PREVIOUS: Mind-reading #1b
QUOTES: “I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet.” ~ Mahatma Gandhi
• “Great relationships are based on clarity, not mind-reading.” ~ Steve Arterburn, founder of New Life Ministries
• “You’d think a person who could read minds would be able to get a better boyfriend.” ~ Lori Brighton, in “The Mind Readers”
1. MIND-READING (M-R) cont.
a . Official meaning // b. A Variation
INSTEAD OF nurturing us, our family…. (cont.)
i. They Controlled us….. (parents)
ii. We Control others……(safety)
iii. At the same time, mind-reading (M-R) is also a way to imagine that others have what we want & need, since we’re not confident we can provide for ourselves. “If I take care of you, you will become strong (& grateful) & then be able to return the favor – without my having to ask!”
We learned it was shameful to have needs, so we have to “depend on the kindness of strangers”. WE are not allowed to have anything positive for our False Self – much less for the True Self. All our efforts go into assuming we know who others are & what they want
1. our need for information becomes “I have to tell her why she’s doing that self-destructive thing – she’ll be so interested”
2. our desperate hunger to be loved becomes “I know he loves me”
3. our need for healing becomes “He‘ll be glad I gave him this recovery book to read, because he’ll see the light & feel better”
4. our fear of loneliness becomes “How could you go on that trip alone? That must have been depressing!”
5. our fear of abandonment becomes “It must have been so hard for you to leave that relationship / job / country…”
6. our fear of risk becomes “… that was so brave of you!”…..
✒︎ At first glance these statements may seem legitimate because it sounds like the focus is not on us but on the other person.
Actually – we’re making up what the other person needs, thinks or feels, without ASKING, based on our point of view, & therefore dishonoring /disrespecting who they actually are!
✶✶✶ AND – even when they tell us what they like or don’t like – we still believe we know better! How arrogant – & unsuccessful
REALITY (re. the 6 points):
1. She probably won’t want to hear your opinion! Besides, she didn’t ask for it.
2. He barely knows you’re alive, or just sees you as a friend
3. He didn’t ask for the book, won’t read it, doesn’t take any other advice you give, & tells you you’re being controlling (you are!)
4. She has no problem going anywhere alone, & while she may feel a bit lonely sometimes, she makes friends wherever she goes
5. She was ready to leave, in fact – couldn’t wait!
6. It didn’t take bravery because he wasn’t afraid
EXP of mind-reading: Ernie is an only child, raised by a mentally ill mother who sat staring at the wall – often for days. Sometimes she’d be ok for a while – except for an occasional fit of rage. His father was depressed & had no time for him. One way Ernie survived was to live in a fantasy world, & also being a good student.
• As an adult he’s done very well at ‘mental’ work that doesn’t require much interaction with others. Even so, he longs to know the comfort of a loving relationship & family life which he’s never been able to achieve.
When he walks down the street & sees a couple hand-in-hand or a parent talking with their child – he assumes (imagines) their life is great, they have no problems, they’re happy & will be so ‘forever’.
CONTINUING the use of Mind-Reading
Internally — we stay ‘separate’ by living in our own fantasy world // stay deprived by minimally providing for our own needs
Externally — actually hurt others instead of helping them // we don’t interact with others based on reality
➼ No matter what excuse or explanation we make up about it, mind reading is detrimental to ourselves and others.
⬆️ CHART: Using Healthy Intuition creates safety, not Mind-reading. NEXT 3 posts.
NEXT: Mind-Reading vs INTUITION – 2a