acoa recovery

PROCESS – Recovery (Part 2a)

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 YOU MEAN PROCESS WORKS?
Yes. And it’s not a dirty word!

PREVIOUS: Process – ACoA version

BOOK:  PASSAGES, ∼ Gail Sheehy

  1. ACoA PROBLEM (part 1)

2. HEALTHY PROCESS – using Al-Anon’s 3 As
a. AWARENESS (Aw) – mainly ‘head’
i. What: Process is usually about information, based in reality
• something about ourselves, our past, the people we do/did interact with – those ‘AHA‘ moments that makes sense of something confusing or distressing
• it can be the end result of years of study & self-examination or by making an intuitive leap
• can also be about buried emotions which surface, sometimes unexpectedly, as a shock or as a result of conscious Recovery work
• a moment of ‘Spiritual Awakening’ – which lights up our inner worldawareness

ii. How: Aw. can come from:
• books, TV, movies, songs, websites, blogs
• therapy, 12-step programs, ministers, other healers
• talking to family, friends – even strangers
• meditation, journaling, drawing, Inner Child Writing or visualizations…

iii. Who – is comes mainly from the Healthy ADULT ego state, which observes & learns from everything in the present, accumulating & putting pieces of info together – in our own unique way
• It does not include information coming from fear, self-hate, shame, guilt… So, NOT from the bad parent or the wounded child ego states

vi. About
• accepting that self-esteem is not arrogance, selfishness or ‘ego’
• active addicts made poor parents, friends, mates, bosses
• following the toxic family rules is soul murder
• knowing that perfectionism is an expression of self-hate
& THAT:
• it takes a certain amount of Recovery to realize just how damaged self-confidencewe really are! – as denial diminishes, & we can handle the truth about our family
• no matter how hard we try to improve ourselves, some people will never like us or be comfortable around us
THAT:
• some people won’t see us or agree with some strong belief we hold — IF agreeing would cost them their sense of personal equilibrium (unhealthy)
• our identity cannot, must not, depend on having everyone like or approve of us
• some people will not appreciate the changes & improvements that come from our growth
• we won’t convince others of our point of view or beliefs — IF it contradicts their Inner Truth (healthy), AND we shouldn’t try!

b. ACCEPTANCE (Acc) – mainly about Feelings & Process
☆ covered extensively in posts : ’Acceptance & ACoAs’
i. What:
• it takes time to thaw out (lessen rigid defenses) enough to allow old accumulated emotions to surface.  Still hidden in the unconscious, all that pain powers the engine of our S-H & lack of clear identity
• the opposite of our WIC’s alcoholic grandiosity, which makes us think we have impossible powers, over everything, all the time
• taking responsibility for our own lives, while thoroughly acknowledging what happened to us as kids
• the essence of the Serenity Prayer
• Al-Anon’s 3 Cs “I didn’t Cause it, I can’t Control it, I can’t Cure it’ good group

ii. How – by:
• a conscious effort to deal with reality, as much as we can
• being willing to consistently be there for our IC
• having a loving, safe & smart support system
• persevering, no matter how long it takes
• understanding what to acc. & what not to put up with
• connecting with an H.P. of our understanding, to heal us

iii. Who – mainly acc. the Wounded Inner Child (WIC)
• psychically, we have a huge ‘trans-atlantic’ multi-stranded steel cable, with one end attached to our solar plexus & the other to our family (dead or alive), AND
• that in Recovery we have to snip away at each strand that feeds us their damage, while keeping any that are safe, healthy & useful. This takes time, effort & repetition

vi. About self-love
• all emotions give us legitimate information about our experiences & what’s bad or right or us
• we are damaged, NOT defective. Damage can be healed
• S-H is a defense against feeling the original abandonment pain
• everything self-hate tells us is always a LIE
❗️transferring personal power from the WIC to our developing UNIT
• normal = human = imperfect = OK / acceptable

NEXT : Healthy Process – “Actions” (Part 2)

REPLACING the Negative INTROJECT

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against the NI 

I HAVE THE POWER, ALREADY –
to defend my WIC from the NI / PP!

PREVIOUS :  Introject (Part 3)

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.


To HEAL & GROW – the TWO major goals are :
1.  Develop a strong, clear voice of our own, that we can follow – to be comfortable & even successful, in all parts of our life
2.  Form a POSITIVE INTROJECT, developed from healthy external sources. The idea is to ‘take in’ a new way of seeing ourself that’s emotionally self-sustaining, rather than endlessly dependent on others to feel OK.

