ACCEPTANCE ISN’T SO BAD
once I understand it
Acceptance & ACoAs (# 1)
1. PROBLEM (cont)
🔹 Negative MEANING (cont)
We (self-destructively) ACCEPT that we deserve / or must endure:
• verbal abuse, disrespect, being controlled
• being treated like a dumb kid (we were never dumb, even as kids!)
• being over-looked, unappreciated, ignored
• having to let others use, manipulate & torture us
• not allowed to have a positive impact on our world (be effectual)
& that we deserve / or must endure:
• never finding love & validation, since our parents didn’t (narcissists attach but don’t actually love others)
• staying small & ‘weak’, not knowing how to take care of ourselves
• having to deny / destroy ourselves in order for others to be OK
• only staying with unavailable, distant, cruel & selfish people
READ story of Hansel & Grethel.
Our Toxic Rules are so deeply ingrained that even when we start having useful, valid new info about ourselves & the people in our life (A1), we still skip over A2, automatically going to A3.
Whenever we have any new Awareness ACoAs immediately ask: “What can I / should I DO about it?” (Action is not acceptance)
We compulsively SKIP the middle ‘A’ because:
• it’ll make us safer, considering the harmful CD we think it means
• our whole culture focuses on Action (just DO it!)
• our culture does not value process, ONLY immediate gratification
• we’ve been waiting so long for something better to come along, we don’t want it to take time. The WIC is convinced that if we’re told to wait, it means it’ll never happen / never get our needs met
• our dysfunctional family made their approval conditional (if at all) – based on our actions. If you act bad, you’re bad, if you act good, we ‘love’ you – sort of. YUCK. Healthy love is unconditional!
We think we have no choice, trapped in a double bind:
• on the one hand – we hate the rules we grew up with
• on the other hand – we’re not allowed to disobey them, ever.
So, since OUR version of acceptance is so painful & debilitating, we keep trying to ignore it altogether, as if we could control the truth away!
♦️ ♦️ ♦️
2. HEALTHY ACCEPTANCE
Positive Acceptance is acknowledging the TRUTH about things, without any makeup or mask. It’s ONLY about what actually is or was! It’s about reality, not what we wish things were like, what we think they should be, what others say things are, or even what could potentially be.
It’s only about WHAT IS, such as:
• being damaged in childhood, whether from an alcoholic family or not
• that it caused us great harm
• that we are NOT the source of that damage
• that we’re responsible for fixing that damage, no matter how unfair
• that people aren’t always what we want them to be
• that we don’t have the power or the right to try to change others
• seeing who people ACTUALLY are, not ignoring the parts that hurt us….
ACCEPTING good things requires that we slowly:
• leave behind all our ratty, smelly baggage & garbage in the old inner universe with that broken down spooky old mess we grew up in, dropping the rags of our False Self a piece at a time
• patiently move our God-given True Self into a beautiful new Inner Universe, with a castle that we have the full deed to, which has level floors, clearly defined halls, stairs & comfortable rooms, with cozy furnishings just to our taste!
NEXT: Healthy A2 – Cont. (#3)