ACoAs: Lack of TRUST (Part 2)

unsafe parentSEE, I TOLD YOU –
nobody’s safe!

PREVIOUS: Lack of Trust (Part 1)

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

🕕 DEF. of Legitimate Trust

• growing up in a neglectful, unpredictable &/or volatile family
• constantly subjected to undeserved bullying & victimization, by individuals & institutions
• death or loss of one or more loved-ones

• emotional, physical &/or sexual abuse at the hands of our caretakers
• being chronically put down for the way we felt or for what we believed
• hostile relationship between parents, with siblings & with step-parents

• parental infidelity, bitter divorce or loss of another long-term relationship
• our own painful relationships, being belittled, misunderstood, abused or ignored
• being cheated on / betrayed – sexually, emotionally, financially
• our confidential information betrayed by a trusted friend, relative, spouse or professional …..

• we get so caught up in unresolved grief that we can’t open ourselves up to others, terrified we’ll be left alone again, as if we’re still living in that household & still 5 years old!

• because of S-H, we can’t believe that we deserve attention, or anyone’s care & concern for us, so have a problem trusting even the positive, healthy & consistent behavior of someone who is sincere

🕕 ACoA thoughts / beliefs about NOT Trusting
• there’s no such thing as a healthy relationship
OR – I wouldn’t know a healthy relationship if it fell on me!
• marriage is a prison sentence – I’ll be trapped & used
• I can’t seem to find any good friends or good partners – so why bother looking?

• as soon as you let yourself care about someone – they leave you!
• I’m never letting anyone ever get close enough to me again so I won’t be vulnerable anymore
• people don’t really improve or change, & any ‘reforming’ is temporary or just fake (like an alcoholic getting sober).
No matter what they say, it’s all manipulation to get their way.  If I let myself believe & relax my defenses, I’ll be devastated when they go back to their old ways

Re. OURSELVESunsafe world
The only way to survive & protect myself is to avoiding people as much as possible, because:
• I’ve been hurt so much & by so many in the past
• all men / all women are dishonest
• everyone’s out to get the most they can (from me)
• no one respects me
• if I let my guard down someone will step on me OR all hell will break loose
• if I open myself up people will use that info against me…. so how can I trust anyone?

Arguments with others, because of intruding on their privacy, about what we think are their ‘suspicious’ activities, their lack of openness – often leading to retaliation from them
Anxiety in us, especially when we don’t know where a loved-one is & we’re convinced they’re not being honest

Deception by a partner or child who’s being controlled & boundary invaded. They may sneak around, either to do the bad things they’re accused of OR just to get some privacy & peace of mind
Fear of reprisals, from ourselves for our accusations (guilt, shame, S-H), & AT them for not being what we want (trying not to punish them)

Fear of risk, because we never got the mirroring, support & feedback to make scary changes, AND which we can’t receive in the present if we don’t trust anyone
Low self-esteem in others, which we ‘encourage’ by constantly investigating them, questioning, following (suspicion is the opposite of acceptance)
Miscommunication, or lack of communication, because we’re afraid to let others know what we really need, want or feel

MOVIE: “All This & Heaven Too”, 1940, staring Bette Davis. An excellent portrayal of a disturbed personality – the Count’s wife, played by Barbara O’Neil – is a needy, barbara-oneilnarcissistic, desperately clingy & demanding shrew.

She has a deep fear of abandonment, is constantly suspicious of her husband, & rejects her children because they interfere with having him all to herself. This drives the children away from her & the Count into the arms the loving nanny – the very thing that makes her even more distrustful & enraged – leading to tragedy.

NEXT: ACoAs – OVER-Trusting (#1)

3 thoughts on “ACoAs: Lack of TRUST (Part 2)

  1. The description of the “shrew” is my mom in a nutshell. So effin’ sad for little Shana. (needy, narcissistic, desperately clingy & demanding. Constantly suspicious of everybody and rejecting of them – and her kids). It’s becoming more clear to me how VERY dangerous she was.


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