Ways to disconnect from the Negative Introject (PigP) by developing our own identity (S & I) with help:
• actively practice disobeying the Toxic RULES
• believe in our Right to have needs, opinions & dreams
• clearly identify what the PigP is telling us & then counter it
• continually work at diminishing S-H by admitting original pain
AND
listen careful• develop strong boundaries with others, rather than walls, especially with anyone who treats us like our family
• get external acknowledgement & then continue internal validation of what we went thru as kids & still put up in the present, so that the PigP can’t fool us any more
• gradually separate the WIC’s dependence on the PigP & transfer it’s loyalty to our developing UNIT by always being the Good Parent
AND
• have the courage to say NO to unhealthy & unsuitable people
• learn what our own healthy, intuitive, inborn voice is saying, & then listen to -and- act on that instead
• thoroughly ‘get’ that the PigP abusive & therefore harmful
• use that validation to be in touch with our pain, rage & sorrow at the original abuse, so we’re not wasting energy in denial

Distancing from the PigP
• We can tell it move aside, leave our Inner Child alone, shut up in there!…. OR
• We can try to sooth the bad voice by validating it’s pain / fear… and telling it we understand its pain, that it will not be harmed by anything positive we’re doing for ourselves, BUT never agreeing inner childwith it
OR
• don’t respond at all – ignore it.  Talk to the WIC instead, soothing & comforting it. The better your connection with the kid, the less power the PigP will have.
The PigP will try to fight for its life, but with consistent self care, eventually it’ll get quieter & fade, even if it’s still in the far background
BEFORE
✓ IF WE – tried to protect one parent from the other, because the victim one was too weak to stand up for themself; OR if one parents left, or died
❇ Then we became the replacement punching bag, or spouse-substitute, or tried protecting them by magical thinking….

✓ IF WE – took on a depressed parent’s suicidal feelings (even if they never acted on them directly)
❇ Then we became suicidal, from love and a child’s magical belief that we could then keep them alive…

In RECOVERY – we can gradually shed as much family damage as we’re able. Once we identify what’s our damage & what’s theirs, we can say daily affirmations, do visualizations t& disagree with the bad voice. inner workings

✓ IF we’re still attached to an old family role & reproduce it in current relationships
❇ NOW we can give our parents back to each other. It was THEIR relationship, their marriage, their loss… SAY: “Dad / Mom, You’re not my mate. I give you back to him/her to deal with. I have my own life to live & it was never my job.”

✓ IF we’re still attracted to physically, mentally, emotionally & spiritually dangerous people or situations unsuitable to growth
❇ NOW we can give them back the responsibility for their own life, so we don’t have to act on their wish to escape. We don’t have to kill ourselves. PACK UP what’s theirs. Then mentally go up to each person & return it – lay the box or bag at their feet AND walk away!

Develop a POSITIVE INTROJECT
It’s appropriate to ABSORB all kinds of positive feedback from outside sources – accurate, intelligent, patient, positive, realistic, supportive, validating, & spiritual.
Healthy mirroring & guidance can be FROM :
• a loving family member, if there is one
• any appropriate 12-step Program, rehab, workshops…
• a knowledgeable psychotherapist, & perhaps a group therapy
free inner child• helpful books & literature (psychological & spiritual)
FROM :
• our Higher Power, spiritual or religious teachers/ leaders, if suitable
• successful well-known people, as role models & inspiration
• craneo-sacral & other knowledgeable body workers, nutritionist…
• good friends, a supportive mate, caring adult-children AND pets
• business partners, clients, acquaintances – anyone who values your abilities ….

Remember to calm your WIC when it gets overwhelmed by how much there is to sort out in Recovery. Like with any new skill – it takes knowledge, guidance, time & practice.

NEXT: Notice re. book version of blog

Negative INTROJECT (Part 3)

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bad voice 2
SHUT UP IN THERE!
I don’t know how to get rid of you

PREVIOUS: Introject (Part 1)

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

💠PURPOSE of the PigP (Part 2)

💠EGO STATES
A Healthy Self would include the Natural Child as our essence, & a relatively un-wounded Adapted Child, composed of the positive values, mores & beliefs of its specific society. Eventually well-adjusted people also form a Healthy Adult & Loving Patent ‘UNIT’ learned from a family with competence, generosity, humor, self-esteem, social ease & love.

