alcoholism

HEALTHY TRUSTING (Part 4)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth

PREVIOUS: Healthy Trust #3

SITEs: “5 Facets of trust”

 “Cultivation & Manifestation of Trust”  


ATTITUDES that DEVELOP the ability to TRUST

• Diminished fear: many of us will have to ‘act as if’ until we feel safer. Intense fears from the past can linger, & ‘new’ ones depend on negative self-talk & staying with unrecovered people. “If it’s hysterical, it’s  historical”. The less FoA & S-H we have the less our day-to-day fear.  In any case, even with our anxiety, we don’t have to restrict all our interactions & activities

• A healing environment: good therapists, healers, teachers, recovery & spiritual groups.  As we grow we can change how we interact with significant others, which will lessen blame, accusations & acrimony on all sides

• More openness: Others can’t connect with us if we keep hiding our True Self.  With Recovery we can risk being appropriately open with the right people, who have proven themselves to be kind & supportive, so that they can get to know & appreciate us

• Self-acceptance: to do this we have to know who we are – good points & weaknesses.  There’s NO room for self-abuse, only realistic assessment of ALL our qualities, abilities & knowledge.  Improved self-esteem makes it safer to get close to people without getting abused, or worrying about being  abandoned

• Self-disclosure of our woundedness:  Al–anon suggests that “You’re only as sick as your secrets”, so we need to air out our pain & distorted thinking – but ONLY in safe places & with healthier people

• Reduced Competitiveness : ACoAs don’t always want exactly what others have, but are envious (between 2 people) & jealous (between 3 or more) because those people are getting their needs met but we’re not allowed to! We feel thoroughly powerless, becoming enraged & obsessed. Instead – the more we provide our needs, there’ll be less desire for competition or accusations of unfairness, reducing barriers between ourself & others

Reverse• Remembering the balance of life : the “Boomerang Effect’’ shows that if we are dishonest, mistrusting, narrow-minded… we assume everyone else is too, & are more likely to meet up with the same type.
BUT if we practice being sincere, respectful, kind, open-minded (but not foolish), most people will respond by showing us their best side too. This is not the same as being a victim or people-pleaser, which some people can’t resist taking advantage of

• Hope in the overall good will of mankind : without it we become isolated, bitter, cynical & emotionally stuck.
With it,  we can learn to recognize & pull out the ‘weeds & parasites’ in our life, knowing that not everyone is narcissistic or dangerous.

NOTE : Trust as a Virtue – in some cultures (rural, religious, fraternities, armed forces, police, gangs, tight-knit criminals….) cooperation & friendly social relations are based on mutual trust & trustworthiness – a great virtue. They’re considered a prerequisite for integrity & social interaction (“I’m no snitch, I’ve got you back, blood is thicker than water….. ”) (Morton Deutsch, 1973)

HEALTHY PEOPLE WANT TO: 
• be honest with themself & others in important matterscommunication
• tell their truth, or if they don’t feel safe doing so, be clear as to why
• opt for compromise when someone differs with them on important matters
• consistently keep their promises
• be respectfully direct & assertive, rather than aggressive or submissive

NEXT: HOW to Trust

HEALTHY TRUSTING (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

 THE MORE I TRUST MY JUDGMENT
the better my discernment

PREVIOUS: Healthy Trust (#2)

 

♟️ Trust CHARACTERISTICS (using T.E.A.)
All 3 must be present, to some degree, for optimum trust to exist – whether in personal or business relationships

competence1. Competence / Results / Ability
Mental: The conscious ability to evaluate & discriminate among various “people, places & things” in order to identify which ones are to be trusted, to what extent, & in what arenas. Quote : We need to “Read reality truthfully in order to respond responsibly.”

Practical: To demonstrate the ability to get results – combine practical knowledge ➕ adapt to circumstances – which allows a person or group to deliver on promises

2. Character / Integrity / Valuesintegrity-
Mental: When a person or group is clear about their beliefs, attitudes, feelings & perceptions, without accepting what other people project on to them. They know that self-understanding & development are important, tracking how they express their values in every-day life

Practical: The internal agreement between a person’s values & actions make them reliable & therefore trustworthy. When things don’t go well they acknowledge & figure out what happened, taking responsibility for their part – without S-H, & work positively to improve future outcomes

3. Compassion / Concern / Benevolencedoctor
• Being aware of one’s connection to & inter-dependence with others, which inspires agreement & caring actions
• Genuinely valuing & respecting others. The emotional investment in people allows them to reciprocate, not out of obligation, but from appreciation & gratitude

