alcoholism

Negative INTROJECT (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

bad voice 2
SHUT UP IN THERE!
I don’t know how to get rid of you

PREVIOUS: Introject (Part 1)

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

💠PURPOSE of the PigP (Part 2)

💠EGO STATES
A Healthy Self would include the Natural Child as our essence, & a relatively un-wounded Adapted Child, composed of the positive values, mores & beliefs of its specific society. Eventually well-adjusted people also form a Healthy Adult & Loving Patent ‘UNIT’ learned from a family with competence, generosity, humor, self-esteem, social ease & love.

However, OUR:
a. ADULT may or may not be functional – some of us put all our energy into being ‘competent’ while others barely get by, waiting for someone else to be the Good Parent for us.
b. Introject (PigP  / ‘IT’) holds all of the dysfunctional family’s accumulated minuses, along with some plusses, & secretly runs our lifeCHILD e.s.

c. Adapted Child holds all of our damage, from trying to Do or Be whatever we thought would finally get our parents’ approval & acceptance – but never did
EXP: If you liked & were good at sports AND they (only) approved of you for that, you’d put all your energy into being the best at sports – not just to express yourself, but to wring a drop of acceptance from them. Anything else, like needs & emotions, were sacrificed

d. Natural Child is mostly hidden, yet peeps out in spite of the PP
EXP: being good in school, winning awards, love of music, reading, sports, being quiet vs, being boisterous…. AND even our choice of addictions reflect our natural personality. Why do some people choose sex over a food addiction, pot over alcohol, addictive relationships rather than chemicals….?

What ALL ACoAs are MISSING:
e. The Loving Parent, because we didn’t have any role models for that, OR if we did have one person in our childhood that treated us better than others, it couldn’t make up for the avalanche of bad parenting from everyone else

💠PRISONERS of the Negative Introject (PigP)
Until we do FoO work (family of origin), too much of our persona is the result of the harmful way our family trained us. Unfortunately, this False Self is what we consider our identity. We say “I’m just born that way , It’s my personality…” when talking about our character defects. We don’t see that they’re expressions of S-H, since we aren’t allowed to acknowledge our inherent gifts & talents

• Without S & I, (separation PP's prisoner& individuation) we’re ‘one’ with the bad voice – constantly placating & obeying it, without knowing that’s what we’re doing. After all, “Does a fish know it’s wet?”

As kids we were afraid of them – of displeasing them, of their temper & craziness, & of being punished, which was usually unfairly & over the top
• And we’re still afraid of them, if they’re alive, OR if they’re only in the form of our Introject. Even if they’re gone – it doesn’t diminish the power of their imprinting.

IRONY
As adults, in spite of our rage & frustration at their unavailability & abusiveness, we’re afraid to let go of the PP. Although the voice is always torturing us, the WIC is so used to the connection it doesn’t know any other way to ‘get taken care of’. This holds true until we take on the responsibility of parenting ourself.

This desperate attachment is based on:
perfectionist• our longing for them, & not wanting to give up the illusion that someday they’ll come thru for us
• not having a solid identity of our own. As long as our S-H has us in its grip, we continue to believe no one else will want us, so better stay “with the devil we know”

If we believe we can’t leave the PigP or get rid of it, we spend a lot of our energy trying to silence it with addictions (food, money, sex, chemicals….), while at the same time making inhuman efforts to get it to stop hurting us, to see reason, to understand… rather than getting away by disobeying its Toxic Rules!

NEXT: Negative Introject (Part 4)

Negative INTROJECT (Part 2)

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those voices
YOU’RE DRIVING ME CRAZY!
Is it the Pig Parent or the damaged kid?

PREVIOUS: Negative Introject  (Part 1)

Pig Parent (PigP) comes from”Games People Play”

💠WHY is it so IMPORTANT to identify the PigP?  (Part 1)

💠HOW CAN WE TELL when the ‘PigP’ Introject is talking?
a. Using the ‘YOU’ form – when talking to ourselves in a negative, harsh way.
“You should have know better, You know everyone thinks you’re stupid, You could have done more” ….