However, OUR:
a. ADULT may or may not be functional – some of us put all our energy into being ‘competent’ while others barely get by, waiting for someone else to be the Good Parent for us.
b. Introject (PigP  / ‘IT’) holds all of the dysfunctional family’s accumulated minuses, along with some plusses, & secretly runs our lifeCHILD e.s.

c. Adapted Child holds all of our damage, from trying to Do or Be whatever we thought would finally get our parents’ approval & acceptance – but never did
EXP: If you liked & were good at sports AND they (only) approved of you for that, you’d put all your energy into being the best at sports – not just to express yourself, but to wring a drop of acceptance from them. Anything else, like needs & emotions, were sacrificed

d. Natural Child is mostly hidden, yet peeps out in spite of the PP
EXP: being good in school, winning awards, love of music, reading, sports, being quiet vs, being boisterous…. AND even our choice of addictions reflect our natural personality. Why do some people choose sex over a food addiction, pot over alcohol, addictive relationships rather than chemicals….?

What ALL ACoAs are MISSING:
e. The Loving Parent, because we didn’t have any role models for that, OR if we did have one person in our childhood that treated us better than others, it couldn’t make up for the avalanche of bad parenting from everyone else

💠PRISONERS of the Negative Introject (PigP)
Until we do FoO work (family of origin), too much of our persona is the result of the harmful way our family trained us. Unfortunately, this False Self is what we consider our identity. We say “I’m just born that way , It’s my personality…” when talking about our character defects. We don’t see that they’re expressions of S-H, since we aren’t allowed to acknowledge our inherent gifts & talents

• Without S & I, (separation PP's prisoner& individuation) we’re ‘one’ with the bad voice – constantly placating & obeying it, without knowing that’s what we’re doing. After all, “Does a fish know it’s wet?”

As kids we were afraid of them – of displeasing them, of their temper & craziness, & of being punished, which was usually unfairly & over the top
• And we’re still afraid of them, if they’re alive, OR if they’re only in the form of our Introject. Even if they’re gone – it doesn’t diminish the power of their imprinting.

IRONY
As adults, in spite of our rage & frustration at their unavailability & abusiveness, we’re afraid to let go of the PP. Although the voice is always torturing us, the WIC is so used to the connection it doesn’t know any other way to ‘get taken care of’. This holds true until we take on the responsibility of parenting ourself.

This desperate attachment is based on:
perfectionist• our longing for them, & not wanting to give up the illusion that someday they’ll come thru for us
• not having a solid identity of our own. As long as our S-H has us in its grip, we continue to believe no one else will want us, so better stay “with the devil we know”

If we believe we can’t leave the PigP or get rid of it, we spend a lot of our energy trying to silence it with addictions (food, money, sex, chemicals….), while at the same time making inhuman efforts to get it to stop hurting us, to see reason, to understand… rather than getting away by disobeying its Toxic Rules!

NEXT: Negative Introject (Part 4)

Negative INTROJECT (Part 2)

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those voices
YOU’RE DRIVING ME CRAZY!
Is it the Pig Parent or the damaged kid?

PREVIOUS: Negative Introject  (Part 1)

Pig Parent (PigP) comes from”Games People Play”

💠WHY is it so IMPORTANT to identify the PigP?  (Part 1)

💠HOW CAN WE TELL when the ‘PigP’ Introject is talking?
a. Using the ‘YOU’ form – when talking to ourselves in a negative, harsh way.
“You should have know better, You know everyone thinks you’re stupid, You could have done more” ….

In this form, our original caretakers can keep us terrified, dependent, dis-empowered – so they won’t lose their grip & fade away. The they wouldn’t get their needs met (thru us), not wanting to do that for themselves. That’s what they need us for!

denialOR we may only hear:
b. The ‘I’ form – the Wounded Inner Child (WIC) expressing its S-H in response to & fully believing the PP, who’s off stage – but definitely not absent – spewing it’s poison from the wings.
We can only hear it indirectly, as puppet master, when we self-talk in the same judgmental, impatient way they talked to us.
Only now it’s in the first person, the WIC mimicking : “I’m such a looser , I never do anything right , I don’t know how to do things , No one could ever love me”…..