• The extent to which a person has the best interests of another in mind, which is not ego-driven or primarily profit-oriented
• Includes a high level of empathy, which shows up as genuine caring for & help toward a person or group

HEALTHY TRUST (H.T.)
H.T. is knowing who & what can be relied on – or not. Legitimate trust comes in large part from experience, so it’s imperative for ACoAs to not jump too easily or quickly into new situation or with new people
H.T. allows us & others to be human – with weaknesses & strengths, while having a generally favorable outlook on life

H.T. assumes things usually work out, but can also deal with frustration, delay & loss without falling apart –  not automatically reacting from FoA
H.T. allows us to ‘trust the process’ of life, participating in an activity (like Recovery or learning a skill) without knowing the outcome, since we can’t predict the future, no matter how much we wish we could

H.T. takes time to develop. ‘Instant trust’ is a symptom of symbiosis &/or being in fantasy
H.T. means being awake in every situation, & evaluating what’s really going on, by having access to our gut feelings (the YEAH or ICK factors). It’s when we’re emotionally clear enough to tell when someone / thing is suitable or unsuitable specifically for us, OR when they are objectively harmful, neutral or beneficial

NOTE: This is opposite to that ACoA addictive ‘high’ we get from being with someone whose damage fits ours hand-in-glove, someone enough like our abusive family that we’re sure we found our soul mate! 
Yuck!
This lala trance-state comes from the WIC, heading to disappointment & danger, because the high hides our FoA, lack of Boundaries, & ultimately our Longing for an idealized mommy

TRUSTWORTHY People WILL :
• accept us for who we are – rather than what they wish we were,  AND not for what we sound like, how we look, what we do or have
• affirm & encourage us in troubled times  (vs. ignore or criticize)
• appreciate our personal talents as well as accept our limitations

• balance the good they see in us against our mistakes & flaws
• confront us directly when they need to, in a loving, sympathetic way (not shaming or  insensitive)
• listen to us with compassion, when we need to vent (not trying to fix / solve our problems)

• respect our choice of friends, activities, & spirituality (neither object nor automatically agree with)
• respect our needs, opinions, habits, and beliefs – equally with their own – even if they conflict
• respect our limits & boundaries, including times when we need privacy or solitude  (not taken as a rejection)
• understand & empathize with us, within their capacity.

NEXT: Healthy Trust (Part 4)

HEALTHY TRUSTING (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , , , ,

TRUST

TRUSTING MY JUDGEMENT  
needs a realistic basis!

PREVIOUS: Healthy Trust (#2)

SITE: re. Trust issues, brief Questionnaire


♟️ High Trust relationship are built on : Authenticity, Consistency, Empathy, Integrity & Transparency.   (SITE “Cultivating Trust…..“)

♟️ DIMENSIONS : Main components of Trust
🔑 Assumed = It’s time dependent, built one action at a time. The more consistent your behavior, the more likely others are going to assume you’ll act the same way again.
🔑 Associative = Others will trust you based on the stories they’re heard / read about you, so you have the least influence or control over this aspect
OR – how you gauge your trust-level is based on preconceived stereotypes you may have (gender, race, wealth….)
OR – how similar or different someone is to you (comfort level familiarity)
🔑 Vulnerable = the fastest path to building trust with someone else is when both people… express vulnerability – the act of exposing oneself to possible harm, rejection, or scrutiny – in an effort to connect beyond a surface level relationship.

♟️ ASPECTS
🔆 Delayed Reciprocity – to create trust use the Golden Rule: ‘Do unto others as you would have them do unto you’. If I do something for you now, I trust (hope, expect) that it will be repaid / returned, in some unspecified way at some unspecified time in the future.

🔆 Exposevulnerabled Vulnerability – in a trust arrangement you may be leaving yourself open to being taken advantage of.  The threat of pay-back from someone or feeling guilty about asking may curb the temptation to exposed your ‘soft side’. We’re looking for fairness. So I feel that “for things to work between us successfully, I need to be able to trust that you won’t make me (or yourself) suffer”.

🔆 Predictability – it’s normal for people to make forecasts, trying to figure out what others will do or what will happen, for ourself personally & in the world in general. We want to spot & prepare for threats, as well as make plans to achieve longer-term goals.  The point of greatest unpredictability is at 50%, so a reliable enemy is ‘safer’ than an unpredictable friend – at least we know where we stand with them.

🔆 Value Exchange – Most transactions in life are based on reciprocity, which works because we each Screen Shot 2015-09-20 at 9.27.35 PMvalue things differently. You need food & have a skill, I have money & need a job done…..  Trust in value-exchange occurs when you don’t know very much (or at all) about them, their intention or what they’re actually going to provide. AND you don’t know exactly if what you’re getting is what you asked for & expected.