In this form, our original caretakers can keep us terrified, dependent, dis-empowered – so they won’t lose their grip & fade away. The they wouldn’t get their needs met (thru us), not wanting to do that for themselves. That’s what they need us for!

denialOR we may only hear:
b. The ‘I’ form – the Wounded Inner Child (WIC) expressing its S-H in response to & fully believing the PP, who’s off stage – but definitely not absent – spewing it’s poison from the wings.
We can only hear it indirectly, as puppet master, when we self-talk in the same judgmental, impatient way they talked to us.
Only now it’s in the first person, the WIC mimicking : “I’m such a looser , I never do anything right , I don’t know how to do things , No one could ever love me”…..

‘b’ is much sneakier 
THEM: By being way in the background it can’t be held accountable – staying off the hot seat, harder to catch as the source of the abuse, which it’ll never admit to anyway, even when we try to confront it!

US: We collude (unconsciously) with it to keep it hidden from ourselves, because we can’t bear to admit how dangerous our ‘loved ones’ were. But now that they’re ‘inside’, we don’t know how to get rid of them.

💠 UNHEALTHY tries at shutting up the PigP :
• heavy drinking & drug use, & all other addictions (sex, food, spending, exercise, internet….)
• overworking, endless schooling, career we hate….
• suicide attempts or suicidal behavior (dangerous people & activities)

BTW – Some ACoAs refer to our PigP by a name & image that suits its character & our imagination: THE ‘Bat’ we hit ourselves with / ‘Bats’ – parent’s who only call at night when they’re drunk /  Vampire / Gorn – from Star Trek / Monster /  Mom or Dad / the Shadow….  What’s yours?

💠PURPOSE of the PigP
a. The WIC hangs on to it with a fanatic devotion because it’s the only version of a ‘parent’ it’s ever known. It’s afraid to let go because  – as one ACoA screamed in therapy “What will I do without them?”
Slowly replacing it using the UNIT to consistently, lovingly parent ourself, the WIC will let go, but not quickly or easily!

b. The PigP uses it’s convoluted, sadistic power to pour gas on the flame of life’s stresses TO:
• validate its beliefs (T) & actions (A), so it never has to face change
• mask its own FoA by keeping us symbiotically attached.
⚠️If we stay convinced their abuse was our fault, we’ll never expel it

💠POWER of the PigPintrojecting
a. Technically – it’s wired into our brain from birth into deep pathways, by repetition & emotional bonds (the limbic system & frontal cortex).  Each groove forms the easiest way electrical energy travels (strongest chemical trace), so it becomes our default setting

AA-ers say “Alcoholics dig their own ruts, then decorate them – making them so comfortable they never want to move out!”

b. Psychologically – From the WIC
• all children are completely loyal to their parents & their zeitgeist, but ACoAs can’t afford to admit how toxic they were. We love & need them, even when we hate them. So we keep protecting them – at our own peril!

• Those original adults taught us to be afraid of the world AND that we are unlovable. Our connection to them is painful, but the world feels even worse, so we won’t ‘leave home’. Convinced no one else will want uego statess &/or they’ll trample us, we stay attached to the PigP rather than risk the ‘horror’ of the unknown. (Acceptance, #1)

From the PigP – Internalized voices have a life of their own (ego states), made up of our family’s:
• dis-owned emotions (S-H, fear, rage, shame, guilt, loneliness, hopelessness…..) AND
• destructive thoughts, rigid beliefs, irrational opinions (‘stinking thinking’), & occasionally something useful, positive, interesting…..

NEXT: Negative Introject (Part 3)

Negative INTROJECT (Part 1)

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IT’S EITHER ME OR THEM.
So far they’ve been winning!

PREVIOUS: Mind-reading vs Intuition #3

REVIEW posts : ‘Ego States’

SITE: Antidotes to Toxic Intimacy

INTRO-Who?
💠GENERAL: From the very beginning of life all children are PMES (Mental, Emotional, Physical & Spiritual) sponges – ‘swallowing whole’ every moment of every part of their environment. Kids are highly intuitive & very observant. We picked up:
• what we saw, what we heard, where we went
• how we were treated, at home & outside
AND
• our parents’ emotions, values, opinions and secrets – whether obvious, unexpressed, or those hidden from themselves (denied)
• how adults treated each other – our parents with each others & our siblings, their parents & siblings, their exes, friends, bosses…  (Antidotes)

BUT, all of that was experienced & processed thru the lens of a child’s limited brain capacity & mental perspective, AND their specific personality. Therefore, each child in a family will have a different ‘story’ of what happened.
So to get an accurate picture we’d need everyone’s point of view formed into a psychological collage.

