Year: 2014

Double BINDS – Resolving (Part 13)

dmtorbi ACoAs, al-anon, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

ruggia0694cBEING THE CAPTAIN OF MY SHIP
is scary but liberating!

PREVIOUS: Double Binds (Part 11)

SITE: “Breaking the DB“

 

REVIEW
Levels: Every person or system has its own built-in self-preservation, & acts to maintain their identity (in unhealthy or healthy ways) – as seen in the family mobile. To do this successfully, the system is able to change at one level (lower) in order to maintain itself an another ‘higher’ level. See DBs, #2.

• However, the same processes that keep a system from dissolving or spiraling out of control can also block, brake, constrain, hinder, inhibit or prevent development & transformation, using BINDS : any repetitive self-preserving pattern which never-the-less is inappropriate or unhelpful, & which the D.Binded person has not been able to change

• The structure of each bind is unique, & can be expressed many ways :
= conceptually – such as the line by Groucho Marx, “I don’t want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member”
= metaphors: “I’m trying to run round a track to overtake my ideal self twice, and the more I develop the more the gap widens.”
= non-verbally, as multi-layered conundrums, in indefinitely repeating patterns, as in R.D. Lang’s EXP of the CLASSIC ACoA knot! (in Modelling Bs & DBs)

Resolving DBs in Therapy
As clients become aware of their binding patterns they’re faced with a hard choice : to be forever trapped in them,
OR risk moving into that scariest of places – the Unknown. But as their DBs become clearer, the person may spontaneously reorganize their thinking, which modifies or eliminates their need to DB themselves or others.

PROCESS – See chart
• Name & locate parts of your ideas in metaphoric language. ASK what’s underneath the DB beliefs, using “Being stuck is like …..” statements (in a cave, in mud, chained to a bed…. ) & Because ….. (Negative Benefits)

• Clarify the patterns across ideas / beliefs (the T.E.A.s) AND the relationships between components – what does a. & b. have to do with each other?
• Once identified, the patterns themselves can be labeled, symbolically represented & explored (ankle chains, bugs in the brain, pressure on chest…… burning, drowning, crushed…. )

• Thus the modeling process (gathering all the elements & then subtracting what’s not relevant) continues at a higher, more inclusive level of organization (One Cognitive distortion inside all Toxic Rules)
The combination of components provides a Metaphor Landscape, a context in which a pattern of the patterns – the larger inclusive organization – emerges, providing the requirements for change (LEVELS – all the way up and all the way down …. excellent explanation) “‘Levels’ is a common metaphor for arranging experience. Lower levels are defined by more specific examples of higher levels.”

Note: The “Operational Closure” at each level of this procedure occurs when the various components and their inter-relationships are clear enough so that the whole ‘frame’ is brought into the person’s consciousness.
FULL explanation of Chart ⬇️

Double BINDS – Changing (Part 12)

dmtorbi ACoAs, al-anon, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

I KNOW THERE IS HOPEsmile
if I’m willing to stand firm

PREVIOUS: Double Binds (Part 6b)

SITE: “The Double Bind: The Intimate Tie” (Re. Schizophrenia & Borderline PD)

CHANGING the GAME
1. Mental, Practical – “We learn the rope of life by untying its knots.” Jean Toomer, American poet / novelist (see Parts 8-11)

2. Emotional / Spiritual
LIFE is movement, & all movement has momentum. This means that our reactions & choices create changes in direction – we’re always ‘going toward somewhere’ (Desire), and ‘going away from somewhere’ (Aversion). It’s our normal state.
Anyone not aware of this basic Human Design principle is very vulnerable to manipulation – negative DBs causing stagnation, the opposite of Life.

⚑ Unfortunately, many spiritual teachings associate desire with shame, & aversion with virtue. ‘Followers’ – who consider themselves sooo higher-minded – take great pride in all the things they abhor, while convinced that needing / wanting is a personal flaw or sin. Of course, this is also the way to obey several Toxic Family Rules – which makes is easy for Double Binders to use this distortion to capture their audience – including you. (review “DBs”, Part 1)

⚐ TRANSFORMATION (healing) cannot be forced, but is rather a process, & when or how long it takes is unique to each of us. However, as we know, there are tools available that encourage the shifts we’d like to experience, if we’re persistent.
🤔 For long-term changes we need a clear mind – free of enough repressed & denied emotions – so we can more easily access logical thinking & creativity. That will allow us to actually have choices, & find possible alternatives to the DMs we’ve absorbed

This requires the Receiver R (us) of DMs to have enough S & I, self-esteem & good boundaries – to no longer be overwhelmed by the terror of losing the connection with the S. Some fear is to be expected – so the process requires courage – the ability to take action in the face of anxiety.