HEALTHY – You are trustworthy if YOU :
♦︎ keep other people’s confidential information, secrets & vulnerabilities private (exception = when it’s dangerous to others or illegal)
♦︎ regularly follow through on your commitments & show up when / where you say you will be
♦︎ own your mistakes, offer genuine apologies, & then make amends
♦︎ set clear limits & respect those of others
♦︎ when appropriate, show empathy & provide support without harsh judgment

RECOVERY re. “UNDER-Trusting” post – Consider these positive internal responses in relation those who —
• are mean to us: Develop the ability & skill to stand up to them when appropriate & not a danger, or stay away from them altogether

• ignore us: Teach the WIC that no one can make us invisible! Some can see us & some cannot – it’s not a reflection on us (pun intended)!  When we cover o a True Self we are visible to ourself & to those who have ‘eyes’, knowing that we can’t make “blind people see colors!” Everyone else is only a potential connection, but not a necessary one

• do have good boundaries: It’s not their job to rescue or parent us. The distress that gets triggered by their responses to us is from our old wounds, not their behavior. This pain needs to be owned & dealt with in Program, therapy & our spiritual practice.
🙂 And we can learn from these healthier people to develop our own limits & self-care.  The ideal goal is to surround ourself with people who are genuinely trustworthy that will create a safe present & an even better future.

NEXT: Healthy Trust #3

HEALTHY TRUSTING (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , , , ,

catching myself

PREVIOUS: Patterns of Mistrust #2

 

“TRUST” comes from the German word “trost” meaning ‘consolation’, which implies feeling comfortable. In this context it’s relevant to remember that ACoAs almost never felt comforted growing up.
It’s one reason we were never able to trust! And now, as adults, we don’t realize how much we still need to be comforted, so we’re ashamed when we feel vulnerable, needy & ‘feeling sorry’ for ourselves

✶ Genuine trust is first & ultimately foremost about being able to trust ONESELF, a quality we cultivate via our True inner Voice. As an adult, it’s trusting your own judgement, knowing from experience & mindfulness that you will get what you’ve asked for – rather than being afraid & hesitantthumbsUp

A major factor for trusting others IS picking the right person, location, opportunity… that suits us & is do-able, staying away from those that are not.
While there’s a certain level of risk because people & life can be unpredictable, if we’re emotionally balanced, it’s possible to be confident enough to handle setbacks & disappointments

• ACoAs need & want safety above all else – even more than love – neither of which our parents provided enough of, so we believe we’re not entitled to it
• But we can’t feel safe if we can’t trust. AND we can’t trust as long as we’re flooded with Self-Hate! The Al-Anon preamble says “…..we will love you until you can love yourself”.

Healthy trust is not about who or what others are. This is hard for ACoAs to internalize because of co-dependence & S-H.  ACoAs need to find people & / or groups that are safe enough to help us heal so we can become kind to ourselves (via the Loving Parent) & trust that “I know what I know!” (via the Healthy Adult)

• Assumption: ACoAs usually think of trust only in the  POSITIVE – ‘I can rely on X…… I can expect Y to…..’, which is true but only unrealiablehalf the story, & encourages Over-Trusting

HOWEVER
• Balance: Healthy Trust also includes knowing who & what is NOT reliable. The characteristics & patterns of Damage are just as predictable & consistent as those of Health, but will only cause problems.

• We can trust that a specific person will continually abuse or disappoint us, based on their consistent pattern of behavior (patent, ‘friend’…)
• We can trust that a specific location will usually be unsuitable or dangerous (bars, some neighborhoods….)
• We can trust that a type of event is the wrong one for us……

Once we know what to look for we can see it all around us, & depend on the outcome to be harmful or just a waste of time – without having to be hit over the head each time!

EXP: If you’re not paying attention when you go into a room & sit down on the first chair that looks comfortable – you may be shocked & maybe injured if it collapses & you land on your butt – because you assumed all chairs are equally well made & sturdy

🍋 Yet that’s what ACoAs often do with people & situations – we don’t pay attention or evaluate who or what we’re getting involved with.  Many times we accept friends lovers, jobs, pets, invitations, apartments …. without asking: “What do I want? Is this something I’m interested in? Does this suit my needs or fit my personality?
AND: “What is this person/place telling we about themself?”