💠IN THE PRESENTgood voice
In common: Everyone has an Inner Guide to good & proper behavior – our inborn, God-given conscience, & the beneficial or harmful ‘super-ego’ version of our specific society. (This is NOT schizophrenia, or other mental illness)

People with relatively sane childhoods have an OK or POSITIVE INTROJECT for self-soothing, & to be of legitimate help to others

However, ACoAs raised in an emotionally unhealthy, neglectful, abusive, torturing environment have a Negative Introject – cruel, distorted, rigid, unsympathetic, & a LIAR! – the Pig Parent (PigP) from”Games People Play“. We absorbed:
• some good stuff, here & there, but mainly it was …..
• …. all the damage & dysfunction of our home & community!  Imagine – every kid has to try to make sense of their ‘world’ with distorted info & very limited experience, & many without any loving help to navigate life. This turned into Self-Hate, the #1 defense used to keep from going crazy.

💠MAKE UP of the PigP
• Our version** of each major caretaker – anyone who was important to us, &/or that we spent a lot of time with
** Remember – we did NOT misunderstand, exaggerate or distort our perception of them.
Later on we sometimes get additional facts that form a deeper – but not necessarily better – opinion of them.  More often it validates our early experiences!
bad voiceThe PigP is :
• a specific parent with the most forceful, controlling &/or crazy personality, & now is our loudest voice
• parts of our psyche we disown – a pitiless ‘conscience’, an ‘alcoholic Higher Power’, distortions of positive life-rules…..
• the rules of our social & spiritual communities

At the same time:
• not all those who raised us / taught us – were evil, just very damaged – so we’ve also internalized some of their skills, hopes, dreams, talents, knowledge, goals… as much as were visible. BUT it’s a small part of the PP, compared to their sickness

💠WHY is it so IMPORTANT to identify the PigP?
Because we copy it! To the degree that we ‘honor & obey’ it – we feed our S-H, live in fear, sabotage ourselves, choose inappropriate people, can’t grow into our best self, hurt others & allow others to hurt us !

a. IF we were in pain as kids, and are in pain now, even if we don’t remember what happened, or don’t understand why – we can be sure that:
• we absorbed what others in the family were feeling – especially whatever they refused to acknowledge (their suffering was ‘in the air’)
• we felt our own daily emotional pain, without anyone to comfort us, to validate our feelings, to explain that it was NOT about us & so NOT our faultbroken heart

b. We may have a limited understanding of who everyone in our family was – what their motives were, what they went thru, what their ‘diagnosis’ may be – since even with our intuition we couldn’t possibly know all the facts of their lives – unless we’re told

BUT the one thing we can be sure was not a distortion : Our suffering NOW is all the proof we need of how bad it was. Not being able to remember is not an excuse to maintain denial. Emotions say it all.

NEXT: Negative Introject (Part 2)

Mind-Reading vs. INTUITION (Part 2c)

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PREVIOUS : Mind-reading vs. INTUITION (#2b)

QUOTES: “The only real valuable thing is intuition….. I sometimes feel that I am right. I do not know that I am.”  ~ Albert Einstein

• “Insight is not a light bulb that goes off inside our heads. It is a flickering candle that can easily be snuffed out.” ~ Malcolm Gladwell, Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking

2. INTUITION (cont)
ASK, ASK, ASK! No matter how good our Intuition is we can NOT actually know what others think or feel. We are not them.
We’re not meant to be all-knowing, perfect, infallible!  No matter how smart or experienced, we simply cannot be in someone else’s head. They have to tell us – especially those people we’re not deeply acquainted with.  SO ask question – even if we think we have an idea about what’s going on. We may be surprised by the answers!

ask QsEXP: Barbara had handed her business card to the leader of a workshop at the break. Later that day he made a disparaging remark about the kind of people she worked with. Barbara was hurt & angry.  She felt the comment was aimed at her & her profession. She thought of all the possible meanings & reasons for his put-down – & fumed!

