PREVIOUS: M vs F Brains #8

REVIEW: Relationship stages // Continuum





1. Sanity – The ability to distinguish between reality & fantasy
2. Psychological health – A person with good psychological health is more stable, positive & easier to live with

3. Assertive boundary (B) – a form of Personal Bs, expressed in actions
EnneaType: 1s & 8s have the strongest active boundary function, with an internal reference frame of reality, good at pushing their beliefs into the external world
MBTI: T + J gives strong assertive Bs (ENTJ & ESTJ, INTJ & ISTJ)

4. Non-reactive boundary – also a form of personal Bs, but it’s to not take on the fight. Instead, it’s being able to ignore the whole thing (big or small) & move on. It’s expert at conserving energy by not reacting – a preservation mechanism.
EnneaWings: 5w4 & 5w6, 8w9 & 9w8 – are the strongest
MBTI: I-TP (ISTP & INTP) are the strongest

5. Human Depth
We are complicated & easily insulted. Most people seem to think there’s so much more to them than others realize OR that everyone’s just like themselves. However, MBTI shows that –
• Thinkers have more depth in the world of the mechanical
• Feelers have more depth in the world of the living
• iNtuitives are better at abstract, imaginative thinking
• Sensers are better at taking in & processing information through the 5 senses

6. Intelligence – women want a smart partner more than men do
• Men are more visual, so care more about looks than women (proven scientifically)
• Some men are very proud &/or dominant types,  so need to feel smarter than their woman. If a potential partner is much smarter, it could be a deal-breaker
• Women go more by personality, which includes intelligence. so a smart man is never a deal-breaker

7. Brain-side orientation
Opposites attract – someone who mostly uses the Left brain is strangely drawn to someone who mainly uses the Right side. It doesn’t have to be an exact 1-1 correlation, it just needs it to be decent. People who are balanced, with only a slight left side domination (say 55%), can be with a wider range of people.  (Right vs Left sides)

8. Speed
: of action, decision making, physical movements & thinking.
Enneagram Instinctual Variants: – Sexual (sx) brings massive speed,  Social (so) gives some, & Self-preservation (sp) slows things down

HIGH: 2w1, 2w3 / 3w2, 3w4 / 4w3 (burst quality) / 6w7 / 7w6, 7w8 / 8w7
MODERATE: 1w2 / 4w5 (burt) / 6w5 / 8w9
Burst quality depends a lot on the persons’ mood or mental stateattractiveness

9. General physical attraction
• good posture, good skin
• right ratios in face & body
• slim, tall (usually, not always)
• muscular, + other signs of health &/or fertility

10. Personal physical attraction – its purpose is to even out one’s own extremes of some characteristic. The farther away from the “preferable average” of a given trait is, the more compelled a person will be to find a partner that cancels out that extreme, so their combination creates a “healthy average”

11. Genetic smell (immune system switches)
A collection of genes called The Major Histo-compatibility Complex (MHC) coordinates our immune system, & also decides how we smell.
Here too, opposites attract. We like people who have different ‘switches’ in their immune system from ours, & we can tell that by their smell. Our opposites also help to produce healthier offspring. This preference might prevents incest, since we’re less attracted to ‘like’ types

12. Ns and Ss mostly attract each other
This is the exception the opposites-attract rule. Normally, people with these opposing functions are not drawn to each other.
However some Ns & Ss do form a successful relationship that last a life-time, BUT only if they match each other very well on other criteria (OR if the N is used to having their S/N side discounted or abused – as so many ACoAs do!)

Points 4 & 9 are directly related to MBTI type

Points 1 & 3 / 10 & 12 are not. (Though “Sanity” is weakly correlated, since more neurotic types like Ennea 4′s often have mental problems)

• Points 1 & 9 are about the brain / 10 & 12 are about the body
• Points 1, 2 & 3 are ‘invisible’ things unknown to humans, but incorporate some commonly known things

OTHER influences on attractiveness, commonly known & also impossible to scientifically pin down or define:
— character / confidence (big one!) / how funny someone is / how big
— honesty / maturity / street smarts / wit…..
(FROM a Swedish site no longer available)

