Problem-Solving

ACoAs UNDER – Trusting & the Brain (Part 3)

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untrustworthy

I DON’T WANT TO BE ALONE – but I’m afraid to let anyone in 

PREVIOUS: Under-Trusting (#2)

POST : ”Lack of Trust”

QUOTES: “Our distrust is very expensive.”  ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
“He who does not trust enough, will not be trusted.” ~Lao Tzu

INFO
🪴 Perception of competence = A person’s self-evaluation of their abilities, skills & readiness to succeed in specific areas
POS : The assumption that when we need to cooperate with other people, we’re capable of providing each other with what’s needed
NEG  :  In abusive situations, an obvious violation of competence is the neglectful parent – those doubting their skills experience higher stress & may withdraw from interacting with their children.

Perception of intention – the ability to infer another person’s motives, goals or underlying plans – just from observing their behavior.
POS : In a trusting relationship – it’s believing that everyone’s working towards a shared desire, & no one’s going to be exploited
NEG : However, we can’t / should not trust someone we think or know is trying to use us for their own benefit

🔶 WHY ACoAs DON’T Trust (Part 2)

🔶 RESULTS of UNDER-Trusting (UT)
🥀 EMOTIONAL
• we miss out on the joys & challenges of intimacy by never letting our guard down, AND we don’t find out what’s really going on with others
• it makes us bitter & cynical about people, missing out on great friendships & love – which would be healing
• we miss out on fun & companionship, which would alleviate some of our loneliness, AND provide relaxation

🥀 PERSONALdeprivation
• Keeps us isolated : if we became suspicious / paranoid in childhood, then the isolation makes us more so – because we don’t know what’s really going on around us
• Makes it hard to fulfill our potential, because we don’t trust genuine praise, NOR helpful info from friends, bosses, teachers….

🥀 SOCIAL
• Don’t let others know who we really are – not just our needs but our abilities, SO don’t get the mirroring & validation that’s crucial for success
• Lose respect & ‘street cred’ at work for not being more social or a team player
• Miss outlonely-senior on available info & opportunities that are better suited  to us
• People won’t easily come to us for our knowledge, expertise, help… SO we don’t get the admiration & honors we’ve earned & desperately want
• Possibly lose loved ones, friends, even jobs – by being suspicious, stingy, unfriendly, uncommunicative

🥀 BEHAVIORAL
• Deprivation – we end up having to do everything ourself & what we can’t do alone gets left undone – even if it’s important
• Keeps us from taking legitimate risks (requires trust in the possibility of good outcomes), because we don’t have help when truly needed (sick, moving, fired, divorce, kids…)
spiritual disconnect• On a broader scale, under-trusting separates us from the world at large. It can make us suspicious of anyone ‘not like us’, potentially leading to anti-social behavior
• IT makes it hard to have a spiritual connection, which prevents us from the sense of belonging to the human race, leaving us ‘out in the cold’ just like we were in our family.
*    *     *    *    *
🟩 The BRAIN & Trusting
1. A 2015 study with 82 participants showed differences in brain structure based to how trusting someone is of others.
Most important finding :  the ventral medial prefrontal cortex was larger in those who tended to be more trusting, the area that evaluates social rewards.

ALSO :  the volume of the amygdala was greater in 2 groups – those who were most trusting & those who were least trusting of others. This brain structure helps encode & remember things that are emotionally important to us.

2. Many of our decisions hinge on how much we trust others, built on past dealings with a person OR their reputation.
Another study used MRI to brain-scan participants while playing a Trust Game with various partners who – by social reputation – were pre-labeled as fair, unfair & indifferent, in order to make trust-based decisions together.

Any activated part of the brain uses more oxygen, so the more oxygenated blood that flows into an area, the stronger the signal.
RESULT : the area called the caudate (deals with decisions & responds to reputation) “lit up” most strongly in the ‘trusters’ when dealing with unfair or indifferent partners, but not with the fair ones.

NEXT: Patterns of Mistrust – #1

ACoAs UNDER-Trusting (Part 2)

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001c0405llALL AUTHORITY IS BAD – & determined to keep me down!

PREVIOUS: UNDER-Trusting (#1)

POST : “Unrealistic Expectations”

 

🔶 UNDER-Trusting (UT) (Part

🔶 WHY ACoAs DON’T Trust (cont.)
a. Abandonment // b. Self-Hate

c. Shame  (IMP : first read posts re. shame)
• We feel such deep shame about feeling unlovable, the bad seed, a mess, too damaged…. that we withdraw from others so they won’t see who we “really” are & what we need
• OR we compulsively tell everyone all the things that are wrong with us (TMI)
& then feel ashamed for exposing ourself – but keep doing it

It’s true that our culture generally does not value or respect vulnerability – only a ‘stiff upper lip’. So if we talk to the wrong person about our pain, they’ll make fun, dismiss, judge, say we’re “overreacting, it’s all in the past, we should be over it by now.”….. but the most common thing we’ll hear is : Don’t be negative” – which BTW is about Thinking, not Emotions! ➡️

NOTE: This is not the same as sharing about our inner wounds in meetings or therapy, where it’s appropriate, even though we feel shame & fear of punishment & rejection in those places too

EXP – Angela borrowed $35 from a recovery friend. She was going thru a very hard year & kept putting off repaying. Then she moved to another city & lost touch. The woman finally tracked her down & angrily demanded her due, saying Angela was irresponsible & not to be trusted.

