self growth

“KEEP the FOCUS on YOURSELF” means? (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help

I HAVE TO TRAIN MYSELF
to be self-aware!

PREVIOUS:
 Confident People #6

SITE: “(Not) Keeping the focus on myself” ~Al-Anon

 

REVIEW: “Keep the Focus on Yourself” (KFY)
Many sources say to be mentally / emotionally mature we need to be responsible for our own TEAs (thoughts, emotions, actions). This is confusing for ACoAs, because on the one hand:
• we were taught by family & religion NOT to notice our own needs, tastes, ideas, values… only focus on them, which means we’re can’t KFY
AND on the other hand —
• ACoAs take on too much responsibility, for how others feel and things others are doing or have done (abuse, neglect, carelessness, selfishness….).
Also,  blaming ourself for imperfections (limitations, lack of knowledge, mistakes, EVEN good things like emotions, ambition, normal human needs….)

SO, no matter how intelligent or accomplished, without Recovery growth, many ACoAs actually don’t know what KFY means or how to do it. We’re all familiar with the PP’s poisonous voice whispering: “Who do you think you are?”

But that’s exactly the point: In order to KFY, we have to know who & what WE ARE!
But since we were’t allowed to develop that as kids, we have to work on it now – every day. With persistence, eventually it does become the new normal

NOTE: The key to KFY is telling the truth about what motivates our thoughts & actions, which comes from the freedom to BE & express True Self. EXP:
“I’m upset because I’m disappointed …..” said without self-judgement
” I yelled because I’m really scared…. “, without excuse or justification

EXP of not KFY 
Joey forgot to bring home the milk Sarah asked for. She gets angry & calls him a few choice names. The REAL reason she’s angry is not that they need the milk so badly, but that she interprets his neglect (T) as meaning that Joey doesn’t consider her important – as a person.
That leads to feeling hurt (F), but she doesn’t say that. it’s easier to attack than be admit to being vulnerable.controlling

Keep-Focus-Yourself  is NOT a justification for our narcissism!
It’s NOT:
• saying things like “I think that you should____, If I were you I would/ wouldn’t____” & then proceed to tell someone who we think they are, what they should do or think…. instead of finding out who they actually are, what they want, what they’ve already tried….

• expecting / demanding that others fulfill our needs, just because “I want it” – without considering if they want to help, what state they’re in, if they’re available, what they’re legitimately capable of, what’s appropriate to ask of others….
It’s NOT:
• an opportunity to attack, dismiss /negate or point a finger at others & then excuse it by saying: “It’s just my opinion”
• manipulating others to take care of us, because we don’t want to do it for ourself
• doing whatever we feel like (jerk others around, lie, attack, be insensitive, undependable, withholding…..), because we’re afraid of being controlled, or want to get back at the whole world for what our family did to us   Screen Shot 2016-01-17 at 7.03.27 PM
It’s NOT:
• convincing someone to go out of their way for us & then change plans at the very last-minute, just because we have something better to do or just don’t feel like it
• use other people to get what we want, to get ahead, to vent our rage
• trying to get someone to be/do what WE want – so we don’t have to deal with ourselves ——>
—— > ALL under the false version of KFY saying “I’m just taking care of myself”

Al-Anon’s “Courage to Change”, (pg. 29 ):
“I am learning to be honest with myself. I will not use my Recovery as an excuse to justify my efforts to change other people’s thinking.
Trying to control others only gets me in trouble. Instead, I will promptly admit such mistakes & put my energy back where it belongs – by focusing on myself.”   ladder to heart

IMP : Contrary to what the Bad Parent whispers –  “Keeping the focus on Yourself” does NOT mean mean that we’re
• selfish & arrogant, because it takes attention away from ‘them’ (the narcs)
• disobedient when we KFY, because we were taught to only think what ‘they’ tell us to.

NEXT: KFY (Part 2)

Being CONFIDENT (Part 6)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth

IC confidencePREVIOUS: Confident #5

QUOTES: “To wish you were someone else is a waste of the person you are.” ∼ Meelia121
• “Confidence, like art, never comes from knowing all the answers. It comes from being open to all the questions.” ~ Earl Gray Stevens, UK peer

REMINDER: Do NOT let yourself get overwhelmed by this 6-part list. It’s meant to be a guide, qualities to work towards. Acknowledge when you have expressed a little of any one of these in your daily life, & remind your Inner Child of your progress!

