PREVIOUS: Verbalizing (Part 8b)

SITEs: “Psychological Edge : Own your Assertiveness”

 

❤️ SPEAK UP (Parts a, b)
1. Say what you HEAR and OBSERVE
🔆 D. Binded by OTHERS
2. SAY WHAT’S HIDDEN
〽️ DB-ing OURSELF: We started out trapped by family experiences, then continue trapping ourself because of the pain we don’t want to admit to or confront. (See DMs – Part 8b).  Now we can be reminded that we’re part of the human collective, with many of the same emotions & beliefs.
When we speak our worries out loud – in the right environment, even if we think they’re trivial – it gives people around us a chance to say “Me too!”, some who may never have been able to say it until then.

👩🏽 Remember – to break any D Message, we need to choose one of the 2 options OR find a third one. To do that – we have to know who we are & what works for us. Start by identifying what you need & give yourself permission to do, to have or to feel it, even if there are some who don’t agree.
• Ask: “What do I really want in this particular situation?”
It may be one side of the DB, OR something completely different. List which of the options you want & don’t want. It’s OK to be conflicted but the contradictions will point out the D.Messages you’re telling yourself.

It’s a way to sort out what has more weight – even if both sound appealing of at least acceptable.
• Do you want to go somewhere or stay home?
• Would you rather hang out or work on a project?
• See your family or go to a show?…..
Our personal D.Binds are about internal conflict – health vs disease, resentment vs letting go, obedience vs disobedience to Toxic Rules….

ADMITTING what we’re hiding from ourself LETS us:
• be with reasonably clear-minded people who can help us face our underlying fears & confusion
• be more accessible (instead of invisible) to Self & others, especially if we’ve been indirect or distant for a long time
• talk to people as peers, rather than below or above them, or trying to always go it alone
Saying what’s confusing or contradictory will help them understand a little more about how we think & what we need.

RECOVERY EXP: In therapy Maria tackled the issue of feeling suicidal since early childhood, but never overtly acted on. She learned that the impulse partly came from her mother’s DMs:
A. “You’ll be the death of me – yet” (you’re a potential murderer, it’s only a matter of time, you terrible child)  – AND
B. “Of course I love you – you’re my baby!” (as long as you’re just like me – perfect! So don’t be yourself, ie. the Real You has to die.)

• Young Maria could never be ‘perfect’ (please mom), no matter how hard she tried. She was always doing/being something her mother didn’t understand & couldn’t tolerate – because the child was not like her! By the time Maria was 10 she wished she were dead, but suicide was against her religious training.

• As a young woman she ‘chose’ to date men who were not only emotionally abusive, but also physically dangerous. Maybe they would do it for her! But that never ‘worked out’ & she was left  alive having to face the underlying issue

In terms of the DB, it came down to siding with her mother’s messages or her own sanity.
“Either she dies or I die”. Maria chose herself. Even so – her mother lived another 25 yrs, to age 90. Irony? No matter what – Maria’s S & I recovery didn’t have the power to kill her mother, and her mother had not succeeded in destroying her!

Trust your natural Resilience & Resourcefulness. These are not qualities we have to learn or work for. It’s something we’re born with – & the  proof is that we’ve survived many traumatic events.

Depending on how much S-H you have & how much you’ve been shamed for not ‘doing it right’, it may be really hard to believe.  BUT it’s important for your Adult to repeat “I know what I know” until the WIC can catch up.
Self-trust will always demand courage, but that’s OK – we have a lot of that too. Now when we speak up, we find that there are 2 – or more others – who understand, can commiserate & be supportive.

NEXT : DBs – Escaping (#9)