Angela was very upset, knowing she was in the wrong, but also realizing that trying to always look good on the outside, she had been too ashamed to tell the woman about her health & money troubles, which would have helped her ‘friend’ understand the delay.

d. Unrealistic Expectations
unrealisticEven though many ACoAs can’t or don’t want to be dependable, honest or fair (#3 on the ACoA Laundry List) we have a desperate need for everyone else to be.

Also, we’re too literal  – so we assume / need to believe that people mean exactly what they say. This is normal for children, but not realistic as adults.  If we hear:
✦ “ I’ll bring you the book tomorrow”, we look forward to getting it the next day
✦ “I’ll call you right back”, we sit around & wait, & wait…..
✦ “Let’s get together soon”, we want to know exactly when

THEN if they don’t come thru, ACoAs get very upset, leaving us:
• deeply disappointed, so our mistrust gets reinforced
• feeling S-H, convinced that it’s personal (NOT), that it’s our fault, we weren’t likable, assertive, clear enough….

REALITY – The other person may:
• be a people-pleaser, just being polite, so the ‘promise’ is not sincere, but not malicious
• have meant it at the time they said it, but got busy, forgot, got distracted or delayed….
YES, occasionally we run in to a narcissist or sadist who is just messing with us (maybe like one of our parents or classmates…) but that will be rarer, unless we’re still living with someone like that! reation to authority

e. Authority
ACoAs automatically distrust all authority figures because the first ones in our life were cruel or weak. This then gets extended to the ‘ultimate authority’ – God.  Now we react in one of 3 ways, by:
⚡️ being victims & people-pleasers OR rebelling & fighting OR withdrawing & isolating

• This is understandable as far as early experience is concerned. However, as adults we’ll continue fearing all authority ONLY as long as we’re not yet empowered ourself.
If we’re still interacting with the world mainly as a WIC, then we continue to depend on others, & so are always vulnerable to bad parent figure – teachers, bosses, therapist, doctors, politicians….
🔺With a True Self, healthy self-esteem & good boundaries, we can be on an equal footing with others

leadershipUNHEALTHY: Some ACoAs need to be ‘the authority figure’ so that:
• we can punish others for what was done to us
• no one can take advantage of us
• we can put others in their place (down)

HEALTHY: Some people are born to be leaders, entrepreneurs, self-motivators, & can grow into taking on the mantle of power without misusing it.  Not everyone is born to be ‘under’ someone’s authority (working for others).

NEXT: Under-trusting (Part 3)

ACoAs UNDER-Trusting (Part 1)

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one eye openALWAYS KEEP ONE EYE OPEN –
you never know where danger lurks!

PREVIOUS: OVER-Trusting (#2)

POST : ‘What is Shame’

See “Acronyms” for abbrev.

🏴 MISTRUST = Suspicion  — the lack of trust rests in us, by not following our intuition, observation, experience…. This shows up as feeling a general sense of unease about someone or something, but without proof (yet) WHEN :
• you have no immediate reason to think someone will do the wrong thing, but you don’t have a reason to trust them either
• OR: a person or situation really does seem questionable, because your intuition is picking up a hint from their words, action or manner
• OR: there’s actually no reason to be suspicious, but your mistrust is not deserved (paranoia)

🏴‍☠️ DISTRUST = Certainty — the lack of trust rests in ‘them’, WHEN :
• you have good reason to not trust someone based on your many experiences with them, not just once
• you’re given reliable information about someone or something which lets you know they’re not safe / trustworthy

🔶 UNDER-Trusting (UT) as Adults 
The way we think & react emotionally to how others behave – not even necessarily toward us – has a direct impact on our lack of trust (our Ts – CDs and Es – FoA).paranoid  This is usually based on all our disappointing & painful relationships with unsafe adults in the past, mainly those with our parents.

Those experiences can easily lead to a subtle, underlying paranoia that colors everything. Going forward, what’s necessary for mental health & peace of mind is to see & understand who people are individually, not lumping them together as all bad or unsafe.