• At the end of the event she asked to speak to him.  “Why did you say that _____ are such troublemakers?” He thought for a moment, then said “Last time I did this seminar there were a whole group of them & they were constantly disruptive & argumentative. They ruined the event!”

Barbara thanked him, & as she turned away, started to laugh to herself.  His original comment had never been about her at all, AND, even though she was intelligent & intuitive, she could not have possibly guessed his answer! She was glad she’d checked it out.

🔸It’s arrogant to assume we always know exactly why someone is thinking or feeling a certain way. Stay out of their head!  To do otherwise is presumptuous, & a form of mental boundary invasion, This doesn’t win friends & influence people.

It’s NOT appropriate to tell others : ✓ what’s wrong with them  ✓  what they mean   ✓ how they’re feeling  ✓ what they should be doing   ✓ how to do things   ✓ when to leave a person or place…. (⬅️ CHART )

• To be truly respectful we need to listen carefully, and ask – “What did you mean when you said ____?  , Why did you do that?  / What do you need , want, feel? / What would you like from me?”….

✒︎The answers may be unexpected, & we can always learn something. It will make us a better parent, friend, mate, employee… and much better liked – even by people who already love us!

BEING PRESENT :  If we practice Awareness and Acceptance (from the 3 As), then even when we meet someone for the first time – using our accumulated experiences – we can tell what they’re basically like, because people tell us about themself all the time.
Once we recognize their type, we can decide quite soon if it’s safe to stay OR get away from them! We don’t have to keep getting more wounded, if we just stay awake!  (POST: Safe vs Unsafe people)

EXP: Before doing any ACoA & FoO work, Brenda spent a lot of time in singles bars, listening to men talk about themselves (& getting picked up). Most were alcoholics & narcissists.
Brenda was vstay awakeictimized by these toxic men – selfish, insensitive, unavailable, often married, arrogant or self-deprecating….

But – along with the pain of being used & dumped – she was also gathering valuable info from listening to their ‘lines’. After a couple years of this, she could catch the pattern within 15 to 20 minutes of conversation with any new ‘contender’.

🔹 Then when she’s say: “No thanks…. we’re not compatible”, the men would usually respond: “How can you tell, you haven’t given me a chance!”
But by this time, even without Recovery, Brenda had recognized the type right off. She might feel a little twinge of guilt or doubt, but stuck to her decision!
🎼🎹 “Once you know a song by heart, you only need to hear the first few bars – to recognize it!”

NEXT: Negative Introject #1

Mind-Reading vs. INTUITION (Part 2b)

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  intuition 2THE MORE I LISTEN TO MY GUT
the better I get along in the world!

PREVIOUS: INTUITION – 2a

SITE : “4 Levels of Intuition” 


2. INTUITION (cont.)
a. MBTI // b. Small Children
c.  Paying Attention
• As ACoAs we were taught to deny or make fun of our natural instincts, so when our gut tells us to do OR not do something, via an intuitive flash, we usually ignore it – to our detriment! Maybe we experience anxiety or a tightening in the stomach & wonder if we should or shouldn’t act on those ‘feelings’, then promptly forget. Remember the ‘ick factor’?

•  Not following our intuition throws us out of alignment with our higher sense of knowing – physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually (PMES). We usually end up compromising ourselves, & are sorry afterwards for getting ourselves into some mess, even though we knew better!  PAY ATTENTION!

d. ‘Otherworldly’
• Intuition can also be an aspect of ‘spirituality’, either in conventional or esoteric forms. Some call it their ‘still small voice’ (not the WIC or PP!).
It’s used in everyday life to solve problems, & receive divine guidance, love, healing, wisdom & inspiration. (TREE, July 2011)

• Very sensitive people have an ability to pick up vibrations (electrical energy) emanating from all living things, including colors & auras. (Science: Human auras // Emotional energy images)
Such people need training, not only to use the ability correctly, but especially to learn shielding, so they’re not constantly flooded by external input

• Intuitive info can also hit us when we’re needed to help a loved one under stress or in danger
• It may be inner wisdom showing a way to solve a problem or heal old emotional damage that surfaces, so it can be processed

❇ If you’re curious about your own sensitivity level, you can take the Empath Quiz.  If you already know you are highly intuitive, you may want to participate in the Empath Community.