NEXT: Function Development

4 PARENTING Styles & RESULTS (Part 1)

4 styles





I LOVE OVERVIEWS! – They provide perspective

SITES: 10 Parenting Styles  // Other STYLES (slides 16-17)
How the Tigers, Dolphins & Jellyfish Parents Differ
• TIGER MOM – Cultural differences (+ cartoon by Keith Knight)

DEF: Parenting styles are techniques that parents use to take care of their children.
Categories: Authoritative, Autocratic, Permissive & Neglectful (1 healthy, 3 unhealthy), with –
Degrees of:
– Nurturing Affection : warm to cold
– Demand & Control : more or less
Dimensions that are essential: Communication styles / Disciplinary strategies / Expectations of maturity & control / Warmth & nurturance (Diana Baumring – 1967)

Our basic identity is modified & shaped by our experiences with our parents – forming the structure of our adult personality. What we learned then is deeply implanted in our most primitive, powerful emotions as young children, when we were totally vulnerable to being molded.diagram of parenting styles

• Each of us is unique – different from everyone else, both as individuals & in relation to our family structure (gender, birth order, looks, interests….).
• And each parent has their own pre-set core Self & personality style. The mix & match is complex & often at odds.

Finding actual cause-&-effect links between specific parental actions & children’s resulting ‘personality’ is not simple or easy. Some children raised in dramatically different environments can later grow up to have remarkably similar personalities.

Conversely, some who share a home & raised in the same environment can grow up to have astonishingly different personalities –  due to the same or different Myers-Briggs, Enneagram, Astrology….
However, researchers have found correlations between these 4 categories & how children turn out

Realistically, the Parental Style used is the one that each child experiences, not the one the adults ‘think’ they’re working from, or wish they could work from. Actually, most parents switch between all 4.
The length & intensity of their interactions with children are based on emotional states, motivations, engagement, levels of stress, feeling fresh or tired…. at any given moment.
But most parents always default to a favorite negative style, while only a few aspire to / work at living more in the healthy one (Authoritative).

The next 2 composite charts outline the 4 main types (#1 & 2)

MY parenting -1NEXT: Parenting styles (Part 2)

Mind-Reading vs. INTUITION (Part 2a)

intuition 1


but I don’t have any proof


Review Mind-reading, 1a


DEF: INTUITION =  It’s like overhearing a conversation in a language we’re not fluent in but can still get the gist of what’s said. It’s the ability to maneuver within beliefs & knowledge, giving a relative awareness of where we are on the map of life
PS: Inspiration is seeing the whole path we need to travel on the map

Intuition is complex – mostly it’s being tuned-in to the world around us – & beyond – picking up info without any obvious source
For some it’s a gut feeling
For others it’s the universe giving them a gentle nudge
For still others it’s the answer to a prayer or a whisper from God

Intuition is an innate survival tool, a compass & a tether connecting us to our environment. It doesn’t have to be supernatural – it is most often a subliminal accumulation of what others are saying, feeling or doing (their T.E.As) & storing it for future reference (see pt. d)

SO – Intuition is in us & comes from us, but is about everything outside of us – the opposite of Mind Reading.
✶ When cultivated, it bypasses or counters certain of our ACoA damage!

a. In the Myers-Briggs Personality Inventory (MBTI), the second of 4 levels is Sensate vs Intuitive, which has to do with one’s style of gathering information about the world, & making decisions based on it.

• At one extreme are the Sensates (S) who need proof of everything, literal & practical. They prefer hands-on, here-&-now tangible experiences, only believing what they can see & touch. They are about 70% of the US population & are considered ‘hard-nosed’ by their opposites

• At the other end are the Intuitives (N) who ‘just know’ – they look for meaning, possibilities & relationships among things (the gestalt). They like to put things in a theoretical framework, looking at things holistically, seeking the big picture. They comprise about 30% & are considered ‘flakes’ by the S. (See all 4 levels)

✶ Most people don’t live at the extreme ends of this level (S vs N). But when 2 people in any kind of relationship DO, it is one of the most difficult discrepancies of the 4 levels to overcome.
They never really ‘get’ each other.  It’s especially hard when an extreme S mother has a very N child – she’ll likely negate the child’s way of understanding its environment, making the child doubt its perceptions, even its sanity –  especially if the mother is also a narcissist

b. As Children
• From birth, kids have a capacity for seeing & sensing things that many adults are unaware of. This is an important instinct for them, since they’re so vulnerable & don’t yet have language.  Infants mirror what we present to them, especially our emotions

