PREVIOUS: Positive Responses – re events
REVIEW: Part 1: Events + Large Chart
POSTS : EMOTIONS – To Motivate
2. EMOTIONS Square
Healthy ACoAs are not afraid to feel, own & deal with our emotions. Es are a vital part of our self-protection & self-correcting mechanism, built in to our brain (the limbic system). It doesn’t matter which ego state the emotions come from – they’re all part of us. As we learn to identify ‘who’s’ saying & feeling what (Ts & Es) – we can respond to internal cues more accurately
a. From the WIC (adapted child)
• These emotions will be left-over from our difficult childhood – abandonment terror, hopelessness, profound existential loneliness, rage, self-hate, even feeling suicidal – all based on actual experiences, PLUS internalizing those of our parents
b. From the Negative Introject
It includes all the dysfunction from their background, & their feelings towards us, including:
desperation, disgust, fear of abandonment, indifference, impatience, neediness …… emotions we absorbed & continue to carry – until they’re cleaned out. We have to face our pain, but the thoughts & feelings of our parents MUST be given back to them! via repeated visualizations & statements
• “Dad, I love you but I can’t save you from mom’s cruelty. I tried to ease your pain, even taking on your covert suicidal feelings, but never could fix you. You chose her & stayed with her – it’s your marriage. You’re not my mate, so I give you back to her!”
• “Mom, I’ve been carrying your fear, helplessness & unfelt rage all these years, thinking it would help lift your burden. I’m sad that you’ve been suffering, but I know now it was an impossible task & not mine to deal with anyway. I’ve rolled up all your pain in a big black ball & now give it back to you. I have enough of my own to heal!”
c. From the Healthy Child
• Our Natural Self, whether Introvert or Extrovert, is a combination of – amusement, amazement, anger, curiosity, excitement, disappointment, love, joy, shyness, trust … and envy, fear, greed, need, naiveté, selfishness, stubbornness …. (PAC characteristics)
d. From the Loving Parent
• This is the missing ego state in all wounded ACoAs & so is the most important to develop, replacing the PP (pig parent / bad voice) : love, consistency, patience, persistence, sense of humor, tolerance, faith….. needed for positive self-care
NOTE : the Healthy Adult is basically emotion-free – primarily our computer mode, practical, rational & objective
i. I didn’t Cause it
Other people’s reactions to us speaks about who they are.
😻 Getting this truth into our cells is a core imperative !!! a requirement for peace of mind! ONLY our co-dependence & narcissism says otherwise
ii. I can’t Control it
Being controlling is driven by anxiety – the fear of loss (abandonment) & the grandiose belief that we have power in powerless situations. (Serenity Prayer – backwards). We can’t make others do or be what we want, only continue working on ourself
iii. I can’t Cure it
While some spiritual practices teach that we have all power, over everything – ultimately there are things in this lifetime we cannot cure, whether in ourselves or in others. Focusing on the impossible is a waste of time & takes energy away from the many wonderful things we can accomplish!
OTHER PEOPLE — Their reactions to our behavior can have something to do with us, directly OR indirectly IF:
a. about Them:
• we accidentally bump against a long-standing emotional ‘hot button’ in them (we ONLY create buttons in our own physical children)
• we inadvertently remind them of someone in their own damaged past
• we don’t go along with their narcissistic needs or expectations
b. about Us:
• when our unhealed rage &/or neediness pushes others away
• we keep asking unavailable people to be there for us when they can’t
• we consistently expect too much of others, including healthy ones
• we say or do something hurtful, disloyal, selfish…. from our damage
🔸 The things WE ARE responsible for can be worked on in Recovery, especially things we do / say that hurt others.
To heal we have to own it all, objectively, without self-hate, & be willing to make changes.
Reasons that others may legitimately be uncomfortable with us (our repressed rage, neediness, unavailability…) will lessen as we develop our ‘UNIT’ & progressively interact with others in new ways.
NEXT: Positive Responses (Thinking)