I’M WILLING TO MAKE THE EFFORT
of finding a way out of this tangle

PREVIOUS: Speaking Up, Part 8c

ESCAPING DBs – requires:
• flexible thinking – giving up either/or (B & W) limitations
• a capacity to see beyond the obvious
• being curious & creative, willing to take reasonable risks
• having the courage to let go of the past & it’s ‘training’

🌱Find your own ways to “leave the field of the DB”.
Be creative. Use multiple visible & meta perspectives, which can make a difficult situation manageable. Distinguish between :
• ongoing life events (career – upper level meaning)
• a specific events (‘fight’ with boss – lower level) and
• the difference between them (the ‘fight’ isn’t going to end your career) you
Pick out positive parts of the DMessages you can focus on & ignore the others: “Take what you like & leave the rest”, Al-Anon

🌱 Intense Emotional Attachment – The R’s anxiety of stepping outside the DB is the Fear of Abandonment – losing the symbiotic dependence on the S.

GOAL: become the center of our Adult universe (‘first position’):
• accept & love your Inner Child just as he/she is
• work to uncover your True Self
• practice emotional honesty
• own your strengths & accumulated knowledge

🌱 Doing vs Being – Separate your actions from your identity – they are not the same. We know this because there’s a big difference between how we act from damaged vs how we act from our Healthy Adult / Natural Self

🌱 Look for the Payoff – Our dilemma: while DBs really do trap us & we may complain bitterly about not ‘getting anywhere’, many ACoAs are so used to being stuck & uncomfortable they won’t do anything to change it. What’s familiar FEELS ‘comforting’ – & we hate feeling uncomfortable. SO – which is it? Are we comfortable or miserable in our D.Bind world? Pick a side.

EXP: WIC / ACoA ‘logic’ =: If I’m damned either way, that gets me off the hook. “I’m crazy & irresponsible because my hormones are out of whack OR I’m manic-depressive, OR just plain lazy….”
SO – I don’t have to do hard / painful emotions work, I don’t have to take care of myself & still get to be loyal to the family. Yipeee! – NOT

COMPROMISE – There are always options, & not all compromise is bad! AND not a sign of weakness. It shows you care about someone or something beyond yourself.
• We don’t have to like some of the actions that can make the needed shift away from our disrupted thinking, but if they help us get un-stuck, they’re worth it. If we stop seeing every situation as all-or-nothing, we often find at least the start of a solution.

Aristotle noted that doing ‘virtuous’ things feel unnatural at first, but consistent practice turns them into a stable character trait.
And to create the new habit we may have to push ourself. Since many of us are not allowed to be self-motivating, outside help to get past the inertia can be the incentive to get our engine turning over.
EXP: As a kid we may have been given the DB: “Don’t be childish – do what you’re told!” MEANING:
1. act like an adult, AND at the same time
2. be a child & obey, sometimes sweetened with “Besides it’ll be fun / feel good / work out, once you get going”…..

PARADOX – A positive use of paradox can also be an escape from a DB. The Inner Child loves to do the opposite of what it’s told. Right?
• Can’t sleep, but desperately want to?
Decide to stay awake all night, to remove the pressure. You may stay up as long as you want, OR —> just not having to – will do the trick, & soon your eyes will close on their own
• Afraid to go to a party, but would like to?
Decide to only stay for 15 min & then leave. Removing the pressure of having to be ‘on & acceptable’ allows you to go, & maybe even enjoy it enough to stay a little longer. Or not. (From “No way out? 3 ways to help….” )

NEXT:  DBs – TOOLS, #10