Problem-Solving

ACoAs: BOOKENDING with the WIC (#1)

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I NEED TO STAY AWAKE
for how my beliefs hamper me

PREVIOUS: Why resist – #7

FoO – Family of Origin


BOOKENDING with the Inner Child
This is a MENTAL tool borrowed from the practical D.A. version (Debtor’s Anonymous), used to Cognitively Restructure our thinking (T) – to free ourselves of suffering & confusion! Once we learn the technique & get used to it, we’ll find it comes in handy not only for ourselves, but helps us hear when others are using CDs on us!

The NEED for Bookending: to correct CDs
Communicating with our precious Inner Child is something we need to be doing 24/7 – at least while we’re awake! 🙂 This included both our Wounded Child & the Healthy Child ego states. However, book-ending is a specific tool to deal with the distorted beliefs we grew up with.

For many ACoAs, no matter how smart, talented & even accomplished, our WIC is still living in the past, mentally & emotionally – still using our childhood experiences (based on the PP voice) as a model for how things functions & what we to expect.
This is in spite of the many other experiences & information we’ve gathered throughout our life that give us different viewpoints, and disagree with our family’s messages

✶ It’s truly amazing how good we are at ignoring or negating all the positive people & situations we’ve come across, which could be incorporated into & greatly enhance our world view – if only we would!

PRE-FoO Recovery: Growing up constantly disappointed, not allowed to have our thoughts & emotions, never comforted, and ignored, made fun of, put in double binds, tortured, scapegoated, neglected, controlled ….

…. we became thoroughly convinced these things will continue – they’ll always happen with everyone else, in every situation – for the rest of our lives, no matter how hard we try to change our ‘fate’.  Toxic Rule : “Life is suffering”

✶ Naturally, if we spend most of our time in relationships, locations & jobs that are UNhealthy, then we will indeed keep re-traumatizing ourselves. Compulsively following our earliest training always leaves us frustrated & hopeless.
So – It’s important to know that we can change these patterns!

GOAL of Bookending
The fundamental purpose is to bring the WIC into the present (sometimes kicking & screaming) via the ÚNIT”. That way we’ll consistently be able to see the world correctly – that there are other kinds of people & options which are not like our family!

• To do that we have to be aware of our negative & distorted beliefs, and then work on correcting them. It’s the only way we can truly be safe! Book-ending is a valuable tool in changing our Cognitive Distortions (CDs)

This is a tool to prove to the WIC that the way things were in our family is not how it is everywhere else in the world. Some place Yes, but Not everywhere! We need to create new pathways in the brain to counter the old deep grooves, & the main way to do that is repetition. You know: “How do you get to Carnegie Hall? Practice, Practice, Practice!

TRYING to PROTECT ourselves
a. RULES & ROLES – Because our childhood was chaotic & frightening, as children we tried to find any possible way to protect ourselves. This included incorporating a series of Toxic Rules to live by & fitting ourselves into the Toxic Roles forced on us

In dealing with our parents, we tried to :
• figure out what they wanted from us & then twist ourselves into that
• help them, cajole, protect, educate, rescue…to fix them
• identify what we did wrong & try to be as good as possible
• hide anything about ourselves that would upset the family ‘mobile’

NEXT: Bookending, Part 2

ACCEPTANCE & ACoAs (Part 2)

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accept-serene 

ACCEPTANCE ISN’T SO BAD
once I understand it

PREVIOUS:
Acceptance & ACoAs (# 1)

 

1. The PROBLEM (cont)
🔹 Negative MEANING (cont)
We (self-destructively) ACCEPT that we deserve / or must endure:
• being controlled, verbal abuse, disrespect,
• being treated like a dumb kid (we were never dumb, even as kids!)
• being over-looked, unappreciated, ignored
• having to let others use, manipulate & torture us
• having to deny / destroy ourselves in order for others to be OK
AND TO
• not be able to have a positive impact on our world (be effectual)
Hansel & Grethel• never finding love & validation, since our parents didn’t (narcissists attach, but don’t actually love others)
• only staying with unavailable, distant, cruel & selfish people (note the parents in Hansel & Grethel).
• staying small & ‘weak’, not knowing how to take care of ourselves

Our Toxic Rules are so deeply ingrained that even when we start having useful, valid new information about ourself & the people in our life (A1), we still skip over A2, automatically going to A3.
Whenever we have any new Awareness, ACoAs immediately ask: “What can I / should I DO about it?” (Action is not Acceptance) . This Chart shows why :
NEG 3 As
We compulsively SKIP the middle ‘A’ because:
• it’ll make us safer, considering the harmful CD we think it means
• our whole culture focuses on Action (just DO it!)
• our culture does not value process, ONLY immediate gratification
AND
• we’ve been waiting so long for something better to come along, we don’t want it to take time. The WIC is convinced that if we’re told to wait, it means it’ll never happen / never get our needs met
• our dysfunctional family made their approval conditional (if at all) – based on our actions that suited them. If you act bad, you’re bad, if you act good, we ‘love’ you – sort of.  YUCK. Healthy love is unconditional!