REALITY : We incorrectly ‘mistrust’ some people WHO —
•  are simply not interested in us. It’s nothing personal – we’re just not a good fit, or they’re caught up in their own world
•  really are insensitive, mean or otherwise unavailable, which hurts
•  are just taking care of themselves instead of focusing on us – at the moment – This may feel like they’re turning their back, because we’re expecting them to be the good Inner Parent for us – as comfort & companionship

Without a Healthy Adult ego-state the WIC in us can’t tell the difference between these 3 groups – so when disappointed, we regress into that old ‘slough of despair” (Pilgrim’s Progress), where “all is cloudy, hopeless & no one is ‘good’!”

🔶 WHY ACoAs DON’T TRUST
cling /rejecteda. Abandonment (too many PMES losses)
Because we were raised by untrustworthy people, as adults we’re still longing to be taken care of by someone else. So WE —
— continue to cling to people, places & situations (PPT) which do not have to the inherent capacity to provide even our most basic human needs, much less compensate for all we missed out on in childhood. The combined of old & new deprivation adds up, which can be deadly for us & to those around us.
Accumulation over the years : the less we’re treated with respect —> the more abandoned we feel —-> the more wounded we get —-> the more demanding the WIC becomes —> getting angrier & angrier.

When our core abandonment button is pushed we may resort to using familiar character defects: freaked out
• withdraw, sulk, withhold          • be paranoid & accusatory
• get controlling & micromanage     • be clingy & desperate

AND when our anxiety reaches the level of hysteria, we can’t stop ourself from making a painful situation worse, setting others up to fight with or withdraw from us, increasing our sense of loss & mistrust.
Then we say “See, I knew it all along – no one is there for me!” even though in some cases we contributed to it by our behavior & choices

b. Self-Hate – As a result of original abandonment, WE:
wrongElliInternally: • don’t know who we are, fundamentally
• can’t identify most our needs (even the basic, normal human ones) much less have the right to get them met
• are convinced we don’t deserve to be treated well, so don’t notice or reject anyone who is actually capable of being kind
• don’t trust our own knowledge, experience & observations

Externally: • we stay too long with unhealthy people
• don’t trust that anyone will ever be able or willing to help us
THEN we say “I hate everyone, no one likes me, I don’t belong anywhere”….

NEXT: Under-Trusting (Part 2)

ACoAs: OVER-Trusting (Part 3)

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promise the moon WHAT’S WRONG WITH PRETENDING
everything’s just fine?

PREVIOUS: Over-trusting (#2)

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

POST: “People should treat me better, BUT I won’t let them”

🔷 We trust TOO EASILY when we…. (Part 2)

🔷 WHY DO WE OVER-TRUST?  (cont)
a. FoA (fear of abandonment)
b. Self-hate

c. Co-dependence — a form of “Delayed Stress Syndrome” or PTSD
• we use people as substitute parents instead of being our own, so we can’t afford to notice flaws or limitations in them, no matter how glaring
• we don’t have the right to object to other people’s b.s., so naturally we would never think of calling them on it (see Toxic Rules)

copdep• we depend on the opinions & values of others too much, convinced they know things we don’t, so EVEN when we have knowledge or intuition about a person or situation – we ignore it, especially if someone else disagrees
• we don’t want to, god-forbid, hurt anyone’s feeling by ‘suspecting’ them of being less than trustworthy – as they blatantly or subtly do us in!

EXP: Social conformity: As unhealed adults, if we’re forced to be part of a group where trust is expected / demanded – by a parent, teacher, boss, gang leader — no matter how irrational, unfair, evil, illegal — we will go along with their agenda, otherwise we’ll be severely punished, labeled coward &/or ostracized (may be true if we chose & stayed in the wrong one)
OR:
• Despair: Being in a hopeless situation we can’t get out of (like a child in an alcoholic home) – then trusting whoever’s in charge is the lesser of 2 evils, as a way to survive

d. Illusions
Growing up – constant disappointment in our family makes us long for everyone else  we can depend on, so to make up for it, we put people on a pedestal :
• IF our parent was mentally ill, we idealize anyone who sounds ‘normal’ & functional – even tho’ they may be selfish or controllingidealize sickness
• IF our parent was violent, we idealize anyone who seems calm, even tho’ they may be emotionally numb & unavailable

• IF our parent was verbally cruel, we idealize people who are ‘nice’, even tho’ they may be a people-pleaser & therefore not totally genuine
• IF our parent was absent, we idealize people who ‘want us’, even tho’ they may just be using us to take care of them …..

e. Confusion
• Our family didn’t model appropriate behavior, seeing everything in B & W – drama, extremes, deprivation…. so now we evaluate the world using the same lens.  We have trouble distinguishing nuances of good vs bad behavior & don’t consider proportions. Instead of looking for relationships made of 70 – 80% positives with only 20 – 30% negatives (which is reasonable), we settle for the crumbs of only 10 – 30% positives – if that – & ignore a huge pile of crap!

sweep it away• When someone hurts & disappoints us, especially if we love & / or admire them, we tend to push away whatever we feel & think about their behavior – sweeping it under the carpet & saying nothing. Instead, we hold in our anger & get depressed.

