PREVIOUS: Positive Responses – re events
REVIEW: Part 1: Events + Large Chart
2. EMOTIONS Square
Healthy ACoAs are not afraid to feel, own & deal with our emotions. Es are a vital part of our self-protection & self-correcting mechanism, built in to our brain (the limbic system). It doesn’t matter which ego state the emotions come from – they’re all part of us. As we learn to identify ‘who’s’ saying & feeling what (Ts & Es) – we can respond to internal cues more accurately
a. From the WIC (adapted child)
• These emotions will be left-over from our difficult childhood – terror, self-hate, rage, hopelessness, profound existential loneliness, abandonment, even feeling suicidal, all based on actual experiences, PLUS internalizing those of our parents
b. From the Negative Introject
It includes all the dysfunction from their background, & their feelings towards us, including:
indifference, impatience, neediness, disgust, fear of abandonment, desperation …… emotions we absorbed & continue to carry – until they’re cleaned out. We have to face our pain, but the thoughts & feelings of our parents MUST be given back to them! via repeated visualizations & statements
• “Dad, I love you but I can’t save you from mom’s cruelty. I tried to ease your pain, even taking on your covert suicidal feelings, but never could fix you. You chose her & stayed with her – it’s your marriage. You’re not my mate, so I give you back to her!”
• “Mom, I’ve been carrying your fear, helplessness & unfelt rage all these years, thinking it would help lift your burden. I’m sad that you’ve been suffering, but I know now it was an impossible task & not mine to deal with anyway. I’ve rolled up all your pain in a big black ball & now give it back to you. I have enough of my own to heal!”
c. From the Healthy Child
• Our Natural Self, whether Introvert or Extrovert, is a combination of – amusement, amazement, anger, love, joy, curiosity, disappointment, excitement, shyness, trust … and envy, fear, greed, need, naiveté, selfishness, stubbornness …. (PAC characteristics)
d. From the Loving Parent
• This is the missing ego state in all wounded ACoAs & so is the most important to develop, replacing the PP (pig parent / bad voice): love, consistency, patience, persistence, sense of humor, tolerance, faith…..
NOTE : the Healthy Adult is basically emotion-free – primarily our computer mode, practical, rational & objective
i. I didn’t Cause it
Other people’s reactions to us speaks about who they are.
😻 Getting this truth into our cells is a core imperative !!! a requirement for peace of mind! ONLY our co-dependence & narcissism says otherwise
ii. I can’t Control it
Being controlling is driven by anxiety – the fear of loss (abandonment) & the grandiose belief that we have power in powerless situations. (Serenity Prayer – backwards). We can’t make others do or be what we want, only continue working on ourselves
iii. I can’t Cure it
While some spiritual practices teach that we have all power, over everything – ultimately there are things in this lifetime we cannot cure, whether in ourselves or in others. Focusing on the impossible is a waste of time & takes energy away from the many wonderful things we can accomplish!
OTHER PEOPLE — Their reactions to us can have something to do with us, directly OR indirectly IF:
a. from Them:
• we accidentally bump against a long-standing emotional ‘hot button’ in them (we ONLY create buttons in our own physical children)
• we inadvertently remind them of someone in their own damaged past
• we don’t go along with their narcissistic needs or expectations
b. from Us:
• when our unhealed rage &/or neediness pushes others away
• we keep asking unavailable people to be there for us when they can’t
• we consistently expect too much of others, including healthy ones
• we say or do something hurtful, disloyal, selfish…. from our damage
🔸 The things WE ARE responsible for can be worked on in Recovery, especially things we do /say that hurt others.
To heal we have to own it all, objectively, without self-hate, & be willing to make changes. Reasons that others may legitimately be uncomfortable with us (our repressed rage, neediness, unavailability…) will lessen as we develop our ‘UNIT’ & progressively interact with others in new ways.
NEXT: Positive Responses (Thinking)