We think we have no choice, trapped in a double bind:
• on the one hand – we hate the rules we grew up with
• on the other hand – we’re terrified to disobey them, ever.
So, since OUR version of acceptance is so painful & debilitating, we keep trying to ignore it altogether, as if we could control the truth away!

♦️                                   ♦️                                ♦️
2. HEALTHY ACCEPTANCE
ALL Acceptance is simply acknowledging the TRUTH about things, without any makeup or mask. It’s ONLY about what actually is or was! It’s about reality, not what we wish things were like, what we think they should be, what others say things are, or even what could potentially be.

Acceptance is only about WHAT IS, such as:
• being damaged in childhood, whether from an alcoholic family or not
• that it caused us great harm
• that we are NOT the source of that damage
• that we’re responsible for working toward healing that damage, no matter how unfair
• that people aren’t always what we want them to be
• that we don’t have the power nor the right to try changing others
• seeing who people ACTUALLY are, not ignoring the parts that hurt us….

ACCEPTING good things requires that we slowly:
• leave behind all our ratty, smelly baggage & garbage in the old internal universe, carrying that broken down spooky old mess we grew up in, dropping the rags of our False Self , a piece at a time
• patiently move our God-given True Self into a beautiful new Inner Universe, with a castle that we have the full deed to, which has level floors, clearly defined halls, stairs & comfortable rooms, with cozy furnishings just to our taste!

NEXT: Healthy A2 – Cont. (#3)

ACCEPTANCE & ACoAs (Part 1)

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'acceptance' stampACCEPTANCE – BAH!
I don’t like it, so I’ll ignore it

PREVIOUS: Healthy Give & Take

QUOTE: “Most men would rather deny a hard truth than face it.”
― G.R.R. Martin, Game of Thrones

😁 Calvin: “Now what state do you live in?”
Hobbes: Denial.” ― Bill Watterson 

1. The ‘PROBLEM’
ACCEPTANCE is the middle ‘A’ of Al-Anon’s 3 As (2. Awareness — 3. Action).  Correctly understanding & using this concept will make our life much clearer & saner.
For ACoAs this pesky A2 is the most misunderstood & the one many ACoAs HATE!  We don’t even want to acknowledge it’s something we need to deal with, because of thinking that “I can’t accept anything I don’t like or is too painful”, which is a CD – cognitive distortion

DEF : A2 does NOT mean –
• liking or not liking something! – a MAJOR misconception
• staying a victim, accepting our lot in life, being resigned
• giving up, not trying, not looking for a way up & out
• putting up with ‘crap’ from people, including our Introject’s bad voice
• sitting around waiting for things to happen or for someone to rescue us

Parts 2 & 3 will explain what it IS. Sadly, as in other areas of life, ACoAs will turn almost anything against themself, even good things. But first let’s see how we do use the 3 As, in the service of our dis-ease, a shorthand for all of our toxic thinking.
Negative MEANING of the 3 As
To put Acceptance in context, the unside downalcoholic / narcissistic family message given children is —
“You are Bad, We are Good, the World is Bad”.
And the WIC understands this triple threat to mean:
Neg. A-1 = “I’m so bad, no one will ever love me”, &
Neg. A-2 = “I try to ignore it, but believe it absolutely”
Neg. A-3 = so – “I must be perfect, (or dead!), to make up for it” 

These 3 became the foundation of our world view – being stuck with this awful protocol without any possibility of escape. Negatives EXPANDED :
A1 = Awareness re. US – the deep-seated belief of the WIC that we’re unworthy, not entitled, beyond redemption! (S-H)

A2 = Acceptance re. THEM – that our family was right about everything, which we absorbed from their overt / covert brain-washing. Guess whose opinions we still hold on to!? We believed them because :
• all humans are intensely loyal to their upbringing – it’s our most basic connection to others
• it’s the way our brain got programmed – every experience created the neural pathways which formed our understanding of life (“How we Learn“)
• AND ‘they’ constantly made it clear that we were un-acceptable. Some parents even used God, spirituality & religion to convince us of their beliefs!