They may or may not be in the wrong, & we may or may not be overreacting – even when they are off-center. The positive thing to do is first to process any rage & CDs we may have,  & only then talk to the person about the situation – if possible – but only from our Healthy Adult ego state.  If done correctly, we’ll feel much relief, whether they hear us or not!

• And sometimes we have friends, family members, co-workers & acquaintances who are basically OK, are on our side, or at least neutral – BUT who we secretly accuse of being unsafe because :
◇ they’re not 100% perfect in their interactions with us – OR
◇ their positive regard for us is too much to take in, so we dismiss it, or
◇ they do admire us, at a distance, but are not actually friends, so we don’t trust they can see & appreciate us …..since they’re not ‘taking care’ of us

REMINDER:  As long as we’re being run by the Wounded Inner Child, we find it very hard to separate people who are permanently unsafe from those who are only unsafe some of the time, from those who are genuinely trustworthy.

NEXT: ACoAs – UNDER Trusting (Part 1)

ACoAs – OVER-Trusting (Part 1)

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being conned THE WORLD IS ONLY SAFE –  if I pretend to not notice the bad stuff!

PREVIOUS: Lack of Trust #2

SITE: 10 Warning Signs of being too trusting

QUOTE: “Never trust anyone completely but God.” ~ Lawrence Welk

OVER-Trusting  (OT) – as ADULTS
DEF: Ignoring information you already know about a person or situation (or a potential one you’ve been told about) that screams:  “I’m NOT safe. I’ll get you as often as I can. Don’t trust me” AND that everyone else – except you – can see!

📌 A therapist suggested to a client why she needed to be more discerning & less trusting:  “Some people you don’t let in the bedroom, some people you don’t let into the living room, & some you don’t let in the front door!”

🔷 WRONG reasons for trusting:
• Impulsiveness : chasing something or someone the WIC very badly wants, putting all our inappropriate hope & trust in how it will turn out (the way we ne-e-ed it to), without admitting what we already know. Not considering the consequences, such as thinking through possible danger to ourself or others

• Masochism : We tend to search out confirmation of prior expectations. ACoAs expect abuse & abandonment.
For abuse survivors with little or no Recovery – reinforcing the pain of unrealistic hope & unfulfilled trust (PMES abandonment) is often chosen over safety, comfort & pleasure.
We repeatedly trust the wrong people, guaranteeing disappointment, by fulfilling our self-destructing assumption – that there are no positive outcomes for us. (review the  TOXIC RULES)

• Risk-taking : Being desperate, or as an adrenaline junkie, we pursuimpulsivee a situation or person even knowing that the danger of going ahead is great (re. love, money sports….).
If we subjectively think the possible gains far outweigh any possible loss (illusion coming from the WIC), we’re willing to take the gamble, sometimes even with our life.

All of us ACoAs experienced years of trauma in childhood – at home, at school & in our neighborhoods.  We were deeply scarred by those experiences, but each of us handled it in our own way, depending on our basic personality AND our Toxic Family ROLES.abuse / fantasy
Those wounds were beyond anything we could bear, so we developed our own defensive posture:
• some have become overtly tough, angry, bitter
• others hide away from everyone
• some try to rescue & fix others to feel safe
• others escaped into a world of fantasy & have stayed lost, needing to see everyone thru rose-colored glasses!

THIS last defense mechanism is a thick blanket of vagueness to soothe the ache in our heart, BUT it makes us endlessly vulnerable to emotional, mental & physical vultures who can smell our ‘out-to-lunchness’ a mile away!

ACoA IRONY : Regardless of which protective style we act out, we’re trapped in another dilemma. Trying to mask how afraid we really are of everyone underneath, some of us carelessly trust everyone, especially the most damaging people! It’s so automatic we don’t even realize we’re being too credulous = because we need it so we can stay passive, with denial as our worthless safety blanket.

EXP: Josie hears a new acquaintance admits that she has trouble with friendships – they usually end in serious disagreements & separation.
Josie is starving for companionship & overlooks this vital information. Unconsciously her WIC thinks: “She wouldn’t do that to little ole’ meeee – I’d never hurt her or make her feel bad, I care too much, I’m so sweet….. so we’ll always get along” 😇

Yet, sure enough, at some point Josie says or does the ‘wrong thing’ & the friend gets mad at her – attacking, accusing, withdrawing ….. Josie is shocked, then hurt, confused & of course blames herself for the problem (as if this outcome wasn’t totally predictable!)