☆ One key to resolving D.Binds is to 1st realize they are a lie just like perfectionism or self-hate, & induce the illusioillusion/lien that we’re trapped.
As adults we always have some options other than those forced on us as kids. We can find alternatives, with help, if we’re willing to explore the beliefs & values that hold the illusion in place, based on what we assume is real.

• Many organizations across the world are now providing services that offer support, with practical tools to shape our future. ARTICLE “Let It Go: How to Not let things Bother You”

• Mental, Emotional & Spiritual maturity** allow us to embrace paradox (DBs Part 9), instead of running away, by “passing through the dilemma of irreconcilable double-binds” (no-win). We can only do this if we’re willing to struggle through the various stages of personal growth.

Elizabeth Michaels’ book FACTICITY: A Door to Mental Health & Beyond – offers a sophisticated way of resolving paradox & resistance.
“Facticity is designed to shift the experience of living from either/or conflict to both/and – acceptance & balance. This NLP model includes a collection of techniques providing a framework for experiencing opposite dualities as complementary rather than in opposition.”

**Maturity is how well we :
♛ realistically understand situations in their present-day context
♛ are in touch with our emotions as well as in being in charge of how or when we express them
♛ usually respond from the Adult ego state, with ourself & in dealing with others. (Review posts)
♡ Maturity eliminates Perfectionism!

• A sign of this maturity is living in the middle state which can be called ‘Abiding’ – calmly BE-ing, or NOT-reacting.
Reacting is the endless see-saw between aversion & desire, which causes suffering. (‘DMs, Part 2’)
Firm Abiding is the place of balance between those extremes, but not a denial of needs. It’s similar to “grey-rocking“. It’s a place of peacefulness & assurance – aways a place of our choice.

★ If you have to – or want to – continually deal with a D.Binding control-artist, then being able to stay in Abiding-mode is indeed a personal victory! This is not easy & hard to keep up, but is a fundamental way to outwit DBs.

NEXT: DBs, Part 7b

Double BINDS – Positive Use (Part 11)

dmtorbi ACoAs, al-anon, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , , ,

DBs - contrast

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

THERE’S ALWAYS A WAY AROUND
if I only knew how!

PREVIOUS: Double Binds (Part 10)

SITE: “Talking to Toddlers: Double Binds in Parenting Young Kids”
BOOK: ‘Covert Persuasion’ + comments)

Kindle BOOK: “Double-Binds: The DNA of Emotional & Mental Problems, & How to Make use of Their Positive Potential” – John Lentz (DNA = Double Negative Association)

SURPRISE: After all these post on the ‘evil’ of D. Messages & D. Binds – would you believe there are actually ways to use DM for good?
On the one hand they can cause untold suffering.
On the other – the pain can motivate us to transform ourself, if we’re willing to do the work.

• The POSITIVE use of DBs was instituted by Dr. Milton Erickson, as a therapeutic tool. He first learned the art of the DB from his father, who would ask, “Do you want to feed the chickens first or the hogs, & then do you want to fill the wood box or pump the water for the cows first.” The elder Erickson gave Milton a choice of which chore to do first, but the boy was not free to leave the chores undone. Erickson admitted he consented mainly because he chose the order in which he did them.

Erickson & Bateson used positive DBs for spiritual growth, & to confront patients with the contradictions in their life, to help them heal. DBs allow a person to have a set of injunctions which support them in many situations, whichever choice they make.
EXP:”Get enough sleep for your health” AND “Don’t sleep your life away”

PURPOSE: to help people release painful emotions & get past resistance to positive changes. Sometimes they don’t want either choice of a positive bind, even though both are to their benefit. But DBs are one of the most effective indirect language tools for inducing trance, as a way to loosen stuck-ness.

“Invaluable leaps in learning & personal development involve Including positive DBs & Transforming / Transcending negative binding patterns. Often our greatest strengths come from being doubly bound to express both sides. EXP: Steve Jobs could not not innovate.” (From What are Double Binds?)