TRUST (T) is valid when:
• we’re clear about the ‘rules’ of T – rather than being in fantasy
• the prerequisites for T exist – we’ve done some due-diligence
• we assess who or what does NOT warrant our T – so we don’t waste time & energy on them
fia-color• we experience a positive outcome from trusting the right person or info (feel calmer or relieved / get the introduction we heard about / receive the  promised money / enjoy a shared experience ….)
EXP:  Faith – the trust-er believes that their chosen path is pre-ordained by a Higher Force, so whatever happens is fated & therefore welcomed. This removes a great deal of worry about the outcome of faith-based decisions will be, whether successful & joyful or unpleasant & tragic.

NEXT: Healthy Trust (Part 2)

ACoAs: PATTERNS of Mistrust (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

mistrustI’LL NEVER GET WHAT I WANT
so I might as well end it

PREVIOUS: Patterns of Mistrust (Part 1)

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.


PATTERNS (cont)
c. PARANOIA // d. OVER-TRUSTING
e. MIND-READING
We’re always trying to figure out:
• WHY someone did or didn’t do what we wanted (“Why hasn’t he called me back?, Why did thmindreadingey leave?”…). We think that if we can figure it out, we can fix ourself so they won’t leave us, or so they’ll come back

• WHAT they’re thinking in general, & specifically about us, so we know where we stand, what they want from us, how we should behave ……
Our co-dependence makes us assume that if they like us we‘re allowed to live, but if they disapprove or are angry at us we should be dead! & this happens over & over with each person, so we’re emotional yo-yos

f. BACK-DOOR
At the same time we build-in a defense strategy in relationships to manage our FoA by automatically looking for flaws in others, which we can use as an excuse to escape the minute we feel disappointed or hurt. back doorThey’re bound to fail our secret wishes to be taken care of, by — not reading our mind, not rescuing us, not symbiosing with us….
It’s our ‘fear of commitment’, so we never quite have both feet firmly plated in the relationship, BUT then complain that we can’t connect / don’t feel close / aren’t valued….

• An extreme version of this is when we really do want to get out of a relationship but don’t have the right or the courage to do it directly — we create drama (fights, an affair, constantly pressuring them….), pushing the other person away in order to force them into doing the leaving. BUT then we feel abandoned, unloved – & angry!

g. TESTING
On the one hand we have created a set of rules for others to follow (no matter what kind of relationship), often unconsciously AND which we don’t tell the other person about.  Our rules are THAT OTHERS:
• treat us in the the positive ways we say we’d like, but are not allowed to ask for directly or do for ourself
• fulfill our expectation & demand they be the good parents we didn’t have
• are the measuring stick we use to know what to expect – so we won’t be conned & not feel so vulnerable testing

💔 THEN we wait to see how many of our ‘rules’  they provide & which ones they violate. When they inevitably fail, we feel justified in our anger & disenchantment from them – & all of humanity!

h. The THIRD DEGREE
On the other hand, we may try to be safe by asking endless questions, probing to see what’s really going on, to see if the situation is safe, what do they like, want, need…..
NOTE: Information about who people are is legitimate & necessary – but here we’re talking about frantic, incessant interrogation because we can’t trust our perceptions, or other people, & can’t let things unfold slowly

i. PREEMPTIVE STRIKES
a. Verbally attack or threaten physical harm ahead of assumed danger, especially if someone has inadvertently pushed one of our old buttons, like accusing us wrongly or acting needy
EXP: A young woman threatened each new lover with bodily harm on the first date if he ever did or said anything to scare her

b. Since we assume we’ll be abandoned sooner or later, WE:
• can’t wait to tell others about how messed up we arepreempt love
• act obnoxious & immature
• never respond to anything seriously, using ‘clever’ phrases
• stay very impersonal, only talking from the head, only about actions
• insult others, have a hostile attitude most of the time, answer civil or ‘innocent’ questions with ridiculous or angry retorts
EXP: A young woman reacted harshly when a new boyfriend asked if she was going to make him breakfast. She spit out “I wouldn’t be caught dead cooking!”
• One girl was asked by another if she liked her dress. The first answered:  “I wouldn’t wear it, but it’s ok on you”

NEXT: Healthy Trusting (Part 1)

ACoAs: PATTERNS of Mistrust (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , , ,

protect heartI HAVE TO PROTECT MYSELF AT ALL COSTS
– even if it keeps me from being loved!I

PREVIOUS: UNDER-Trusting (Part 3)

 

IMP:
We are not to blame for being deeply mistrustful of everyone.
But we also need to be clear about how we perpetuate the patterns created by our trauma so we can stop beating ourself up, feeling ashamed, & limiting our options. (CDs: INFO & the Brain)
Instead, we can try out new internal beliefs & external actions.