CONFIDENT People (cont)
• are free to assume “Why not?, Why not me?” True confidence allows people to have access to many PPT, with the right to ask for & get a piece of whatever’s available in their environment – but done fairly & legitimately. They create networks & relationships, often quietly behind the scenes. They choose their own path instead of following the most used one

☼ They know there’s ‘enough for everyone’ (attention, connection, recognition, love….), so they don’t have to wait endlessly for permission to express their ideas or get what they’ve earned – being acknowledged, chosen, ‘discovered’, given info, helped, hired, promoted….

• are shrewd (clever, crafty – not sneaky). Being practical, savvy & having good judgement creates self-confidence, gives them an edge. They know when to keep going, & when to step away from an untenable situation.
They’re usually good at quickly sizing up others, figuring out social hierarchies & potential hot buttons. When they combine being clever with wisdom, they can get a lot accomplished without stepping on toes.

BTW: Crafty means taking an existing idea & turning it into something new, exciting & dynamic, or coming up with fresh ideas at a moment’s notice, & able to deal with stress in ways most others would never think of

• are accepting & respectful. Confident people tend to be the most accepting of others ,no matter their shortcomings – even when they don’t like someone – because they respect themself & know that all humans are part of a larger whole.
They can, because they:
> know & own their own weaknesses, so don’t judge others
> understand everyone’s different, with their own process
> don’t need others to be a certain way to feel safe
> realize they don’t have the power to change others
➼ They try to live by: “I will do unto others as I would want them to do unto me & my loved ones.”

THEY
• trust their judgment. Instead of focusing on trusting others, they rely on their experience & observations to identify who’s safe & who’s not. They rarely second-guess themself, because they know their rights as human beings, as well as their personal tastes & opinions

• celebrate their successes, & those of others. They’re proud of their accomplishment & appreciate any ‘good luck’ that comes their way. Even when they ‘lose’ to someone (fairly), they’re truly happy when others do well, especially loved ones, because it allows them to be surrounded by accomplished, happy people. So they don’t mind when the spotlight shines on others.
🌈
THOUGHTS: Confidence is one of the most attractive & powerful traits we can have – when it’s grounded in self-esteem & respect for others. People are drawn to those who are comfortable with themself.
• Confidence does not automatically come from genius or beauty, but by the way we think & feel about ourself & the world. That means anyone can become confident. (YOU too!)

• Confident people search out & make use of all the resources available in their world to improve life for themselves & others

• Confident people are not ‘up’ all the time, which would be unhealthy & unrealistic. When they’re ‘down’, stressed, confused or it won’t be forever :
> they’re able to find a way under, over or around the discomfort, either by themsef or with help
> they can balance Emotions with realistic Thinking, not ignoring either side

➼ NO ONE has all these positive characteristics – at least not 100% each. Confident people will have many of them – but in varying proportions, with some showing up early in their life, others not until much later.
REMEMBER: Progress, not perfection!

NEXT: Keep the Focus on Yourself, #1

Being CONFIDENT (Part 5)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

GENUINE, HEALTHY CONFIDENCE
is an expression of self-esteem

PREVIOUS: Being confident (#4)

SITE: ‘Creating Confidence”

QUOTES: “Don’t waste your energy trying to change opinions … Do your thing, and don’t care if they like it.”∼Tina Fey

⭐︎ “A diamond doesn’t start out polished and shining. It once was nothing special, but with enough pressure and time, becomes spectacular” ∼ Solange Nicole

REMINDER: Do NOT let yourself get overwhelmed by this 6-part list. It’s meant to be a guide, qualities to work towards. To look at the cup half full – or more – notice & then acknowledge when you have expressed a little of any one of these in your daily life. Then give yourself a pat on the back, & remind your Inner Child of your progress!

CONFIDENT People (cont)
Screen Shot 2015-10-03 at 10.41.41 PM• stand out in a crowd. They tend to be more successful in life, have better personal relationship & perform better at school or at work

• aren’t afraid to look silly. They don’t mind being seen when not at their best. Occasionally “looking bad” makes them more human & accessible. They don’t try to be 100% a 100% of the time. They can be unprepared, caught off guard, the butt of a joke, having a bad hair day, or find that the equipment isn’t working for a presentation – without becoming self-conscious or awkward.
They’ll usually be able to quietly ‘fix’ the problem, get help or just go with the flow, depending on the circumstance.