» It can also induce us to be “completely present” at a difficult time in a relationship, letting go of past situations that resembles this one, in order to consider what our partner needs right now.
The double bind is an opportunity to communicate more effectively, & possibly to become wiser. (MORE…. )

Clinical Hypno-therapist Dr. Jay Stone uses double & triple binds to subtly aid his clients. CHART ⬇️  re. Self-care.
You can apply it to any specific issue you want to work on.
◆  In two-level communication, the conscious mind gets a choice, but the unconscious mind does not

◆  In the triple bind, the person’s conscious mind is allowed to choose how often to apply the lesson, but the unconscious mind has agreed to self-care as soon as the conscious mind made its choice of frequency.
★ ACoAs:
This way of using DBs is very effective with toddlers (see ‘SITE’ above) and is worth learning to use with our WIC, who is usually resistant to more direct forms of change.

WIN-WIN We can learn to create win-wins for ourselves & others, using positive DBs to encourage a desired outcome. This makes both Sender & Receiver right, no matter what they do or say, which is empowering rather than living in anxiety. There are 5 dimensions of the Win/Win model: Character, Relationships, Agreements, Supportive Systems & Processes ⬇️

In Business &/or Parenting Screen Shot 2013-09-08 at 4.29.04 PM
a. In a competitive situation OR in an unhealthy one, where making a safe connection is not possible, Win/Lose is a valid option. (MORE….)

b.When forging a positive relationship is the main focus & goal, Win/Win is the desirable outcome

• In that case, the “Purpose frame” is applicable -the NLP frame used for Chunking Up – to discover the motivation for doing something. It is a way to give the other person what they want (actual need), but not what they asked for (request).

NEXT: DBs – Part 12

Double BINDS – Tools (Part 10)

dmtorbi ACoAs, al-anon, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

THERE IS HELP AVAILABLE – all I have to do is use it!

PREVIOUS: Double Binds (Part 9)


RECOVERING from DBs

😓 Remember the old Gershwin song “Someone To Watch Over Me”? Maybe no one ever did truly watch over you, so you didn’t learn to do it for yourself. NOW is a good time to start – by learning to be the Loving Parent you never had.

While we can’t stop being afraid of making changes in dealing with D.Binders, we can take some preemptive actions.
Before talking to / spending time with a difficult person, you can plan ahead to reinforce yourADULT& PARENT ego states, so that your WIC doesn’t take over when around them :
🔆 PHYSICAL
• get enough sleep the night before, & eat healthily
• take more time to get ready, leave enough time to travel, wear something comfortable
• call a safe person for support. Take a friend with you, if possible
🔆 MENTAL
• talk to you Inner Child before the ‘event’ to prepare him / her. Do the first half of book-ending
• remember – you are NOT the crazy one
• know that you cannot be perfect, because humans aren’t!
🔆 EMOTIONAL / SPIRITAUAL
• do some rage work, if possible, to go with less pent-up rage & frustration
• pray for guidance & inner peace (see Part 12)

REMINDERS 
✦ It’s not you: You are not stupid or crazy. DBs are crazy-making, setting you up in a no-win situation by a damaged /abusive person or system
✦ Trust your gut: If you ‘feel’ something’s wrong, believe it! & if necessary – check it out with someone you trust

✦ Believe in yourself: Be aware of your own power to break free & the intelligence to get out of the dilemma, so you don’t slide into one of the co-dependent roles – Victim, Rescuing the S, or become a Perpetrator
✦ Question the statements: If what you’re being told is self-contradictory, AND you’re supposed to act on both, you know the whole communication is flawed & not to be honored

✦ Threat of or Real punishment: Be sure the person can do you actual harm. You may already have experienced how they react when you don’t fall in line with the craziness, & you survived.
INVENTORY: What form did it take? How did you cope? What was the outcome? What kind of actual power do they have over you in the present? Do they pay your bills, are they in charge of your employment ……?

If not then you definitely have the freedom to ignore the mental games they’re playing. If they do still have some control over your life, you can use suggestions in other posts

✦ Redefine punishment: Yes – the S may get angry & say mean things – but once you believe you’re a good person & you “know what I know” they’re not dangerous to your spirit.
To a child, all forms of abandonment on any PMES level feels intolerable (‘death’) . Besides physical abuse, it includes disapproval, verbal abuse, being ignored & deprived…. But you are no longer a child.

✦ Meet your own standards: Since all DB choices lead to punishment – if you must choose – give yourself permission to pick the side of the bind that fits your personality & circumstances, even if others around you don’t agree
✦ Change the focus: In some cases, you can successfully shift attention outside the double bind (DBs – Part 5b)

✦ Look for allies within the situation: Adults need to go elsewhere for approval, respect, kindness… since the S is not willing or able to provide these. In the medical example (DMs, Part 4b) maybe someone in the doctor’s office can encourage & validate you. Don’t let your fear & shame isolate you.