We excuse our psychological & emotional blindness by thinking or saying:blind-see
• I’m just trying to be a good person, I’ll give them another chance
• it’s wrong to judge others, & besides – they’re trying
• ‘they’ don’t mean to hurt me / can’t help how they are
• you don’t know their ‘good’ side, their good qualities
• …but they say they love me, give me money, ne-e-ed me
• I can’t make it without them
• & it’s my fault anyway, I deserve how they treat me  …

NEXT: Over-Trusting (Part 2)

ACoAs: Lack of TRUST (Part 2)

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unsafe parentSEE, I TOLD YOU –
nobody’s safe!

PREVIOUS: Lack of Trust (Part 1)

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.


🕛 LIFE STAGES
🕕 DEF. of Legitimate Trust

 🕕 CAUSES of ACoA DISTRUST
PHYSICAL
• growing up in a neglectful, unpredictable &/or volatile family
• constantly subjected to undeserved bullying & victimization, by individuals & institutions
• death or loss of one or more loved-ones

EMOTIONAL
• emotional, physical &/or sexual abuse at the hands of our caretakers
• being chronically put down for the way we felt or for what we believed
• hostile relationship between parents, with siblings, with step-parents & other relatives

RELATIONAL
• parental infidelity, bitter divorce or loss of another long-term relationship
• our own painful relationships – being belittled, misunderstood, abused or ignored
• being cheated on / betrayed – sexually, emotionally, financially
• our confidential information betrayed by a trusted friend, relative, spouse or professional …..

SOME RESULTS
• we get so caught up in unresolved grief that we can’t open ourself up to others, terrified we’ll be left alone again, as if we’re still living in that household & still 5 years old!

• because of S-H, we can’t believe that we deserve attention, or anyone’s care & concern for us, so have a problem trusting even the positive, healthy & consistent behavior of someone who is sincere

🕕 ACoA thoughts / beliefs about NOT Trusting
Re. OTHERS
• there’s no such thing as a healthy relationship
OR – I wouldn’t know a healthy relationship if it fell on me!
• marriage is a prison sentence – I’ll be trapped & used – or left
• I can’t seem to find any good friends or good partners – so why bother looking?

• as soon as you let yourself care about someone – they leave you!
• I’m never letting anyone ever get close enough to me again so I won’t be vulnerable anymore
• people don’t really improve or change, & any ‘reforming’ is temporary or just fake (like an alcoholic getting sober)
• no matter what they say, it’s all manipulation to get their way. If I let myself believe & relax my defenses, I’ll be devastated when they go back to their old ways

Re. OURSELVESunsafe world
The only way to survive & protect myself is to avoiding people as much as possible, because:
• I’ve been hurt so much & by so many in the past
• all men / all women are dishonest
• everyone’s out to get the most they can (from me)
• no one respects me
• if I let my guard down someone will step on me OR all hell will break loose
• if I open myself up people will use that info against me…. so how can I trust anyone?

 ♦️OUR LACK OF TRUST can CAUSE:
• Arguments with others, because of intruding on their privacy about what we think are their ‘suspicious’ activities, their lack of openness – often leading to retaliation from them
• Anxiety in us, especially when we don’t know where a loved-one is & we’re convinced they’re not being honest

• Deception – a partner or adult-child. being controlled & boundary invaded by us.  They may really be sneaking around doing the bad things we believe they’re up to,  OR they’re just wanting some privacy & peace of mind away from the family (us)
• Fear of reprisals from them for our constant accusations (our fear of abandonment), & judging them for not being what we want them to be (but trying not to punish them)

• Fear of risk, because we never got the mirroring, support & feedback to make scary changes, AND which we can’t receive in the present if we don’t trust anyone
• Low self-esteem in others, which we ‘encourage’ by constantly investigating them, questioning, following (suspicion is the opposite of acceptance)
• Miscommunication, or lack of communication, because we’re afraid to let others know what we really need, want or feel

barbara-oneilMOVIE: “All This & Heaven Too”, 1940, staring Bette Davis. An excellent portrayal of a disturbed personality – the Count’s wife, played by Barbara O’Neil – who is a needy, narcissistic, desperately clingy & demanding shrew.

She has a deep fear of abandonment, is constantly suspicious of her husband, & rejects her children because they interfere with having her husband all to herself. This drives the children away from her & the Count into the arms the loving nanny – the very thing that makes her even more distrustful & enraged – leading to tragedy.

NEXT: ACoAs – OVER-Trusting (#1)

ACoAs: Lack of TRUST (Part 1)

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con man
WHO CAN I DEPEND ON?
for sure NOT my family!

PREVIOUS:
 Early Trust Betrayal, #2

REVIEW post: ‘Parents Blaming us’

 

LIFE STAGES:  Erik Erikson, a German psychoanalyst heavily influenced by Freud, developed a psycho-social theory of personality development, which included the impact of external factors (parents + society) ON our:
• ego identity (the self)
• personal identity (what distinguishes one person from another)
• social/cultural identity (social roles we might play)

Erikson’s theory says every person must pass through a series of inter-related stages over the entire life cycle —>   AGES:
1. Infant   (Hope) – Basic Trust vs. Mistrust 
Birth to 18 mths
2. Toddler  (Will)    – Autonomy vs. Shame
18 mths to 3 yrs (MORE….)