‘b’ is much sneakier 
THEM: By being way in the background it can’t be held accountable – staying off the hot seat, harder to catch as the source of the abuse, which it’ll never admit to anyway, even when we try to confront it!

US: We collude (unconsciously) with it to keep it hidden from ourselves, because we can’t bear to admit how dangerous our ‘loved ones’ were. But now that they’re ‘inside’, we don’t know how to get rid of them.

💠 UNHEALTHY tries at shutting up the PigP :
• heavy drinking & drug use, & all other addictions (sex, food, spending, exercise, internet….)
• overworking, endless schooling, career we hate….
• suicide attempts or suicidal behavior (dangerous people & activities)

BTW – Some ACoAs refer to our PigP by a name & image that suits its character & our imagination: THE ‘Bat’ we hit ourselves with / ‘Bats’ – parent’s who only call at night when they’re drunk /  Vampire / Gorn – from Star Trek / Monster /  Mom or Dad / the Shadow….  What’s yours?

💠PURPOSE of the PigP
a. The WIC hangs on to it with a fanatic devotion because it’s the only version of a ‘parent’ it’s ever known. It’s afraid to let go because  – as one ACoA screamed in therapy “What will I do without them?”
Slowly replacing it using the UNIT to consistently, lovingly parent ourself, the WIC will let go, but not quickly or easily!

b. The PigP uses it’s convoluted, sadistic power to pour gas on the flame of life’s stresses TO:
• validate its beliefs (T) & actions (A), so it never has to face change
• mask its own FoA by keeping us symbiotically attached.
⚠️If we stay convinced their abuse was our fault, we’ll never expel it

💠POWER of the PigPintrojecting
a. Technically – it’s wired into our brain from birth into deep pathways, by repetition & emotional bonds (the limbic system & frontal cortex).  Each groove forms the easiest way electrical energy travels (strongest chemical trace), so it becomes our default setting

AA-ers say “Alcoholics dig their own ruts, then decorate them – making them so comfortable they never want to move out!”

b. Psychologically – From the WIC
• all children are completely loyal to their parents & their zeitgeist, but ACoAs can’t afford to admit how toxic they were. We love & need them, even when we hate them. So we keep protecting them – at our own peril!

• Those original adults taught us to be afraid of the world AND that we are unlovable. Our connection to them is painful, but the world feels even worse, so we won’t ‘leave home’. Convinced no one else will want uego statess &/or they’ll trample us, we stay attached to the PigP rather than risk the ‘horror’ of the unknown. (Acceptance, #1)

From the PigP – Internalized voices have a life of their own (ego states), made up of our family’s:
• dis-owned emotions (S-H, fear, rage, shame, guilt, loneliness, hopelessness…..) AND
• destructive thoughts, rigid beliefs, irrational opinions (‘stinking thinking’), & occasionally something useful, positive, interesting…..

NEXT: Negative Introject (Part 3)

Mind-Reading vs. INTUITION (Part 2b)

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  intuition 2THE MORE I LISTEN TO MY GUT
the better I get along in the world!

PREVIOUS: INTUITION – 2a

SITE : “4 Levels of Intuition” 


2. INTUITION (cont.)
a. MBTI // b. Small Children
c.  Paying Attention
• As ACoAs we were taught to deny or make fun of our natural instincts, so when our gut tells us to do OR not do something, via an intuitive flash, we usually ignore it – to our detriment! Maybe we experience anxiety or a tightening in the stomach & wonder if we should or shouldn’t act on those ‘feelings’, then promptly forget. Remember the ‘ick factor’?

•  Not following our intuition throws us out of alignment with our higher sense of knowing – physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually (PMES). We usually end up compromising ourselves, & are sorry afterwards for getting ourselves into some mess, even though we knew better!  PAY ATTENTION!

d. ‘Otherworldly’
• Intuition can also be an aspect of ‘spirituality’, either in conventional or esoteric forms. Some call it their ‘still small voice’ (not the WIC or PP!).
It’s used in everyday life to solve problems, & receive divine guidance, love, healing, wisdom & inspiration. (TREE, July 2011)

• Very sensitive people have an ability to pick up vibrations (electrical energy) emanating from all living things, including colors & auras. (Science: Human auras // Emotional energy images)
Such people need training, not only to use the ability correctly, but especially to learn shielding, so they’re not constantly flooded by external input

• Intuitive info can also hit us when we’re needed to help a loved one under stress or in danger
• It may be inner wisdom showing a way to solve a problem or heal old emotional damage that surfaces, so it can be processed

❇ If you’re curious about your own sensitivity level, you can take the Empath Quiz.  If you already know you are highly intuitive, you may want to participate in the Empath Community.