☼ Confident people have a good sense of humor, about themself & life in general, so even if they can’t tell a joke to save their life, they can appreciate the irony in everyday events. Being genuine & unpretentious encourages other people to laugh with them, not at them

THEY:
• avoid self-promotion. Positive self-assurance permits genuine modesty / humility. They’re not as bothered (as insecure people are) if they don’t get all the credit for their ideas or hard work. Braggers are insecure & lack self-respect, who secretly think “Please notice me & tell me I’m special”.
with friendsConfident people know what they’re capable of – or not – & their actions speak for them. They appreciate being acknowledged, admired, lauded, respected…. because they’re comfortable with who they are & what they’ve achieved. But they don’t need the glory from others, since true validation is an inside job

• don’t need approval from the whole world. Having a professional & social network of hundreds, even thousands – may have some business advantages – but it doesn’t contribute to self-esteem.
Confident people would rather have the respect & trust of a handful of people they consider important.
Where ever they go or what they try, those who truly matter quietly believe in them & are consistently supportive, whether at home, at work or in public.

• don’t gossip, envy or compare. They can keep confidences (+), & don’t want to participate in rag-fests (-), not having a need to be one-up to anyone. They don’t compare themself to others, or others to each other. Each person is unique, with their own personality & experiences. Al-Anon says to not “compare & despair”.
They rarely focus on envy or jealousy, (which is intensified by comparisons), because they’re empowered by achieving their own goals. For confident people, what others are or have is ‘none of their business’.

THEY:
• appreciate compliments. Allowing oneself to receive, graciously & with appreciation, is a sign of solid self-esteem. Knowing their abilities & value, they don’t need to minimize or reject legitimate expressions of honor & validation from others, freely given. It lets others have the joy of giving, as well.

This self-knowledge helps them distinguish between compliments that are genuine, & those that are manipulative & controlling.
EXP: “Thanks, I really worked hard on that ____. I’m pleased you recognize my efforts.”

• are thankful & don’t complain. They keep in mind all the benefits & blessings they DO have, & work toward what they still lack or desire – if it’s possible. They acknowledge, appreciate AND enjoy what’s available, which generates inner peace.

NEXT: Conficence #6

Being CONFIDENT (Part 4)

dmtorbi ACoAs, al-anon, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

bounce backI KNOW WHO I AM
& it’s OK to not be perfect

PREVIOUS: Being Confident, Part 3

SITE: “Line of confidence” chart, to help businesses & families

QUOTES: “The more you love your decisions, the less you need other to love them too.” Anon
“I am not what has happened to me. I am what I choose to become.” Carl Jung

REMINDER: Do NOT let yourself get overwhelmed by this 6-part list. It’s meant to be a guide, qualities to work towards. Looking at the cup half full – or more – notice & then acknowledge when you have expressed a little of any one of these in your daily life. Then give yourself a pat on the back, & remind your Inner Child of your progress!

CONFIDENT People (cont):
• like to learn, & try new things. They’re eager to find out about a verity of cultures, ideas, locations & ways of doing things. With an open mind, they gather wide knowledge, but also have strong personal opinions about things that are important to them. They’re genuinely interested in what others think, & listen attentively. They know a lot, but realize there’s always more to learn. Trying new things encourages personal growth & opportunities to connect with otherscareful listening

• listen much more than they speak. One study found that over 80% of confident people don’t talk randomly, nor a great deal. In most cases they’d rather listen, but when it’s their turn, they talk easily & boldly.
While they’re comfortable expressing themself, they know when to be quiet. Because they’re not driven by deep anxiety, they can let others shine – or be wrong – without jumping in

☼ They’re not shy about sharing their knowledge, but don’t need to show off or preach. They already know what they think, so want to know where others are coming from.

They understand that most people like to talk about themselves, so it’s OK to give others the opportunity. They tend to ask open-ended questions that gives someone a chance to be introspective & to be ‘seen’, such as: “What do you do, how do you do it, what do you like about it, what have you learned from it…. ?”

• are driven to improve themself. They take the time to be introspective, evaluate their actions, own weaknesses, process any leftover childhood damage, & always look to the future.