• We have experienced many, many betrayals by the important people in our life – from family, friends, spouse, school, church or government. Some or all of these betrayals are so extreme we may never be able to forgive, regardless of what the ‘gurus’ tell us.
This is not to deny the benefits of forgiveness – just that if we can’t do it (yet) but believe we should, or else we’re bad/sinful, we unfairly add to our self-hate & sense of failure, which retards recovery.

PATTERNS* of Mistrust
* All of these are being generated by our WIC in an attempt to protect ourself from further harm.  But they’re totally unsuccessful, since they prevent us from getting the closeness & love that heals – that we so desperately want AND have a right to. These behaviors are all forms of control – based on trying to stave off more PMES abandonment.

a. FAKE ME
WIC pretendingAs a child we definitely got the message that who & what we were was unacceptable to our parents. So as adults, when interacting with others, the WIC – in dress-up – tries to ‘improve’ our presentation by twisting in unnatural avatars, into something we think some present-day person or group is going to want or find acceptable

• We spend a lot of time trying to figure out “how I should feel, what I should wear, what I’m going to say”…… & never get it quite right, because it’s artificial. Of course, if we’re being run by our WIC who’ still believes the PP, we don’t know our True Self so can’t relate from a place of empowerment. It’s very hard to be safe and healthy at the same time.

b. LABELING
Some of us decide at the beginning of a relationship (potential friend or lover) what kind it’s going to be, without having enough information about the other person to know, or giving it enough time to develop organically.  We may think: “THIS ONE IS :
• just going to be a friendship
• just for sex
• isn’t going to last
• just casual
• permanent  / ‘the one’
• the one I can’t live without
• I’ll love forever”……

Again, we’re trying to control the outcome to be prepared for the inevitable abandonment we expect.  Preconceived notions MAY –
• actually create a self-fulfilling prophecy of loss because we prevented a connection from growing into something positive
• shock us with unexpected results, if we have illusions about it
• severely disappoint all unrealistic expectations
• occasionally surprise us by turning into something better than hoped for
AL-ANON SAYING : “Take the action & let go of the result”

c. PARANOIA
Because we were so often hurt as a child, we conclude that for the rest of our life everyone** will inevitably do us harm, sooner or later.  So we assume the worst of anyone we meet, men and women, although some of us may be more afraid of one gender than another, depending on which parent was more consistently damaging or crueler.paranoid

• We actually scan our environment for the potential danger we’re sure is there & – of course – we find it
• We ALSO ignore all the neutral or positive people & things around us, so we can maintain our ‘story’ that “The whole world is dangerous”, in order to validate our childhood trauma

** This is our reaction even with people who have consistently proven to treat us well, making it hard to benefit from anyone who can be there for us in healthy ways

d. OVER-TRUSTING (recent post)
SEE the Red Flags waving in our face. Everyone tells us about themself, subtly or not, yet we ignore all the unhealthy things we hear & experience about people we ‘need’, staying too long at the party & getting trampled. Then wonder why we can’t trust!

NEXT: Patterns of Mistrust (Part 2)

ACoAs UNDER – Trusting & the Brain (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

untrustworthy

I DON’T WANT TO BE ALONE – but I’m afraid to let anyone in 

PREVIOUS: Under-Trusting (#2)

POST : ”Lack of Trust”

QUOTES: “Our distrust is very expensive.”  ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
“He who does not trust enough, will not be trusted.” ~Lao Tzu

INFO
🪴 Perception of competence = A person’s self-evaluation of their abilities, skills & readiness to succeed in specific areas
POS : The assumption that when we need to cooperate with other people, we’re capable of providing each other with what’s needed
NEG  :  In abusive situations, an obvious violation of competence is the neglectful parent – those doubting their skills experience higher stress & may withdraw from interacting with their children.

Perception of intention – the ability to infer another person’s motives, goals or underlying plans – just from observing their behavior.
POS : In a trusting relationship – it’s believing that everyone’s working towards a shared desire, & no one’s going to be exploited
NEG : However, we can’t / should not trust someone we think or know is trying to use us for their own benefit

🔶 WHY ACoAs DON’T Trust (Part 2)

🔶 RESULTS of UNDER-Trusting (UT)
🥀 EMOTIONAL
• we miss out on the joys & challenges of intimacy by never letting our guard down, AND we don’t find out what’s really going on with others
• it makes us bitter & cynical about people, missing out on great friendships & love – which would be healing
• we miss out on fun & companionship, which would alleviate some of our loneliness, AND provide relaxation

🥀 PERSONALdeprivation
• Keeps us isolated : if we became suspicious / paranoid in childhood, then the isolation makes us more so – because we don’t know what’s really going on around us
• Makes it hard to fulfill our potential, because we don’t trust genuine praise, NOR helpful info from friends, bosses, teachers….

