Double BINDS – Tools (Part 10)

THERE IS HELP AVAILABLE – all I have to do is use it!

PREVIOUS: Double Binds (Part 9)


😓 Remember the old Gershwin song “Someone To Watch Over Me”? Maybe no one ever did truly watch over you, so you didn’t learn to do it for yourself. NOW is a good time to start – by learning to be the Loving Parent you never had.

While we can’t stop being afraid of making changes in dealing with D.Binders, we can take some preemptive actions.
Before talking to / spending time with a difficult person, you can plan ahead to reinforce yourADULT& PARENT ego states, so that your WIC doesn’t take over when around them :
• get enough sleep the night before, & eat healthily
• take more time to get ready, leave enough time to travel, wear something comfortable
• call a safe person for support. Take a friend with you, if possible
• talk to you Inner Child before the ‘event’ to prepare him / her. Do the first half of book-ending
• remember – you are NOT the crazy one
• know that you cannot be perfect, because humans aren’t!
• do some rage work, if possible, to go with less pent-up rage & frustration
• pray for guidance & inner peace (see Part 12)

✦ It’s not you: You are not stupid or crazy. DBs are crazy-making, setting you up in a no-win situation by a damaged /abusive person or system
✦ Trust your gut: If you ‘feel’ something’s wrong, believe it! & if necessary – check it out with someone you trust

✦ Believe in yourself: Be aware of your own power to break free & the intelligence to get out of the dilemma, so you don’t slide into one of the co-dependent roles – Victim, Rescuing the S, or become a Perpetrator
✦ Question the statements: If what you’re being told is self-contradictory, AND you’re supposed to act on both, you know the whole communication is flawed & not to be honored

✦ Threat of or Real punishment: Be sure the person can do you actual harm. You may already have experienced how they react when you don’t fall in line with the craziness, & you survived.
INVENTORY: What form did it take? How did you cope? What was the outcome? What kind of actual power do they have over you in the present? Do they pay your bills, are they in charge of your employment ……?

If not then you definitely have the freedom to ignore the mental games they’re playing. If they do still have some control over your life, you can use suggestions in other posts

✦ Redefine punishment: Yes – the S may get angry & say mean things – but once you believe you’re a good person & you “know what I know” they’re not dangerous to your spirit.
To a child, all forms of abandonment on any PMES level feels intolerable (‘death’) . Besides physical abuse, it includes disapproval, verbal abuse, being ignored & deprived…. But you are no longer a child.

✦ Meet your own standards: Since all DB choices lead to punishment – if you must choose – give yourself permission to pick the side of the bind that fits your personality & circumstances, even if others around you don’t agree
✦ Change the focus: In some cases, you can successfully shift attention outside the double bind (DBs – Part 5b)

✦ Look for allies within the situation: Adults need to go elsewhere for approval, respect, kindness… since the S is not willing or able to provide these. In the medical example (DMs, Part 4b) maybe someone in the doctor’s office can encourage & validate you. Don’t let your fear & shame isolate you.

✦ Get external support: Look for people, groups & activities that help you feel strong, resilient & creative – so you can breathe!
Keep searching until you find outside witnesses or authorities who will believe you & understand the problem

✦ Walk away: It’s a big world AND you have options now.. Teach your WIC that you can get your needs met in abuse-free ways. Keep looking for them using your UNIT.  (MORE….)

NEXT: DBs  (#11) – Uses

One thought on “Double BINDS – Tools (Part 10)

  1. Yep, it must be a huge responsibility, controlling another person’s self-esteem. I won’t take it on, myself, nor impose such a burden on anyone else, even someone who demands it. I decide what I think of myself, and other people decide what they think of themselves. That makes walking away from double binds very easy, now that I remember which is me and which is someone else, and which mind I have control over.


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