They love searching for & finding out how things work, what they can do to improve themself & their performance – in all area of life – willing to outgrow bad habits that hinder their progress

THEY : 
• are supportive, but don’t interfere. They put other people at ease, giving them honest support & encouragement when called for. They see the positive qualities in others, & let others know what they admire – without jealousy or bitterness – creating long-lasting healthy relationships.
AND, they stay out of people’s way when they’re not asked, can’t be of help or are not needed, instead of having to put their two cents in

• don’t mind making mistakes. They can admit in any circumstance that they don’t have all the answers. Not worried about being wrong, they can graciously accept & admit it when they are. They bounce back from errors, using it as an opportunity to learn about what’s correct or what works best.
Even the most confident people have some insecurities. They’ve learned that life is full of ups & downs, & that feeling insecure may depend on where they are, who they’re with, their health, good or bad events…. but it doesn’t last.

• recognize mistakes & setbacks are learning opportunities. They don’t berate themself for errors in action or judgment, realizing that every mistake is an opportunity to find out more about their likes & dislikes, who other people are, what’s possible or not in the world. They just figure out ways to be more successful next time. Seeing errors or setbacks in this way shifts their thinking, creating more confidence (reframing).

NEXT: Confident People (Part 5)

Being CONFIDENT (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

LET’S SEE, I’M A:
boss, parent, extrovert, learner….

PREVIOUS:  Being Confident (#2)

QUOTEs:
“The only person you should try to be better than – is the person you were yesterday” ~Anon
⭐︎“Being comfortable with who you are is the ultimate threat.”∼ Sean Beaudoin

REMINDER: Do NOT let yourself get overwhelmed by this 6-part list. It’s meant to be a guide, qualities to work towards. Acknowledge when you have expressed a little of any one of these in your daily life. Give yourself a pat on the back, & remind your Inner Child of your progress!

CONFIDENT People (cont)
• use positive language. “Up” words reinforce a confident image, talking positively about their life or their environment. In social situations they avoid laying their problems on others, keeping complaints & criticism to a minimum, since it doesn’t benefit relationships.
— When meeting new people they’re not shy about leading with a personal introduction, which underscores respect for themself, & signals that what they have to say is worth listening to

confidence cycle• stick to their principles. They know what they believe in, & are willing to stand up for those beliefs (silently or out loud), even when in the minority.
They keep their personal integrity by doing what they believe to be correct, whether others encourage or mock them. It’s about doing the right thing for the right reason, even when no one is watching.
SAYING: “If you don’t stand for something, you will fall for anything.”

THEY:
• are ambitious & competitive. It’s one of their main traits, but not used to step on /over others.  They know what they want, clearly define their goals, & persistently work toward them. They love to test their skill & have the ability to handle demanding situations in spite of others’ best efforts, because they believe they’ll win, even if they ‘lose’.

• use alone-time ‘wisely’. They’re not often lonely when no one is around. They’ll use free time to process recent events, work on a hobby, do a spiritual practice, converse with their Inner Child, be in nature, or just enjoy being quiet & peaceful. If they need to hide out or isolate, to recover from an illness or great stressor, they make the time. And it’s temporary.

• are determined & hard-working. They know their goals are their own & are worth pursuing, so they won’t abandon them, even if they have to be delayed or sometimes seem impossible.
They believe it’s better to try & fail, & continue trying, than to give up and let doubt take over. They know the best path to reaching their goals is to put in a sustained effort, no matter how difficult or tiring. Hard-working people are confident, and confident people are hard-working. It’s a chicken-egg thing. But they also know when to rest!

THEY:
• accept change & delay. It is said that “Change is the only constant.” While confident people may not always like the changes they have to deal with, they accept the necessary one (that they have little or no control over) and do their best to go with the flow. ALSO, they can manage the frustration of waiting for things to unfold, knowing that some things take longer than others. “Delay is OK”

risking• take responsible risks. They are able to take reasonable / realistic risks because they’re not afraid to lose or to be wrong. While confident in their abilities, they’ve also learned that nobody wins them all. Even so, they will have a good chance to win at some other time or in a different situation. They’re willing to go the extra mile, but know the difference between a gamble and a risk, so they’re not foolhardy nor act impulsively.

☼ They always try to minimize potential dangers to themself & others by making informed choices among available options, & consider the pros & cons of possible outcomes. They prepare as much as they can, & then take whatever actions they feel are worth the possible benefit they’re aiming for. Gaining enough benefits in life makes the occasional loss bearable.

NEXT: Confident People (Part 4)

Being CONFIDENT (Part 2)

dmtorbi ACoAs, al-anon, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

confidence balance  I BALANCE the EXTREMES BETWEEN
healthy & unhealthy, too much & too little….