As a result we were trained to accepted all sorts of terrible things as normal & inevitable for the rest of our life, in obedience to our family & community’s lessons

dangerous worldA3 = Action re. the WORLD – everything & everyone who’s not part of our distorted & insulated family mobile is considered dangerous, unhelpful, unwelcoming, indifferent…. since our family (& community) forced on us their narrow, alcoholic, bigoted view of the world. Our actions reflects this.

Unhealed ACoAs deal with the ‘A3‘ BY:
• Defiance of all authority & systems, which have become substitutes for our parents.
We can hate outside forces instead of admitting our rage at the family.
AND since the world is SO-O-O dangerous – we’re NOT going to give in or let them get us! OR —
• Compliance – we have to give in, keep our head down, hide in the shadows, so no one will get us!

NEXT: Acceptance & ACoAs (#2)

ACoAs – Healthy GIVE & TAKE (Part 2)

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reciprocity
THE MORE I KNOW ABOUT MYSELF
the more I can enjoy what I’m offered

PREVIOUS: Give & Take (#1)

 

WHAT TO TAKE from others – or NOT

👎🏽 Saying ‘NO’ requires that we know enough about ourselves & our rights – to make the best choices.
In some cases it also depends on who’s offering & why. If the giver is a relative, a boss or important client, taking the gift may be the kindest, or wisest thing to do, regardless of our taste. We can always regift

But if it’s close family or friends who are supposed to know who we are – & they insist on giving us things that are clearly not appropriate or suited to us – it’s legitimate to say “No thank you!”

EXP: Paula & Sharon were BFFs who lived in adjacent buildings & spent a lot of time in each other’s place. Paula was ‘earthy’ & preferred antiques, while Sharon liked everything bright, shiny & new. For their B/days (one day apart) they exchanged lovely gift BUT Paula always gave Sharon things that were her taste & totally NOT Sharon’s.

After a few years of this Sharon finally spoke up, asking to be considered accurately. The following gift again did not fit Sharon clothes or decor, so with regret, she gave the gift back!
PS. Years later Sharon developed another close friendship, also an ACoA, who admitted not knowing how to give appropriate gifts. They solved it by exchanging a short list of what each would like, to choose from. It worked great.accept good

Say YES to:
• complements about anything – looks, skills, style, accomplishments, knowledge, talents,  creativity
• freely given generosity – of money, help, provisions, short-term free services, lending something you need
•  kindness, respect, positive attention, appreciation….. any time
• offers of aid when you most need it
• new ideas, suggestions, other people’s experiences we can learn from
• something frivolous & fun – just because!

CONSIDER: Rejecting someone’s good-faith offers of time, kind words or small objects – is a way to dismiss the person as unimportant, & can un-necessarily hurt their feelings. It implies that what they’re not good enough for you

EXP: In early Recovery Sean was reminded to appreciate whenever he was complemented, rather than negate it by explaining at length why he didn’t deserve the acknowledgement. His sponsor said: “It’s insulting to the person who is giving you a gift, by throwing it back in their face. Just say ‘thank you’ & then zip the lip.”
He remembered thinking: “OK, I’ll just say thank you, but privately I don’t have to agree!”  Oh well, Progress – not Perfection! Eventually he was able to appreciate genuine praise.

HEALTHY RECIPROCITY
IMP: Being reciprocal means that we are supposed to receive something in return for our efforts – it can be a Thank You, a smile, a vacation or even a house! It means we ‘allow’ others to give to us in return for something positive we have done (once or regularly) – OR just because they like us! Can you imagine?

Being able to receive is a normal part of life. This is hard for many ACoAs to believe & grasp – if we’ve been blindly obeying Toxic Rules such as “Only other people’s needs count”. Do-ing for others is all we know & taking anything makes us feel guilty! Because we don’t feel worthy of anything good, we’re not comfortable receiving – even when it’s done freely & with pleasure.

Beneficial EXCHANGES of any kind DEPEND ON:
know thyselfa. Knowing our needs. Directly or indirectly, we were taught to ignore & deny them. So now – how can we know what to take & what to reject, if we can’t tell what’s good for us or what we need?
TOXIC rules: “No one wants to help me, nor ever will” , “I should never be comforted when in pain”….(Post : Our Rights)

b. Trusting ourselves. We learned that we could never believe our own thoughts, experiences, emotions, good judgement or intuition!
They told us everything we felt was wrong, stupid or the opposite! So now – how can we identify what feels right for us or not?
TOXIC Rules: “It’s weak & dangerous to have needs, ask for help, have our emotions”

NEXT: Give & Take (#3)

ACoAs – NOT allowed to RECEIVE (Part 3)

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giving infoNOTHING IS FOR FREE!
I know I’m going have to pay a high price!