Sources that FEED Intuition
• Carefully observing patters of human behavior over the years, for a general sense of what to expect from people
• Paying attention to what people tell us about themselves, especially the negative! so we’re not shocked the next time their damage shows up – in our face!

• Having repeated life experiences with a specific category of people or situations, where the outcome has been consistently the same (with narcissists, active addicts, depressives, ragers … OR if we’re wise, with sane & well-balanced people).  Their style is predictable, whether healthy or unhealthy, so we can trust our intuition about them

• Knowing someone well (friends, lovers, parents…) & observing their recurring patterns. When we ignore this we get involved with their dysfunctional schemes, plans, drama…. and suffer for it!

• Listening carefully to language & logic patterns, we can recognize where a thought or conversation will wind up & we can be prepared – like when we say: “don’t go there!” because we know it won’t end well

REVIEW – Intuition can come from:
• years of life experience
• wide variety of reading
• emotional sensitivity
• an observant mind
• trusting that “I know what I know” – based on:
✓ a clear identity of ones own
✓ clear, strong links to the IC & our H.P.
✓ no longer obeying the Negative Introject
✓ strong Boundaries, so we don’t confuse ourselves with any another person, while still being part of the human community

AFFIRMATIONS : “I DO…… 
• BELIEVE that I’m a natural winner, with the power to make MY dreams come true, & the capacity to achieve great things
• FEEL hopeful, inspired, confident in myself
• HAVE unconditional self-love, respect for self & others, good health & lots of energy
“I DO….
• KNOW & listen to my inner voice, walk through life with dignity & grace, easily manifesting my joy
• TRUST my intuition, learn life’s lessons with ease, edit self-limiting beliefs
• VALUE love, learn to rise above limitations, focus on the possible

NEXT: INTUITION #2c

Mind-Reading vs. INTUITION (Part 2a)

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intuition 1


I JUST KNOW IT –
but I don’t have any proof

PREVIOUS: MIND-READING – 1b

Review Mind-reading, 

1. MIND-READING

2. INTUITION
DEF: INTUITION =  It’s like overhearing a conversation in a language we’re not fluent in but can still get the gist of what’s said. It’s the ability to maneuver within our beliefs & knowledge, giving us a relative awareness of where we are on the map of life
PS: Inspiration is seeing the whole path we need to travel on the map

Intuition is complex – mostly it’s being tuned-in to the world around us – & beyond – picking up info without any obvious source
🔺For some it’s a gut feeling
🔺For others it’s the universe giving them a gentle nudge
🔺For still others it’s the answer to a prayer or a whisper from God

Intuition is an innate survival tool, a compass & a tether connecting us to our environment. It doesn’t have to be supernatural – it is most often a subliminal accumulation of what others are saying, feeling or doing (their T.E.As) & storing it for future reference (see pt. d)

SO – Intuition is in us & comes from us, but is about everything outside of us – the opposite of Mind Reading.
✶ When cultivated, it bypasses or counters certain of our ACoA damage!

a. In the Myers-Briggs Personality Inventory (MBTI), the second of 4 levels is “Sensate vs Intuitive”, which has to do with one’s style of gathering information about the world.
From MBTI Posts :
🟢 S = ‘I need to work thru a problem to see a result’. Fun: This was great for the price. Communication: Specifics
• At one extreme are the Sensates (S) who need proof of everything, literal & practical. They prefer hands-on, here-&-now tangible experiences, only believing what they can see & touch. They are about 70% of the US population & are considered ‘hard-nosed’ by their opposites

🔴 iN = ‘I see results/solutions to problems at the beginning’. Fun: This just gave me a great new idea! Communication: Big picture
• At the other end are the Intuitives (iN) who ‘just know’. They look for meaning, possibilities & relationships among things (the gestalt). They like to put things in a theoretical framework, seeing things holistically. They comprise about 30% & are considered ‘flakes’ by the S. (See all 4 levels)

NOTE: Whichever side a person prefers is important because MBTI’s 3rd level : “Thinking vs Feeling” then bases decisions on it.