PREVIOUS: Being Confident (#1)

QUOTE: “When you are content to simply be yourself, & don’t compete or compare, everyone will respect you.
Kindness in Thinking creates Profoundness.
Kindness in Words creates Confidence.
Kindness in Giving creates Love.”  Lao Tzu

REMINDER: Do NOT let yourself get overwhelmed by this list. It’s meant to be a guide, qualities to work towards. Looking at the cup half full – or more – notice & then acknowledge when you have expressed a little of any one of these in your daily life, give yourself a pat on the back, & remind your Inner Child of your progress!

CONFIDENT People (cont)
• take responsibility for their thought, emotions & actions (TEA) . This includes all their positive parts, as well as the less ideal ones. They don’t need to blame others when things don’t work out, but also don’t take on blame for things that have nothing to do with them

• can be alone with their own thoughts. They know that mental GIGO means thinking, reading & listening to positive, healthy, enjoyable things, which can improve their knowledge & lift the spirit.
Their inner dialogue is not harsh from S-H, nor bullied by the PP, nor fear of abandonment & lack of self-awareness.
So they don’t have to fill every minute with conversation, technology (TV, e-mail, cellphones, texting, web surfing, playing games….) & other drugs & time-wasters, in order to numb out S.M.A.R.T.

• ‘keep it simple’. Whenever possible they find the simplest, sanest way to do things, no matter where they are or who they’re dealing with.
They’re not attached to ‘drama’,  never have to re-invent the wheel, & don’t hang out in convoluted, torturous thinking, or awful-izing. Knowing who they are & what they want, they can think clearly, so don’t easily get sidetracked or manipulated

THEY:
• trust their instincts.  They pay careful attention to their environment, pick up on non-verbal cues, listen to the feeling in their gut & the still small voice in their head. They do not ignore these cues, even though they can’t be explained logically. Instincts are an important tool in their bag of life skills, guiding them on their path, helping to make the best choices

getting help• accept help whenever they need it. They’re not ashamed of not knowing everything, or of not being able to do everything themself, so are not afraid to ask for & receive emotional support & practical help.
Confident people are secure enough to admit having limitations, & don’t see that as a sign of weakness.
They know that when searching for help they pay someone a huge compliment – it shows genuine respect for that person’s expertise & judgment, or wouldn’t have asked them. They’re eager to learn from others

• take care of themself. They don’t wait for others to do for them what they can do for themself.  They’re willing to learn easier & better ways to do things, & find procedures to make their life less complicated or stressful

• are optimistic. They have a realistic view of their future, knowing from experience that bad situations usually work out, & that many stressors can be overcome with sensible plans. They have the ability to see the light at the end of the tunnel, & plan their journey toward it.
Optimism allows confident people to believe they’ll be OK, no matter how bad the current situation may seem. They never give up, but know it’s good to regularly take a break

In reality, everyone experiences an occasional knock to their self-worth. In those cases, confident people take time out to question their motives & review their choices, but don’t get paralyzed. Their mind is focused on solutions, so they take actions as soon as possible, or keep working towards a better outcome in the future. One antidote to doubt is an increase in productive activity. (CHART – confidence vs doubt)
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NEXT: Confident People (Part 3)

Being CONFIDENT (Part 1)

dmtorbi ACoAs, al-anon, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

confidenceBEING A CONFIDENT PERSON
makes me happy, not arrogant

PREVIOUS: Double Messages (#9)

QUOTE: “Don’t let what you can’t do – stop you from doing what you can do.” John Wooden, sports coach & motivational writer

DEF: Confidence comes from a positive & realistic assessment of one’s abilities, creativity, knowledge, personal judgment, power, talents, & worth.

CONFIDENT people are usually HAPPY 
ACoAs: Remember that we were not allowed to be ourself from the get-go, so we have to work hard at uncovering our True Self, fighting the PP voice which doesn’t want us to notice it lurking in the background.
Contrary to what many of us have been taught, self-confidence is not arrogance, which is an over-evaluation of one’s worth, often displayed in offensive expressions of superiority & false prideWellness aspects

➼ The following are some basic characteristics of mentally healthy people – GOALs which everyone can strive for. No one is confident all the time, so we are NOT looking for perfection in anything – only progress!