IN Infancy (Stage 1) the main emphasis is on parental ability to nurture & care for the child, especially using visual contact & touch, so that :
• in a safe environment the child will develop confidence, optimism, security & trust
• in an unsafe home, they’ll develop insecurity, worthlessness & general mistrust of the world

In an episode of LIE TO ME, (TV series, Fall 2010), Dr. Lightman says:
“The way to make a disturbed personality is : Constant Criticism & Lack of Affection – it works every time” !

DEF. of Legitimate Trust
In OURSELF
• be able to rely on our own observations, judgement & intuition
• when exposing vulnerabilities to someone, assume they won’t take advantage of or abuse our openness, but know we can’t control their reactions
• have confidence placed in us by someone else, & accepting the obligation that entails
In OTHERS
• identify how someone is going to act (predictably good or bad) & gauge our probable losses & gains in dealing with them. 🫆It’s based on what we already know about them, using their past performance as a guide
• have a firm belief in the integrity, ability or character of a person or thing, from our own experience, or based on accepting the opinion of a highly reliable source
• Hope : to be able to rely on something or someone in the future / to expect a specific outcome with assurance

NOTE
• The Healthy Adult ego state knows no one can be perfectly dependable, & that the wish for it isn’t possible – so we wouldn’t expect it.
Secretly demanding others to be absolutely 100% ‘safe’ (before we can trust) is UNrealistic,  which makes us vulnerable to always getting disappointed, leaving us in the same old place – convinced that ‘no one’ is trustworthy

• There are legitimate reasons to not trust certain kinds of people – especially the not-so-obvious narcissists! – which we definitely need to acknowledge, & then stay away from.
Past experiences with them should not be ignored, especially as we become sure of our ‘evidence’.

EXERCISE : Keep a log for a month (or as long as needed) of each time you feel unsafe with someone, & see what patterns show up. Then take a small, definite action to change the situation or your part in the relationship

unsafeMISUNDERSTOOD
ACoAs often say : ‘I can’t trust anyone’ –  the focus being on people outside ourself. This is B & W thinking & not totally accurate. Although it[s true that our parents were not safe, most of us do have/ or have had a few people throughout our life who have proven themselves trustworthy (even if not perfectly!).
❇️ Instead – trusting needs to be focused internally – on our own intelligence.

MAIN reasons we say this ⬆️ – is that unhealed ACoAs :
a. haven’t learned to trust our own observations, experience, & intuition!
b. keep picking & staying with toxic people, & keep getting burned. Strange that we’re surprised each time!
c. want / expect / demand the assurance that whatever or whoever we put our trust in will never ever let us down, disappoint, abandon or hurt us!

This demand is:
demanging• B & W ‘all or nothing’ thinking (a CD) – typical of children & the emotional immature
• the position of the WIC, who wants everyone to be the good parent we never had, so we don’t have to grow up & take care of ourself
• an expression of co-dependence – being focused on others outside of ourself, instead of internally listening to what we know to be true.

NEXT: ACoA Lack of Trust (Part 2)

ACoAs: Early Trust Betrayal (Part 1)

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  1. angry father WHO CAN I DEPEND ON?
    for sure NOT my family!

PREVIOUS: Adult Play #2

QUOTE: “To be betrayed, the person must first experience trust in the betrayer….. Betrayal is probably the most devastating loss a person can experience.”


😥 BETRAYAL TRAUMA 😲
This is when the people or institutions you depend on for survival significantly violate your trust or well-being
EXP: physical, emotional, or sexual abuse perpetrated by a caregiver
Q: Does the victim need to be conscious of the betrayal to call it “betrayal trauma”?
ANS: “No.” Being mistreated is by definition betrayal, whether the child recognizes it explicitly or not.
While conscious awareness of it may be suppressed at the time of trauma & for as long as the victim is dependent on the perpetrator, strong feelings of betrayal will eventually surface.

✍️ THEORY
Traumatic events differ in degree of fear & betrayal, depending on context & characteristics of an event.
EXP : People with a history of childhood sexual abuse – which result in PTSD & dissociative symptoms – much more often reported feeling betrayed rather than feeling great fear.  Many other studies have found that betrayal is a psychologically toxic component of events.

😴  BETRAYAL BLINDNESS 😵
Betrayal blindness is the un-awareness, not-knowing, dissociating or forgetting about —> years of painful experiences. It may extend to betrayals not traditionally considered ‘traumas’ such as gossip, inequities in the workplace & society….
• Victims, perpetrators & witnesses can each have betrayal blindness to preserve relationships, institutions or social systems they depend on.