✦ Get external support: Look for people, groups & activities that help you feel strong, resilient & creative – so you can breathe!
Keep searching until you find outside witnesses or authorities who will believe you & understand the problem

✦ Walk away: It’s a big world AND you have options now.. Teach your WIC that you can get your needs met in abuse-free ways. Keep looking for them using your UNIT.  (MORE….)

NEXT: DBs  (#11) – Uses

Double BINDS – Escaping (Part 9)

dmtorbi ACoAs, al-anon, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

escape DBs
I’M WILLING TO MAKE THE EFFORT
of finding a way out of this tangle

PREVIOUS: DBs – Part 8b

 


ESCAPING DBs – requires:
• flexible thinking – giving up either/or (B & W) limitations
• a capacity to see beyond the obvious
• being curious & creative, willing to take risks
• having the courage to let go of the past & it’s ‘training’

🌱Find your own ways to “leave the field of the DB”. Be creative.
Use multiple visible & meta perspectives, which can make a difficult situation manageable. Distinguish between :
• ongoing life events (career – upper level meaning)
• a specific events (‘fight’ with boss – lower level) and
• the difference between them (the ‘fight’ isn’t going to end your career) you
Pick out positive parts of the DMs you can focus on & ignore the others: “Take what you like & leave the rest”, Al-Anon

🌱 Intense Emotional Attachment – The R’s anxiety of stepping outside the DB is the Fear of Abandonment – losing the symbiotic S&I from Sdependence on the S.

GOAL: become the center of our Adult universe (‘first position’):
• accept & love our Inner Child just as he/she is
• work to uncover our True Self
• practice emotional honesty
• own your strengths & accumulated knowledge

🌱 Doing vs Being – Separate your actions from your identity – they are not the same. We know this because there’s a big difference between how we act from damaged vs how we act from our Healthy Adult / Natural Self

🌱 Look for the Payoff – Our dilemma: while DBs really do trap us & we may complain bitterly about not ‘getting anywhere’, many ACoAs are so used to being stuck & uncomfortable they won’t do anything to change it. What’s familiar FEELS ‘comforting’ – & we hate feeling uncomfortable. SO – which is it? Are we comfortable or miserable in our DB world? Pick a side.

EXP: WIC / ACoA ‘logic’ =: If I’m damned either way, that gets me off the hook. “I’m crazy & irresponsible because my hormones are out of whack OR I’m manic-depressive, OR just plain lazy….”
SO – I don’t have to do hard / painful emotions work, I don’t have to take care of myself & still get to be loyal to the family. Yipeee! – NOT

COMPROMISE – There are always options, & not all compromise is bad! AND not a sign of weakness. It shows you care about someone or something beyond yourself.
• We don’t have to like some that can make the needed shift, but if they help us get un-stuck, they’re worth it. If we stop seeing every situation as all-or-nothing, we often find at least the start of a solution.

Aristotle noted that doing ‘virtuous’ things isn’t fun at first, but can become fun once you get in the habit. And to create the habit we may have to push ourselves. Since many of us are not allowed to be self-motivating, outside help to get past the inertia can be the incentive to get our engine turning over

EXP: we might be given the DB: “Don’t be childish – do what you’re told!” MEANING:
1. act like an adult, AND at the same time
2. be a child & obey, sometimes sweetened with “Besides it’ll be fun / feel good / work out, once you get going”…..
Pick a side – or a 3rd option – & stick to it!

PARADOX – A positive use of paradox can also be an escape from a DB. The Inner Child loves to do the opposite of what it’s told. Right?
• Can’t sleep, but desperately want to?
Decide to stay awake all night, to remove the pressure. You may stay up as long as you want, OR —> just not having to will do the trick, & soon your eyes will close on their own
• Afraid to go to a party?
Decide to only stay for 15 min & then leave. Removing the pressure of having to be on & being acceptable allows you to go, & maybe even enjoy it enough to stay a little longer. Or not. (From “No way out? 3 ways to help….” )

NEXT:  DBs # 10

Double BINDS – Verbalize (Part 8c)

dmtorbi ACoAs


PREVIOUS: Verbalizing (Part 8b)

SITEs: “Psychological Edge : Own your Assertiveness”

✦ Deconstructing Double Binds

❤️ SPEAK UP (Parts a, b)
1. Say what you HEAR and OBSERVE
🔆D. Binded by OTHERS

2. SAY WHAT’S HIDDEN
〽️ DB-ing OURSELVES: We started out trapped by family experiences, then continue trapping ourselves because of the pain we don’t want to admit to or confront. (See DMs – Part 8b).

