PREVIOUS : Mind-reading vs. INTUITION (#2b)
QUOTES: “The only real valuable thing is intuition….. I sometimes feel that I am right. I do not know that I am.” ~ Albert Einstein
• “Insight is not a light bulb that goes off inside our heads. It is a flickering candle that can easily be snuffed out.” ~ Malcolm Gladwell, Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking
2. INTUITION (cont)
ASK, ASK, ASK! No matter how good our Intuition is we can NOT actually know what others think or feel. We are not them.
We’re not meant to be all-knowing, perfect, infallible! No matter how smart or experienced, we simply cannot be in someone else’s head. They have to tell us – especially those people we’re not deeply acquainted with. SO ask question – even if we think we have an idea about what’s going on. We may be surprised by the answers!
EXP: Barbara had handed her business card to the leader of a workshop at the break. Later that day he made a disparaging remark about the kind of people she worked with. Barbara was hurt & angry. She felt the comment was aimed at her & her profession. She thought of all the possible meanings & reasons for his put-down – & fumed!
• At the end of the event she asked to speak to him. “Why did you say that _____ are such troublemakers?” He thought for a moment, then said “Last time I did this seminar there were a whole group of them & they were constantly disruptive & argumentative. They ruined the event!”
Barbara thanked him, & as she turned away, started to laugh to herself. His original comment had never been about her at all, AND, even though she was intelligent & intuitive, she could not have possibly guessed his answer! She was glad she’d checked it out.
🔸It’s arrogant to assume we always know exactly why someone is thinking or feeling a certain way. Stay out of their head! To do otherwise is presumptuous, & a form of mental boundary invasion, This doesn’t win friends & influence people.
It’s NOT appropriate to tell others : ✓ what’s wrong with them ✓ what they mean ✓ how they’re feeling ✓ what they should be doing ✓ how to do things ✓ when to leave a person or place…. (⬅️ CHART )
• To be truly respectful we need to listen carefully, and ask – “What did you mean when you said ____? , Why did you do that? / What do you need , want, feel? / What would you like from me?”….
✒︎The answers may be unexpected, & we can always learn something. It will make us a better parent, friend, mate, employee… and much better liked – even by people who already love us!
BEING PRESENT : If we practice Awareness and Acceptance (from the 3 As), then even when we meet someone for the first time – using our accumulated experiences – we can tell what they’re basically like, because people tell us about themself all the time.
Once we recognize their type, we can decide quite soon if it’s safe to stay OR get away from them! We don’t have to keep getting more wounded, if we just stay awake! (POST: Safe vs Unsafe people)
EXP: Before doing any ACoA & FoO work, Brenda spent a lot of time in singles bars, listening to men talk about themselves (& getting picked up). Most were alcoholics & narcissists.
Brenda was victimized by these toxic men – selfish, insensitive, unavailable, often married, arrogant or self-deprecating….
But – along with the pain of being used & dumped – she was also gathering valuable info from listening to their ‘lines’. After a couple years of this, she could catch the pattern within 15 to 20 minutes of conversation with any new ‘contender’.
🔹 Then when she’s say: “No thanks…. we’re not compatible”, the men would usually respond: “How can you tell, you haven’t given me a chance!”
But by this time, even without Recovery, Brenda had recognized the type right off. She might feel a little twinge of guilt or doubt, but stuck to her decision!
🎼🎹 “Once you know a song by heart, you only need to hear the first few bars – to recognize it!”
NEXT: Negative Introject #1