Sources that FEED Intuition
• Carefully observing patters of human behavior over the years, for a general sense of what to expect from people
• Paying attention to what people tell us about themselves, especially the negative! so we’re not shocked the next time their damage shows up – in our face!

• Having repeated life experiences with a specific category of people or situations, where the outcome has been consistently the same (with narcissists, active addicts, depressives, ragers … OR if we’re wise, with sane & well-balanced people).  Their style is predictable, whether healthy or unhealthy, so we can trust our intuition about them

• Knowing someone well (friends, lovers, parents…) & observing their recurring patterns. When we ignore this we get involved with their dysfunctional schemes, plans, drama…. and suffer for it!

• Listening carefully to language & logic patterns, we can recognize where a thought or conversation will wind up & we can be prepared – like when we say: “don’t go there!” because we know it won’t end well

REVIEW – Intuition can come from:
• years of life experience
• wide variety of reading
• emotional sensitivity
• an observant mind
• trusting that “I know what I know” – based on:
✓ a clear identity of ones own
✓ clear, strong links to the IC & our H.P.
✓ no longer obeying the Negative Introject
✓ strong Boundaries, so we don’t confuse ourselves with any another person, while still being part of the human community

AFFIRMATIONS : “I DO…… 
• BELIEVE that I’m a natural winner, with the power to make MY dreams come true, & the capacity to achieve great things
• FEEL hopeful, inspired, confident in myself
• HAVE unconditional self-love, respect for self & others, good health & lots of energy
“I DO….
• KNOW & listen to my inner voice, walk through life with dignity & grace, easily manifesting my joy
• TRUST my intuition, learn life’s lessons with ease, edit self-limiting beliefs
• VALUE love, learn to rise above limitations, focus on the possible

NEXT: INTUITION #2c

Mind-Reading vs. INTUITION (Part 2a)

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intuition 1


I JUST KNOW IT –
but I don’t have any proof

PREVIOUS: MIND-READING – 1b

Review Mind-reading, 

1. MIND-READING

2. INTUITION
DEF: INTUITION =  It’s like overhearing a conversation in a language we’re not fluent in but can still get the gist of what’s said. It’s the ability to maneuver within our beliefs & knowledge, giving us a relative awareness of where we are on the map of life
PS: Inspiration is seeing the whole path we need to travel on the map

Intuition is complex – mostly it’s being tuned-in to the world around us – & beyond – picking up info without any obvious source
🔺For some it’s a gut feeling
🔺For others it’s the universe giving them a gentle nudge
🔺For still others it’s the answer to a prayer or a whisper from God

Intuition is an innate survival tool, a compass & a tether connecting us to our environment. It doesn’t have to be supernatural – it is most often a subliminal accumulation of what others are saying, feeling or doing (their T.E.As) & storing it for future reference (see pt. d)

SO – Intuition is in us & comes from us, but is about everything outside of us – the opposite of Mind Reading.
✶ When cultivated, it bypasses or counters certain of our ACoA damage!

a. In the Myers-Briggs Personality Inventory (MBTI), the second of 4 levels is “Sensate vs Intuitive”, which has to do with one’s style of gathering information about the world.
From MBTI Posts :
🟢 S = ‘I need to work thru a problem to see a result’. Fun: This was great for the price. Communication: Specifics
• At one extreme are the Sensates (S) who need proof of everything, literal & practical. They prefer hands-on, here-&-now tangible experiences, only believing what they can see & touch. They are about 70% of the US population & are considered ‘hard-nosed’ by their opposites

🔴 iN = ‘I see results/solutions to problems at the beginning’. Fun: This just gave me a great new idea! Communication: Big picture
• At the other end are the Intuitives (iN) who ‘just know’. They look for meaning, possibilities & relationships among things (the gestalt). They like to put things in a theoretical framework, seeing things holistically. They comprise about 30% & are considered ‘flakes’ by the S. (See all 4 levels)

NOTE: Whichever side a person prefers is important because MBTI’s 3rd level : “Thinking vs Feeling” then bases decisions on it.