👩🏽 Remember – we’re human, with many of the same emotions & beliefs. When we speak our worries out loud, even if we think they’re trivial, it gives people around us a chance to say “Me too!”, which they may never have been able to do before. Now there’s 2 – or more – who understand, can commiserate & be supportive!

Start by identifying what you need & give yourself permission to do, to have or to feel it, even if others around you don’t agree. List all the things you want & don’t want. The contradictions will point out the DMs you’re telling yourself.

• Ask: “What do I really want in this particular situation?”
It may be one side of the DB, OR something completely different. List all the things you want & don’t want. It’s OK to be conflicted.say what's hdden

It’s also a way to sort out what has more weight.
• Do you want to go somewhere or stay home?
• Would you rather hang out or work on a project?
• See your family or go to a show?…..
Our personal DBs are about internal conflict – health vs disease, obedience vs disobedience to Toxic Rules, resentment vs letting go….

ADMITTING what we’re hiding from ourselves LETS us:get help wirh DBs
• talk to people as peers, rather than below or above them, or trying to go it alone
• be with reasonably clear-minded people who can help us face our underlying fears & confusion
• be more accessible (instead of invisible) to others, especially if we’ve been indirect or distant a long time
Saying what’s confusing will help them understand a little more about how us think & what we need.

RECOVERY EXP: In therapy Maria tackled the issue of feeling suicidal since early childhood, but never overtly acted on. She learned that the impulse partly came from her mother’s DMs:
A. “You’ll be the death of me – yet” (you’re a potential murderer, it’s only a matter of time, you terrible child)  – AND
B. “Of course I love you – you’re my baby!” (as long as you’re just like me – perfect! So don’t be yourself, ie. the Real You has to die.)

• Young Maria could never be ‘perfect’ (please mom), no matter how hard she tried. She was always doing/being something her mother couldn’t stand – because the child was not like her! By the time Maria was 10 she wished she were dead, but suicide was against her religious training.

• As a young woS & I man she ‘chose’ to date men who were not only emotionally abusive, but also physically dangerous. Maybe they would do it for her! But that never ‘worked out’ & she was left having to face the underlying problem

In terms of the DB, it came down to siding with her mother’s messages or her own sanity.
“Either she dies or I die”. Maria chose herself. Even so – her mother lived another 25 yrs, to age 90. No matter what – Maria didn’t have the power to kill her mother, and her mother had not succeeded in destroying her!

Trust your natural Resilience & Resourcefulness. Depending on how much S-H you have & how much you’ve been shamed for not ‘doing it right’, this may be really hard.  BUT it’s important for your Adult to believe “I know what I know” until the WIC can catch up.
These are not qualities we have to learn or work for. It’s something we’re born with as humans – & proof is that we’ve survived many traumatic events.
Self-trust will always demand courage, but that’s OK – we have a lot of that too.

NEXT : DBs – Escaping (#9)

Double BINDS – Verbalizing (Part 8b)

dmtorbi ACoAs


PREVIOUS: Double Binds (Part 8a)

SITE: NLP Logical Levels of Change

BOOK: Double Bind: A Guide to Recovery and Relapse Prevention for  Chemically Dependent Sexual Abuse Survivors

❤️ SPEAK UP about the Double Bind  (cont)
🗝 LANGUAGE components

1. Say what you HEAR and OBSERVE
🔆 D. Binded by OTHERS : When we speak up, some things can shift, if not in the relationship with the S, than for ourself – which is empowering. We can stand up for our rights, & say what we see & hear:
EXP a : “I’m confused! Can we slow down & figure out what we’re really talking about? You’re sending me 2 messages where one cancels out the other.
SO:
a. You say you love me, but in the same sentence tell me you can’t see me / can’t help me out / can’t go with me…. because you’re sooosay what you seeo busy.

If I say it doesn’t feel like you care about me, you ask how I could say such a thing
If I try to explain it, you get angry, insulting & belittling me. SO – there’s no point in responding.”
> OR
b. You say you love me, but then you yell, call me bad names, support others against me, blame & shame me.
If I say it doesn’t feel like you care about me, you ask how I could say that
If try to explain it, you get all hurt & victimy. SO – there’s no point in responding” (More ….)

EXP b: “Please say something that will agree with your body language and facial expression”
• Right now you’re tense & frowning, but say you’re happy to see me. Which is it? Pleased or anxious? — OR
• Right now you’re insulting me but you’re smiling. Those 2 things don’t go together. What are you angry about? Be honest or don’t say anything!