✶ Most people don’t live at the extreme ends of this level (S vs N). But when 2 people in any kind of relationship DO, it is one of the most difficult discrepancies of the 4 levels to overcome.
They never really ‘get’ each other.  This is often a problem between many men (Ss) & women (iNs). But it’s especially hard when an extreme S mother has a very iN child – she’ll likely negate the child’s way of understanding its environment, making the child doubt its perceptions, even its sanity –  especially if the mother is also a narcissist.

b. As Children
• From birth, kids have a capacity for seeing & sensing things that many adults are unaware of. This is an important instinct for them, since they’re so vulnerable & don’t yet have language.  Infants mirror what we present to them, especially our emotions.

EXP: When a mother takes a slow, deep breath each time she feels tension, either in herself or from the infant, it teaches the baby to do the same. She’s creating & reinforcing the state of anxiety – without ever saying a word!
• Equally so, children who comfortably spend time contemplating & exploring their thoughts & feelings without interference, will develop self-awareness & the intuitive abilities that come from this inner knowledge

•  The absorption capacity of intuition, so highly developed in kids, allows us to assimilate our parents’ inner feelings as much as their overt messages. The combination becomes the Introject – which is only negative if our parents were mentally &/or emotionally unhealthy

Exp:  A friend remembers one evening when she was 6 or 7, sitting with her dad in the living room while he was reading the paper. For no apparent reason she asked him who Lydia was.  He looked at her puzzled but didn’t answer. Many years later she found out that he was having an affair with a Lydia back then, but at that time no one in the family knew about it.  What had she been ‘picking up’ on? – A smell? his guilt? his residual pleasure?

NEXT: INTUITION – 2b

MIND-READING vs Intuition (Part 1b)

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illusion
YOU DON’T KNOW ME!
I know I’m right

PREVIOUS: Mind-Reading  (Part 1a)

 

1. MIND-READING (M-R)
a . Meanings (cont)

CONTINUING this kind of M-R keeps us:
• Internally – attached to our dangerous family // anxious & needing to isolate
• Externally – suspicious of everyone’s motives // missing out on all the good people & opportunities that present themselves

Reality: Instead of making up someone with our mind-reading ‘talent’= our fantasy, we need to stay awake for who is healthy & who isn’t.
Once we clearly see an un-recovered person’s toxic pattern – from having many painful encounters with them –  it’s time to stop giving them the ‘benefit of the doubt’!

EXP of NOT mind-reading:
I taught my 12-week ACoA course “Knowledge is Power” over 10 years. Reaction from students varied widely in every class.   Some listened intently, taking notes & asking questions.  Others seem disinterested – they fidgeted, yawned, fell asleep, got mad, or stopped coming.

Regarding the latter group – IF I had been prone to mind-reading, I would have assumed the ‘disinterested’ people indicated the ‘truth’ – that I was a boring speaker, gave complicated or worthless info & generally wasted their time – the LIEs thatScreen Shot 2015-08-30 at 11.33.21 PM the bad voice whispers!

➼ However, I know I’m a good teacher, that my material is important & useful, & have been told by many students that the course greatly improved their lives.

I also know that some people were very tired (especially being an evening class), some had ADD & so usually have trouble sitting still for 2-3 hours, but most of all –  the class material brought up a lot of difficult awarenesses & intense pain, so that some people just wanted to opt out.
Actually – their seeming lack of interest was ALSO a validation of my work! So there – PP! See – Little One??

b. A Variation
Another way mind-reading can show up is projecting our wishes, needs & tastes onto others.  It’s not a strict interpretation of the definition, but is the same aspect of the child’s narcissism – ‘I am you & you are me.’  It’s still based on OUR personality, not on who the other person is.