PREVIOUS: Not allowed to Receive – #2

 

ACoA REASONS 
1. ABOUT US (cont)
c. Backlash – Most ACoAs believe that if we ever got the good things we long for – we would be SOOO happy (right away) & all our problems would vanish.  It’s true that over time being with healthier people, pursuing our dreams, being loved… is healing, but not always right away!

Of course there may be some negative or mistrustful reactions from other people (bosses, friends, family, spouse, even adult-children).  But since we assume everyone will reject us for changing, we’re surprised when some respond positively

IRONY: We need to keep in mind that when we first start receiving emotional & practical benefits of Recovery, we may actually feel worse – for a while! This seems counter-intuitive, until we understand what’s at work, & can prepare ourselves to manage the discomfort, until it fades.backlash

• Moving toward positive things in our life – going on vacation, going into Recovery / therapy, finding a loving friend or mate, getting compliments & validation …. can produce internal backlash – from ourself.

Our discomfort is confusing & unexpected, especially when nothing seems to be wrong on the outside (it’s actually tooo good). It makes us think we’ve done something wrong because:
• the PigP’s voice will get louder “Who do you think you are…”
• we feel depressed, fearful, unsettled….  which is so ‘normal’, we don’t make the connection
• we may feel angry at the person who has been helpful, complimentary….

Actually, the ANXIETY comes from: • breaking the Toxic Rules
• feeling disloyal to our parents, even though they were neglectful & cruel, because the WIC thinks they were right! so we feel unworthy of receiving
• the contrast HURTS – compared to all we’ve suffered as kids & since then – at the hands of family, teachers, mates, sometimes even healers
• rage at being duped by our ‘disease’, when we “Could’a had a V8” (Love) all this time!

REMINDER : There are still people who insist (from ignorance, denial or control) that: “The past is over & done with & has nothing to do with now – let it go & get on with your life”!

Unfortunately those of us who experienced abuse & trauma as kids have a toxic programming deep in our bones. So, being conditioned to believe we’re unworthy of receiving, we can’t properly nourish ourselves or let others help us. To ‘let go’, we need the right info! To heal takes courage & time
🧤
2. Assumptions ABOUT OTHERS
• ACoAs project onto others all the overt & covert experiences we had with our dysfunctional parents (see list in Part 1). Since they were absent, careless, crazy, controlling, depressed, incompetent, demanding, violent, incompetent….
we unconsciously assume everyone else in the whole world is like that too, even though, as adult, we have definitely seen, heard of or met capable, functional people.
Emotionally, we simply ignore this knowledge & automatically react to everyone as if they’re a carbon copy our family

a. Actually, many people we run across will not be like our family, yet we treat them unfairly. Such people will be confused by the way we act & react to them. They inwardly just shake their heads & stay away!

b. More commonly, because ACoAs are talented at sniffing out people who indeed are similar to our background – we feel pulled to them, drawn in by their familiar dysfunctionality.

They have little or nothing to offer – but all the while we’re wanting, expecting, even demanding to have a different kind of interaction with them – better, more satisfying!

• We try to create a different outcome because we think it was somehow our fault that family relationships didn’t work out – & therefore we can change it, fix it, even if it has to be with substitutes! This is clearly impossible, but we keep trying – until we ‘get it’ that we didn’t cause the original problems and that we’re powerless to change other people.

NEXT: Not Allowed to Receive #4

ACoAs – NOT allowed to RECEIVE (Part 2)

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sealed doorsTO HAVE OR NOT TO HAVE –
I need, yet have to deny it!

PREVIOUS: Can’t Receive (#1)

 

ACoA ASSUMPTIONS about Receiving
1. ABOUT OURSELF (cont)
a. Neglect –  another form of Abandonment
• After visiting the Empire State building a loving mother asked her little girl: “So, did you like it?”- twice.  An ACoA listening recalls that in a similar situation, her own parents were totally focused on their own interest: “Wow, that’s some view!” but never actually included the kids.