✳️ TALKING to the Sender:
• If the S can’t or won’t talk the problem through with you – at all – work it out with someone else
• If they blatantly deny your observations & feelings, don’t second-guess yourself. Stick to what you know – then you’re free &  clear

• In some cases they may be willing to admit they’re being confusing / controlling, genuinely not realizing what they were doing. That’s good, but they may still not be able or willing to change
• If they are willing to listen, you can state your need for clarity & re-wording – as a wish, & as a desire to eliminate obstacles in your relationship

✳️ USE Re-Framing on Senders  (See Part 8a)
As we make the effort to avoid playing the DB game (DMs, Part 3), it’s important to recognize the S’s reactions when we oppose or ignore them:

• Re. themself: ”See how good I am”.
They’ll strongly protest that they’re not appreciated for the benefits they provide you / society. They may tearfully wonder why their benevolence goes unnoticed or undervalued, & ask to be understood as an active agent of ‘good’.
DO NOT fall for it!

• Re. others: “See how bad you are”.
The S will try to strike fear into the ‘closed heart’ of an R who mentally or physically wants to get out of their clutches, accusing the R of being out-of-control. And with fake alarm, pointing out the one who opposes them (R) to anyone who will listen, trying to enlist others in turning the resisting person around! (narcissist’s Enablers or Flying Monkeys = family members, co-workers, neighbors….)

• Re-framing lets us think of Senders as performing a serunmask trickvice – as gifts to help us grow. Their destructive talent is the ‘art of camouflage’, but a knowledgeable person is not fooled by this evil that masquerades as goodness. Stick with the winners & trust your gut instincts.

Since you can’t win with them anyway, don’t try to placate them or explain yourself!, nor be forced out of Abiding, even though the extremes of Fight or Yield are always available. (Changing DBs, Part 12)
“Being happy is the best revenge”

NEXT: 〽️ D. Binded by OURSELF (Part 8c)

Double BINDS – Verbalizing (Part 8a)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, astrology, bible, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

say what you mean SAY WHAT YOU MEAN
but don’t say it mean!

PREVIOUS: Double Binds (# 7)

SITEs: “Escaping from the BD“
✦“Double Bind Insults”

 

❤️ SPEAK UP about the Double Bind (DB), because “You’re only as sick as your secrets.” (Al-Anon). DBs can only control us as long as we deliberately ignore our own contradictory beliefs and their contradictory messages (loyalty to toxic family, not trusting our perceptions….), or keep them out of unconsciousness altogether.

🗝 LANGUAGE components help us become aware of embedded “thought viruses” in communication distortions, (Chart in #6a). To stand up to internal or external D. Messages which put is in a D. Bind, we need to know something about the way people express themselves.
✅ Congruent communication – (matching)
All parts of the communication are consistent, agree with each other, fit together, make sense.
But if what you’re ‘Receiving’ is not self-congruent, make sure you do not participate in the S‘s game of control, so you can point it out the best you can
(Communication outlined – many types)

✅ Meaning
Listen for obvious or subtle contradictions in what someone says – or you say to yourself – often in the form of CDs.
Where’s the focus? Is the speaker – or you – talking about Thoughts, Emotions, or Actions?
Do the statements make sense? Are there obvious & hidden meanings?
EXP : What’s being implied when someone says “Even Jimmy got an A on that test!”?

✅ Levels
The function of each level of meaning is to synthesize, organize & direct the interactions on the level below it (ANIMAL – higher, vs cat // Forrest vs tree). Processes on a behavior level are different than those on a mental level.
EXP: Tying someone up would stop them from physically taking revenge, but not from continuing to plan it. In fact, it will often
encourage it. (MORE….)

Learn to discriminate between messages directed to different levels of experience, which automatically helps distinguish different levels of distortion (DMs, #1)
EXP of LEVELS, from highest to lowest : 
(1) identity (2) beliefs & values (3) capabilities (4) behavior (5) environment (6) spiritual = a type of ‘relational field’ that forms a sense of being part of a larger system beyond one’s individual identity.
EXP: “It’s a sin to lie” (2)
but “Don’t tell dad what I bought today” (4 or 6) = implied lying.