🥀 SOCIAL
• Don’t let others know who we really are – not just our needs but our abilities, SO don’t get the mirroring & validation that’s crucial for success
• Lose respect & ‘street cred’ at work for not being more social or a team player
• Miss outlonely-senior on available info & opportunities that are better suited  to us
• People won’t easily come to us for our knowledge, expertise, help… SO we don’t get the admiration & honors we’ve earned & desperately want
• Possibly lose loved ones, friends, even jobs – by being suspicious, stingy, unfriendly, uncommunicative

🥀 BEHAVIORAL
• Deprivation – we end up having to do everything ourself & what we can’t do alone gets left undone – even if it’s important
• Keeps us from taking legitimate risks (requires trust in the possibility of good outcomes), because we don’t have help when truly needed (sick, moving, fired, divorce, kids…)
spiritual disconnect• On a broader scale, under-trusting separates us from the world at large. It can make us suspicious of anyone ‘not like us’, potentially leading to anti-social behavior
• IT makes it hard to have a spiritual connection, which prevents us from the sense of belonging to the human race, leaving us ‘out in the cold’ just like we were in our family.
*    *     *    *    *
🟩 The BRAIN & Trusting
1. A 2015 study with 82 participants showed differences in brain structure based to how trusting someone is of others.
Most important finding :  the ventral medial prefrontal cortex was larger in those who tended to be more trusting, the area that evaluates social rewards.

ALSO :  the volume of the amygdala was greater in 2 groups – those who were most trusting & those who were least trusting of others. This brain structure helps encode & remember things that are emotionally important to us.

2. Many of our decisions hinge on how much we trust others, built on past dealings with a person OR their reputation.
Another study used MRI to brain-scan participants while playing a Trust Game with various partners who – by social reputation – were pre-labeled as fair, unfair & indifferent, in order to make trust-based decisions together.

Any activated part of the brain uses more oxygen, so the more oxygenated blood that flows into an area, the stronger the signal.
RESULT : the area called the caudate (deals with decisions & responds to reputation) “lit up” most strongly in the ‘trusters’ when dealing with unfair or indifferent partners, but not with the fair ones.

NEXT: Patterns of Mistrust – #1

ACoAs UNDER-Trusting (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help

001c0405llALL AUTHORITY IS BAD – & determined to keep me down!

PREVIOUS: UNDER-Trusting (#1)

POST : “Unrealistic Expectations”

 

🔶 UNDER-Trusting (UT) (Part

🔶 WHY ACoAs DON’T Trust (cont.)
a. Abandonment // b. Self-Hate

c. Shame  (IMP : first read posts re. shame)
• We feel such deep shame about feeling unlovable, the bad seed, a mess, too damaged…. that we withdraw from others so they won’t see who we “really” are & what we need
• OR we compulsively tell everyone all the things that are wrong with us (TMI)
& then feel ashamed for exposing ourself – but keep doing it

It’s true that our culture generally does not value or respect vulnerability – only a ‘stiff upper lip’. So if we talk to the wrong person about our pain, they’ll make fun, dismiss, judge, say we’re “overreacting, it’s all in the past, we should be over it by now.”….. but the most common thing we’ll hear is : Don’t be negative” – which BTW is about Thinking, not Emotions! ➡️

NOTE: This is not the same as sharing about our inner wounds in meetings or therapy, where it’s appropriate, even though we feel shame & fear of punishment & rejection in those places too

EXP – Angela borrowed $35 from a recovery friend. She was going thru a very hard year & kept putting off repaying. Then she moved to another city & lost touch. The woman finally tracked her down & angrily demanded her due, saying Angela was irresponsible & not to be trusted.

Angela was very upset, knowing she was in the wrong, but also realizing that trying to always look good on the outside, she had been too ashamed to tell the woman about her health & money troubles, which would have helped her ‘friend’ understand the delay.

d. Unrealistic Expectations
unrealisticEven though many ACoAs can’t or don’t want to be dependable, honest or fair (#3 on the ACoA Laundry List) we have a desperate need for everyone else to be.

Also, we’re too literal  – so we assume / need to believe that people mean exactly what they say. This is normal for children, but not realistic as adults.  If we hear:
✦ “ I’ll bring you the book tomorrow”, we look forward to getting it the next day
✦ “I’ll call you right back”, we sit around & wait, & wait…..
✦ “Let’s get together soon”, we want to know exactly when

THEN if they don’t come thru, ACoAs get very upset, leaving us:
• deeply disappointed, so our mistrust gets reinforced
• feeling S-H, convinced that it’s personal (NOT), that it’s our fault, we weren’t likable, assertive, clear enough….