✶ Most people don’t live at the extreme ends of this level (S vs N). But when 2 people in any kind of relationship DO, it is one of the most difficult discrepancies of the 4 levels to overcome.
They never really ‘get’ each other.  This is often a problem between many men (Ss) & women (iNs). But it’s especially hard when an extreme S mother has a very iN child – she’ll likely negate the child’s way of understanding its environment, making the child doubt its perceptions, even its sanity –  especially if the mother is also a narcissist.

b. As Children
• From birth, kids have a capacity for seeing & sensing things that many adults are unaware of. This is an important instinct for them, since they’re so vulnerable & don’t yet have language.  Infants mirror what we present to them, especially our emotions.

EXP: When a mother takes a slow, deep breath each time she feels tension, either in herself or from the infant, it teaches the baby to do the same. She’s creating & reinforcing the state of anxiety – without ever saying a word!
• Equally so, children who comfortably spend time contemplating & exploring their thoughts & feelings without interference, will develop self-awareness & the intuitive abilities that come from this inner knowledge

•  The absorption capacity of intuition, so highly developed in kids, allows us to assimilate our parents’ inner feelings as much as their overt messages. The combination becomes the Introject – which is only negative if our parents were mentally &/or emotionally unhealthy

Exp:  A friend remembers one evening when she was 6 or 7, sitting with her dad in the living room while he was reading the paper. For no apparent reason she asked him who Lydia was.  He looked at her puzzled but didn’t answer. Many years later she found out that he was having an affair with a Lydia back then, but at that time no one in the family knew about it.  What had she been ‘picking up’ on? – A smell? his guilt? his residual pleasure?

NEXT: INTUITION – 2b

MIND-READING vs Intuition (Part 1c)

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PREVIOUS: Mind-reading #1b

QUOTES: “I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet.”  ~ Mahatma Gandhi

• “Great relationships are based on clarity, not mind-reading.” ~ Steve Arterburn, founder of New Life Ministries

• “You’d think a person who could read minds would be able to get a better boyfriend.” ~ Lori Brighton, in “The Mind Readers”
1. MIND-READING (M-R) cont.
a . Official meaning // b. A Variation

INSTEAD OF nurturing us, our family…. (cont.)
i. They Controlled us….. (parents)
ii. We Control others……(safety)

iii. At the same time, mind-reading (M-R) is also a way to imagine that others have what we want & need, since we’re not confident we can provide for ourselves.  “If I take care of you, you will become strong (& grateful) & then be able to return the favor – without my having to ask!”

We learned it was shameful to have needs, so we have to “depend on the kindness of strangers”. WE are not allowed to have anything positive for our False Self – much less for the True Self. All our efforts go into assuming we know who others are & what they want
SO :
1. our need for information becomes “I have to tell her why she’s doing that self-destructive thing – she’ll be so interested”arrogant helping
2. our desperate hunger to be loved becomes “I know he loves me”
3. our need for healing becomes “He‘ll be glad I gave him this recovery book to read, because he’ll see the light & feel better”

4. our fear of loneliness becomes “How could you go on that trip alone?  That must have been depressing!”
5. our fear of abandonment becomes “It must have been so hard for you to leave that relationship / job / country…”
6. our fear of risk becomes “… that was so brave of you!”…..

✒︎ At first glance these statements may seem legitimate because it sounds like the focus is not on us but on the other person.
Actually – we’re making up what the other person needs, thinks or feels, without ASKING, based on our point of view, & therefore dishonoring /disrespecting who they actually are!
✶✶✶ AND – even when they tell us what they like or don’t like – we still believe we know better! How arrealityrogant – & unsuccessful

REALITY (re. the 6 points):
1. She probably won’t want to hear your opinion! Besides, she didn’t ask for it.
2. He barely knows you’re alive, or just sees you as a friend
3. He didn’t ask for the book, won’t read it, doesn’t take any other advice you give, & tells you you’re being controlling (you are!)

4. She has no problem going anywhere alone, & while she may feel a bit lonely sometimes, she makes friends wherever she goes
5. She was ready to leave, in fact – couldn’t wait!
6. It didn’t take bravery because he wasn’t afraid

EXP of mind-reading:  Ernie is an only child, raised by a mentally ill mother who sat staring at the wall – often for days. Sometimes she’d be ok for a while – except for an occasional fit of rage.  His father was depressed & had no time for him. One way Ernie survived was to live in a fantasy world, & also being a good student.