✅ Meta-messages – a special type of communication, info provided that can be unspoken but always implied, which the R picks up on but can’t prove.
These come in the form of non-verbal signals – tone of voice, body language, vocal sounds (sigh, grunt…) or facial expressions – which contradict the spoken words (incongruent), sending a D.Message

Notice the small visible changes in unspoken cues when someone’s talking (a frown, inappropriate smile or voice tone, clenched fists, stiff posture …)
IF they’re at odds with the words being spoken. EXP: ACoAs are notorious for telling horrific childhood events while smiling, even laughing!

Paying attention can help identify mixed messages by tracking & sorting various types of verbal conflicts. It will free us to respond differently to Metas that confuse, reducing the power of the DB, & possibly allowing us to give the other person feedback, if desired & appropriate.

ALCOHOLIC RULES: don’t THINK, don’t FEEL, don’t TALK
ACoAs stay trapped in DBs when we hide our fear – from shame, S-H & feeling crazy, assuming others will laugh at or belittle us, cut us off…..

Instead, questioning our beliefs & talking about them weakens the hold DBs have over us.
We can’t afford to let fear & shame stop us! Rather than being lonely & passive victims, speaking THE ‘truth’ (not just our personal beliefs) lets us actively help ourselves, by not isolating with our emotional pain & mental confusion.

• Given the nature of D. Binds, it’s absolutely appropriate & necessary to need other people’ perspective to help us sort out the mess – those few we know to be safe & not caught up in the dilemma we’re fighting to escape. At the very least they can provide company & encouragement! “A burden shared is a burden halved.”

NEXT: DBs – Verbalizing (Part 8b)

Double BINDS – Re-Framing (Part 7)

dmtorbi ACoAs, al-anon, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

sharng food
I CAN SEE THIS ‘MESS’
in a whole new light! 

PREVIOUS: Double Binds (Part 6b)

 

RE-FRAMING (NLP)
• A frame is the focus of attention we give to something (DBs #4a & b).
❖ Re-Framing (R-F) assigns another meaning to any upsetting situation, which helps us identify, interpret & respond to it in new ways.
It’s a powerful tool for solving problems based on assumptions that insure stuck-ness. (See ‘AGREEMENT Frame’)

• Dealing with DBs requires making cognitive leaps by using a broader perspective, by putting toxic communications into a larger context. While re-framing by itself seldom resolves a problem, it offers a way to “softening it” so a solution can be uncovered that’s acceptable, if not always always liked.

Re-framing asks “How can I think about or respond to this differently?”
This shift leads to self-empowerment, which leads to higher functioning & satisfaction, taking us from no-win to no-lose. (MORE…)

• ACoAs are used to feeling trapped (‘Learned Helplessness’), but eventually in Recovery we can come to value the inherent freedom of dealing with OR resolving DBs. (also: Seligman – slideshare ). While we originally experienced DBs as a horrible trap, we can now see them as opportunities to choose what works for us.

As adults we have access to many different feelings (Es) & perspectives (Ts) to life’s events – like how each of us grieves a death differently, or how we show love. This means we can’t be “wrong” when expressing our True Self.
★ Damage is the same for everyone, but our essence is specific to us, so we can learn about & pursue our own style! (Grieving & DBs)

TYPES of Re-Framing
🧩 Context
Figuring out where a ‘problem situation’ or reaction would fit better – the context most appropriate for it, that would make it useful, an asset or skill
EXP: Dancing in the isles in a conservative church / synagogue / mosque would be severely frowned on, but not at a Pentecostal or African-American Baptist church!
🧩Content
Shifting the focus, either to a different part of the problem, & asking: “What else could this mean?”
OR seeing that the same situation can have a variety of meanings – good, bad or different

EXP: Someone was frowning ‘at me’. Were they annoyed with me? OR maybe they were :
• worried about a loved one
• thinking about a problem to solve
• looking at someone/ thing past my shoulder that upset them….—> none of which had anything to do with me!

🧩Value
Changing the meaning of a word or term, often done in marketing, where the same product is given a totally new purpose, a different use &/or presented to new markets.
It can also be the way a phrase is accented, as in the picture
EXP: Many pre-Christmas retailers will say they’ll help you “Pay less” with special deals, but the Berlin lingerie store Blush recommends a ‘smaller’ holiday gift: “Make your loved ones happy with less!”

DB QUESTIONS
Sooner or later we may run into someone who loves to ask unfair or impossible DB Qs – the kind that try to force the answer the (S) wants, no matter which way you answer.
Unless we can step outside the Bind, we’ll be in a catch-22 – angry & possibly humiliated.
These Qs are usually made up of 2 parts: Reference to a ‘bad’ thing or an assumed action PLUS the issue of frequency (★ MORE…. )

The S starts with an accusation OR assumption about you, then asks if you’re ‘still at it’ or ‘will be doing it’.
By framing the Q as closed, you’re expected to only give a Yes/No or other one-word answer, without a chance to address the actual topic
EXP: “Are still lying? / Have you stopped beating your wife? / When do you want to help us? / How much money can you contribute?”….