REALITY – The other person may:
• be a people-pleaser, just being polite, so the ‘promise’ is not sincere, but not malicious
• have meant it at the time they said it, but got busy, forgot, got distracted or delayed….
YES, occasionally we run in to a narcissist or sadist who is just messing with us (maybe like one of our parents or classmates…) but that will be rarer, unless we’re still living with someone like that! reation to authority

e. Authority
ACoAs automatically distrust all authority figures because the first ones in our life were cruel or weak. This then gets extended to the ‘ultimate authority’ – God.  Now we react in one of 3 ways, by:
⚡️ being victims & people-pleasers OR rebelling & fighting OR withdrawing & isolating

• This is understandable as far as early experience is concerned. However, as adults we’ll continue fearing all authority ONLY as long as we’re not yet empowered ourself.
If we’re still interacting with the world mainly as a WIC, then we continue to depend on others, & so are always vulnerable to bad parent figure – teachers, bosses, therapist, doctors, politicians….
🔺With a True Self, healthy self-esteem & good boundaries, we can be on an equal footing with others

leadershipUNHEALTHY: Some ACoAs need to be ‘the authority figure’ so that:
• we can punish others for what was done to us
• no one can take advantage of us
• we can put others in their place (down)

HEALTHY: Some people are born to be leaders, entrepreneurs, self-motivators, & can grow into taking on the mantle of power without misusing it.  Not everyone is born to be ‘under’ someone’s authority (working for others).

NEXT: Under-trusting (Part 3)

ACoAs UNDER-Trusting (Part 1)

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one eye openALWAYS KEEP ONE EYE OPEN –
you never know where danger lurks!

PREVIOUS: OVER-Trusting (#2)

POST : ‘What is Shame’

See “Acronyms” for abbrev.

🏴 MISTRUST = Suspicion  — the lack of trust rests in us, by not following our intuition, observation, experience…. This shows up as feeling a general sense of unease about someone or something, but without proof (yet) WHEN :
• you have no immediate reason to think someone will do the wrong thing, but you don’t have a reason to trust them either
• OR: a person or situation really does seem questionable, because your intuition is picking up a hint from their words, action or manner
• OR: there’s actually no reason to be suspicious, but your mistrust is not deserved (paranoia)

🏴‍☠️ DISTRUST = Certainty — the lack of trust rests in ‘them’, WHEN :
• you have good reason to not trust someone based on your many experiences with them, not just once
• you’re given reliable information about someone or something which lets you know they’re not safe / trustworthy

🔶 UNDER-Trusting (UT) as Adults 
The way we think & react emotionally to how others behave – not even necessarily toward us – has a direct impact on our lack of trust (our Ts – CDs and Es – FoA).paranoid  This is usually based on all our disappointing & painful relationships with unsafe adults in the past, mainly those with our parents.

Those experiences can easily lead to a subtle, underlying paranoia that colors everything. Going forward, what’s necessary for mental health & peace of mind is to see & understand who people are individually, not lumping them together as all bad or unsafe.

REALITY : We incorrectly ‘mistrust’ some people WHO —
•  are simply not interested in us. It’s nothing personal – we’re just not a good fit, or they’re caught up in their own world
•  really are insensitive, mean or otherwise unavailable, which hurts
•  are just taking care of themselves instead of focusing on us – at the moment – This may feel like they’re turning their back, because we’re expecting them to be the good Inner Parent for us – as comfort & companionship

Without a Healthy Adult ego-state the WIC in us can’t tell the difference between these 3 groups – so when disappointed, we regress into that old ‘slough of despair” (Pilgrim’s Progress), where “all is cloudy, hopeless & no one is ‘good’!”

🔶 WHY ACoAs DON’T TRUST
cling /rejecteda. Abandonment (too many PMES losses)
Because we were raised by untrustworthy people, as adults we’re still longing to be taken care of by someone else. So WE —
— continue to cling to people, places & situations (PPT) which do not have to the inherent capacity to provide even our most basic human needs, much less compensate for all we missed out on in childhood. The combined of old & new deprivation adds up, which can be deadly for us & to those around us.
Accumulation over the years : the less we’re treated with respect —> the more abandoned we feel —-> the more wounded we get —-> the more demanding the WIC becomes —> getting angrier & angrier.

