PREVIOUS: ACoAs INVADING Boundaries – #1
OUR DAMAGE (cont)
☛ “Space Invaders” don’t have an ‘end’ to their sense of Self – everyone is assumed to be in the realm of their personal space .
Most of us have such intense FoA that if we give the other person breathing space, it feels like we are going to die. We won’r, but it sure hurts!
ACoAs invaders can be:
• controlling – who like to tell others what to do, say & feel – all the time
• hyper-responsible – carrying the weight of world on their shoulders. They assume no one else is as competent as themselves, so they have to take charge – they’re just ‘trying to get the job done’
• insensitive – rude, self-absorbed, unaware — like in the movies “What about Bob?” & Mr Bean. They intrude with no sense of the effect on others.
WAYS ACoAs cross boundaries (add your own):
PHYSICAL / SEXUAL
• stand too close to others • use physical intimidation
• talk loudly on cell phones, in movies…. talk over others
• barge into a room without knocking, like bathrooms, bedrooms… • touch others without asking
• look thru others’ documents, rooms, drawers, medicine chest…. • eat from someone’s plate without asking
• use sex to manipulate emotionally, as a reward or punishment • don’t allow others their privacy
• force sex on someone who does not want it, with or without physical / emotional abuse during sex
MENTAL / EMOTIONAL
• say whatever we want, whenever – with no regard to place, time or others’ feelings
• are needy, taking too much – by being passive & dependent
• tell secrets we promised to keep (triangulating)
• use verbal abuse & psychological intimidation, make threats
• try to define limits for others (what they can or can’t do)
• butt in on others’ emotions, pressing them for info, insisting they tell us how they feel, trying to fix their pain
• assume others know what we feel or need, & expect them to automatically provide them. When they won’t or can’t – we get depression & feel endless resentment (obsessional anger)
• are not able or willing to respect the rights of others – to have different needs or opinions from our own
• insist we know what others need – constantly giving advice & expecting others to follow it
It’s important to ask permission to enter someone’s personal space, whether mental, physical, emotional or spiritual (PMES). We can picture everyone as having a fence around them & learn to knock at the gate before barging in.
If they say NO, walk away!
If our Wounded Inner Child feels rejected we can comfort ourselves for being sad & scared, & explain to the WIC that everyone has the right to their privacy – including us!
Are you making others Uncomfortable? Did you even notice? Here are some Subtle Signs that others have REACTIONS to your narcissism (B INVASIONS).. THEY:
1. justify your bad behavior toward them
“Yes, Sheila makes fun of me but I know she loves me.”
2. blame themselves when things going wrong (don’t hold YOU responsible)
“It’s my own fault that my co-worker takes credit for my work”
3. feel ashamed for no apparent reason
EXP: You agrees to babysit every Wednesday night so Mom can have some personal time, then keeps texting her to say their child misses her
4. start doubting a decision that suits them, but start second-guessing it when you keeps questioning it – insinuating it might be too much for them, the wrong option, or just plain dumb
5. sense something’s “off” with you, which feels ICKY. They can’t pinpoint what’s wrong, but their internal warning system keeps pinging. Until they figure it out they’re being to be confused & indecisive
6. have their decisions be disregarded – you take away their power to choose.
EXP: You come up with alternate suggestion to what your friend wants to do for their B/day, & say “Lets try —- you’ll love it!”