• This is one of many indirect ways we were ‘told’ we didn’t count. We were also told outright to not ask for what we needed, much less wanted. When we did, we were ignored, punished or told that nothing was wrong with us
Anything from needing the bathroom to having a broken arm – the message was clear : we were too much of a bother, only to be tolerated but not taken care of

EXP: Dickens’ Oliver Twist was one of many starving orphans forced to labor in a 1830‘s London workhouse. One day he held out his bowl & begged: “Please Spay attentonir, I want some more” (watery porridge), which started a riot – but got him no seconds.

• Whether we ACoAs were deprived of food or not, & some of us were, we certainly were starved in a wide variety of PMES ways. Abused kids find their own particular way to cope with years of deprivation – denial & repression being an inevitable result.
This leaves us acting out the neglect either by being overtly needy & grasping, or ‘above it all’ – suppressing how much we still long for the impossible, for the care they couldn’t give

Wanting more is not just about having things. It’s the normal human needs like attention, comfort, kindness, love, nurturing, the right information, respect, safety, …. that we never got.
Many of us concluded our main character defect is our need for love (a misuse of 12-Step Program’s 4th Step). After all these years, how foolish to still want something we believe we don’t deserve! Right?

b. Asking
🤢 ACoAs are terrified to ‘blatantly’ ask, sure that we’ll always hear “NO”.
The underlying assumption is that we’ll never get any needs met, & the rejection would be too painful, so let’s not even go there
😢 AND, we’re convinced that if we have to ask for something – whateask, askver is given was not done freely, so receiving it doesn’t count, has no meaning or value!
Others are supposed to magically know & provide (read our mind)

• This assumption & demand both come from the WIC, as far back as pre-verbal infant experiences, an echo of a time when we couldn’t talk yet, so needed mother to automatically know & provide for us – but in our case didn’t!

REALITY: Adults are supposed to ask for things.
We don’t always get everything we want, or at the time we want, which does not mean we’re destined to always be deprived. Delay is OK.
God definitely answers prayer – with a Yes, No, or Wait. We have a right to ask & receive!

NOTE :  An ACoA DOUBLE BIND  (from double messages)
a. We don’t want to take care of others, hate having to give & give, especially to angry & selfish people. We’re trapped in a debilitating conflict: If we disobey the Rules, we feel terrible guilt, but if we give in, we hate ourselves & the people we ‘help’. Tortured either way.

b. BUT – we’ve been brainwashed to believe we have no other choice but to provide whatever others need. So we obey – assuming it’s the only way they’ll tolerate us. ACoAs handle the expectations, demands or whines of others
BY:
• Most often: a knee-jerk reaction to comply. Before we can take a breath we’re fixing, doing, comforting – giving, giving, giving!
• Some of us:  the only option is to be almost totally withholding – to not get sucked in
✶ Either way, it leaves NO room for us to RECEIVE

NEXT: Not Allowed to Receive – Re. OTHERS (Part 3)

ACoAs – NOT allowed to RECEIVE (Part 1)

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attitudes 

NO, THAT’S OK –
I don’t need anything!

PREVIOUS: Bad Decision Styles – #3

REVIEW: Abandonment Pain Now


DEPRIVATION & TRAUMA

THIS CHART  ↘️ is in reverse order of Maslow’s hierarchy of Needs. Instead of going from most basic to highest, this tragic deterioration is an all-too-common repeated life cycle of trauma victims – without Recovery – causing great distress & tragedy

• While many wounded people manage to carve out a life without emotional healing, they can only manage by using rigid defense mechanisms to hold their world together (addictions, bullying, controlling, cutting off all emotions, rescuing, illness, isolation, narcissism, rescuing….).
If they ever do begin a Recovery process, all the pain hidden under these defenses surfaces, causing an avalanche of anxiety, confusion & rage.

• In A.A. based on over 50 years experience, the general wisdom is that it takes a newly sober alcoholic the first 5 yrs in the Program just to get their ‘brains out of hock’. Then they can start developing a sober life!

ACoA ASSUMPTIONS about Receiving
1. ABOUT OURSELF
✦ Co-Dependence – because of the ACoA rule ‘Other people needs are always more important than mine’, we have to keep on giving to everyone else, without ever considering our own requirements & desires
✦ Control – We had to figure out how to manage on our own – way too young – and take care of others in the family (Inner Child as little adults) – “To give is better than to receive”. AND we survived! This was the only ‘power’ we had at the time, so to give up a little of it to ‘receive’ feels vulnerable & weak