When our core abandonment button is pushed we may resort to using familiar character defects: freaked out
• withdraw, sulk, withhold          • be paranoid & accusatory
• get controlling & micromanage     • be clingy & desperate

AND when our anxiety reaches the level of hysteria, we can’t stop ourself from making a painful situation worse, setting others up to fight with or withdraw from us, increasing our sense of loss & mistrust.
Then we say “See, I knew it all along – no one is there for me!” even though in some cases we contributed to it by our behavior & choices

b. Self-Hate – As a result of original abandonment, WE:
wrongElliInternally: • don’t know who we are, fundamentally
• can’t identify most our needs (even the basic, normal human ones) much less have the right to get them met
• are convinced we don’t deserve to be treated well, so don’t notice or reject anyone who is actually capable of being kind
• don’t trust our own knowledge, experience & observations

Externally: • we stay too long with unhealthy people
• don’t trust that anyone will ever be able or willing to help us
THEN we say “I hate everyone, no one likes me, I don’t belong anywhere”….

NEXT: Under-Trusting (Part 2)

ACoAs: OVER-Trusting (Part 3)

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promise the moon WHAT’S WRONG WITH PRETENDING
everything’s just fine?

PREVIOUS: Over-trusting (#2)

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

POST: “People should treat me better, BUT I won’t let them”

🔷 We trust TOO EASILY when we…. (Part 2)

🔷 WHY DO WE OVER-TRUST?  (cont)
a. FoA (fear of abandonment)
b. Self-hate

c. Co-dependence — a form of “Delayed Stress Syndrome” or PTSD
• we use people as substitute parents instead of being our own, so we can’t afford to notice flaws or limitations in them, no matter how glaring
• we don’t have the right to object to other people’s b.s., so naturally we would never think of calling them on it (see Toxic Rules)

copdep• we depend on the opinions & values of others too much, convinced they know things we don’t, so EVEN when we have knowledge or intuition about a person or situation – we ignore it, especially if someone else disagrees
• we don’t want to, god-forbid, hurt anyone’s feeling by ‘suspecting’ them of being less than trustworthy – as they blatantly or subtly do us in!

EXP: Social conformity: As unhealed adults, if we’re forced to be part of a group where trust is expected / demanded – by a parent, teacher, boss, gang leader — no matter how irrational, unfair, evil, illegal — we will go along with their agenda, otherwise we’ll be severely punished, labeled coward &/or ostracized (may be true if we chose & stayed in the wrong one)
OR:
• Despair: Being in a hopeless situation we can’t get out of (like a child in an alcoholic home) – then trusting whoever’s in charge is the lesser of 2 evils, as a way to survive

d. Illusions
Growing up – constant disappointment in our family makes us long for everyone else  we can depend on, so to make up for it, we put people on a pedestal :
• IF our parent was mentally ill, we idealize anyone who sounds ‘normal’ & functional – even tho’ they may be selfish or controllingidealize sickness
• IF our parent was violent, we idealize anyone who seems calm, even tho’ they may be emotionally numb & unavailable

• IF our parent was verbally cruel, we idealize people who are ‘nice’, even tho’ they may be a people-pleaser & therefore not totally genuine
• IF our parent was absent, we idealize people who ‘want us’, even tho’ they may just be using us to take care of them …..

e. Confusion
• Our family didn’t model appropriate behavior, seeing everything in B & W – drama, extremes, deprivation…. so now we evaluate the world using the same lens.  We have trouble distinguishing nuances of good vs bad behavior & don’t consider proportions. Instead of looking for relationships made of 70 – 80% positives with only 20 – 30% negatives (which is reasonable), we settle for the crumbs of only 10 – 30% positives – if that – & ignore a huge pile of crap!

sweep it away• When someone hurts & disappoints us, especially if we love & / or admire them, we tend to push away whatever we feel & think about their behavior – sweeping it under the carpet & saying nothing. Instead, we hold in our anger & get depressed.

They may or may not be in the wrong, & we may or may not be overreacting – even when they are off-center. The positive thing to do is first to process any rage & CDs we may have,  & only then talk to the person about the situation – if possible – but only from our Healthy Adult ego state.  If done correctly, we’ll feel much relief, whether they hear us or not!

• And sometimes we have friends, family members, co-workers & acquaintances who are basically OK, are on our side, or at least neutral – BUT who we secretly accuse of being unsafe because :
◇ they’re not 100% perfect in their interactions with us – OR
◇ their positive regard for us is too much to take in, so we dismiss it, or
◇ they do admire us, at a distance, but are not actually friends, so we don’t trust they can see & appreciate us …..since they’re not ‘taking care’ of us

REMINDER:  As long as we’re being run by the Wounded Inner Child, we find it very hard to separate people who are permanently unsafe from those who are only unsafe some of the time, from those who are genuinely trustworthy.

NEXT: ACoAs – UNDER Trusting (Part 1)