CONFIDENT People:
• have a clear sense of self – they know who they are, fundamentally – their basic inborn qualities, special abilities & gifts, their hard-earned accumulated knowledge, likes & dislikes, dreams & hopes.
They’re not afraid to admit their flaws & limitations, but don’t dwell on them

• don‘t beat themself up. Being human is to not be perfect, which they accept, & so aren’t ashamed of being limited or of having shortcoming. When they don’t know something or have a ‘weak’ moment, they identify the issue, try to find a solution, dust themself off & keep going. There’s never a legitimate reason for self-judgement or abuse

• follow their goals & dreams. They’re comfortable owning their talents & desires, knowing those are part of their True Self. They don’t let their fears & doubts or other people’s negative opinions prevent them from pursuing their plans & visions. They want to have a purposeful life – to fulfill as much of their destiny as possible, & contribute to improving society

THEY:
• show confidence by how they carry themself. Unless they’re ill or disabled (which does not diminish them), they have a self-assured walk, stand or sit with head straight, shoulders back, give eye contact when engaged in conversation…. In any case, they’re ‘comfortable in their skin’

Screen Shot 2015-09-29 at 1.58.05 PM• pay attention to their health. GIGO (Garbage in, Garbage out) applies to the body as well as the mind, both of which they treat with respect.
As much as their circumstances will allow – they give themself quality nourishment :  healthy food, fresh air, relaxation & activity, regular medical attention, appropriate vitamins & medication…. as needed

• learn from their past without dwelling on it. They’re willing to acknowledge & deal with old trauma, so they can heal. They recognize how old thinking & behavior patterns limit their progress, & are determined to improve whatever they can. They keep moving forward – no matter how slowly – accepting & learning from the past, knowing wounds are part of their history,  but not their undamental identity

• don’t absorb criticism. Because they regard themselves positively, they don’t feel judged or belittled, even if someone is trying to do that, especially people who know very little or nothing about them. They’re not shaken by others’ opinions, & in many cases don’t even bother defending themself

THEY:
• refuse to stay victims. Not everyone had a painful or traumatic childhood, but everyone has had difficulties & challenges sometime in their life. The confident person refuses to let stressors get them down for too long – even if they truly were victims as children.

boundariesFeeling compassion for oneself in not the same as self-pity, which is more about believing one is powerless & hopeless than feeling sad about experiencing painful events.
— AND they refuse to be victimized  as adults – won’t let others abuse or take advantage of them, because they know their own worth, without arrogance

• have strong personal boundaries. They know their needs & rights, so can ask for what they want, or stop others from trying to impose their needs or desires on them.
They don’t try to please others just for the sake of making someone happy & prevent getting ‘abandoned’. They know when to say Yes or No, but not as a way to be controlling or boost their ego.

NEXT: Being Confident (Part 2)

Double BINDS – Resolving (Part 13)

dmtorbi ACoAs, al-anon, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

ruggia0694cBEING THE CAPTAIN OF MY SHIP
is scary but liberating!

PREVIOUS: Double Binds (#12)

SITE: “Breaking the DB“


REVIEW
Levels: Every person or system has its own built-in self-preservation, & works to maintain their identity (in unhealthy or healthy ways) – as seen in the family mobile. To do this successfully, the system is able to change at one level (lower) in order to maintain itself an another ‘higher’ level. See DBs, #2.

• However, the same process that keeps a system from dissolving or spiraling out of control can also block, brake, constrain, or inhibit a  person’s development & transformation, using BINDS. This is any repetitive self-preserving pattern which unfortunately is psychologically unhealthy, keeping the D.Binded person unable to free themself.

• The structure of each bind is unique, & can be expressed many ways :
= conceptually – such as the line by Groucho Marx, “I don’t want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member”
= metaphors: “I’m trying to run round a track to overtake my ideal self twice, and the more I develop the more the gap widens.” (growth trap)
= non-verbally, as multi-layered enigmas, in endlessly repeating patterns, as in R.D. Lang’s explanation of the classic ACoA invalidation!
(Mental knot : Modelling Bs & DBs)

Resolving DBs in Therapy
As clients become aware of their binding patterns they’re faced with a hard choice : to be forever trapped in them,
OR risk moving into that scariest of places – the Unknown. But as their DMessages become clearer, the person may spontaneously reorganize their thinking, which modifies or eliminates their need to D.Bind themself or others.