In Childhood
• Children automatically trust their parents (caregivers) – they don’t have a choice. But that trust can be destroyed early & easily if their family & community is unreliable, non-nurturing & dangerous. The earlier the trust-betrayal, the more long-term damage is done, since small children can’t understand & process such disappointment

• Kids don’t want the instability & cruelty of their home to be true, so they can’t afford to consciously admit their suffering is being caused by the unloving adults they depend on. If they did it, it would make life even more unbearable, so they do whatever they can to deny painful experiences (blame themself, fit into toxic roles, people-please, rescue…..)

• Years of emotional pain from abuse & neglect lead children to make definite & lasting negative decisions about themself & the whole world, based on very real events. These twisted conclusions & assumptions form self-hate, cynicism, bitterness & hopelessness.

That old accumulated pain is then mirrored & added to by rigid unhealthy ‘laws’ of other dysfunctional groups such as school, church, neighborhood. The combination becomes the basis for all future choices & interactions.  Toxic beliefs get ‘written in stone’ , very hard to change in any case but impossible to correct as long as they stay out of conscious awareness.

♻️ Besides internal reasons for ‘not-knowing’, there may be external reasons for suppression. Common demands for silence come from a specific perpetrator & others (family & society’s flying monkeys), to the point of never having the ‘event’ mentioned – much less acknowledged. More….)

“Experiences that have never been shared with anyone else may create a 
different internal structure than shared experiences”
BTW: Al-anon saying “You’re only as sick as you secrets”

🙇🏻‍♂️ BETRAYAL ways
disappointeda. Programing : We were brain-washed into not trusting our own observations, opinions, emotions & conclusions.
We were:
• told “you don’t feel that way /  that’s not how it is / I don’t know why you think that / Oh, nothing (is going on)” …..
OR
• not given important information about what was really happening in the family, leaving us with an uncomfortable feeling of insecurity, wondering what’s wrong, making up scenarios & blaming ourself, thinking we’re crazy !
AND
• expected to go along with the program, no matter —— how harmful to our mental & emotional health, that it didn’t fit our native personality, how little it allowed us to explore options & possibilities in the world, or find out what our true purpose is

EXP: “The Judds” was a reality show on the OWN tv channel (2011).
Mother Naomi slowly spilled all the ugly family secrets she’s been protecting for the past 60 yrs – murder, incest, suicide, neglect…. Daughter Wynona finally has an understanding of the problems between the two, & came to have compassion for & a new trust in her mother.
Sadly,  in 2022 the severely depressed Naomi shot herself ! — just before being inducted into the Country Hall of Fame. 😭

NEXT : Trust Betrayal, Part 2

“INNER CHILD SPEAKS”, re-posted (Part 2)

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inner kidYOU DON’T HAVE TO KNOW EVERYTHING
to listen or talk to me!

PREVIOUS: Child to Adult Monologue (#1)

SITE: “Love Your Inner Child”

 

WRITER: Marie T Russell (1996) publisher of InnerSelf Magazine. Reprinted in full, as is. 
LETTER CONTINUES

The child cries out:  “You told me that it was not a-prop-riot-e behavior to dance in the street, or to sing with the birds, or to talk to the new people that I discovered on the street – you call those people strange-hers. You told me that it’s not appropriate to be playful & childlike, that I had to act your age. Well, I’ve got news for you. I’m an Inner Child & I’m eternally young… so my age is whatever I choose. And today I choose to be five years old. So it is okay for me to sing & dance & love everyone I meet, because I know that God loves me, and that I am loved by everyone because God is in everbad inputyone.

“Do you know what is not appropriate? When you frighten me with your grown-up mixed-up beliefs. You have a picture of the world that I do not like, & you try to frighten me into doing what you want by telling me about your picture. Well, your picture is all wrong! Do you know why?

Because your picture has a nasty God in it that punishes children & He gets very angry when they make a mistake. Well, my God loves me & loves you too. And my God does not frighten little children. Instead He provides birds that make music, fruit trees for food, sun for light & warmth, grass to roll in & lay on, animals to play with, & lots of other good things.

“Your picture is just a horror movie that you made up, & I don’t watch horror movies. So if you insist on watching a horror picture, keep me out of it. Don’t even tell me about it. I don’t like to hear yucky stories. They make my belly & my heart hurt.

“But if you decide you’d like to watch and live a beautiful love story with me, then simply switch channel to the Inner Child channel. You and I can get to know each other, then we can have some fun as well as some love & peace together.

“You probably don’t even know where I am. Well, that’s because I’m scared of you and I’ve been hiding. I would suggest you tame me, just as if you were dealing with a scared kitten. Just imagine that your Inner Child is a scared kitty hiding under the bed. What do you do? Well, maybe you start talking gently, lovingly to it even though you can’t see it. And then maybe you bring it a saucer of warm milk (for me a saucer of unconditional love will do), then back off a little & keep talking softly.