• RE-FRAMING: The only sane & self-respecting way to handle this kind of verbal trickery is to treat it as if you heard an open question, so that you respond to the underlying assumption rather than the closed question.
EXP: “What makes you think I’m a liar? / I’ve never beaten my wife & never will / I don’t have time in my schedule to help / I’ve already contribute all I can”…. (Open vs Closed Qs)

NEXT: DBs – Part 8a

Double BINDS – STAYING AWAKE (Part 6b)

dmtorbi ACoAs


PREVIOUS: Double Binds (Part 6a)

 

📣 IMPERATIVE
❗️ VERBALIZE
❓CHART

❇️ TEASING OUT Double Messages (which lead to DBs)
They’re not just very confusing, they’re devastating – as long as =
= we don’t recognize ‘craziness’ when we hear it, AND
= try to make sense of another person’s over-reaction or distortion of reality, which never has / had anything to do with us.unraveling DBs
Without a clear understanding of LOGIC (mental clarity), & still believing we’ve done something wrong – we’re kept under the Sender’s mental / emotional spell.

EXPs of power-less people
Children : threatened with punishment for speaking about abuse or bullying. BUT If they don’t tell, the abuse continues.
Women can be penalized in the workplace for lack of assertiveness AND lack of femininity, with no approved middle ground
African-Americans identifying racist words & actions are told to “watch your tone”, no matter how gently & respectfully they’re pointed out
(From “Step Away from Double Binds” ∼ Sonia Connolly LMT)

Re. ANGER 
1. If you’re consistently very angry or uncomfortable by the way someone talks to you,
they may just be mean, dismissive or unavailable.
2. But if you’re also very confused & ‘feel’ crazy, you’ve probably absorbed in the hopelessness of being put in a DB.

3. A totally different reason for being very angry at the Sender (E) comes up when you finally get what they’re really doing. This anger is not from intense frustration but rather that your ‘new’ awareness has causes a crack in some deeply held denial about them, which you we’re ready to face before.
You can tell, because this emotional reaction (E) does NOT include mental confusion (T). It’s clear. it just hurts!

The IFs
👶🏼 In any case, first ask your Inner Child what it’s saying about itself. If you hear any form of self-bain greementlame, (“I can’t do anything right, I’m such a mess….”), the WIC is definitely agreeing with the family’s Toxic Rules.
However, if you’ve been subjected to a DB, the WIC is twisting what it heard, using it against itself rather than hearing the twist in what the other person actually said / meant

🧔🏻 If you do catch on, then check in with your Logical Adult ego state for a rational evaluation of what is being said. It’s absolutely OK to ask some healthy people to help you clarify & verify your conclusions
IF the Adult’s version of the DB communication is quite different from your WIC’s, and others agree that you’re NOT crazy – you can help your Child unravel the confusion & eliminate S-H

👨‍👦 IF the Adult & the Inner Child are both saying there’s something wrong with the messages you’re getting, you’re a lot closer to being free! The less internal conflict between parts of yourself (ego states) the easier it is to protect yourself.

IF you still feel emotionally confused & mentally lost, test the rules / demands / statements….for D.Messages, by first boiling them down to their underlying implications, to see where they’re contradictory, as in ‘DMs,#2’.
EXPs to get you started:
👀 “It’s a good thing that X is….”, AND “It’s a bad thing that -the same- X is….” (both must be accepted)
👀 “You should/must do/be X (sing)… to please me” AND “You should/must not do/be X (sing)… in order to please me”

👀 “You’re bad when you X….” AND “You’re good when you X…”
👀 “I love it when it is X….” AND “I hate it when it is X….”

teasingEXP: Someone teases you & your feelings are hurt. If you complain, an S-type will say: “You’re too sensitive. What’s the matter, can’t you take a joke?”
But, if YOU tease someone else, those same people will say: “That was a mean, cruel, vicious thing to say. No wonder nobody likes you.”
Lose-Lose Meanings:
A – You’re bad (weak) when you don’t like my teasing, AND 
B – You’re bad (mean) when you tease others
Said another way:
A – I disapprove of you when you’re over-sensitive – AND
B – I disapprove of you when you’re under-sensitive

NEXT: DBs, Part 7