PROCESS – See chart below
• Name & locate parts of your ideas in metaphoric language. ASK what’s underneath the DB beliefs, using “Being stuck is like …..” statements (in a cave, in mud, chained to a bed…. ) & Because ….. (Negative Benefits)

• Clarify the pattern of ideas/ beliefs (the T.E.A.s) AND the relationships between the parts – what do a. & b. have to do with each other?
• Once identified, the patterns themselves can be labeled, symbolically represented & explored (feels like : ankle chains, bugs in the brain, pressure on chest…… burning, drowning, crushed…. )

• This process of ‘Observational Learning’ ** allows the person to gather all the elements of a dilemma & then subtract what’s not relevant, so  learning can continue at a higher, more inclusive level of organization (One Cognitive distortion inside all Toxic Rules).
** (highly reliant on mirror neurons, in 4 sequential steps : Attention, Retention, Reproduction, and Motivation)

The combination of elements provides the Metaphor Landscape context in which the metapattern emerges  – the larger inclusive organization – presenting what’s needed for change. (LEVELS – all the way up and all the way down …. excellent explanation)
“‘Levels’ is a common metaphor for arranging experiences in the right logic order”. It’s how we organize experience & communication – Lower levels being defined by more specific examples of Higher levels. (the Cat – is – in the Animal shelter)

Note: The “Operational Closure” at each level of this procedure occurs when the various components and their inter-relationships are clear enough so that the whole ‘frame’ is brought into the person’s consciousness.
FULL explanation of Chart ⬇️

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NEXT : Being Confident, #1

 

Double BINDS – Changing (Part 12)

dmtorbi ACoAs, al-anon, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

I KNOW THERE IS HOPEsmile
if I’m willing to stand firm

PREVIOUS: Double Binds (#11)

SITE: “The Double Bind: The Intimate Tie” (Re. Schizophrenia & Borderline PD)


CHANGING the GAME
1. Mental, Practical – “We learn the rope of life by untying its knots.” Jean Toomer, American poet / novelist (see Parts 8-11)

2. Emotional / Spiritual
LIFE is movement, & all movement has momentum (changing location vs quantity or force).  This means that our reactions & choices create changes in direction – we’re always ‘going toward somewhere’ (Desire), or ‘going away from somewhere’ (Aversion). It’s our normal state.
Anyone not aware of this basic Human Design principle is very vulnerable to manipulation – the harm of DBs causing stagnation, the opposite of Life.

⚑ Unfortunately, many spiritual teachings associate desire with shame, & aversion with virtue. ‘Followers’ – who consider themselves sooo higher-minded – take great pride in all the things they abhor, while convinced that needing / wanting is a personal flaw or sin.
Of course, this is also the way to obey several Toxic Family Rules – which makes is easy for Double Binders to use this distortion to capture their audience – including you. (review “DBs”, Part 1)

⚐ TRANSFORMATION (healing) cannot be forced, but is rather a process, & when or how long it takes is unique to each of us. However, as we know, there are tools available that encourage the shifts we’d like to experience, available if we’re persistent.
🤔 For long-term changes we need a clear mind – free of enough repressed & denied emotions – so we can more easily access logical thinking & creativity. That will allow us to actually have choices, & find possible alternatives to the DMs we’ve absorbed

This requires the Receiver R (us) of DMs to have enough S & I, self-esteem & good boundaries – to no longer be overwhelmed by the terror of losing the connection with the S. Some fear is to be expected – so the process requires courage – the ability to take action in the face of anxiety.

illusion/lie☆ One key to resolving D.Binds is to first realize they are a lie just like perfectionism or self-hate, & create the illusion that we’re trapped.
As adults we always have some options other than those forced on us as kids. We can find alternatives, with help, if we’re willing to explore the beliefs & values that hold the illusion in place, based on what we assume is real.

• Many organizations across the world are now providing services that offer support, with practical tools to shape our future. ARTICLE “Let It Go: How to Not let things Bother You”

• Mental, Emotional & Spiritual maturity** allow us to embrace paradox (DBs Part 9). Instead of running away we can exit the trap by “passing through the dilemma of irreconcilable double-binds” (no-win) – struggling through the various stages of personal growth.

Elizabeth Michaels’ book FACTICITY: A Door to Mental Health & Beyond – offers a sophisticated way of resolving paradox & resistance.
“Facticity is designed to shift the experience of living from the either/or conflict to both/and = acceptance & balance. This NLP model includes a collection of techniques providing a framework for experiencing opposite dualities as complementary rather than in opposition.”

**Maturity is how well we :
♛ realistically understand situations in their present-day context
♛ are in touch with our emotions as well as in being in charge of how or when we express them
♛ usually respond from the Adult ego state, with ourself & in dealing with others. (Review posts)
♡ Maturity eliminates Perfectionism!

