PREVIOUS: ACoAs INVADING Boundaries – #1
OUR DAMAGE (cont)
☛ “Space Invaders” don’t have an ‘edge’ to their sense of Self – everyone is assumed to be in the realm of their personal space .
Most of us have such intense FoA that if we give the other person breathing space, it feels like we are going to die. We won’r, but it sure hurts!
ACoAs invaders can be:
• controlling – who like to tell others what to do, say & feel – all the time
• hyper-responsible – carrying the weight of the world on our shoulders. We assume no one else is as competent as ourself, so we must take charge – just ‘trying to get the job done’
• insensitive – rude, self-absorbed, unaware – like in the movies “What about Bob?” & Mr Bean. We intrude with no sense of the effect on others.
WAYS ACoAs cross boundaries (add your own):
PHYSICAL / SEXUAL
• stand too close to others
• use physical intimidation
• talk loudly on cell phones, in movies…. talk over others
• barge into a room without knocking, like bathrooms, bedrooms…
• touch others without asking
• eat from someone’s plate without asking
• force sex on someone who does not want it, with or without physical / emotional abuse during sex
• look thru others’ documents, rooms, drawers, medicine chest…. • don’t allow others their privacy
• use sex to manipulate emotionally, as a reward or punishment
MENTAL / EMOTIONAL
• are needy, taking too much – by being passive & dependent
• are not able or willing to respect the rights of others – to have different needs or opinions from our own
• assume others know what we feel or need, & expect them to automatically provide them. When they won’t or can’t – we get depression & feel endless resentment (obsessional anger)
• butt in on others’ emotions, pressing them for info, insisting
they tell us how they feel, trying to fix their pain
• insist we know what others need – constantly giving advice & expecting others to follow it
• say whatever we want, whenever – with no regard to place, time or others’ feelings
• tell secrets we promised to keep (triangulating)
• try to define limits for others (what they can or can’t do)
• use verbal abuse & psychological intimidation, make threats
It’s important to ask permission to enter someone’s personal space, whether mental, physical, emotional or spiritual (PMES). We can picture everyone as having a fence around them & learn to knock at the gate before barging in.
If they say NO, walk away!
If our Wounded Inner Child feels rejected we can comfort ourselves for being sad & scared, & explain to the WIC that everyone has the right to their privacy – including us!
Do you making others Uncomfortable? Did you even notice? Here are some Subtle Signs that others have REACTIONS to your narcissism (B INVASIONS).. THEY:
1. blame themselves when they’re uncomfortable or mad at you (don’t hold YOU responsible)
“It’s my own fault that my co-worker takes credit for my work”
2. justify your bad behavior toward them
“Yes, Sheila makes fun of me, but it’s all in fun & I know she loves me.”
3. feel ashamed for no apparent reason
EXP: You agree to babysit every Wednesday night so the Mom can have some personal time, then keep texting her to say her child misses her
4. start doubting a decision that suits them, second-guessing it when you keep questioning it – insinuating it might be too much for them, the wrong option, or just plain dumb
5. sense something’s “off” with you, which feels ICKY. They can’t pinpoint what’s wrong, but their internal warning system keeps pinging. Until they figure it out they’re going to be confused & indecisive
6. have their decisions disregarded & ignored – you’ve taken away their power to choose or have an effect
EXP: You come up with alternate suggestion to what your friend wants to do for their B/day, & say “Lets try____ you’ll love it!”
NEXT: B. Distortions #1