EXP: When a mother takes a slow, deep breath each time she feels tension, either in herself or the infant, it teaches the baby to do the same. She’s creating & reinforcing the state of anxiety – without ever saying a word!
• Equally so, children who comfortably spend time contemplating & exploring their thoughts & feelings, without interference, will develop self-awareness & the intuitive abilities that come from this inner knowledge

•  The absorption capacity of intuition, so highly developed in kids, allows us to assimilate our parents’ inner feelings as much as their overt messages. The combination becomes the Introject – which is only negative if our parents were mentally &/or emotionally damaged

Exp:  A friend remembers one evening when she was 6 or 7, sitting with her dad in the living room while he was reading the paper. For no apparent reason she asked him who Lydia was.  He looked at her puzzled but didn’t answer. Many years later she found out that he was having an affair with a Lydia back then, but at that time no one in the family knew about it.  What had she been ‘picking up’ on? – A smell? his guilt? his residual pleasure?


What is CHARACTER (Part 3)


what to look for

Previous: What is Character, Part 1

SITE: 7 Common Character types in Fiction

See ACRONYM Page for abbrev.



⚰︎ C Strengths (CS) are stable, but can & do change
While they are fundamental parts of our personality, these strengths can change in intensity or in focus, depending on predictable life events such as starting a family, unpredictable life events such as a trauma, and deliberate changes in lifestyle.  
• ALSO, some traits may be prominent at one stage in life (being Adventurous but not Compassionate, Socially active but not Discrete…) while other traits may take prominence at other stages, as with experience & maturity (Decisiveness, Cautiousness, Self-control….)

⚰︎ CS are inter-dependent
In most situations people will express a combination of CS rather than one at a time. Interactions among strengths may enhance the expression of some but hinder the expression of others. For exp, it’s hard to be creativity without some level of curiosity, or to be kind without some amount of bravery…..while being discrete can limit the ability to be persuasive, and being truthful will modify one’s meekness ….

⚰︎ CS can be developed
While we’re born with CS, we can have them in different proportions (one person will be naturally higher on Courage, another on Cautiousness, one is higher on Ambition, another on Deference….). Yet the strength of our characteristics can be modified or enhanced with attention, experience & training. People can learn to be more curious, more grateful, more fair, more open-minded…. Specific interventions can have an impact on many CS, such as journaling, emulating others & goal-oriented planning. Practice can break old habits and form new ones

⚰︎ Character Traits (CT) are expressed in degrees
People express their strengths in different ways, depending on the event or setting -in degrees – rather than having a trait or not have it.  
Social Psychology tells us that the details of the specific situation influences actual behavior. We may:
— normally be very Responsible, but on some occasions we’re not – because of how late we are, how much money we have at the moment, who we’re with, how upset we are ….
— use Sdegree of abilityocial intelligence & Curiosity when with friends, Self-regulation and Prudence when eating, draw on Teamwork and Perseverance at work, use Love and Kindness with family….
• The degree to which a trait is expressed can depend on the people we interact with: we may be Restrained with a shy person or unsafe authority figure but Expressive with good friends or children, Diligent at work but Carefree on vacation…..

⚰︎ CS can be overused, misused, or under-usedpower abuse
Since we are all molded by our childhood experiences, our fundamental strengths can be repressed & then quickly forgotten, or expressed in unbalanced & harmful ways. For exp, Creativity can be misused in email spamming; overuse of Curiosity can lead people into dangerous locations, under-use of Fairness can lead to conflicted relationships. Balance and skill are the keys

⚰︎ CS have important consequences
The outcome of expressing one’s CS is likely connected to many benefits, such as increased happiness.  This may be especially true regarding our signature strengths – the more intense ones that feel energizing & authentic which we use across many settings & are readily noticed by others.  Over time, research may also reveal that each Cs has its own unique ramification. For exp, perseverance seems to be linked with achievement more than most other character strengths.

⚰︎ CS are universaluniversal
These strengths can be found in the most remote cultures and lands, shared by people with differing beliefs, religious affiliations, and political preferences. This makes applying character strengths more a matter of gathering & using the best parts of us, than picking ourselves apart.
(from Ryan Niemiec, Psy.D)

NEXT: Dimensions of C.