Envy / Jealousy – We’re afraid to take in good thing from others & let ourselves be successful, because either we’ll be forced to share it or it’ll be taken away. We were raised with an envious parent, always in competition or ‘stealing’ our accomplishments : “What’s your is mine & what’s mine is nobody’s business”
Screen Shot 2015-09-07 at 6.36.54 PM✦ Failure – ACoAs are “human doing, rather than human beings”.  The focus was always on what we did wrong – on actions, not personal value. And since we never seemed to do anything well, right or good enough – we haven’t ‘earned’ being treated well, receiving respect & consideration, much less love

✦ Loyalty – staying connected to the family system as adults – to not feel rejected, abandoned, alone (even though that’s exactly what they did to us!) – we unconsciously decided that it’s NOT ok to have more or better connections, in any life-category, than we’ve had with our family. That way we can all continue to suffer together :“Misery loves company”
✦ Payback – If we DO take anything, we automatically feel obligated to that person or group. While reciprocity is a normal human expectation, ACoAs believe what we have to give back is our time, money, total attention…. our very life blood! No wonder we’re reluctant!

✦ Punishment – to try for more of anything could get us deliberately ignored, a slap, a disgusted look, being humiliated in public or an abusive tirade. Some of us had to ask over & over for anything, even basics, before they reluctantly gave in
✦ Scarcity – based on real experiences, we concluded that the universe has very limited resources, so to get anything for ourselves automatically diminishes someone else – usually a parent or sibling
✦ Selfishness – to ask for more is not just futile, it’s presumptuous & arrogant. Many of us were taught that wanting for yourself is a sin.

✦ Self-Hate – it’s not hard to see then why we gathered that we aren’t worthy of beinsufferingg given to! Not only because we’re bad, unlovable, selfish, greedy – “Children should be seen & not heard” – but that we haven’t ‘earned’ it, in some mysterious way!
✦ Suffering is the rule of the (alcoholic) universe: ”Life is hard!” and “You’re always supposed to struggle, but never ‘get there’”. So – don’t bother trying!

Re. Others in Part 3-4

NEXT: Can’t Receive #2

People Should Treat Me Better – But I Won’t Let Them

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ACoAs ARE IN A DOUBLE BIND  –
either way we lose ourself,
to stay loyal to the family

PREVIOUS: Healthy Give & Take (#2)

Posts : Double Messages / D.Binds

 

ACoAs have a terrible dilemma :
1. On the one hand we desperately want to be loved, acknowledged, seen, heard. We complain bitterly for years that we have to chase people down, do all the work in relationships, friends don’t come thru for us, we’re too isolated, hate being lonely, we can’t trust anyone….
You know what kids used to say: ”No one loves me, everyone hates me, I’m going to eat worms & die!” (Toxic Rules)

HOWEVER – because we’re not allowed to be loved, comfortable & comforted, happy, thriving… we chase those few who don’t want us at all, &/or are unavailable in some way, even if there was an initial attraction.  They let us know in a 1,000 ways they’re not really able to connect (their S-H & FoA), but we don’t want to deal with that info, even when we hear it!

✶ The real reason for chasing the ‘impossible dream’ is that these unavailables are parent substitutes.  Our family gave impossible dreamus messages that we were too much trouble (for them), not worth bothering with, in their way, messy, greedy, unruly pain in the a–es.
We couldn’t live with that. We had to figure out a way to win them over, to love us, if only we knew how to fix ourselves & them.  BUT we never succeeded

✶ So now, with the current unavailables, we’re determined: this time we’ll get them, this time we’ll win – if only we’re perfect & persistent enough. OY!  (“Perfectionism”)

2. On the other hand, we’re terrified of getting too much attention, are 
uncomfortable with compliments, don’t want to ‘put anyone out’, can’t accept being given to. We think (conscious or unconscious):
a. I don’t deserve good things. After all, my family didn’t like me & they knew me best. So, when anyone else gets to know me they’ll also be disgusted, & leave me. OR
b. If someone likes me, then they’re stupid, weak, needy (no one I’d want to be with) because they’re too dumb to know I’m not worth liking. OR

c. If they’repush away being nice – they’re conning me, being polite, people-pleasing, Then just when I start enjoying things they’ll leave or want something from me I don’t have.  Sooner or later the real them will show up & I’ll be disappointed – again. ALSO =

d. I don’t want to owe anyone – no one gives anything for free, everyone has an agenda….
e. If I admit I want to be liked & given to, then I’m the weak one, & that 
disgusts me. I’d rather be alone than be that vulnerable
f. People are just trying to control me by being nice, so they can get what they want, & make me do things their way…