• As an adult he’s done very well at ‘mental’ work that doesn’t require much interaction with others. Even so, he longs to know the comfort of a loving relationship & family life which he’s never been able to achieve.
When he walks down the street & sees a couple hand-in-hand or a parent talking with their child – he assumes (imagines) their life is great, they have no problems, they’re happy & will be so ‘forever’.

CONTINUING the use of Mind-Reading
Internally — we stay ‘separate’ by living in our own fantasy world //  stay deprived by minimally providing for our own needs
Externally — actually hurt others instead of helping them // we don’t interact with others based on reality
➼ No matter what excuse or explanation we make up about it, mind reading is detrimental to ourselves and others.

⬆️ CHART: Using Healthy Intuition creates safety, not Mind-reading. NEXT 3 posts.

NEXT: Mind-Reading vs INTUITION – 2a

MIND-READING vs Intuition (Part 1b)

dmtorbi ACoAs, al-anon, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

illusion
YOU DON’T KNOW ME!
I know I’m right

PREVIOUS: Mind-Reading  (Part 1a)

 

1. MIND-READING (M-R)
a . Meanings (cont)

CONTINUING this kind of M-R keeps us:
• Internally – attached to our dangerous family // anxious & needing to isolate
• Externally – suspicious of everyone’s motives // missing out on all the good people & opportunities that present themselves

Reality: Instead of making up someone with our mind-reading ‘talent’= our fantasy, we need to stay awake for who is healthy & who isn’t.
Once we clearly see an un-recovered person’s toxic pattern – from having many painful encounters with them –  it’s time to stop giving them the ‘benefit of the doubt’!

EXP of NOT mind-reading:
I taught my 12-week ACoA course “Knowledge is Power” over 10 years. Reaction from students varied widely in every class.   Some listened intently, taking notes & asking questions.  Others seem disinterested – they fidgeted, yawned, fell asleep, got mad, or stopped coming.

Regarding the latter group – IF I had been prone to mind-reading, I would have assumed the ‘disinterested’ people indicated the ‘truth’ – that I was a boring speaker, gave complicated or worthless info & generally wasted their time – the LIEs thatScreen Shot 2015-08-30 at 11.33.21 PM the bad voice whispers!

➼ However, I know I’m a good teacher, that my material is important & useful, & have been told by many students that the course greatly improved their lives.

I also know that some people were very tired (especially being an evening class), some had ADD & so usually have trouble sitting still for 2-3 hours, but most of all –  the class material brought up a lot of difficult awarenesses & intense pain, so that some people just wanted to opt out.
Actually – their seeming lack of interest was ALSO a validation of my work! So there – PP! See – Little One??

b. A Variation
Another way mind-reading can show up is projecting our wishes, needs & tastes onto others.  It’s not a strict interpretation of the definition, but is the same aspect of the child’s narcissism – ‘I am you & you are me.’  It’s still based on OUR personality, not on who the other person is.

INSTEAD OF nurturing us, our family:
• over-controlled us               •  expected us to be little adults
• demanded we be perfect and without needs – so they wouldn’t have to deal with us
• didn’t guide us, so we had to fend of ourselves, without much training!
worried childThis background formed another version of the familiar ACoA Dilemma :
✓ As kids – we had to take care of ourself – not always in material ways, but definitely emotional & often mental, which gave us the message we weren’t worthy of being taken care of – SO
✓ As Adults – we believe we should not / cannot care for ourselves, copying their lack of care, which became lack of permission to focus on ourself

i. Their CONTROL – WIC projects that everyone is like our parents, who were totally wrapped up in their own worries & addictions. They expected us to figure out what they needed & then provide it. This was either said or implied, but we got the message.
☁︎ So we assume everyone else also wants / needs us to do that

• And we were punished for not getting it right!  Either directly, by them berating or hitting us, or just by continuing to be drunk, crazy, mean, depressed….
This left us with a deep well of anxiety – fearful that we’ll always “get it wrong” but not knowing what to do or how to be to please them

ii. Our CONTROL – now we’re the ones being controlling – trying to make everyone & everything around us SAFE so we can feel less terrified, by making sure they have all their needs met – by us. The assumption is that everyone is as weak, needy, incompetent, scared, sick…… as our parents were

The WIC is convinced that when we fix whoever we’re with, they will :  protect us, never leave us,  take care of us, love us …. if only we work hard enough to get it right. Unfortunately, as long as we let our Adapted Child pick relationships, they’re going to be unhealthy, just like our family!

