BIG BROTHER IS WATCHING
Then why do I feel so alone?
PREVIOUS: How ACoAs B. Invade
• Unhealthy parents with rigid or weak boundaries automatically invade the PMES space of their children – they can’t help it! As a result ACoAs grow up co-dependently enmeshed, not just with a specific parent but the whole toxic family system. From that early model, we recreate our work & personal relationships in similar ways – invading & being invaded or keeping everyone at bay, believing we don’t have the ability to enforce our personal space.
• For ACoAs, developing healthy Bs is a long, arduous & imperfect journey. However, as long as we’re consistently reacting to people, places & things from damage (lack of Bs), we’re in the Child ego state – still not emotionally mature. For those of us well on our way to a Whole Self, whenever we too react without Bs, we’ve regressed to an earlier stage of childhood, but are able to come back to the present more easily & quickly
• A sure sign of not having healthy Bs is when we habitually, compulsively consider ourselves only in relation to others (co-dependence). ACoAs are enmeshed with everyone – not just people we love, or even know. But it’s so much a part of how we relate, we don’t recognize it as damage.
One way it shows up is when we disagree with or disapprove of anything another person says or wants. We get really scared – especially if they don’t like it. We’re confused, talk ourselves out of deal with it, OR we rant about it to others, obsessing about what we should have said or what we will -next time, but never do! The focus is on the other person, rather than ourselves.
✓ “I want to tell her I didn’t like what she said last week, so she’ll understand (get it) & not talk to me that way again…..”
✓ “I can’t tell her I don’t want to go there anymore because she will be upset”
✓ “I’d like to tell him what I think about what’s going on between us, but he won’t get it, so why bother”….
• When it comes to saying what’s on our mind – which we’re usually terrified of doing – the most important thing for ACoAs is to speak up on behalf of our Inner Child. It is not necessary for the other person to see us, understand, or change.
With good Bs, we don’t need others to validate our thoughts, feelings or existence!
And when dealing with self-centered controllers, we can be sure they will NOT get it. An Al-Anon saying is: “Take the action & let go of the result!”
BUT, since we’re not allowed to know what we need, we use others:
— to complete us (review ACoAs & symbiosis) AND
— to set limits for us, as if we were still infants!
Their agendas & desires become our blueprint for responses & activities.
When we find our what they’re going to be doing or what they want, we mold ourselves to that, even tho very often it’s not something we want! Without boundaries we’re at everyone else’s whim
• Since the WIC is looking for a definitive outline of what’s expected of it, in a desperate (usually unconscious) desire to stay connected, to avoid feeling abandoned, to be taken care of – we will do anything to please others, usually at our expense, so they won’t be angry or be hurt, & then go away! Therefore, ACoAs can get very upset when ‘significant’ people:
— expect us to “just know” what they want
— are unclear about that they expect from us
— change their minds a lot, are undependable, unpredictable
— lie, are chaotic, hard to read, drugged, crazy…..
WITHOUT Recovery, we then freeze, run around in circles, get angry or depressed…. because we don’t have our own core to guide us.
NEXT: B. Distortions (Part 2)