People Should Treat Me Better – But I Won’t Let Them


ACoAs ARE IN A DOUBLE BIND  –
either way we lose ourselves,
to stay loyal to the family

PREVIOUS: Healthy Give & Take (#2)

Posts : Double Messages / D.Binds

 

 

ACoAs have a terrible dilemma :
1. On the one hand we desperately want to be loved, acknowledged, seen, heard. We complain bitterly for years that we have to chase people down, do all the work in relationships, friends don’t come thru for us, we’re too isolated, hate being lonely, we can’t trust anyone….
You know what kids used to say: ”No one loves me, everyone hates me, I’m going to eat worms & die!” (Toxic Rules)

HOWEVER – because we’re not allowed to be loved, comfortable & comforted, happy, thriving… we chase those few who don’t want us at all, &/or are unavailable in some way, even if there was an initial attraction.  They let us know in a 1,000 ways they’re not really able to connect (their S-H & FoI), but we don’t want to deal with that info, even when we hear it!

✶ The real reason for chasing the ‘impossible dream’ is that these unavailables are parent substitutes.  Our family gave impossible dreamus messages that we were too much trouble (for them), not worth bothering with, in their way, messy, greedy, unruly pain in the a–es.
We couldn’t live with that. We had to figure out a way to win them over, to love us, if only we knew how to fix ourselves & them.  BUT we never succeeded

✶ So now, with the current unavailables, we’re determined: this time we’ll get them, this time we’ll win – if only we’re perfect & persistent enough. OY!  (“Perfectionism”)

2. On the other hand, we’re terrified of getting too much attention, are 
uncomfortable with compliments, don’t want to ‘put anyone out’, can’t accept being given to. We think (conscious or unconscious):
a. I don’t deserve good things. After all, my family wasn’t that nice to me & they knew me best. So, when anyone else gets to know me they’ll also be disgusted, & leave me. OR
b. If someone likes me, then they’re stupid, weak, needy (no one I’d want to be with) because they’re too dumb to know I’m not worth liking. OR

c. If they’repush away being nice – they’re conning me, being polite, people-pleasing, Then just when I start enjoying things they’ll leave or want something from me I don’t have.  Sooner or later the real them will show up & I’ll be disappointed – again. ALSO =
d. I don’t want to owe anyone – no one gives anything for free, everyone has an agenda….
e. If I admit I want to be liked & given to, then I’m the weak one, & that 
disgusts me. I’d rather be alone than be that vulnerable
f. People are just trying to control me by being nice, so they can get what they want, & make me do things their way…

ACoAs waffle back & forth between opposites – BUT only Negatives :
✶ either too alone or chase people interested in / abuse us
✶ isolate for years or stay way too long with the wrong people
✶ hate ourselves for being too much or not enough
✶ act out Victim or Perpetrator Role (aggressor, abuser) ….
….. SO we keep hurting ourselves & then find some addiction (not always a chemical) to dull the pain

STAYING in OLD PATTERN  – even WHEN we know better
✶ Loyalty to family & it’s system (still think we need them)
✶ Don’t want to disobey the Toxic Rules : they’re our connection to home AND we don’t want to be punished, AND if we obey them, the family will love / accept us

✶ MOST OF ALL : we don’t want to ‘get depressed’ ie. feel all that pain (sad, broken lovelonely, terror, hopeless, rage, powerless… ) of our parents not loving us the way we needed.
We knew the truth back then, but it was too much to bear & we didn’t have many options, so we stuffed it all down.

If we do give up our fantasies & false hope about the unavailables, & walk away – we may get flooded by that accumulated old pain! But once we know where it’s coming from, we can learn to manage it until it passes. “If it’s hysterical, it’s historical”

It takes quite a bit of Recovery (growing the UNIT) to tolerate feeling that are awful! & still be ok. With enough time & the right kind of support, we can go through it knowing that it was not our fault that our family (& others) couldn’t take care of & love us.
Now it’s ok to let love in, today & every day from now on.

NEXT: Resist talking the IC? – #1

Positive Character: SOCIAL IQ

  positive character

IT’S TIME TO ”ADULT” 
– wherever I am

PREVIOUS:  Positive Character: Knowledge #2

See ACRONYM Page for abbrev.

 

 

ACCOUNTABILITY 
“The buck stops here” ˜ Harry S. Truman.
It may be called the ‘ultimate responsibility‘ because it can’t be shared – it’s the obligation to bear the consequences for failure to perform as expected. It includes striving to express our highest values in whatever we do, aspiring to be our best in all interactions.accountable
Re. work: each of us being responsible for the tasks & functions essential to our role or position
Re. relationships: taking responsibility for our motivations, words & actions – but not more than that (opposite of co-dependence)
EXP: • being clear & direct  • not blaming others  • doing things the right way & for the right reason  • being trustworthy

DISCRETIONdiscreet
Recognizing & avoiding attitudes, words & actions that could create undesirable consequences. It includes being tactful – avoiding embarrassing situations, not upsetting others, good at keeping secrets, & not attracting inappropriate attention to ourselves. Respectful of taboos, not being sucked into what we know is unhealthy or illegal – for ourselves or in general
EXP: • choose our words carefully  • have good manners • thoughtfully consider criticism  • don’t make fun of others  • turn down any invitation to do wrong

PERSUASIVENESS (being effective)
The ability to gently maneuver “vital truths around another’s mental roadblocks.” Appeal to persuasive-speakingsomeone’s reason, values, beliefs or emotions, in order to convince them to adopt a particular belief or pursue a specific action – without doing harm to them or ourselves.  Having legitimate influence over others allows us to live more in alignment with what we want, instead of what others want us to do or be
EXP:
• appeal to a person’s conscience in terms of their best qualities • wait for the best time  • point others in the right direction • don’t stretch the truth to make it more attractive  • don’t argue or bully in order to convince someone

PUNCTUALITY
It means having a good sense of timing & foresight, including the ability to plan ahead.  Consistently being on time indicates we are the master of our life & therefore can be counted on.  It time managementshows up as completing required tasks or fulfilling obligations before or by the time it’s due, being on time for appointments AND being prepared on arrival.  It’s knowing when our responsibility ends & someone else’s begins, while showing respect for others’ time & plans.
EXP:
• don’t make people wait for us  • don’t fall into the trap of “just one more” • be at the right place at the right time • prepare for unexpected delays  • plan a daily schedule and keep it

RECEPTIVITY
Being ready & willing to gladly receive all the good things life has to offer. Be attentive to whatever is unfolding in the present moment, taking in what is available, & making the best use if it. Absorb & hold receptivenew suggestions or concepts quickly & easily, open to reasonable arguments, ideas, or change.  Not having to fight for or be pushy about getting what we want.
EXP:
• be willing to receive when it appears • accept people for who & what they are • patiently wait for things to develop • be grateful for what we have

SENSITIVITY / EMPATHY
Show consideration & personal concern for others. Consider things from someone else’s point of view. Be able to pick up on others’ actual attitudes, motives & state of mind. Understand & identify with the emotions of others – as a direct result of having access to a wide range of our own in their shoesemotions.

Making other people feel comfortable. Being able to fit into different social situations. Don’t decide about someone based only on one interaction & don’t let our own fears & prejudices get in the way on how to treat them.  EXP:
• read body signals, tone of voice & facial expressions • make it easy for people to click with us  • say supportive & comforting things to someone in pain  • have a deep appreciation for another’s point of view   •  Do NOT feel sorry for ourselves

NEXT: Positive C. – Humanity #1