NEXT: Mind-reading #1c

MIND READING vs. Intuition (Part 1a)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

mind-readingIS IT REAL OR…..
am I just projecting?

PREVIOUS: Healthy RISK

POSTS: “Symbiosis & ACoAs”
• “How ACoAs Abandon Others”

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

1. MIND-READING (M-R)
a. Meanings
This is one of the many Cognitive Distortions (CDs) that plague ACoA & alcoholic thinking :
♦︎Expect yourself to know what others are thinking, without them having to tell you, and
♦︎ Magically assume you know how someone’s feeling, or what they need or want – from you —> so you can provide it!
AND
♦︎ expect others to know what we need, feel & think, without having to tell them.

This CD is a form of symbiosis, (opposite of S & I), the WIC’s desperate desire to stay connected to others — the same way an infant needs the mother to KNOW what the baby needs & feels.
In a healthy family mindreadingthis is provided, which allows the child to form a safe internal base. Then they can outgrow the need to be intertwined & rely on themself.

ACoA impulse to Mind-Read is :
• knowing from experience that our parents did not love us unconditionally & so assume everyone else will feel the same way toward us
• being raised in an environment where the adults hardly ever talked to us, or evaded admitting what was happening, so we couldn’t know what others were thinking or feeling
AND
• growing up in a family where emotional & mental honesty was missing (lying, hypocrisy), so we had to guess at reality
• our fear of separateness – if we ‘know’ what someone is thinking then we’re permanently joined (intertwined), to stave off the bitter loneliness of the WIC
• needing to protect ourselves at all times from the ‘dangerous’ world by ‘figuring out’ what to expect – always
AND
• not taught how to gather info correctly, we make things up. We’re not allowed to ask AND assume we won’t get the truth anyway
• trying to figure out how to behave (if I “know” what you’re thinking I can adjust my actions accordingly)

🦠 Mind-reading is completely about us – not about the person or group we’re referring to. Because it’s not based in reality, it does the opposite of what it’s supposed to accomplish.
Instead of keeping us attached & safe, M-R insures staying at a distance in a fantasy fog, separating us from the rest of humanity, which reinforces our sense of alienation.  No wonder ACoAs feel like we ‘don’t belong anywhere’, even when in a room full of other ACoAs!

M-R also means WE :
♦︎ are sure someone is reacting badly to or thinking negatively about us, without any real evidence… often contrary to what the other person actually feels, says or does….
SO OUR:
✧ S-H becomes “Nobody likes me”
✧ FoA becomes “She would never spend time with me”
✧ paranoia becomes “I know they’re talking about me”
✧ fear of rejection becomes “She’ll be too busy to help me”
✧ perfectionism becomes “They all thought my _____ was awful”
✧ lack of boundaries becomes “The boss expects me to be just like her!”

angry guyMe, me, me!  M-R completely erases others, as if they didn’t have separate identities, minds of their own OR had other things to think about besides us!

EXP: Paul sits anxiously in a 12-step meeting, raising his hand but not getting called on.  He’s convinced the speaker is deliberately avoiding him – “she must not want to hear what I have to say… she doesn’t like me… she thinks she’s better than me…”, so Paul sits & fumes.

Reality: If Paul had asked the speaker about this, he would have been told: “I’m sorry, I saw your hand, but just didn’t get to you.  It’s so hard to pick – you want to include everyone, but there’s just not enough time.”

EXP: If your therapist yawns or seems distracted – you assume he / she is bored with you.
Or if you get invited to a dinner party, you’re sure they only invited you to make up the seating numbers.

Reality: You’re therapist was up all nite with a sick child or has a bad headache! AND, you were invited to dinner because the hostess likes you & knows you’ll be a great addition!

NEXT: MIND-READING vs Intuition – 1b

Another AWARD

dmtorbi ACoAs, al-anon, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , ,

Thanks to The MANHATTAN AWARD PROGRAM

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