“After a while, I may peek around the corner to make sure that you’re really for real & won’t judge or criticize me again… after all, you’ve done that a lot. If I feel that you are really ready to love me & be nice, I’ll come out & we can talk & play.

“Another way that you can get in touch with me is to listen to what you call your intuition. Lots of times that’s me telling you what would be great for us. So the next time you feel that it would be good for you to go for a walk, or sing out loud, or dance… pay attention. That’s probably me making my presence known. The more you spend time doing the kind of things I like, the more you’ll start feeling me there, & enjoying our time together.

“And keep taintuitionlking to me. Soon you’ll start hearing me. You see, I talk very softly cause I’m little and sometimes I’m scared of you cause you’re big and you talk loud and gruff. So listen softly, and then you’ll hear me.

Remember that I love you & really want to spend time with you. I know that once you start spending time with me, you’ll be much happier. You’ll find yourself singing & maybe even taking silly little dance steps in the street. The people around you will start smiling for no apparent reason when you walk by, because their own Inner Child will recognize me & will also pop up to the surface.

“Can I come out and play? I love you a whole bunch! I hope you’ll come visit often & invite me to hang out with you a lot too! We can really have a great time together, you and me.”

With Love, 
Your Inner Child

NEXT: ACoAs & Playing, #1

ACoAs: BOOKENDING with the WIC (#2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

bookends 2
I CAN BE IN THE PRESENT
by being kind but realistic

PREVIOUS:
 Book-ending, Part 1

POSTS: ✦ Self-Hate
✦ Abandonment Pain, Now

See ACRONYM Page for abbrev.


TRYING to PROTECT ourselves (cont)
a. RULES & ROLES

b. CDs – Another strategy evolved into using Cognitive Distortions (CDs), B & W thinking being the most common – trying to have some predictive ability amid alcoholic chaos. We pickup them up from family, school & religion – as well as our own immature thinking. Ad now they’re entrenched in the WIC.

CDs were a way to project what we assumed would happen in any given situation, so we could either be prepared or avoid it altogether.  In terms of T.E.A., they’re forms of incorrect Thinking. But they’re too limited in scope to deal with most of reality, deep-rooted beliefs that leave out important info & lead to incorrect conclusions.

✶ Unfortunately this strategy also backfired, just like many others the WIC (understandably) absorbed. This is mainly because we were / are still trying to do the impossible: getting unhealthy people to love us & stop being abusive.

The only thing that’s truly successful is to stop chasing the WIC’s delusion that we are responsible for the original abandonment, & the fantasy that we can somehow make ‘them’ see & accept uimpossibles!

CDs are so harmful because:
• they’re the twisted ‘logic’ behind much of our un-healed habitual actions & emotional reactions, which are inevitably self-defeating & painful – even torturous!
• it makes us think we’re crazy when other people use them on us – unless we’re familiar with the distortions & can counter them accurately.
However, once you know the various CDs & Logical Fallacies well, you’ll never again think you’re nuts. Never again! Hurray!

Negative USES of Bookending
a. overblown unrealistic ‘hopeful’ expectations
• Both types of expectations (over & under-realistic) are based on  the WIC’s narcissism – ‘everything that others do (to me) is about me’, but this one comes from the aspect of ACoAs that is grandiose, symbiotic & unrealistic about people & events

Again, this is the WIC who desperately needs & want something, but is not using real-world criteria to evaluate what’s actually possible is any particular situation. Because the imagined outcomes are not possible, we are inevitably disappointed.
This reinforces our original CD – that we don’t deserve anything good & that the universe is against us/
Some of these CDs are:  • over-estimating  • mind-reading  • wishful thinking  • externalizing self-worth  • always being right ….. Screen Shot 2015-09-10 at 3.33.35 PM

b. totally negative beliefs about how , hopelessly things will always turn out.
Some of these CDs are: • all or nothing  • only noticing the negative  • making everything about oneself   • jumping to conclusions  • under-estimating …..

ALSO, we use idealization / fantasy to mask how scared we really are
• because we’re not actually allowed to get our needs met, AND
• when we already know the person or situation is unsuitable, even damaging, but don’t want to leave & have to start over – after all, if it’s hopeless anyway, why bother!

✶ This defensive way of thinking is NOT the same as being Appropriately Positive and Realistically Hopeful – about what we are actually capable of accomplishing or ways we can be nourished by healthy environments. ACoAs are so steeped in the fantasy, we have trouble imagining wonderful, happy circumstances – for ourselves!

However, as we heal and DO get good things in our life – we will know & feel the contrast with our upbringing : THIS is the way it should have / could have been, but never was. We need to mourn that loss but stop looking back for something that was not possible.

NOW it’s time we give ourselves the happiness we never had as kids!

NEXT: Bookending- #3