiritual – DBs cause stagnation, the opposite of Life.
LIFE is movement, & all movement has momentum. This means that our reactions & choices create changes in direction – we’re always ‘going toward somewhere’ (Desire), and ‘going away from somewhere’ (Aversion). It’s our normal state, & anyone unaware of this basic Human Design principle is very vulnerable to manipulation

Unfortunately, many spiritual teachings associate desire with shame, & aversion with virtue. ‘Followers’ – who consider themselves sooo higher-minded – take great pride in all the things they abhor, while convinced that needing / wanting is a personal flaw or sin. Of course, this is also the way to obey several Toxic Family Rules – which makes is easy for Double Binders to use this distortion to capture their audience – including you. (review DBs”, Part 1)

• TRANSFORMATION (healing) cannot be forced, but is rather a process, & when or how long it takes is unique to each of us. However, as we know, there are tools available that encourage the shifts we’d like to experience, if we’re persistent.
🤔 For long-term changes we need a clear mind – free of enough repressed & denied emotions – so we can access our logical mind & creativity more easily. That will allow us to actually have choices, & find possible alternatives to the DMs we’ve absorbed

This require the Receiver R (us) of DMs to have enough S & I, self-esteem & good boundaries – to no longer be overwhelmed by the terror of losing the connection with the S. Some fear is to be expected – so the process requires courage – the ability to take action in the face of anxiety.

One key to resolving D.Binds is to 1st realize they present illusioillusion/lien (that we’re trapped) – & are a lie just like perfectionism or self-hate.
As adults we always have some options other than those forced on us. We can find them, with help, if we’re willing to explore the beliefs & values that hold the illusion in place, based on what we assume is real.•

Many organizations across the world are now providing services that offer support, with practical tools to shape our future lives. ARTICLE “Let It Go: How to Not let things Bother You

• Mental, Emotional & Spiritual maturity** allow us to embrace paradox (DBs Part 9), instead of running away, by “passing through the dilemma of irreconcilable double-binds” (no-win). We can only do this if we’re willing to struggle through the various stages of personal growth.

Elizabeth Michaels’ book FACTICITY: A Door to Mental Health & Beyond -offers a sophisticated way of resolving paradox & resistance.
“Facticity is designed to shift the experience of living from either/or conflict to both/and – acceptance & balance. This NLP model & collection of techniques provides a framework for experiencing opposite dualities as complementary rather than in opposition.”

**Maturity = How well we realistically understand situations in their present-day context, are in touch with our emotions as well as in charge of how or when we expressing them, & usually respond from the Adult ego state, with ourselves & in dealing with others. Maturity eliminates Perfectionism! (Review posts)

• A sign of this maturity is finding the middle state which can be called ‘Abiding’ – calmly BE-ing, or NOT-reacting.
Reacting (‘DMs, Part 2’) is the endless see-saw between aversion & desire, which causes suffering.
Firm Abiding is the place of balance – not a denial of needs – between those 2 extremes. It’s similar to “grey-rocking“. It’s a place of peacefulness & assurance, but aways a place of our choice.
★ If you have to – or want to – continually deal with a D.Binding control-artist, then being able to stay in Abiding-mode is indeed a personal victory! This is not easy & hard to keep up, but is a fundamental way to outwit DBs.

NEXT: DBs, Part 7b

2 thoughts on “Double BINDS – Changing (Part 12)

  1. Donna, I have learned a lot from reading your blog and it has been very helpful to me, I can’t thank you enough for sharing your wisdom. But, I really get thrown off having to decipher the acronyms and abbreviations. Especially when I haven’t read in a while then come back to it. Maybe you could spell out the whole word so your audience doesn’t have to constantly look up or decipher? I do know you have a reference page for these abbreviations. It would make your blog a lot more accessible and digestible. Thanks again!


    • Thank you for reading the blog, & your request.
      I’m sorry for the inconvenience, but I believe it’s easy to refer to the Acronym page one time for each post, to eliminate confusion. After a while they’ll all become automatic.


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