INSTEAD OF nurturing us, our family:
• over-controlled us               •  expected us to be little adults
• demanded we be perfect and without needs – so they wouldn’t have to deal with us
• didn’t guide us, so we had to fend of ourselves, without much training!
worried childThis background formed another version of the familiar ACoA Dilemma :
✓ As kids – we had to take care of ourself – not always in material ways, but definitely emotional & often mental, which gave us the message we weren’t worthy of being taken care of – SO
✓ As Adults – we believe we should not / cannot care for ourselves, copying their lack of care, which became lack of permission to focus on ourself

i. Their CONTROL – WIC projects that everyone is like our parents, who were totally wrapped up in their own worries & addictions. They expected us to figure out what they needed & then provide it. This was either said or implied, but we got the message.
☁︎ So we assume everyone else also wants / needs us to do that

• And we were punished for not getting it right!  Either directly, by them berating or hitting us, or just by continuing to be drunk, crazy, mean, depressed….
This left us with a deep well of anxiety – fearful that we’ll always “get it wrong” but not knowing what to do or how to be to please them

ii. Our CONTROL – now we’re the ones being controlling – trying to make everyone & everything around us SAFE so we can feel less terrified, by making sure they have all their needs met – by us. The assumption is that everyone is as weak, needy, incompetent, scared, sick…… as our parents were

The WIC is convinced that when we fix whoever we’re with, they will :  protect us, never leave us,  take care of us, love us …. if only we work hard enough to get it right. Unfortunately, as long as we let our Adapted Child pick relationships, they’re going to be unhealthy, just like our family!

NEXT: Mind-reading #1c

Another AWARD

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Thanks to The MANHATTAN AWARD PROGRAM

Screen Shot 2014-02-18 at 3.25.42 PM

HEALTHY RISK

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healthy risk
RISK IS NOT A DIRTY WORD!
as long as I’m realistic

PREVIOUS: Risk Addicted #2


COMMENTS
Risk of any kind usually entails some type of action (T.E.A). When average-functioning people are deciding what to do – ahead of time or if they only have a few seconds to consider – they use a reasonable thought process.
Thinking RISK thru :
• consider your aspirations – hopes, dreams AND level of wishing welldesire
• the short or long-term goal
• do you have the skill or knowledge to at least try
• know your expectations (to succeed or fail)
• weigh pros & cons of the situation
• consider possible consequences, both for yourself, & what’s socially acceptable
• “how important is it”! (whether to push or not)

😲 However, many ACoAs’ thinking about Risk – is either faulty or missing. Anxiety pushes some to act impulsively (R-addicted), & terror holds others back from even trying (R-averse).
❖ Which type you are now – & how you reacted to constant chaos & abuse as a kid – is based on your native personality

• ACoAs are trained to be perfectionist – only Actions counted in the family – but we could never be good enough, since nothing satisfied them.
EXP: Even raising my hand in class felt like too much of a risk. What if I don’t know the answer? What if I’m made fun of?

We’re bound tofall down fall down or become paralyzed from setting the bar for every accomplishment so high we can’t possible reach it (such as trying to make everyone like us!),
Sadly, to the outside world it can look like we don’t set the bar high enough, labeled lazy, stupid or crazy. We are NOT. It’s our terror (E) & CDs that stop us, or cause mistakes & procrastination.

SCIENCE: re. taking actions, we can generally be divided into
— ‘sitters’, who observe & then act, or
— ‘rovers’ – who act more randomly.
In our culture it’s “Just do it” (Action) vs. “Look before you leap” (Thinking).
We’re born more as one than the other, but when mixed with damage it gives us the -averse or -addict style. Each Personality Type has it’s advantages & disadvantages, & neither should look down their noses at the other!  (MORE… w/ examples)

HEALTHY RISK
Appropriate risk-taking, like all other aspects of mental health – is rooted in balance & goals. What are you specifically trying to achieve in each situation?
Finding a balance between —> considering all possible outcomes (T) vs. —-> just taking a leap of faith (A) requires knowing ourself well, & also how the real world works.planning
a. IT IS
• moving forward in any aspect of your life. Do something!
• NOT about perfectionism (a form of S-H)
• usually not something physically dangerous, AND not as emotionally dangerous as your WIC or PP think it’ll be
b. ARE
• evaluated for realistic advantages & disadvantages
• mostly small ones (sending a text, talking to a stranger at an ‘event’, asking for help)
• occasionally bigger ones (moving to a different state, changing careers, getting a divorce…)

c. EVALUATE
• which negative extreme is your False Self ‘norm‘? What would it be like to swing to the opposite unhealthy side, & what would be middle ground ?
• decide what changes you can handle & what’s currently too much – based on self-knowledge about your emotional capacity

get help• who can help you over a hump (of fear) : ask a safe friend to sit with you, go with you, let you be at their place… while you try a new, scary action
• think through the consequences (outcome) of your actions, not using self-hate, co-dependence or fear of abandonment (FoA) as a guide
• consider what the result might be of not taking any action – to you or others
• try out something small & see what happens. It may turn our OK or great. If it doesn’t, figure out what the problem is & try something else.