• A sign of this maturity is living in the middle state which can be called ‘Abiding’ – calmly BE-ing, or NOT-reacting.
Reacting is the endless see-saw between aversion & desire, which causes suffering. (‘DMs, Part 2’)
Firm Abiding is the place of balance between those extremes, but not a denial of needs. It’s similar to “grey-rocking“. It’s a place of peacefulness & assurance – aways a place of our choice.

★ If you have to – or want to – continually deal with a D.Binding control-artist, then being able to stay in Abiding-mode is indeed a personal victory! This is not easy & hard to keep up, but is a fundamental way to outwit DBs.

NEXT:  Resolving DBs,  #13

Double BINDS – Positive Use (Part 11)

dmtorbi ACoAs, al-anon, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , , ,

DBs - contrast

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

THERE’S ALWAYS A WAY AROUND
if only I knew how!

PREVIOUS: Double Binds (Part 10)

SITE: “Talking to Toddlers: Double Binds in Parenting Young Kids”
BOOK: ‘Covert Persuasion’ + comments)

Kindle BOOK: “Double-Binds: The DNA of Emotional & Mental Problems, & How to Make use of Their Positive Potential” – John Lentz (DNA = Double Negative Association)

SURPRISE: After all these post on the ‘evil’ of D. Messages & D. Binds – would you believe there are actually ways to use DM for good?
On the one hand they can cause untold suffering.
On the other – the pain can  be a motivator to transform ourself, if we’re willing to do the work.

• The POSITIVE use of DBs was instituted by Dr. Milton Erickson, as a therapeutic tool. He first learned the art of the D.Binding from his father, who would ask, “Do you want to feed the chickens first or the hogs, & then do you want to fill the wood box or pump the water for the cows first.” The elder Erickson gave Milton a choice of which chore to do first, but the boy was not free to leave the chores undone. Erickson admitted he consented mainly because he chose the order in which he did them.

Erickson & Bateson used positive DBs for spiritual growth, & to confront patients with the contradictions in their life, to help them heal. DBs allow a person to have a set of injunctions which support them in many situations, whichever choice they make.
EXP: “Get enough sleep for your health” AND “Don’t sleep your life away”

PURPOSE: to help people release painful emotions, to stop “feeling crazy” & get past resistance to positive changes. Sometimes they don’t want either choice of a positive bind, even though both are to their benefit. But DBs are one of the most effective indirect language tools for inducing trance, as a way to loosen stuck-ness.

“Invaluable leaps in learning & personal development involve Including positive DBs to Transform / Transcend negative binding patterns. Often our greatest strengths come from being doubly bound to express both sides. EXP: Steve Jobs could not not innovate.” (From What are Double Binds?)

» It can also induce us to be “completely present” at a difficult time in a relationship, letting go of past situations that resembles this one, in order to consider what our partner needs right now.
The double bind is an opportunity to communicate more effectively, & possibly to become wiser. (MORE…. )

Clinical Hypno-therapist Dr. Jay Stone uses double & triple binds to subtly aid his clients. CHART ⬇️  re. Self-care.
You can apply it to any specific issue you want to work on.
◆  In two-level communication, the conscious mind gets a choice, but the unconscious mind does not

◆  In the triple bind, the person’s conscious mind is allowed to choose how often to apply the lesson, but the unconscious mind has agreed to self-care as soon as the conscious mind made its choice of frequency.
★ ACoAs:
This way of using DBs is very effective with toddlers (see ‘SITE’ above) and is worth learning to use with our WIC, who is usually resistant to more direct forms of change.

WIN-WIN We can learn to create win-wins for ourself & others, using positive DBs to encourage a desired outcome. This makes both Sender & Receiver right, no matter what they do or say, which is empowering rather than living in anxiety. There are 5 dimensions of the Win/Win model: Character, Relationships, Agreements, Supportive Systems & Processes
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◀️ In Business &/or Parenting
a. In a competitive situation OR in an unhealthy one, where making a safe connection is not possible, Win/Lose is a valid option. (MORE….)

b.When forging a positive relationship is the main focus & goal, Win/Win is the desirable outcome

• In that case, the “Purpose frame” is applicable – the NLP frame used for Chunking Up – to discover the motivation for doing something. It is a way to give the other person what they want (actual need), but not what they asked for (request).

NEXT: DBs – Part 12