ACoAs waffle back & forth between opposites – BUT only Negatives :
✶ either too alone or chase people interested in us or abuse us
✶ isolate for years or stay way too long with the wrong people
✶ hate ourselves for being too much or not enough
✶ act out Victim or Perpetrator Role (aggressor, abuser) ….
….. SO we keep hurting ourself & then find some addiction (not always a chemical) to dull the pain

STAYING in OLD PATTERN  – even WHEN we know better
✶ are loyal to family & it’s system (still think we need them)
✶ don’t want to disobey the Toxic Rules : they’re our connection to home AND we don’t want to be punished, AND if we obey them, the family will love / accept us

broken love✶ MOST OF ALL : we don’t want to ‘get depressed’ ie. feel all that pain (sad, lonely, terror, hopeless, rage, powerless… ) about our parents not loving us the way we needed.
We knew the truth back then, but it was too much to bear & we didn’t have many options, so we stuffed it all down.

If we do give up our fantasies & false hope about the unavailables, & walk away – we may get flooded by that accumulated old pain! But once we know where it’s coming from, we can learn to manage it until it passes. “If it’s hysterical, it’s historical”

It takes quite a bit of Recovery (growing the UNIT) to tolerate feeling that are awful! & still be ok. With enough time & the right kind of support, we can go through it – knowing that it was not our fault that our family (& others) couldn’t take care of & love us.
Now it’s ok to let love in where it’s genuine, today & every day from now on.

NEXT: Resist talking the IC? – #1

UNIT: Healthy Adult/Parent (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

PREVIOUS: Healthy Adult & Loving Parent #1

 

 

3.  BUILDING the UNIT (cont)

♥  INNER DIALOGUES –
❀  Everyone’s INNER CHILD combines emotions, experiences, memories & thoughts from childhood. It’s made up of:
• every age & developmental stage we’re lived thru
• our interactions with family, school, friends, religion…
• our version (conscious interpretation/ ‘understanding’) of all the people who were important to us, good or bad
• what we picked up from them subliminally.  Kids are very intuitiveego states

Depending on the content of a voice, we’re hearing from:
❧ a good parent or a bad inner parent
❧ a healthy child or a wounded inner child
❧ a sane adult or a fake inner adult

The 1st in each duality are soothing, informative, helpful, humorous, even spiritual

The 2nd causes us great pain, a feeling of hopelessness or futility….. & some of those voices are louder, carry more weight, are meaner….than others

❤️ We need to be talking WITH the kid every day, as often as possible, about everything – no matter how trivial.
It can be about what you feel like eating or wearing, what someone is doing, the colors around you – anything from : ‘It’s time for bed, now…” , “No, we can’t go there today – not enough time” – to – “I can tell something’s bothering you. How are you feeling?”…

• It never has to be a big deal. You can do it on a bus, in the bathroom, walking down the street… Yes, the written version takes a chunk of time, but not the everyday chit-chat

• DON’T WAIT until you’re in a crisis, to start. If you haven’t already established a good link with the kid, & then something upsets you – you will not have the UNIT available to handle it.

?? How often do you talk to anyone you live with or see every day? Only when there’s some difficulty?
The more you interact with your kid —-> the stronger the bond —> the more you prove your reliability —> the more the UNIT can take care of things & make your life WORK!!

⬇️ UNIT conversations with the Inner Child ⬇️

♥  Week before an operation:
IC: ‘I want a new red blanket to take with me to the hospital’
LP: ‘OK, honey, let’s go shopping.’
In the store:
IC: ‘I want that one! ‘ (the most expensive)
HA: ‘We only have $– to spend on this.  We need some money for groceries too’
LP: ‘I’ll get you one of these – the smaller one. We already have 2 red blankets at home – & yes I know they’re old!”

Sensing the WIC’s anxiety:
LP: “I know you’re worried & scared about the procedure. I’ll be with you the whole time & Jerry’s picking us up afterwards.”
HA: “You know I trust this doctor.  We’ll be ok.”
IC: (Pouts but understands)

♥ Waiting to get on a plane
IC: (A little antsy but not talking)
LP: (Noticing, waiting – knows kid is not afraid of flying, so it can’t be that)
IC: (Not saying anything but seems concerned)
LP: (Finally gets an ‘image’ of the issue) — “OK, OK, I’ll take you!”
(Kid doesn’t have to ‘go’ but is worried about needing the bathroom on the plane before seat belt light is off!
They go to the restroom & the kid is happy.😘