GROWTH : One of the benefits and joys of healthy risk-taking is finding out that positive outcomes are possible, when guided by our ‘UNIT‘ rather than by the WIC or PP.
Use Book-Ending with your Inner Child to find out what’s possible & what’s not.
MOST IMP: No matter the outcome – catch & stop any form of S-H.
ONLY : Acceptance, Acceptance, Acceptance

NEXT:  MIND-READING vs Intuition – #1

ACoAs: RISK-AVERSE (Part 2)

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attacks
ATTACKS COME FROM EVERYWHERE!
I have to protect myself at all costs

PREVIOUS: RISK  – Intro

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

T.E.A for ACoAs (cont)
EXP : re. Portfolio management
RISK Aversion – a preference for safety & certainty over uncertainty, & the potential for loss or pain
vs. LOSS Aversion : a complex need for both risk aversion & risk seeking behavior. It’s not just the desire to reduce risk but an utter contempt for any amount of loss. These people feel the sting of loss twice as much as the joy from an equal size gain – & make financial investment decisions accordingly

Neuro-economic studies have found that when people are facing a loss, the amygdala – our brain’s fear center – begins to fire. It is the same area that reacts to being in mortal danger. No wonder many investors are influenced by loss-aversion.

So too, some ACoAs are :
a. MORE risk-averse – hardly ever taking risks of any kind, living mainly as victims, who stay in menial or unfulfilling jobs most of their work life, stay closer to home, don’t try new things, don’t reach out… And SOME are:
b. LESS averse : more adventuresome in ‘action’ ways, but afraid to risk in other important areas, most often not experiencing their emotions, & avoiding relationship intimacy

😩We learned to ignore potential options, because WE WERE:
• told anything we did was wrong, stupid or not good enough
• constantly interrupted by someone else’s needs or crises, so we couldn’t stay focused on what we needed to do for ourselves avoid risk

• punished equally for big or small infractions of ‘rules’, many of which made no sense or were unspoken! This made us put off or avoid taking normal activities, much less branching out to try things that are deeply important to us, or something more unusual to expand our world

IN the PRESENT – our reaction to childhood trauma is to avoid as much confrontation & newness as possible (co-dependence / risk-aversion).
We’re convinced that all forms of ‘taking a chance’ are bad & will guarantee a bad outcome.
We’ve been trained to assume that that’s the way life is, forever – at least for us! This is so ingrained that we don’t even know that’s what we believe. But we live it every day.
Because WE :
• copy a parent’s life-long fear of risk
• obey our specific toxic rules
• rebel against family demands for success
• can’t take center stage in our own life
• don’t want to lose proof of their abuse
• not allowed to be visible, or out-shine them

also FEAR – of:
• abandonment, reprisals, punishment
• authority, not being perfect, not picking right
• being a ‘laughing stock’
• being shown as incompetent (not knowing)
• dealing with competition
• having to deal with others’ jealousy
• not getting our deepest desires, no matter how hard we try
AND / OR have to: 
• face our childhood damage AND CHANGE!
• S & I (outgrow & out do unsuccessful family)
• leave someone unsafe or incompatible (parent, friends, mate, children, job, addictions, locations….) if they prevent our growth
• deal with the discomfort of getting good things now, & being successful, which the WIC says it doesn’t know how to be
• then take riskier steps after that… maybe even scarier (like: write something, then publish, then promote, then…)

RECOVERY
In terms of positive T.E.A., while risk is primarily about Actions, there are many which fit into Emotion & Thinking, in spite of the WIC’s fear of personal growth.
WE CAN: leave home
T. – disagree with & disobey the Negative Introject, outgrowing the addiction & attachment to our family (giving up denial)

E. – tolerate the painful emotions what surface in the process of letting go, both from re-experiencing pent-up old pain, as well as facing being hurt by current family judgment & abuse for ‘leaving them’ ie. upsetting the family mobile by changing the dysfunctional dynamics.

A. …. & risk healthy actions : clearly objecting to abuse, disobeying Toxic Rules by doing positive things for our life, & sometimes having to distance ourselves from actual family members & dealing with the possible fallout.

NEXT:  Risk Addicted