♥ After a social gathering with casual friends
IC: (In a lot of pain) “They don’t like me, I talked too much, no one came over to me afterwards, I can’t go back there, I know they’re saying bad things about me …
HA: OK, I hear you.  But what we know about these particular people is that they have shown ways that they like you. You’ve talked a lot before & they’re still nice to us”
IC: “Yeah, but…”

HA: “Yes, we aren’t their age or have the same core beliefs & not in their inner circle, but that’s not a negative reflection on you – or them. It’s just a reality. Different is different, not bad.”
LP: “Honey, the bottom line is that you are who you are & not everyone fits with us. That doesn’t make you undesirable.  We have to find places that suit all parts of us – the mental Adult, the feeling kid (You, little one) & the spiritual Parent.
IC: Reluctantly “OK”. It took a few days, but the pain went away.
*The next time at that same gathering  – everyone was as friendly as usual.   (“See, honey?” >”I know”)

NEXT: Healthy Adult/ Loving Parent – #3

UNIT: Healthy Adult/Parent (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

IT’S SORT OF LIKE MY:
Adult is  = the good Dad
Parent    = a good Mom
&  Child  = little ME

PREVIOUS: The UNIT – Part 2

POSTs: Why resist talking to the Child?
• Bookending with the IC

🦻🏼 WHY you may not ‘hear’ the IC 🦻🏼(cont)
1. Being ‘kid whipped’!

2. The Introject:  Some people mainly hear the Bad Parent voice – in the form of ‘shoulds’ & judgments, about themselves & others (you know who you are). They’re the ACoAs who know it all, are controlling, bossy, demanding, pushy….  channeling the Introject! (“Ego States – Parent #4“)

• So – when you’re with such a person, you’ll be talking to their PigP.
EXP: When Mike asked: “Hi, how are you doing?” He got back: “None of your business!” And when Sara thought about writing a book, she heard inside “Who do you think you are?”

• It can be very enlightening to dialogue with the PigP, to find out more about it’s point of view, what it’s telling the kid all the time, what it wants, what its concerns are…. so we can counter with truth & logic! 🥺

3. BUILDING the UNIT
a. Read & re-read the extensive list of characteristics of each Ego State
• Print 2-3 copies, & keep 1 each where you’ll see it every day – bathroom mirror, bag, tablet, cell….
• Little by little – write something about each characteristic  = what you think it means, how you do or don’t use it, how you see others doing it…
• Pick 1 characteristic of the L.P. & focus on it for a week.  Use the same Qs as in your writing, as you go thru each day of the year
• Take notes about your observations & talk it over with trusted people. Ask for suggestions & feedback on how to improve

The UNIT (HA + LP) needs to interact with both the NC & the WC :
• Get IC dialogue-writing workbooks, & practice until it becomes natural. Listen to “Self-Parenting” videos
• Watch how kind, loving real-life or TV parents talk to their children  (especially when the kids mess up!)
• Visualize holding your WIC & NC – what do they need & want to hear? what would you have liked your parents to say to you?
✶  Make sure to leave time for the kid to answer, comment, feel, react… It’s not a dialogue if you do all the talking!

👥 The UNIT has to consistently be in play. As grownups, we have to prove to the WIC we’re worthy of being in charge, since the ones who raised us were not.
As kids we had to either hide or be super-kid, but all of us were on our own. So now – developing a functional UNIT is the only way the kid will trust us enough to turn over its power, the only way to show the WIC is Safe & Valuable!

This is done by the UNIT’s healthy internal communication + appropriate external actions – which takes time & dedication to develop.  Our ONLY job is to take care of our Kid. If we do – everything else falls into place.

b. Actions to develop the ….. ADULT ES :
INTERNAL
• catch S-H thoughts & stop them as soon as possible
• do drawings of how you feel emotionally
• learn about your damage (WIC #1 post)
• learn healthy ways of thinking
• read everything about your issues & about growth
write some of your thoughts down every day
• try things you always wanted to do (school, travel, move…)
EXTERNAL
• listen carefully to kind people & copy them
• talk to smart, sane people regularly
• stick with the winners (others on the same path)

….& the PARENT ES:
• daily dialoguing with the WIC & the NC
• do more good things for yourself
• do less bad things to yourself
• hold your Kid, pat your chest, sing, say soothing things
• let yourself cry & do rage work as often as needed, but only in safe ways
AND —
• practice standing up for yourself, say what you want & don’t want
• stay away from people who consistently cause you pain
• nurture a spiritual life that suits you
✶  If you do your best to follow some or all these suggestions you will see improvement & get lots of satisfaction!

NEXT: The UNIT- #4